7 Reasons

Tag: Sex

  • Guest Post: 7 Reasons Men And Women Shouldn’t Converse (With Each Other)

    Guest Post: 7 Reasons Men And Women Shouldn’t Converse (With Each Other)

    Sitting between us on the 7 Reasons sofa today (and complaining about the crumbs) is Fashion Journalist, Emily Clifford. Emily lives in Sydney and writes for a variety of publications ranging from Glamour and She to The Sydney Morning Herald and The Durban Mercury. Her hobbies include rock-climbing and reading this website. She says G’Day!

    1.  Humour. When women say they like a man who can make them laugh, this is true. When men say they like a woman who can make them laugh, this is false. They just want a woman who will laugh at their jokes.

    2.  Moods. When women say they are fine, this is false. They’re not. And would actually quite like to talk about it. Just not to you. When men say they are fine, this is also false. But it was true until you interrupted them while they were reading Jeremy Clarkson’s column.

    3.  No. When women say no, this is true. They have hundreds of better things to do. Like sleep. When men say no, this is false. Unless the football’s on.

    4.  Travel. When women say they know where they are going, this is true. They have been up all night planning the route. When men say they know where they are going, this is false. They are just going to wing it. Or switch on the sat-nav.

    5.  Decisions. When women say it’s your decision, this is false. The correct suggestion was suggested by her five minutes ago and it should be perfectly obvious. When men say it’s your decision, this is true. They know it can’t come back to haunt them that way.

    6.  Lateness. When women say they have been waiting twenty minutes, this is false. They spent so long doing their make-up and deciding what shoes to wear that they have only been waiting five minutes. When men say they have been waiting five minutes, this is false. They have actually been waiting twenty minutes, but see this as a great opportunity to do something they have read about and be the ‘better man’.

    7.  Dating. When women say they would love to see you again, this is true. When men say they would love to see you again, this is false. They just don’t know how to articulate the words, “This was great, but no thanks”. Bastards.

  • 7 Reasons to Have an Extra Hand

    7 Reasons to Have an Extra Hand

    1. Eating.  Eating would be better with an extra hand.  Young love-struck couples would be able to eat properly and hold hands at the same time.  More established couples would be able to eat properly and repel the advances of their chip-stealing spouse at the same time.  Old couples would be able to eat properly and take their pills at the same time.  Single people would be able to use all of the cutlery at once.

    2.  Driving.  Driving would be safer if we all had an extra hand.  The sort of idiots who use their phone or apply make-up while driving would now be able to do it with their extra hand.  Obviously there will be people who would now believe that they can drive with one hand while applying make-up with the second and using their phone with the third.  Don’t fret too much about this though.  You will be able to use your extra hand to take down their registration number or to gesticulate at them.  I shall be using my extra hand to thump my nemesis – the sat-nav.  Jennifer Aniston will use her extra hand to touch her hair while driving, while Michael Buble will use his to point.

    3.  Jugglers. If we all had an extra hand then those smug gits, jugglers, would look silly with their antiquated and inefficient action and the rest of us could taunt them by languidly tossing three things about at once.  Hopefully this would cause them to realise they are pointless idiots.

    4.  Sex.  As an Englishman I can’t write about sex without resorting to euphemism.  Suffice it to say that with two extra hands couples could simultaneously mash the creamy anvil, startle the somnambulant vicar and unfetter the slobbery lobster.  The new tri-sexuality is going to be great!

    5.  Economy.  If we had a third hand the global recession would end*.  The clothing industry would be revitalised by having to manufacture extra sleeves and gloves as would agriculture, as we would need a third more sheep, silk and cotton.  There would be a boom in making your own clothes as knitting would become much easier and quicker, thus optimising the efficiency of your grandma.  It would also require the manufacture of 33.3% more knitting needles.  The decimal system would also be replaced as we would find it simpler to calculate things in fifteens.  The new quindecimal system would require the manufacture of lots of new signs and equipment.  All of this extra manufacturing would cause a global economic boom.  The quindecimal system would also cause 7 Reasons to become 10.5 Reasons, which would make two grown men cry.

    6.  Italians.  Italians gesticulate a lot while they talk and are effortlessly cool.  With an extra hand they will be able to gesticulate, smoke, drink, look cool, ride a Vespa and eat an ice cream at the same time.  They do that now, of course, they’ll just be better at it.

    7.  Jewellery.  With an extra hand, women will be able to wear more rings and bracelets.  This will cause them to buy a lot more of them too, leading to an increase in the number of “white lies” told to husbands.  Men will wear a second watch with built-in functions other than time-telling:  A small television, a compass, a torch, a screwdriver and an extinguisher for their wife’s pants will all be common features.

    *Strangely, there is a total lack of research or data available to support this claim.