Tag: Simon Best

Guest Post: 7 Reasons There Is No Such Thing As A Free Lunch

It has, I think you’ll agree, been too long. Too long since Dr Simon Percy Jennifer Best sat on the 7 Reasons sofa and shared with us thoughts from the deepest sanctums of his mind. Today that changes. Because he’s back. He needs no further introduction so we’ll leave you in his capable hands. We’re off to the pub for lunch. He’s paying.

‘Free Lunch’ by The Ethicurean

“There’s no such thing as a free lunch” is one of those glib phrases that people trot out and everyone accepts without investigation in to its accuracy. Now you don’t need to, because here I give seven reasons as to why there really is no such thing as a free lunch.

1. Potential Suitors. Often on a date, especially in these enlightened times, people will spilt the bill. But there might be a rare occasion when you’re taken out for a meal and the other person offers to pay. “Great,” you think. “A free lunch!” Wrong. The chances are that they will want something in return, a walk along the beach, a goodnight kiss, your hand in marriage. Would you swap any of these for a spaghetti carbonara? No. Nor would I.

2. Aged Relatives. Imagine the scene. You’re an impoverished student and your Great Aunt Doris* rings you up and invites you round for Sunday lunch. “Great,” you say to yourself. “A change from tinned tuna and beans on toast, and a free lunch!” Wrong. You arrive and while the smell of roast beef is wafting through the house, Great Aunt Doris will ask you for help with something relatively straight forward, changing a light bulb for example…. By the time you’re able to escape several hours later you’ve cut the grass, creosoted the fence, put out the bins, cleaned out the guttering and regrouted the bathroom. You’ve saved her several hundred pounds and given vast quantities of labour in return for a bit of overcooked beef and soggy Yorkshire puddings.

3. Business Lunches. We’ve all been there. Arranging a meeting and your colleague/client says, “why don’t we meet over lunch, we can get it on expenses”. “Excellent,” you think. “A day that I don’t have to pay for an over-priced sandwich and get a free lunch!” Wrong. Okay, you can get to see people and impress your colleagues, but it requires you to talk to people and costs valuable time. There is a surefire rule that applies to meetings: not only do they cost valuable time, but you invariably leave them with more work to do than at the start. Is the free lunch worth it when you have to stay in work late and buy an expensive Chinese takeaway for dinner so you don’t collapse with starvation before you get home?

The same applies to conferences where, although the lunch is free, the cost is to your soul. It dies around the same time as the first speaker puts up his fourteenth powerpoint slide.

4. Friends With Children. There is a stage in many people’s lives where you are single, but have friends who are married with kids. You probably get to see these friends less often. Then, when summer starts they ring you, “come round for a barbecue, we’ve still got lots of wine left over from Timmy’s christening so there’s no need for you to bring anything”. You’re free, you want to see them and excited at the prospect of free food AND drink. Well, calm your excitement. This invitation is just a thinly veiled ruse by the parents to neck as much chardonnay as they can while their hyperactive children, thrilled by the novelty of a new adult, begs you to play with them. As for the free lunch? Not a bit of it. Okay, you get plenty of grilled chicken and salad and a couple of glasses of wine. Cost to you: a dry cleaning bill for your grass stained trousers, a new hat after your panama is used as a Frisbee and a large chiropractors bill having been rugby tackled by “little” Jamie, who is nine years old but already the size and weight of Brian Moore.

5. Parents Of Your Future Spouse. Picture the scene. You’ve been with your girlfriend/boyfriend/partner for a respectable length of time. Then one day they say to you, “my parents have invited us for lunch on Sunday” Cue you breaking out into a cold sweat about what to take them. Your partner reassures you that their mother doesn’t need flowers, and their father doesn’t need a bottle of Scotch. “Phew,” you think. “A free lunch!” Wrong. You’re on to a loser here. If it goes badly and you’re (even inadvertently) rude about them/their house/their food/their dog or, perhaps worse, you’re too friendly and don’t give your partner enough attention, then you pay by having to buy them presents in recompense. If it goes really well it will progress your relationship to the stage where it costs you a hefty amount for an engagement ring or your life if you find yourself married to them.

6. Single Friends. I, like lots of people, have single friends who are, lets face it, what can charitably be described as “hard work”** When your friend that fits that description sends you an innocuous text message saying, “let’s meet for lunch, my treat,” you may think that means a free lunch and a pleasant afternoon. That text message notification should actually be an alarm bell, as what it actually means is an afternoon where you spend hours counselling them about their life, their job, their latest (failed) relationship, clothes and the price of garden furniture. This involves you consuming the annual output of a medium sized French vineyard to cope. They join you in polishing off several bottles, then when the bill comes they say, “I’ll pay for the food, can you get the wine?”. Free lunch? Not a bit of it. There’s a very real prospect that you will need to remortagage your house to pay your credit card bill that month.

7. Yourself. Clearly the only safe person to have lunch with is yourself, you would be paying so obviously it wouldn’t be a free lunch, but it’s likely it will be cheaper than the other options.

*If you don’t have a Great Aunt Doris then you can imagine my Great Aunt Doris.

