7 Reasons

Tag: Sir Stirling Moss

  • 7 Reasons The Sinclair C5 Was Destined To Fail

    7 Reasons The Sinclair C5 Was Destined To Fail

    The Sinclair C5 was relentlessly ridiculed. And quite rightly so, it was rubbish. Any Industrial Design & Technology graduate/person will tell you that. But if they had just made a few small changes, it could have sold at least 500 more units.

    Sinclair C5

    1.  Women. Quite why Sir Clive Sinclair thought his bucket-on-wheels was going to appeal to a market that needs to check make-up upon arrival at destination, is anyone’s guess. But he did. And he was wrong. If only he had doubled one of the wheels up as a mirror. Sure, it may have looked a bit ‘bling’, but it would probably have appealed to the ever growing pimping community.

    2.  Date. Unfortunately for Sir Clive, he decided to launch the Sinclair C5 on 10th January 1985. It just so happened that the Viennese zither player, Anton Karas, passed away that day. And as we all know, a zither is much more powerful than a Sinclair C5. The 11th January 1985 was a very slow news day. If only Clive had waited 24 hours.

    3.  Hills. Always a bit annoying having to get out of your vehicle and push it up a hill isn’t it? Which is why the Sinclair C5 should have come with a tow rope. Or a map that just showed hills that went down.

    4.  Stirling Job. Getting Sir Stirling Moss to promote the Sinclair C5 may have seemed like a stroke of genius, but they really should have prepped him first. “Just treat it as if you are riding a bicycle,” probably wasn’t quite the ringing endorsement Clive was after.

    5.  Washing Machines Live Longer With Sinclair. There is an urban myth that says the Sinclair C5 was powered by a washing machine motor. It’s a myth because although the motor manufacturers, Polymotor, do supply to the washing machine industry, they also manufacture torpedo motors. Unfortunately, it is true that the body work of the Sinclair C5 was manufactured by Hoover. Clive should have waited for Dyson. Then maybe I wouldn’t be trying to think of witicisms that involve ‘Sinclair C5’ and ‘cleaning up’.

    6.  Britain. Sir Clive’s biggest mistake was probably that he tried to sell the Sinclair C5 in Britain. Not only did Britain already have things called cars, it also had weather. And sadly it was never very good. If Sir Clive had been any good at geography, he would have realised that the Sahara desert would be a much better place for his bits of plastic. If it had come with a spade too, the owners could have made sandcastles.

    7.  Elephants. There is a joke about elephants and minis that I have never really understood. It goes something like this. Q: How many elephants can you fit in a Mini? A: Four. Two in the front, two in the back. Hilarious it may not be, but it does at least make you think of four elephants. In a Mini. Now that’s a terrific endorsement for both Minis and elephant dieting tips if ever I have heard one. So now let’s try it with the Sinclair C5. Q: How many elephants can you fit in a Sinclair C5? A:

    Elephant sits on Sinclair C5

  • 7 Reasons That We Should Run F1

    7 Reasons That We Should Run F1

    Formula One motor racing is great.  Sometimes though, it’s not quite as good as it could be.  We, the 7 Reasons team, have thought of a few improvements.  Here are 7 Reasons that we should run F1.

    The 7 Reasons sofa with a chequered flag and the 7 Reasons team wearing Bernie Ecclestone's hair

    1.  Schumacher. The comeback isn’t going well and we know why.  Ask yourself this:  What looks like Michael Schumacher, sounds like Michael Schumacher and drives like Michael Winner?  That’s right, Ralf Schumacher.  There’s no way he’s good enough to get into F1 by himself; we think he’s pretending to be Michael.  After all, he’s routinely being blown away by his team-mate, Nico Rosberg (who isn’t the best driver in his own family either), so it can only be Ralf.  We would ban him.

     

    2.  The Godfather. At 7 Reasons, we’re film fans too.  So when Luca Di Grassi’s name is mentioned, we always suffix it with the phrase, “…sleeps with the fishes.”  We would make this compulsory for commentators.

     

    3.  Red Button. The red button is underutilised during F1 races.  We have decided that the technology should be improved so that it can be used to filter out the incessant babbling and bleating of people in the same room as you that aren’t watching the Grand Prix.  This will mean that you won’t have to hear “This is boring,” “…but Columbo’s on” or “Darling…Darling…Darling…Darling…Darling…Darling…Darling…Darling…Darling…Darling…Darling…you’re not listening.”  You will, however, still hear anything relevant or important that they have to say, such as “Would you like anything from the shops?” “We’ve won the lottery,” or “The cat’s on fire.”  There will also be a setting on the filter that will enable you to record and share anything particularly memorable such as, (during commentary on Timo Glock’s pit-stop) “O’Glock!  What sort of a stupid name is that for a team?”

     

    4.  Illusion. The trompe-l’oeil advertising hoardings that are painted on the grass by the circuit are terrifying.   On many occasions a car has left the track and we’ve braced ourselves for a horrendous crash – perhaps even gasped and covered our eyes – only to watch the car drive serenely over the painted surface and rejoin the track.  They make us look like idiots.  They are banned.

     

    5.  Court. During the most recent (the Chinese) Grand Prix, Sebastian Vettel and Lewis Hamilton came out of their pit boxes very close together and proceeded to bang wheels trying to gain an advantage in the pit lane; this was highly dangerous for the pit crews working there.  Unbelievably, the incident wasn’t even investigated during the race – it was discussed in private later on.  This is not acceptable.  In the spirit of openness and fairness, we would introduce the Formula One Court (press the red button to see it) in which all racing incidents are thoroughly investigated and all punishments decided before the end of the race.  A bewigged judge, with vast motor racing experience and age-imbued-wisdom – Sir Stirling Moss would be our choice – would preside over it.  The teams would also have their own barristers:

     

    “I put it to you M’lud, that Mr Vettel did knowingly and wilfully strike the side of Mr Hamilton’s car, recklessly endangering the safety of both drivers and several pit-lane-workers.”

     

    “The Red Bull team refute that, M’lud.  We contend that our driver was unaware of Mr Hamilton’s presence, and was proceeding along the pit lane in an orderly manner.  If Mr Hamilton had been behind our client there would have been no problem.  Look at exhibit B, M’lud:  This telemetry data from the McLaren team confirms that their driver’s foot was fully on the throttle.  The incident was caused because Mr Hamilton didn’t lift…”

     

    “Lift!  Lift!!  Lift, you say?  I find the defendant guilty.  10 years hard labour.”

     

     

    6.  Something we don’t understand. There’s a phalanx of identically dressed women that turn up to applaud the podium-placed finishers as they walk along a corridor or up the stairs.  There is no earthly reason for this.  It is weird.  We would ban them.

     

    7.  Buemi. We all saw the incident in qualifying for the Chinese Grand Prix where both of Sébastien Buemi’s front wheels flew off simultaneously.  This was unexpected, spectacular and generated huge amounts of pre-race publicity.  We would make this a feature of every qualifying session by introducing Clown Car Lotto.  From now on, during qualifying sessions, something that you might expect to happen to a clown’s car will happen to a randomly chosen F1 car.  This could be one of a number of things: both of the wheels on one side of the car falling off, a custard pie fired from the steering wheel, balloons inflating from the air intake or marbles spewing from the exhausts.  This new feature, though it will be familiar to both clowns and Toyota owners, should enliven qualifying sessions for the rest of the global audience.