7 Reasons

Tag: Pundits

  • 7 Reasons That Ex-Footballers Should Appear At News Events

    7 Reasons That Ex-Footballers Should Appear At News Events

    One of the most bizarre aspects of the Raoul Moat story earlier this year was the arrival of Gazza during the police stand-off with Moat.  Gazza turned up in a taxi with some beer, a fishing rod, some cans of lager and a chicken.  This seemed like a one-off occurrence that would never be repeated.  But then, last Sunday, the BBC reported that ex-footballers were turning up at the site where Chilean miners are currently trapped.  They didn’t name any players, leading us to wonder if it was Gazza again, but that set us thinking.  With their perceived self-obsession and sense of other-worldliness, surely there’s no news event that can’t be improved by the appearance of an ex-footballer? Oh, by the way, we know that Robbie Savage isn’t an former-footballer yet, but he does play like one.

    1.  Jamie Redknapp Appears At The Election Of David Cameron. “Dave, Dave, it’s me, Jamie.  I brought you a Nintendo Wii and a lamb bhuna.  That bird’s a bit fat isn’t she.  Where’s my hand?”

    2.  Michel Platini Appears At The Liberation Of Paris. “General De Gaulle!  General De Gaulle!  It is I, Michel, of the Union des Associations Européennes de Football.  I ‘ave brought you a bicycle and some cheese .  Don’t you worry.  I’ll make sure ze English pay for this abomination.  Coming over here, liberating our France, who do they sink they are?”

    3.  Roy Keane Appears At The Trial Of Saddam Hussein. “Saddam, it’s me, Roy.  I brought you some potcheen and absolutely no prawn sandwiches whatsoever.  I grew a beard just like yours.  Grrrr.  I’m fierce, me.  I never blink, look.  Never.   Grrrr.

    4.  Robbie Savage Appears At The Salem Witch Trials. “Hey witches, it’s me, Savvo.  I brought you some hair putty and digestive biscuits.  Don’t I look nice.  I just came to let you know that I get all of my trainers for free.  Hey.   Hey!  Put me down…Why are you tying me to a pole?  I’ve got a Lamborghini.

    5.  Bryan Robson Appears At The JFK Assassination. “John, Jackie.  It’s me, Bryan.  I brought you some Brown Ale and an apple crumble.  Ooh, that looks nasty.  I had an injury like that in 1983, 1987, 1988 and 1991.”

    6.  Alan Hansen Appears At The Siege Of Troy. “Hey Trojans, it’s me, Alan.  I brought you nothing.  I did, however, find this large wooden horse outside the gates so I wheeled it in for you.  I’ve been analysing your defence and it looks rock-solid at the back, both centrally and in the flanks.  This siege is men against boys.  Well done.  Lawro would have been here with me but he’s got a cold and is a bit hoarse.  He paid me to say that.

    7.  Peter Reid Appears During The Wall Street Crash. “Hey Bankers, it’s me, Reidy.  I’ve brought you some Wagon Wheels and a motivational speech.  Ahem.  Though we find ourselves in adversity, things are never as bad as they seem and we can still turn this round before the end of trading…hey!   You shouldn’t go out there, we’re on the eighth floor.  Come back.  Lads…lads…

  • 7 Reasons Sports Personality 2009 Was A Joke

    7 Reasons Sports Personality 2009 Was A Joke

    Ryan Giggs - Sports Personality of the Year 2009

    1.  Andy Murray. Where was he? If Andrew Strauss could be on a live link, then why couldn’t Murray? He may have had a legitimate reason, but as things stand he has just made it slightly harder for me to like him again. Goodness me, that boy’s an effort.

    2.  Coach of the Year. Yes, Fabio Capello has done a good job with England – I say good job, it’s actually a sad indictment of English football that it takes an Italian coach to make the players England possess play well together – but what did he actually coach us to? Top spot in the qualifying table. The last time I checked that meant sod all – apart from that it is part one of the proper job. Have the panel ever heard of Ross Brawn or Declan Kidney? How did they not even make the shortlist? Muppetry.

    3.  Team of the Year. Well, the pundits got this half right. The sport was right, sadly the team was not. England Women’s Cricket Team should have won this. What more did the pundits want them to do? They won the Ashes. They won the World Cup. They won the Twenty20 World Cup. That’s really quite a big clue. More muppetry.

    4.  Kelly Holmes. What the hell was she wearing? If I was a girl I am pretty sure that would have been the kind of outfit I would want to have worn when I was about twelve and going bowling with my friends Bianca and Stace.

    5.  James Corden. For a minute I thought he had just wandered into the wrong studio, but then he appeared on stage. And then he presented an award. If the BBC wanted him to present an award they should have had him on BBC2 getting ready to handover the Pukka Pies UK Snooker Championship trophy.

    6.  Andrew Strauss. Personally, I think he should have won – for reasons I have outlined before on this website – but not even coming in the top three is bizarre. He single-handedly dragged a team that was humiliated in the West Indies to winning the Ashes just five months later. It wasn’t like 2005 when England had beaten everyone in the past eighteen months. What more do our sportsmen/women have to do to please people?

    7.  Ryan Giggs. Yes, the big one. How the bloody hell is Ryan Giggs Sports Personality of the Year 2009? I am still trying to work it out. Yes, he had a fine year. Yes, he is a fine player. Yes, it is refreshing to have a footballer with humility in a sport where there is severe lack of it (not that that should be grounds for winning SPOTY). But seriously? He did not have a better sporting year than six World Champions. He did not have a better year than an Ashes winning captain. He did not have a better year than a tennis player who reached the ranking of number two in the world. He did not have a better year than a six-time Tour de France stage winner. Give him a lifetime achievement award someday, sure, but no one can tell me he deserved to beat the other nine contenders this year. But as you voted for him, please try. I really need to understand this.