** I don’t rule out the possibility that I am, for some of my friends ‘hard work’.

October 15, 2011
Guest Post: 7 Reasons To Holiday In Bonnie Scotland

Today we welcome back to the 7 Reasons sofa a man who hasn’t plumped up our cushions for quite a while. He’s a man some of you will know as Dr Beat. He’s a man others will know as Percy Jennifer. He’s a man the rest of us know put the ‘best’ into Gillette. That’s right. Ladies and gentleman the waiting is finally over. Back to the sofa, please welcome, Dr Simon Best.

Simon says: It is fast approaching the most popular holidaying month of the year (here in England anyway). Yep, it’s nearly August. Currently there’s a fashion for the ‘staycation’, many people are bored of the Balearics and fed up of Faliraki. For them then, the answer is simple. Go to Scotland. Here are seven reasons you should holiday there, especially if you live in England.

1. It Is Further From France. By sheer accident of geography England is closer to France than Scotland. This is clearly a huge point in Scotland’s favour. Regular readers of 7 reasons will know that the usual occupants of the sofa are no fans of France. One prefers Belgium and the other would prefer an open sewer – however he lives close enough to France that if he fell asleep on the 7 reasons sofa after one too many biscuits and was pushed out to sea he could float there in time for tea, as could most of Kent. This is clearly a danger to be avoided. If you holiday in Scotland you will be further from France.

2. Climate. Now you might raise an eyebrow at this as Scotland is not famed for its glorious weather and high temperatures. When I visited recently I saw sun for about two hours in an entire week, but in when you go on holiday certainty is important. You also need to be efficient in your packing and not take anything you won’t need. The Scottish climate helps no end with this. You can be certain that you won’t need shorts and you will always need a coat or if you wait until September, two coats. It is also always too windy for an umbrella which is a very good thing.

3. Scenery. Scottish scenery is quite simply breathtaking. It has everything you could want in a landscape: coastline, lochs, mountains, rolling lowlands. It is home to some wonderful wildlife: deer, beavers, eagles, wolves, bagpipers, men in kilts. Even in cities beautiful countryside is close at hand – with Arthurs seat in Edinburgh, and Pollock Country Park in Glasgow.

4. Cuisine. Scotland has a reputation as the home of unhealthy food. Chips, deep fried Mars bars, deep fried pizza, deep fried haggis, etc. This, however, is unfair. Firstly they deserve points for culinary innovation. Anyone can do a Heston Blumenthal and make egg and bacon ice cream, but taking a chocolate bar and deciding to fry it coated in a substance commonly used for battering fish requires a rare mind. Secondly, Scotland is also home to some fine produce. Salmon, Loch Fyne oysters, the finest Italian ice cream I’ve tasted outside of Rome. Okay, so you may gain weight, but if you can’t indulge when on holiday then when can you.

5. Money. One of the best things about going abroad on holiday is foreign currency. Getting funny coloured banknotes with odd people on them. It’s a trip highlight in itself. Obviously it does bring with it difficulties. Trying to do conversions in your head and accidentally tipping €50 for example. If you head to Scotland though, you get all the different colours, the different people, the odd foreign symbols, but none of the mathematical problems. Scotland is genius.

6. Midges. Scotland is famed for its midges – especially the West coast where they take over in summer in their millions. They like damp, overcast days, so no wonder they like Scotland in the summer. Visit the West of Scotland in July and you can see a lifetimes worth of midges in under a minute. Midges are horrible, bloodthirsty little creatures – literally. So why am I presenting it as a positive? Well, the main way to protect yourself from getting bitten (aside from walking round inside a net) is to drink lots of whisky and eat lots of marmite. Perfect. If you ever needed an excuse to drink industrial quantities of whisky and eat vast amounts of marmite then holidaying in Scotland is it.

7. Culture. Ever since the Scottish enlightenment (yes, it really did happen and no, it didn’t involve Billy Conolly and Rab C Nesbit), Scottish culture has led the way in Britain. While England was home to the Teletubbies, Scotland gave us the infinitely superior Balamory. When England was producing the Spice Girls, Scotland produced Belle and Sebastian. Look around the world of television, cinema, comedy, music and you see lots of brilliant, talented Scots. And Frankie Boyle.

Scotland also hosts the biggest cultural event anywhere in the United Kingdom: the Edinburgh Festivals (note the plural, there are seven of them). These are a showcase for authors, filmmakers, comedians and musicians. Okay, not all of the performers in Edinburgh are Scottish, but the diversity means that no matter where you’re on holiday from there will be something that reminds you of home. And Frankie Boyle.

July 16, 2011
Guest Post: 7 Reasons Cash Peters is Awesome

It’s Saturday and, as is traditional at the weekend, the 7 Reasons team are off somewhere avoiding DIY and trying not to see the inside of a shoe shop. So, sitting up straight in an immaculately pressed dinner jacket on the 7 Reasons sofa today poised to inform, educate and entertain us, is regular guest poster, Dr Simon Percy Jennifer Best. Take it away Simon.

Many of you won’t have heard of Cash Peters. If you are one of these people, you’re missing out. He is awesome. Here’s why.

1. Television Reviews One of Cash’s jobs is reviewing US television for the BBC Radio 5 Live programme, Up All Night, though sometimes reviews appear to be an afterthought during his weekly twenty five minute slot. He talks about a seemingly random assortment of stuff including; the neighbours he suspected of being in a witness protection programme, burying a lady’s dog behind his garage, the ghost in his house, celebrity encounters in LA, the space shuttle and Idaho. But it is when reviewing television that he is at his best. He described Downton Abbey as “Upstairs Downstairs with a bit more upstairs” and the ABC show Skating with the Stars as “Rather like Dancing with the Stars, except with no dancing and no stars”. He has also managed to mock Piers Morgan about the slump in his ratings. Cash Peters is awesome because his TV reviews are laugh out loud funny.

