Tag: Show

Guest Post: 7 Reasons Why Ashton Kutcher Can’t Replace Charlie Sheen On Two And A Half Men

There are many TV shows I have never watched. Emmerdale, Eldorado, Enterprise, Entourage, Everybody Hates Chris, Everybody Loves Raymond, Everybody Is Agnostic Towards 7 Reasons. And others not beginning with E. Including Two And A Half Men. That begins with a T. As a result it would make no sense whatsoever for me to comment on the show. Alina Cambridge on the other hand, well she knows her stuff. That’s why she is on the sofa today stating the case for Ashton Kutcher not to be the new Charlie Sheen. Here’s Alina:

So I am sure we have all heard the news by now. That ’70s Show hippie star Ashton Kutcher is taking on Charlie Sheen’s role on Two And A Half Men. Those are going to be some pretty big shoes to fill, and I’m not sure Ashton is up to the task. Sure they both have a lot in common when it comes to brainpower, but how does their drug use match up? They are both a couple of A-Lister’s, with hot girlfriends, and a whole lot of fans. So lets take a look at the 7 reasons Ashton Kutcher just can’t compete with Charlie Sheen.

1. Girlfriends. When it comes down to girlfriends, Charlie has the edge. Charlie Sheen has had a number of girlfriends. Currently he has two. Two young porn star girlfriends, and from the looks of it they don’t appear to be jealous or middle aged. On top of that he has had some of the most beautiful women in Hollywood, and he typically doesn’t go for women in there 40s like Ashton. Which is hard to do when you’re a celebrity. Because I am sure a celebrity status gives you no leverage when approaching women. Although I can’t really blame him, I thought Bruce Willis was really cool when he was married to Demi Moore. I was about 12 years old at the time. I can remember thinking how much I wanted to become famous and take care of his kids. I guess it made me stop thinking that Ashton is gay, so he’s definitely “winning” in that aspect.

2. Drug Use. Now I am not one to advocate drug use, but Charlie Sheen sure makes me laugh when he is bangin’ down 7-gram rocks. Hence I am always laughing. What’s more interesting then watching a celebrity go on a 7-day binge and living to tell the story. While Ashton is punk’ing the public with fake police officers and fabricated stories, Charlie is writing checks to hookers and getting caught. Charlie has defeated rehab a number of times, relapsing every time. Ashton can’t match up to those numbers; rehab would turn him into a church boy. Definitely not what Two And A Half Men needs. We’ve seen Ashton smoke a little grass on That ’70s Show, I’m pretty sure weed is just a filler for Charlie’s joints. Chalk this one up to Charlie.

3. Family. Charlie Sheen has a family of celebrities to back him up. Martin Sheen has some great films, classics at that. We all loved Emilio Estevez in The Mighty Ducks, and in Demi Moore (Yes they dated). Ha, take that Ashton. Who knows Charlie Sheen may have even put the moves on her once or twice. Regardless, Sheen has a pretty kick ass family. As for Ashton, I think I heard he has a retarded twin brother. So he has that going for him. Next topic.

4. Endorsements. Ashton may just take this one. He has a pretty successful string of camera commercials. Also lets not forget that first Pizza Hut commercial that launched his pathetic career. Charlie hasn’t really had many endorsements come his way lately, and I’m surprised that Trojan hasn’t bought into Charlie’s act. Then I realized he probably doesn’t wear condoms. However, Sheen has taken up a new business venture as a partner in a line of electronic cigarettes. The “NicoSheen” product will feature the actor’s signature smirk on packages of disposable E-cigarettes and related products. Can’t wait to get my hands on that!

5. Celebrity. Ashton was the first to get to 1,000,000 Twitter followers, but Charlie was the fastest to 1,000,000 Twitter followers. Charlie did what Ashton did, only faster, probably because of the cocaine. So, they both have a large number of fans but could Ashton ever pull off a tour around the US in the same way Charlie did? I don’t think so. Charlie sold out venues just so people can hear him spew his nonsense all over the stage. You know you have star power when you can do that.

6. Religion. Ashton Kutcher is a self-described fiscal conservative and social liberal. He is a student of Kabbalah, whatever that is. His co-star, Natalie Portman, stated in 2011 that Kutcher “has taught me more about Judaism than I think I have ever learned from anyone else.” On the contrary, Sheen is a self-destructive fiscal renegade and social degenerate. He is a student of Keith Richards. Natalie Portman had this to say about Sheen, “Charlie has taught me more about reverse cowgirl, than anyone I’ve ever met.” Winning.

