Tag: Sea

Guest Post: 7 Reasons Cruises Are More Fun That You’d Think

When you think of cruise holidays, what do you think of? One too many blue rinses? Families of chavs dive bombing the swimming pool every five seconds? You wouldn’t be alone in thinking this, but in reality cruise holidays are a lot of fun and today we will provide you with seven wonderful reasons why.

1. Food glorious food. Holidays, my friend, are for eating, and if you opt for a cruise you will be surprised by the quality and sheer amount of food on offer. Breakfast buffets piled high with croissants, fresh fruit, yoghurt, not to mention the wonder that is the ‘omelette station’ – and that’s just breakfast! Try and save room for the evening’s fine dining – the food served of an evening on certain cruise ships can rival even the fanciest Michelin star restaurants. Dine on salads before you go, because we guarantee that you’ll still be able to wear anything that doesn’t have an elasticated waistband by the end of your trip!

2. A chance to be fancy. On what other type of holiday do you have the chance to don your finest glad-rags each and every evening? Exactly. One of the best things about cruise holidays is just how formal the evenings are – fine food, wine and company teamed with an excuse to wear that ball gown that’s been hanging in the back of your closet for years.

3. Everything is within your reach. Nowadays cruise ships have every activity that you could possibly want to try, all on one gigantic floating city. Whether you fancy a spot of golf, trying your hand on the surf simulator or scrambling up the climbing wall – you won’t have to venture far from your cabin to do it. For those of you who don’t like anything this active, there will be swimming pools and sunbeds galore (no matter how many Germans are on your ship to get there before you!) and you can also while away a few hours in the on-board library or cinema. There is something for everyone.

4. Avoid the perils of packing and unpacking. No-one enjoys cramming all of their holidays essentials into one tiny bag and jamming it shut via the use of all of your body weight! This is a task that should be repeated only once or twice per trip max. The joy of a cruise is that although you are visiting multiple destinations – you only have to unpack once! Splendid.

5. See multiple places. Admit it – airports are annoying! Cruises eradicate the need to face stern-faced security officials menacingly telling you to remove your belt, and that’s before we even get on to the horror of aeroplane food! Phew. On a cruise you can literally wake up in a different place every day without the hassle that comes with getting yourself there.

6. Superb service. Let’s be honest, the service that you experience in that Costa del Sol all-inclusive hotel is, more often than not, more Faulty Towers than First Class! Not so upon a cruise ship. The staff are typically interesting folk who have seen the world, and the performers wouldn’t be out of place on the West End stage.

7. Booze is included. If you want to start the day with a Bloody Mary, casually move into late morning Pimms, afternoon Champagne and evening cocktails – you can do so! Just try to avoid drunken walks on the deck!

April 26, 2013
Guest Post: 7 Reasons Why Spain Is The Best Destination

Spain may have a reputation for foam parties, fry ups and British tourists who still think it’s fashionable to pop knotted hankies on their heads but that’s not the reality at all. There are a multitude of reasons why Spain is the best destination for you and I promise that there will be absolutely no mention of Magaluf, Benidorm or bull fighting.

1. It’s Close. Far away destinations are all very well but jetlag’s a bitch and ticket prices can be astronomical. Look at it this way, you can snap up cheap flights to Alicante, hop on a plane and be on the beach (or bar) in next to no time. Plus, there’s no need for injections.

2. Fantastic Food. Spaniards don’t mess around with vegetables – they like to stick to the most awesome of the food groups – meat, seafood and carbs. What more could you want from a holiday than mounds of tasty paella accompanied with a mountain of chorizo, bread and cheese? Tapas comes in tiny portions as well so it’s possible to kid yourself into believing that because you are eating from a little plate, you are actually being healthy. I’m just not sure that rule applies after 10 plates!

3. Boozing. Spaniards know how to drink. I read somewhere that Spain comes 9th worldwide on the wine consumption scale with the average Spaniard drinking 38 litres of wine a year. If that doesn’t deserve a high 5, I don’t know what does.