2. Longevity. Cash’s regular BBC 5 live slot has been running for thirteen years. This is an impressively long time for any radio feature where things generally last for a few weeks or, if they’re really special, about a year before being dropped. The only other slot that has been running this long on late night radio is Dotun Adebayo’s Virtual Bookshelf.* Despite this Wogan-esque longevity Cash still has all his own hair, has never worn a cardigan, and the slot still feels fresh and interesting. Cash Peters is awesome because his slot – though long lasting – remains vibrant.

3. Location, Location, Location. Cash is probably most famous, worldwide, for his all-too-short-lived travel show: Stranded with Cash Peters. In this show, he travelled to lots of exotic locations and basically lived rough. However, that isn’t why he’s is awesome, it’s his radio broadcasting that marks him out. After using a studio in LA for years (where he was basically squatting) he switched to broadcasting from home. At first he did this from inside his sauna, until it was discovered that this made him sound like he was talking from inside a small wooden box.** He now broadcasts from his living room floor surrounded by cables and his laptop. He has to put up with numerous technical difficulties but despite this he always entertains. Cash Peters is awesome: He is his own sound engineer, producer and studio manager.

4. Timing. Cash’s slot on BBC Radio 5 Live is broadcast on a Tuesday night/Wednesday morning at 2:35 am. This is not exactly a prime time slot. It is, however, the prime slot for insomniacs, lorry drivers, shift workers and milkmen. All you get on TV at this time is Quiz Call, reruns of Bergerac and Countryfile with sign language. However, the fact that he is on in the middle of the night and doesn’t get the recognition or listenership that he deserves doesn’t diminish his enthusiasm or the originality of his material. Cash Peters is awesome because he’s brilliant on radio when the rest of the world is asleep.

5. Diet. Cash Peters likes cake. “Big deal” you might say, “So do I”. Cash eats a lot of cake: Then every so often he does a liver flush or a master cleanse, which is basically a two week regime of torturing your body to discover you have been walking around with a conga eel, a vat of grease and a sizeable quantity of Inca gold in your gut. Cash purges himself, blogs about it, and tells you how healthy he feels as a result. He’s so evangelistic and compelling on the subject that he gets right up to the point of making you think it is a good idea, before he returns to the cake, hamburgers and buffet food, which makes everyone else feel better despite not having been through a liver flush. Cash Peters is awesome because, unlike other celebrities, he is not on a constant guilt inducing diet.

6. Travel. Cash is also a travel writer and broadcaster (or rather he was, he’s now given it up for life in LA with his partner, his cats and his ex-ghost***). He has authored two books, Gullible’s Travels and Naked in Dangerous Places. The second is connected with the TV series Stranded with Cash Peters (currently showing on Discovery Travel and on Living at 5 am and 5:30 am respectively (see what I mean about a milkman’s prime time viewing?)). In these books Cash went to such enticing places as the Museum of Dirt, the Precious Moments Chapel and even further afield to Vanuatu and Alaska. He says on the cover of one book that he eats little and is allergic to just about everything, but still he went and, what is more, he wrote about going. I don’t think he features on the Solvang, California tourist board’s Christmas card list but that is a small price to pay. Cash Peters is awesome because he visited lots of inhospitable, godforsaken and frankly boring places so that you and I don’t have to.

7. Listener Engagement. Cash often jokes with Rhod Sharp (the venerable presenter of Up All Night) that, given the timing, their slot only gets fifteen listeners. This isn’t false modesty but their genuine belief. Sort of. One day Cash set out to find these 15. Not only did he find them (via the medium of Twitter) but he assigned them numbers and established a list. Unsurprisingly the list grew beyond the original 15. Cash has promised to use these listeners to storm town hall meetings, picket book-signings by celebrities, or just to disrupt a taping of Strictly Come Dancing. I for one am looking forward to going for Craig Revel Horwood with a pitchfork. So what if you’re not on the list? Well this is just an example of how Cash engages with his listeners . He’s responds to those fans who tweet him and write into the show. Last year a listener – Brit Homes – wrote to Rhod complaining about the “rubbish programmes” Cash reviews. Did Cash listen to her points and respond in a calm and reasoned manner? Not a bit of it. Cash’s response was the withering: “Well Brit, you clearly have no taste”. Cash Peters is awesome because he engages with his listeners, both positively and negatively but always to the benefit of those he interacts with and always in an entertaining manner****.

*Actually it’s only be going for about six months it just feels like it’s been running since Jimmy Young was on the BBC home service.