7. Lifestyle. Charlie Sheen was very lucky to land the part for Two And A Half Men. I’m confident he thought he was in a reality show and just didn’t know the truth. Only after finding out there were scripts did Charlie get the boot. He got paid to act exactly like he does in real life. Two and a Half Men could possibly turn into the worst show ever if Ashton treats the show like his real life. No one wants to see poor old Ashton being dominated by the Alpha Female that is Demi Moore. It will ruin the dreams of all men who tune into the show. Only time will tell to see who gets better TV reviews.

June 11, 2011
7 Reasons to Replace the Horse With the Cow

Great news from Germany! The horse is obsolete. A fifteen year old girl has trained a cow to show-jump because her parents refused to buy her a horse. At 7 Reasons, we love this sort of defiant ingenuity so, in honour of the quite brilliant Regina Meyer, here are seven reasons to replace the horse with the cow.

1. The Grand National. Or, The Festival of Horse-Death – as it’s called in my house – with its high fences and terrifying leaps is dangerous for both riders and horses. If we replaced the horses with cows though, imagine how much better it would be. Would cows even attempt to hurdle over Canal Turn or Becher’s Brook? No, of course they wouldn’t, they’d just amble round them, perhaps pausing to nibble at the racecourse (or grass, as it’s known to laymen). There’d be no injuries to jockeys, no innocent animals would be shot and there’d be fresh milk for everyone at the finish. Or – if the race had been ridden at a quick pace – milkshakes. Even if cows did get injured and required shooting it would still be better. If you shoot a horse, you get a dead horse. If you shoot a cow, you get a nice sofa or a handbag. Or a steak.

2. Food. Strange as it may seem, there are people out there that eat horses. They’re called The French. But French cuisine is awful. After all, if it was any good, French chefs would stay there and cook it, wouldn’t they? But they don’t, they’re all over here in Britain, cooking food that doesn’t contain horses; making hors d’oeuvres rather than horse d’oeuvres. Is France teeming with British chefs? No. That’s because horseless cuisine is better and they want to stay. If France replaced the horse with the cow, their chefs wouldn’t leave in their droves.

3. Milk. The phrase, “get off your horse and drink your milk”, is often attributed to John Wayne. But if we were to follow Wayne’s suggestion, and get off our horse and drink our milk, we’d still have to find a cow because drinking horse-milk would just be weird. And would you fancy trying to milk a horse? I certainly wouldn’t. So if you had a horse, you’d still need a cow. If you rode a cow though, you’d only need one animal – your cow – and rather than getting off it to drink your milk, you could probably construct some sort of straw/hose milking-device to deliver your beverage to you in situ. Call yourself a cowboy, John Wayne? Too bloody right you were.

4. Society. Cows aren’t horses. They aren’t evil, terrifying, flighty and they don’t chase me round the dining room in my dreams. The world would just be a nicer place with fewer horses. What happens in a society where there are lots of horses? I’ll tell you. The streets of Edwardian Britain were riddled with the infernal beasts running amok, terrorising women in corsets and babies in perambulators just because they’d heard a backfiring omnibus or been startled by an oncoming charabang. Would cows have reacted in such a dangerous fashion? Nay.

5. The Future. You can predict future events just by looking at animals. If you look at a horse, you can tell that something bad will happen, and if you see a cow, you can apparently tell what the weather will be, just by whether it’s sitting-down or standing-up. And there’s an old piece of country wisdom which goes, “pink cow at night, Angel Delight”. Cows tell you stuff about the future and horses just give you the heebie-geebies.

6. India. In India, cows are sacred and roam free and many drivers will swerve into almost anything to avoid a collision with them. It stands to reason, therefore, that the safest place to be in India, is on a cow. Cars and trucks would actually go out of their way to avoid you. Brilliant. It would be safer than riding a horse and safer even than riding an elephant. And cows aren’t governed by speed limits, traffic lights or contraflow systems. They can go anywhere. Usually to moo at things.

7. My Family History. My late father was a horse. Not all the time, you should understand, but occasionally. I believe he was a horse twice during his lifetime. Or rather, half a horse. As a part of Manchester University’s rag week in the late 1950s, he and two friends competed in the 2:10 at Lingfield one Saturday. He (front half of horse) and his friends (back half and jockey) hid behind one of the fences during a rare – in those days – televised meeting and waited. When the other horses approached and jumped the fence, my father and his friends sprung from their hiding place and galloped down the course in pursuit of them. Despite a great deal of exertion over the following couple of furlongs, they were unable to make up much ground and soon began to tire. Their race concluded early when they were chased away by an angry policeman. That was the highlight of my father’s sporting career. In fact, it’s the biggest sporting accomplishment in our entire family history. But if those horses had been cows, my dad could have won that race. And then we could have put him out to stud. He’d have liked that.