4. Siestas. Any nation which takes a break in the middle of the day for a nap has got their priorities right. No-one wants to be slaving away in the midday heat but the rest of us are too proud to admit it and soldier on regardless. Spain knows what’s up. Just because we’re adults, doesn’t mean we shouldn’t indulge in an afternoon nap – life’s too short.

5. Sun, sea and sand. You’re on holiday – you shouldn’t have to wear much else other than swimwear and flip-flops. The Spanish climate is delightful. Team that with the 3000km of beaches and bath-like water temperatures and you’re on to a winner.

6. Nightlife. In Spain, people don’t even venture out of the house until midnight. Napping during the day gives you more energy to party until the sun comes up…and they do.

7. Attractive People. Her music may be rubbish but when it comes to boyfriend choices, Kylie Minogue knows her stuff. Kylie’s Top Tip – go for the Spaniards. Her latest squeeze Andres Velencoso hails from Tossa de Mar in Catalonia. Other Spanish hotties include supermodel Jon Kortajarena and let’s not forget one of the world’s most beautiful couples – Penelope Cruz and Javier Bardem. The Spanish have the dark and brooding look nailed – surely that’s reason alone why Spain is the best destination…

March 22, 2012
7 Reasons To Get A Winter Beach Body

It’s the summer, and chances are that, right now, your thoughts are turning to holidays, with all of the indolent ease, languor and sheer carefree bliss that they entail. Unless you’re standing in a branch of WH Smith and gazing at a magazine stand consisting of dozens of covers featuring airbrushed pictures and article titles such as “How To Get The Perfect Summer Beach Body”, in which case you’re probably experiencing something akin to terror. But don’t panic, you don’t need the “perfect summer beach body” for your holiday; in fact, it’s infinitely inferior to the winter beach body. Here are seven reasons why.

1. A Winter Beach Body Is A Safer Option. And safety in the sea is important. When I was a svelte child, learning to swim, one of the things that all of my friends and family spent many hours teaching me to do was float. “It’s simple”, they would say, “you just stretch your arms and legs out and relax”, and then they’d just lie there, on top of the sea. Then it would be my turn: I’d stretch my arms and legs out, relax, and soon I’d find myself floating serenely. To the bottom of the sea. I would sink like a stone every time. But if you have a winter beach body, you’ll be difficult to sink and, should you get into trouble and find yourself floating away from the shore, you’ll be easier to spot from the beach or a helicopter. Your chances of surviving your beach holiday will be manifestly better than those of summer-bodied people.

2. A Winter Beach Body Makes A Statement. Getting a summer beach body is easy, anyone can do it. But getting a winter beach body takes a considerable investment of time and money and requires technology too. You can use it to flaunt your wealth and status. What does your winter beach body say about you? A winter beach body says that you can afford to dine well; a winter beach body says that you’re a car owner; a winter beach body says that you live somewhere modern festooned with lifts and escalators; a winter beach body says that you can afford twice as much suntan oil as anyone else on the beach; a winter beach body says that you might own a Segway. A winter beach body signifies affluence and ease.

3. A Winter Beach Body Is Practical. You might be holidaying in Britain and for that, a winter beach body is the better option. On British beaches, where people consume ice cream to warm themselves up, you’ll at least stand half a chance of not dying of hypothermia or exposure. What’s the last question that any family in the UK asks before they head off to the beach? “Have you remembered to pack the blanket”? In this country, insulation is most important thing that you can take to the beach. Winter beach bodies have more of that, built-in.

4. Getting A Winter Beach Body Is More Fun. You don’t need to starve yourself or drink eight litres of water a day to get a winter beach body. You won’t have to visit a gym either, unless you’re going there to use the horizontal bar (the one with the bottles on it). You won’t have to spend the months leading up to your holiday eating only beetroot during daylight hours (except for every second Tuesday, which is miso soup day) and you’ll never, ever have to eat celery.