** This shouldn’t have come as a surprise. He was doing exactly that.

*** They don’t have a ghost anymore, they had their house cleansed.

****Yes Brit I do believe that you needed to be told you have bad taste.

May 14, 2011
7 Reasons To Take A Spoon To Bed

As can sometimes happen I forgot about my 7 Reasons duties this morning. In something of a panic I asked the whole of twitter for requests. The one reply I got was, ‘7 Reasons Not To Forget 7 Reasons’. I started but it soon became obvious that there were plenty of reasons to forget 7 Reasons and only one – a Marc shaped one – not to. Thankfully, lady luck was on my side as regular guest writer, Dr Simon Percy Jennifer Best, updated his twitter feed with, “I’ve just found a spoon in my bed”. Dr SPJB went on to question why it was there, but he didn’t need to. The doctor, as with all doctors, is a genius. There are many reasons to take a spoon to bed. Here are just seven:

The Philosophy Of Beds & Spoons by Dr Simon Percy Jennifer Best

1. Have Your Cake And Eat It. That’s right, with a spoon as your bed companion, not only can you take cake to bed, but you can eat it. I’ve never quite understood this idiom. Who has cake but doesn’t eat it? That would be stupid.

2. Defence. All sorts of things can happen when you are asleep as anyone who has seen Fantasia will confirm. The last thing you want is to be attacked by a collection of broomsticks while you are unarmed. Good then to have a spoon to defend yourself with. Threatening enough to help protect you, but not dangerous enough to destroy the house when you swipe at imaginary buckets. Or a shaved lamb.*

3. Self-Esteem. We all have times when we go to bed and can’t sleep. More often than not this leads us in to a state of worry. Women worry whether they are too fat or too thin. Men worry about relegation. While a spoon won’t help keep Aston Villa in the Premiership, it will certainly help a woman sleep peacefully. Think you’re too fat? Look at the back of the spoon. Think you’re too thin? Look at the front of the spoon.

4. Uri Geller. Quite why our bodies feel the need to wake us up in the middle of the night is anyone’s guess, but sometimes we find it impossible to drop off back to sleep. Indeed, the harder we try, the harder it becomes. In such situations the TV becomes our sole-mate. In the good old days Channel 5 used to show live baseball. Now they just show rubbish. Including Uri Geller. Still, at least if you’ve got a spoon in bed you can join in.

5. Dribble. If like me, you dribble in the night, having a spoon in bed would be really useful. Instead of turning the pillow over and letting the dribble seep into the sheet, you can spoon it into a bucket. Yes, you’d have to take a bucket to bed too.

6. Tent. We’ve all gone to bed with a torch and a comic and hidden under the duvet. I do it every Sunday. It’s pretty realistic to camping on Mount Everest. Just fewer yetis. The one thing I always lack though is something to prop the tent up. For any length of time at least. Assuming I take a big spoon I could use that. A big spoon would also be helpful if I wanted to reach something that I otherwise couldn’t. My girlfriend’s perfume for instance. I don’t wear it, but spraying a little bit on the fire really helps it. Obviously I don’t let it get out of control. If it starts burning the mattress I spoon a bit of dribble onto it. Usually does the trick.

7. Waterbed. I’ve never quite seen the attraction of a waterbed, but I could be tempted if I was allowed to take a spoon with me. Let’s be honest, the bed could quite easily burst. Floating out of the bedroom and whitewater rapid rafting down the stairs is not my idea of fun. If I had a spoon though at least I could use it as a paddle.

*The shaved lamb wasn’t in Fantasia. Just my bedroom.

April 14, 2011
Guest Post:7 Reasons That Travelling By Sleeper Is Great

In the final instalment of 7 Reasons Transport Week, regular guest poster Simon Best, brings a touch of old school glamour to proceedings by travelling on a sleeper train.

1 Novelty. Part of the fun of travelling by sleeper is its novelty. There are only four sleeper services in the whole of the United Kingdom, but it wouldn’t be as much fun if you did it every day. Just imagine if your daily commute involved getting a sleeper to and from work (and no falling asleep on the train from Luton to St Pancras doesn’t count). If this was the case you would, essentially, be living on a train. Now I can think of worse places to live – France, for example or Slough – but that’s irrelevant, the main point is…

2. History. Boarding a sleeper is a bit like stepping back in time; even the name sounds like something from a 1930s Agatha Christie novel and it put me in mind of WH Auden’s poem ‘The Night Mail’, with its talk of cheques and postal orders (and that even rarer object the letter). I personally haven’t received or written a cheque all year and I think the last postal order was sent in about 1973. There is no longer a night mail train; now your Amazon orders or the clock you bought on Ebay are delivered by plane. The sleeper is still running. Travelling by sleeper is great because it is historic.

3. VIP Treatment. Normally catching a train is a stressful business. You have to wait on the concourse until the platform is announced – usually two minutes before you’re due to leave – and then it’s changed two minutes after you should have left causing you to either: a) miss the train b) knock an old lady over with your briefcase or c) strain a muscle hurling your suitcase into your carriage. This is not the case with the sleeper. It is always in the station an hour before it is due to leave. You’re greeted by your sleeping car attendant, welcomed by name when you show your ticket (you don’t get that on the 7:42 to Charing Cross do you?), you’re asked what you’d like for breakfast, when you’d like it, and shown to your cabin. In short, you’re treated like Michael Winner being escorted to the first class cabin on Concorde. Travelling by sleeper is great because you’re given VIP treatment.

4. Your Cabin. Once on board you make your way to your cabin, stow your luggage (there is no other train in the world on which you ‘stow’ your luggage you just stick it in a luggage rack and hope someone doesn’t put a huge suitcase on the top). You then proceed to play with all the gadgets, play around with the bed, open the little shelf next to the bunk, climb up to the top bunk and sit there, lift the cover to the wash basin, press the taps, open the blind, and close it again. Twice. Turn the three different lights on and off several times and adjust the temperature slider seeing just how hot or cold you can make it and like the controls on a shower then spend ten minutes getting it just right, which is invariably the setting it was on to start with. Travelling by sleeper is great because your cabin has more gadgets than the TARDIS.