April 7, 2011
7 Reasons To Join A Cult

The story of how 7 Reasons formed is not your traditional one. We won’t go into great detail other than to say we met because we were both in a cult. But don’t worry, this cult didn’t involve righteous killing or licking frozen chickens. Anything but. This cult was a friendly one. A cult where American architects sent dragons to newsreaders and people across the land turned the ferret gold. I am sure you are now seeing the light, but if you are still slightly unsure here are seven more reasons to join that cult.

Richard Bacon Was A Cultish Leader

1. New People. A cult is different from exclusive clubs such as The Masons because it is open to all. As a result you will meet a rich and diverse group of individuals from all walks of life. Plumbers, writers, lawyers, singers, doctors, engineers, buskers, perverts. You’ll meet the lot. And because you leave all your prejudices at the door when you enter the cult, you’ll form a bond with each and everyone of them. The most hardened Tory will find joy in conversing with the most radical Socialist. Millwall supporters will appear fluffy and cute. Formerly disgraced Blue Peter presenters will be forgiven. And that sort of thing only ever happens in a cult.

2. Opportunity. Unlike your place of work, there is no hierarchy in a cult. Or, if there is, you can very easily destroy it. You can be anyone you want to be in a cult. You can be a wallflower if you wish, or you can be a leader of men. And women. No one minds. If you are the type of man who has access to both foil and a cat (Marc) you may wish to see if one will walk over the other. But what if you don’t? What if you don’t have foil? Or a cat? What if you are a person in one of those moods and fancies taking the mick out of your leader (Jon)? Well you can do that too. And whats-more, whichever route you choose, whatever you decide to do, you will be celebrated. You will be held in high esteem. You may well start a website.

3. Reward. When you have gone out of your way to entertain those amongst your cult, it is nice to be rewarded. And nothing rewards quite like a cult. Apart from the adulation and admiration from those around you, you may also receive a badge. Or a small motorbike. But it’s usually a badge. And when I say a badge, I don’t just mean a badge, well, obviously I do, because it is a badge, but it’s also more than that. It’s more than a badge. It’s what the badge stands for. It doesn’t just say, ‘Hey, I’m in a cult’, it says, ‘Hey, I’m part of a cult’. And that’s, you know, pretty damn special.

4. Help. Whether you are at school trying to write your Personal Statement or in lying in bed ill, the cult is there to help you. Admittedly, you might not get it right all the time. All your advice may just confuse the lad and mean he misses out on that place at Cambridge University, but no one can accuse you of not trying. For all your failures, you will have hundreds of successes. Like I said earlier, the cult we were in helped turn the ferret gold. But while that was great, it is more the fact that people were there to help turn the ferret gold than the actual turning. And it was the ferret himself who first shared these sentiments. He was right.

5. Meaning. It is very easy to wander along in life, working nine to five and waiting for the weekend. There is nothing wrong with that, but joining a cult will give your life purpose. It’ll mean something to you and, more importantly, you’ll mean something to the cult. It’ll give you direction and hope and love. And let’s face it, there is very little direction, hope and love out there at the moment. Your work isn’t going to give it to you, so why not give the cult a chance?

6. Outside. When you join a cult, you join in trepidation. This is only natural. A cult, after all, has a reputation for being dark and evil and thus it is perfectly understandable if you are initially nervous. No one enters thinking they may leave with a new life. But many do. Many leave with new friends. Some leave with new girlfriends or boyfriends or both. Others leave with ideas. The rest just go to sleep. No one thought this would happen when they joined. No one expected their life to change. But it can. It does. Sure, not all friendships and relationships last, that’s life, but for a moment in time they were very real. And it was the cult that gave you that happiness. Without it, it would never have happened. Obviously, some relationships do last. Like 7 Reasons. A monster that will never be slayed.

7. Death. Eventually, sometimes for reasons outside of your control, your cult will die. You will attend the funeral (or listen to it on the radio) and be filled with deep sadness. But when you come to reflect, you realise the cult hasn’t really died. You just can’t listen to it on BBC Radio 5 Live anymore. It still lives though. In your heart. And on YouTube. You still have the memories of your leader being portrayed as Hitler. You can still listen to the music of the cult’s house band and indeed of the one you may well call T He Digger. You still have the vision of chair legs being broken by that woman who stood on a plinth for a couple of weeks. You still remember that moment when you were denied from asking Chris Evans whether his gingerness had been a help or hindrance. And these thoughts will stay with you forever. No one can take them away from you. And you’ll always be thankful that you could never get to sleep before 00:30.

So, if there is one thing you should spread this Christmas season, it is the joy of the cult.

Thankyou. Jonathan Lee, in the lounge, with his badge.

December 22, 2010