5. A Winter Beach Body Requires Less Hair Removal. As the possessor of a winter beach body you’ll be less inclined to wear a bikini made from a shoelace or a pair of budgie smugglers so small that they can barely contain your budgie. This means that there’ll be less hair removal, which is good as hair removal is the most painful experience known to man (and the second most painful known to woman). I would sooner break my fingers with a piano lid than tweeze a nose hair, let alone pluck one from down there, beneath my trousers. A winter beach body means less pain. Or fewer pain, to be correct about it.

6. A Winter Beach Body Frees You From The Beach. With a winter beach body, you might find that you’ll want to spend less time on the beach, away from all of those preening show-offs. This is brilliant, as no one actually likes the beach. It’s uncomfortable, being made of either stones (which hurt) or sand (which chafes). It’s boring, as the number of people busy ignoring it and burying their noses in their books demonstrates and it’s frustrating, as your chips will be stolen by a seagull. If you spend less time on the beach, you’ll have more fun, and you’ll get to eat all of your chips yourself. Unless you’re a man. Your winter beach body will liberate you from the beach.

7. It’s Too Late To Do Anything Else. Having blithely ignored every magazine at the supermarket checkout and every other daytime television programme telling you how to get the perfect summer beach body for the past five months or so, there’s very little time left. This is good, as getting a winter beach body is quick and easy. It won’t be the perfect summer beach body as depicted in magazines (which are only ever perfect in the mind of the beholder, and never in the mind of the owner), but it’ll be your body. Take it to the beach and enjoy yourself, or even better, take it away from the beach and enjoy yourself. Oh, and don’t read magazines.*

*Do, however, read websites.

July 22, 2011
7 Reasons That It Should Be Impossible to Drive Into The Sea

This year, there have been eight incidents of motorists being rescued from the sea near Holy Island. But it just seems completely impossible that this can happen. Here are seven reasons why.

This isn’t possible.

1. There’s A Bloody Great Sign. As you approach the causeway to Holy Island, there’s a sign. It tells you not to drive across to the island when water approaches the causeway. It’s a big, yellow sign, and it’s big and yellow because big, yellow things are highly visible. Can you see the sun? Yes? That’s because it’s a big, yellow thing. Just like the sign that tells you not to drive into the sea.

Can you see this?

2. It’s Called Holy Island. What’s in a name? Well, in this case, there’s a hint as to the nature of the place to which these people were headed. There’s the word Holy, which means tread carefully, and the word Island, which is a declaration that this is a place that is cut off from the mainland somehow; most likely by water. If I were going to an island, I’d expect water. And, hopefully, an ice cream.

3. You Have To Drive Along A Causeway. A causeway is a raised road that crosses marshy ground or water. Now I understand that not everyone knows this and, indeed, there was a time in my life that I didn’t know what a causeway was. And then, when I was seven, that all changed and I learned that word. Now, given that you have to be at least seventeen to drive a car is this possible? Are there people over the age of seventeen in this country that are unfamiliar with the either the word island or the word causeway? There can’t be.

4. Another Sign. Perhaps I’m wrong when I assume that these inadvertent submariners were approaching Holy Island. Perhaps these hapless buffoons were leaving it. But maybe I’m being harsh and these people were just a tiny bit muddled and forgetful. But no, they can’t be, because there are more signs; signs to warn those people that are about to drive across the causeway for a second time. Big, yellow signs and different signs too. Signs that tell you to consult a tide table if you’re in any doubt as to whether you should attempt to drive across the sea.

5. Tide Table. But telling people to consult a tide table isn’t overly helpful, is it? After all, who keeps a tide table in their glove-box? And, come to think of it, who keeps gloves in their glove-box? Why isn’t is known as the half a pocket pack of tissues and the charger for a phone-box?* Anyway it’s conceivable that people won’t have a tide table on them so perhaps, once again, I’m judging them too harshly. But…

…oh look, there it is. That wasn’t too hard to find after all. Are these foundering fuckwits an early indication that humans are reverting to apes?