5. The Lounge Car. Once you’ve become bored fiddling with the temperature and switching the light on and off, you’ll doubtless leave your cabin and stroll down the train to the lounge car. Here you can relax on a sofa and order a gin and tonic from the bar (well that’s what I’m having, what would you like to drink?). The lounge car even stays open all night but you can only get booze until one am because, as the stewardess said, “this is a train, nae a nightclub” (who would want a nightclub on wheels anyway). On American sleeper trains lounge cars even have observation decks, with clear roofs so that you can look out at the scenery as you travel along. They also go one stage further and provide actual in-train entertainment, showing films. I was once stuck on a non-moving train in the middle of the desert in Texas. When we’d been staring at the desert for three hours I got quite excited at the announcement that they were showing a film. They showed My Dog Skip. I should have kept staring at the desert. However the actual film is irrelevant. Travelling by sleeper is great because there is a lounge car.

6. Breakfast. Having chosen your morning beverage, ordered your breakfast and arranged your wake-up call when you board the train, you’re gently roused by the sleeping car attendant at the appointed time, with your breakfast which you can then eat in bed while the train rolls sedately through the countryside. Just be careful not to flash your nightwear at a flock of sheep. I love having breakfast in bed, except for the crumbs that you have to clear up afterwards. Travelling by sleeper is great because you get breakfast in bed with a view, and you don’t have to clear up afterwards.

7. Efficiency. We all like things that save us time. Think of all the labour saving devices we have in our homes: washing machines, computers, vacuum cleaners, electric carving knives (actually forget that last one). The sleeper allows you to go to bed in London and wake up next to Ben Nevis (or if you’re feeling more adventurous go to bed in Berlin and wake up in Warsaw). This makes it one of the most efficient modes of transport, as it allows you to travel a long distance and sleep at the same time. Something that is not advised if you’re driving a car or riding a bike.

August 21, 2010
Guest Post: 7 Reasons To Shop At Ikea

Another Saturday comes by and with it another chance for Marc and I to get up from the sofa and stretch our legs. I am stretching them quite far today. From Fulham to some place in Kent. I’m moving you understand. But that’s enough about me, let’s focus on the issue in hand. Today’s 7 Reasons piece comes from regular 7 Reasons contributor, Simon Best. Who, when he’s not writing for us – or shopping in Ikea – can be found writing on twitter. He also does some other things that no one quite understands.

1. Names. Everything they sell at Ikea from the largest kitchen unit to the smallest tealight has a name, the vast majority with a Scandinavian touch, some with more imagination than others: the ‘Dimma’ lamp, the ‘Pyra’ wok, the ‘Slitbar’ knife. I doubt that ‘Slitbar’ is actually the Swedish for knife but it is not beyond the realms of possibility. The names are also the answer to parents who don’t want to name their offspring Apple or Chardonnay – Knubbig, Gnistra and Ivar offer perfect alternatives – it’s only fair after Ikea stole the name ‘Billy’ for their best selling item – it is now more widely associated with a bookcase than a boy.

2. Showrooms. Much of the space in Ikea is taken up with showrooms displaying Ikea furniture in various combinations: kitchens, bedrooms, offices, living rooms. They’re often given a lived in look which reassures you that it is not just you that left your bed unmade and a pile of washing up in the sink. They also show you how the furniture you buy will never look in your house, after all if they lose bolt E or joint B then there is a shop full of them, then there is a shop full of them.

3. Pencils. Everywhere you look in Ikea there are little wooden pencils. They’re handy for writing down measurements or noting down the location of things you want to buy. They’re also perfect for sticking behind your ear which is essential for making you look as if you are competent at DIY. The reality is that most men walking round Ikea with a pencil behind their ear are there because their wives have sent them out of the house while a professional comes round to fix the damage that they did the previous weekend with their drill. The preponderance of pencils in Ikea is mirrored by one in my house. I don’t buy pencils any more, I just go to Ikea, stick one behind each ear and forget they are there until I get home.

4. Lack of piped music. One of the things I hate about going shopping is the musak that pervades high street stores and shopping malls. When I go to the supermarket I don’t want to listen to THIS [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oofSnsGkops] I want to listen to Test Match Special so that I can hear England slump from a respectable 70 for none (by the cheese counter) to a disastrous 104 for 5 (while I’m deciding whether to buy Braeburns or Granny Smiths). Ikea has no music, which is a relief because I don’t think the world could cope with a cover of Waterloo or Super-Trouper played on Guatemalan panpipes.

5. A masterclass in bad parenting. Most of the people shopping in Ikea are families. People go at the weekend and take their children. Now Ikea stores are big but they’re not a park or an adventure playground.Children spend most of their week in pre-fab buildings with bright furniture and at the weekend they should be outside playing football or building treehouses or riding their choppers (oh, sorry I forget it wasn’t 1985 anymore). When children are taken to ikea they get bored – which is understandable as the only interest they have in furniture is its capacity to be adapted to a pirate ship or be used to shut their younger sister in. As a result parents get angry and shout. Go to Ikea on a weekend and you will observe a masterclass in bad parenting.

