A lot is said about the prison service. Especially here in the UK. Many people seem to think that being an inmate is an easy life. You have your own TVs and a free day pass. In some cases, you even have your own dogs. Well, bitches. And then, when you’ve done half the time for your crime, you’re released. To be honest, this was an opinion I also shared. That was until the other night when I saw an episode of Porridge. I am now of the opinion that prison does indeed do what it sets out to do. It transforms people. Here’s why:
1. Fitness. Prison is full of bullies. There isn’t a nice way to say this, so I’m going to be straight with you. If you’ve got moobs, you are going to be teased. What better incentive is there then to get you doing pull-ups off the bunk bed? Prison gives you guns.
2. Art. You know what really states that you are not to be messed with? Yep, a tattoo. Not of a dolphin on your ankle, but a snake wrapped around your whole body. Probably accompanied by a skull. And a Millwall FC logo. Prison develops the culture vulture in you.
3. Crimes. Prison is all about reputation. The axe murderers aren’t going to look too impressed if you turn up and announce you’re inside for serial parking ticket evasion. That’s why, if you’ve still got them, you should use your scruples. You have to transform yourself into a different person. And that means exaggerating your crime. Yes, you are a serial parking ticket evader, but the only reason you evade them is because you stole the cars in the first place then reduced the number of traffic wardens on patrol. Prison teaches you to sell yourself.
4. Names. You can’t go to prison and call yourself Marc Fearns. Fearns? You’ll get a reputation as a right nancy boy. You can’t even call yourself ‘The Fearns’, ‘Fearnsy’ or ‘Fearnso’. So you have to be inventive. And call yourself ‘Terror’. Not because you are a little terror, but because it is short for ‘territory’. Which comes from the calling card you leave where you would usually place the parking ticket. The one that says, ‘Marc-ing My Territory’. Prison inspires creativity.
5. Goldilocks. Everyone has told you that long, curly, greasy, ginger hair is not the look, yet the impending prospect of a jail term is the only medium that will make you do something about it. You don’t want people seeing your mane as something to hang on to. Prison cures perms. And dandruff.
6. Gravel. Joe Pasquale wouldn’t last five minutes in prison. That’s not because his jokes aren’t funny, it’s because he sounds like a girl. You really don’t want a reputation as someone whose balls have yet to drop. Unless you’re a woman. That’s why you need to put on a deep, East End accent. Use Ray Winstone as your benchmark. Prison makes you a man.
7. Posture. At home you may readily bend down to pick up the soap. I have heard from some sources that this is not the thing to do in the prison showers. Something about getting slapped on the backside by a wet towel. As such, in prison, you should remain upright at all times. Prison transforms you into an upstanding member of society.