6. Boats. Britain is an Island. And, because of our glorious seafaring history, it will be apparent to anyone with even a modicum of an education or cognitive function that, to cross the sea, you need a boat. Did Nelson fight the battle of Trafalgar on a horse? Was Hitler able to drive his panzers across the sea in 1941? Did Sir Francis Drake sally forth to dispatch the armada at the wheel of a Nissan Micra? No. This is because you can’t drive in the sea. That is a widely known and commonly accepted truth.

7. Other Nations. I’m assuming that these shipwrecked simpletons are British though. But there are other nationalities that have done this too. Because in the latest incident in which motorists had to be rescued from the sea by a lifeboat near Holy Island (and who wouldn’t want to be a fly on the wall for that conversation?) they weren’t British at all. And I suppose that it’s quite conceivable that if you were from a landlocked nation and weren’t familiar with the English language that it would be possible for you to inadvertently get caught out on the causeway. So which landlocked non-English-speaking land with no absolutely no history of seafaring did these people come from? Australia.

It’s not possible that people are driving into the sea, but they are. How? Why? Answers on a postcard please.

*That’s a charger for a phone, not a charger for a phone-box.

June 20, 2011
Guest Post: 7 Reasons Dolphins Are The Physical Embodiment Of Evil

The 7 Reasons sofa tour of the USA takes another break this week as we head back to Blighty. Desperately in need of tea (Jon) and coffee (Marc) we have parked up in Manchester. By pure coincidence this also happens to be the home of perennial 7 Reasons guest writer, Liz Gregory. Luckily we arrive whilst Liz is tackling dolphins. Not literally of course, just literarily. I’m sure you do it already, but here is a reminder that you can read Liz’s work more regularly over at Things To Do In Manchester.

Cute, friendly creatures, right? WRONG. Dolphins are plotting the destruction of the human race, and it’s only a matter of time before an episode of Dr Who documents this possibility. Here’s why:

1. Too Intelligent By Half. Dolphin-supporters are keen to hold up cleverness as a reason to admire these marine menaces rather than fear them. But honestly, if you were that clever, would you be satisfied with jumping through hoops for treats? No, thought not.

2. Horrid Sinister Curly Mouth. I can always tell when my husband has misbehaved or is telling fibs because his mouth goes curly at the edges. Dolphins’ mouths do this ALL THE TIME, because they are plotting ALL THE TIME.

3. Sinister Clicking Noises. I accept that all creatures communicate in their own way, but why that communication system has to involve a series of unpleasant clicks and whirring is beyond me. Either talk properly, or be quiet.

4. That Episode Of The Simpsons. “Night of the Dolphin” aired in 2000 to great rejoicing from the anti-dolphin community, because it showed the truth: interfering Lisa frees a load of dolphins from an aquatic park and they repay her faith by taking over the world. That’s because they want WORLD DOMINATION, and you can’t say you weren’t warned about this ten years ago.

5. Too Keen To Befriend The Human Race. Aah, how lovely – dolphins are always quick to swim alongside humans in the sea, no doubt in a bid to bond and strike up cross-species friendships. No – they want to rob you, and have yet to work out that humans don’t carry money, phones or keys in swimwear. Not so clever now, eh?

6. Too Many Friends In The Sea, Big Ones. The dolphins are undoubtedly the brains beyond the aquatic world domination plan, but obviously they need a bit of muscle behind them. And have you seen how big those whales are? They’ll be the ones blocking the doors when the dolphins storm the Houses of Parliament.

7. Retractable Legs, Probably. You may scoff, and point out that we will always be safe from the snub-nosed ones because they are rubbish on land, what with having no legs and all. I have one thing to say to this: you didn’t think Daleks could go up stairs either, did you?

So remember: stay away from the water, lock all your doors, and NEVER wave a hoop at a dolphin – they have VERY long memories. Click, click, whir.

August 7, 2010