6. Trolleys. When you enter Ikea you’ll see normal shopping trolleys by the door. My advice is to leave them where they are. When you get to the warehouse where all the furniture is stacked you’ll find much more exciting flat-bed trolleys. While you are looking for Aisle 4 Section 17 to pick up your table they make excellent scooters – that is until you collide with a large woman carrying four pot plants and a selection of candles. You might even find the bored children following your example. Something that their parents will doubtless thank you for.

7. Meatballs. Quite possibly the best thing about Ikea is the restaurant – and specifically the meatballs with lingonberries Where else can you find delicious international cuisine for astoundingly good value. People go to Ikea at dinner time just to have some meatballs with the furniture being a side attraction.* You can even take some meatballs home with you to microwave which is a good thing as there is no way you’re going to have that kitchen unit assembled and be able to cook dinner in the space of a day.

June 19, 2010
Guest Post: 7 Reasons To Love The Sport Of Baseball

Today’s guest post comes from a great friend of 7 Reasons, Simon Best. When he’s not thinking about baseball or pancakes, Simon can be found working with youths and – having finally finished his doctoral thesis – he is soon to become Dr Beat, a typo that we really hope will catch on.

1. Simplicity. Baseball is essentially very simple. One guy (a pitcher) chucks a ball to another (a catcher). The batter – standing in front of the catcher – tries to hit it and then runs in a diamond, back to where he started, while the rest of the pitcher’s team tries to either catch the ball, or get the ball to one of four ‘bases’ at the points of the diamond before the batter reaches the base. The two teams take it in turns to bat; the team that has got the most people round the diamond wins. Got that? Good. It is so simple that a version of it is played by British primary school children.

2. Statistics. While it is very simple, the sport of baseball also has incredibly detailed and complicated statistics, all with their own abbreviations/acronyms. There are RBIs (runs batted in), SBs (stolen bases), ERA (earned run average), BS, (blown saves), and the brilliantly acronymed WHIP (Walks and hits per inning pitched). There are statistics for batters, pitchers, fielders and teams. There is even a specific term for the study of baseball through statistics (Sabermetrics). Not even cricket, famed for its use of statistics, can rival that. Sabermetrics even uses a Pythagorean expectation to estimate how many games a team “should” have won, based on the number of runs they scored and conceded. There are even two universities that have courses in Baseball statistics – universities that no woman has ever attended, probably.

3. Uniforms (i.e. kit). In particular, their purity. Almost all baseball teams have virtually identical kits: white for when they play at home, and grey for when they play away (or ‘on the road’). There are some notable exceptions of course, particularly the New York Yankees’ racy pinstripes. In recent years, some teams have introduced a third change uniform and the use of primary colours like red, blue and black, but there are no gaudy stripes or chevrons, no large sponsors’ logos and no new kits every season, as in football. The distinguishing feature of a team’s uniform is the cap – another great thing about baseball – which has become a fashion item the world over. The off-the-field adoption of this piece of sports attire is something without an equivalent in other sports – aside from British thugs who wear football kits while holidaying in the Algarve to show off their lobster-coloured ‘tan’, and a few chaps in Fulham who regard cricket sweaters as ‘casual dress’ – to be worn with chinos, an oxford shirt and deck shoes.

4. The Seventh Inning Stretch. With no half-time interval and a quick turnaround between innings, the game needs a break for all fans to get more beer and hotdogs. As well as providing that opportunity, the seventh inning stretch includes a public aerobics session (to work off all the beer and hotdogs). This is accompanied by the collective singing of Take Me Out To The Ballgame, a song written by Jack Norworth and Albert Von Tilzer, who wrote it without ever having been to a game – you can’t say that about Skinner and Baddiel, though obviously we’d all rather they’d stuck to attending football matches and hadn’t started writing songs.

Brilliantly, the seventh-inning-stretch doesn’t come half way through the game, but towards the end (thirteen-eighteenths of the way through to be precise), thus avoiding a post-half time lull in action. If the game is close, it provides a break before the climax; if one team is well ahead then it gives the other hope for a change in fortunes, a comeback, and possibly even a glorious ninth-inning rally. Or not, if you support the Red Sox.

5. Cost. Baseball is ridiculously cheap to watch. You can sit in a seat with a slightly obstructed view at Yankee Stadium for $5. That’s right, five dollars. That’s £3.25. The cheapest seat that you’ll get at Everton FC is £29 – almost ten times as much – and watching Everton isn’t ten times as good as watching the Yankees (even in my own imagination). When you watch baseball, you can spend the £26 you’ve saved on other things. Americans spend it on food.

6. Racial desegregation: Yes, there was Martin Luther King and Brown v Board of Education, but one of the most culturally significant events in the civil rights movement was the ending of racial segregation in baseball, which was brought about when the Brooklyn Dodgers signed Jackie Robinson in 1947. Robinson became the first black man to play in major league baseball since the 1880s. Black players – even those of exceptional talent – had been confined to the Negro leagues for six decades. As Dr King might have said, Robinson was judged not by the colour of his skin, but by how well he played baseball – and that was brilliantly. The Dodger’s manager, Leo Durocher, took a gamble in signing Robinson and he received much criticism, but he stuck to his guns and was rewarded, as were baseball fans all over America, by seeing Robinson in action.

7. The Opening Pitch: Another piece of razzamatazz. Celebrities are often chosen to throw the first pitch of a game. They’re of varying degrees of fame; from pop singers to presidents, actors to astronauts, TV stars to talk-show hosts. Can you imagine John Prescott kicking off the FA Cup Final or Angela Rippon bowling the first over in a Lords’ test match (actually, I quite like those ideas). I know the opening pitch is largely ceremonial but nevertheless, it symbolises the involvement of these personalities in America’s national pastime. It is in a totally different league than television pictures of Cliff Richard eating strawberries and cream at Wimbledon, and offers the possibility that the celebrity might be humbled by throwing a baseball badly. One day, Americans may be able to see that Barack Obama is human because he can’t throw a split-fingered fast ball. Though being Barack Obama, he probably can.

April 10, 2010
Guest Post: 7 Reasons Great Britain is Better Than the United States of America

Today’s guest post comes courtesy of globe-trotting, observation-jotting, ale-totting, train-riding man of both style and substance, Simon Best. The last guest post that he wrote for us, 7 Reasons the United States of America is Better Than Great Britain, was such a success that Simon has come back to wholly contradict himself. Based on this evidence, it may appear to those who don’t know Simon, that he could start a fight in an empty room. This is not true. Simon is a pacifist and, as such, would probably give himself a stiff talking-to and then reconcile with himself over a nice cup of tea – which would also be the ideal accompaniment to this.

1. Tea. Quintessentially British. We displayed our attitude to tea by naming a type of tea after a nobleman, the Americans showed theirs by chucking box-loads into grimy water – without stopping to boil it first or add milk once it had brewed. This attitude has continued and most of the tea you find in America is herbal, fruity, decaffeinated and an abomination. Tea was what started the American war of independence, I know it led to the loss of a large colony but quite frankly, if they were prepared to do that with tea rather than sit down and have a chat over a cuppa then we’re better off without them. Fast food, instant coffee, drive-through restaurants, shock and awe – all American inventions and all about speed. In Britain we stop for tea. It’s an occasion and one the world’s only superpower could learn from. I think that pretty much every world problem could be solved by sitting down and talking over tea and cucumber sandwiches. President Obama take note, now you’ve won the Nobel Peace Prize you need to start having afternoon tea – it is the next step to world peace.

2. Language. The use of different phrases; trash can, for example, or parking lot is understandable and forgivable – after all, different parts of Britain use different words and phrases to refer to the same thing. What is not acceptable is spelling favourite without a ‘u’ or pronouncing ’herb’ as ‘erb’ unless they are talking about an elderly gentleman in a Hawaiian shirt. American readers, look at the word again – there is a letter ‘h’ at the front. Pronounce it. It really isn’t that difficult.

3. Cricket. America has three huge sports, and a few people play ice hockey too. American football, baseball and basketball are skilful and exciting sports. They even play football (or soccer) in America, and I’m not going to say anymore about that in case they beat England in the World Cup. What Americans don’t do is play cricket. I thought I didn’t need to say more than this, but I was told I couldn’t just stop there, so here goes; cricket is more stylish, more testing, requires greater all round ability, patience and superior tactics worked out with military precision – all of which can be thrown out by the weather. The closest America comes is baseball, which is essentially cricket for people with ADHD.

4. Monarchy. Having written this about a month ago I could reasonably be accused of treason against Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth the Second, by the Grace of God, of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland and of Her other Realms and Territories Queen, Head of the Commonwealth, Defender of the Faith. This reason isn’t an attempt to make amends for that because I’m not talking about the current royal family who, quite frankly, I have little time for. I know that Americans love our royal family, they loved Princess Diana so much that 64% of their citizens wanted to crown her Queen of Rhode Island*. However, I am talking about Kings and Queens past: Canute who demonstrated he was only human by proving to his subjects that he couldn’t turn back the sea, Alfred who inspired the invention of the oven timer, Henry VIII who (allegedly) wrote Greensleeves and Victoria who was grandmother to most of Europe’s monarchs at the time of World War I. Americans would love to have that kind of heritage.

5. Trains. I know First Capital Connect are rubbish and Southeastern Trains couldn’t organise a piss-up in a brewery, but the British rail network is infinitely better than that in America. Yes we have delays, and being sat for half an hour in a siding outside Grantham is frustrating, but when travelling in Britain I’ve never been delayed by 17 hours – as I was when on a train from New Orleans to Los Angeles. Americans claim to have conquered the West with the railroad, but modern trains and railways in America are rubbish; there are huge cities like San Francisco, Phoenix and Boulder, Colorado with no station. That’s like there being no station in Glasgow, Bristol or Cardiff. Services are also ridiculously infrequent; there is one train a day between Chicago and Los Angeles. Imagine missing the 16:04 from Paddington to Exeter and being told that the next train is at 10:37 tomorrow morning. In Britain we have bad railways and complain about them, giving us something to talk about. In America they have bad railways and fly everywhere.

6. Religion. Like the worst dinner party guest, I am going to address one of the subjects you are supposed to avoid in polite company. In Britain, religion is a nice add-on to life, a way of people coming together to eat scones and have jumble sales with a bit of (usually insipid) singing thrown in. It is comfortable, like a favourite cardigan or a pint of ale. In America, religion is full-on – fire and brimstone – like being forced to wear a hair shirt in 90 degree heat (which if you are Amish you probably are). Religion is still just as important to British people as it is to Americans – we just handle it better. We don’t care which church our politicians go to, or even if they go at all. We, rightly, have little interest in their Sunday morning activity (providing it doesn’t involve cruising on Clapham common or snorting cocaine with prostitutes). In America, the thought that an elected official might not be a regular churchgoer would be scandalous and there are frequent and heated debates about whether to allow prayers in state schools, or if it is ok to have the ten commandments on tablets of stone in a courtroom. In America, the separation of church and state has happened in law; in Britain, it has happened in reality.

7. Breakfast. America has perfected the breakfast egg, which is available in a bewildering variety of styles, but we have something wonderful over here; something that transcends mere bread, a brilliant, culinary exemplification of form following function and the perfect accompaniment to an egg – the toast soldier. Simple, tasty, ingenious; the toast soldier is guaranteed to enliven any eggy breakfast – it also turns up in time for the start of the breakfast, not several years after it has begun.

*This figure isn’t statistically verifiable.

February 27, 2010
Guest Post: 7 Reasons The United States of America is Better Than Great Britain

Today we are joined on the 7 Reasons sofa by Simon Best who, when he isn’t committing treason or thinking about trains, is a Youth Worker. Simon’s fantastic tweets can be found here. They are as fine a guide to tasteful living as you will find anywhere.

1. The Weather. In Britain we love talking about the weather but, frankly, the British weather is pathetic, insipid and dull. For 5/6 of the year the weather in Britain is predominantly cloudy; In America they get real weather – winters with feet of snow, scorching hot summers and spectacular fall colours. They might not make a great fuss about it but America actually has proper seasons rather than shades of grey with slight temperature variations.

2. Television. Yes, we have the BBC, and American TV is frequently accused of dumbing-down and being full of cynical product placement; It is also true that the Jerry Springer Show originated in America, but while they have given Britain television masterpieces like the Sopranos, the Wire and Sesame Street, we have given them Wife Swap and Simon Cowell. On behalf of the nation I would like to take this opportunity to apologise to all Americans for this affront to your dignity.

3. Roads. As America is the nation of the automobile this might not be a surprising inclusion, but I’m not talking about the quality of the tarmac. Roads and road trips are part of American life. From Kerouac to Chuck Berry, from travelling salesmen to wandering preachers, American roads have enriched western culture; Britain has contributed Chris Rea singing about the M25. It is also impossible to imagine anyone getting excited about a road trip from Plymouth to Inverness, driving the same distance as a journey from Chicago to Memphis – a journey anyone would rather make. In America you can drive for hours and only see four guys with shotguns in a Ford pickup; you’re likely to spend most of any UK road trip stuck behind a caravan driven by someone called Maurice who wears string-backed driving gloves. Drive from Land’s End to John o’Groats and that East17 album your ex put on your iPod is bound to repeat at least 3 times. You can drive across the USA 25 times without that happening.*

4. Music. America is often derided for the schmaltz of Country and Western and the aggression of rap, but it has produced many of the finest musicians ever: The Beach Boys, Elvis, Buddy Holly, Miles Davis, Rock and Roll, Pop, Blues and Jazz were all born in America. America has given the world its record collection. Britain gave America Acker Bilk and Leo Sayer (who both amazingly reached number 1 in the Billboard top 100). Obviously we gave you The Beatles and The ‘Stones too, but they were just copying black American music.

5. Pancakes. American pancakes are, plainly and simply, superior to British pancakes; Thick, fluffy and the size of a plate, they’re delicious with maple syrup. No wonder they eat them all year round. Here in Britain we have our pathetic thin and flimsy efforts once a year – with a lemon.

6. Sporting Spectacular . Americans know how to do sporting spectaculars. The Super Bowl is the American Football equivalent of the FA Cup Final, yet as an event it is more comparable to the Last Night of the Proms and the Lord Mayor’s Show with the viewing figures of a royal wedding. Bruce Springsteen, Michael Jackson, Prince and U2 have played the Superbowl half-time; Wembley gets the marching band of the Coldstream Guards and some majorettes. The opening ceremony for the Los Angeles Olympics featured a man arriving on a jet-pack, the best Britain has achieved was the opening ceremony for the 1999 Cricket World Cup when the fireworks failed to go off, Tony Blair’s microphone fused in the rain and Prince Philip spoke. It’s a good thing that China doesn’t play cricket. There is a serious risk that when London 2012 starts, the Olympic torch will be carried into the stadium by Boris Johnson on his bike.

7. Monuments & Memorials . There’s really no contest here. The United States has the Washington Monument, Mount Rushmore and a 500 foot high statue of Crazy Horse that is being carved out of a mountain in South Dakota. Britain has Nelson’s column and what else? The Diana Memorial was a shambolic failure that had to close because people kept slipping in the water, in fact, Britain is so bad at building monuments that for much of the past summer we put living people on a plinth in Trafalgar Square; America would have taken this opportunity to commemorate a former President, a Civil War General or a Baseball star. America doesn’t just stop at statues, pretty much everything is a memorial to someone noteworthy: bridges, schools, highways, parks, buildings. Can you imagine Mansfield opening the Richard Bacon Memorial Roundabout or Norwich naming a new underpass after Stephen Fry? No, of course not. In America these fitting tributes would be a stone cold certainty.

*Unsubstantiated. To be tested during the US iPod Challenge, starts October 1st, 2011. Follow them on Twitter.

January 23, 2010