Mobility scooters used to be a vehicle of ridicule. That was until they became the latest must-have accessory for trendy London types looking to make a statement. Let’s face it, chicks dig a guy with wheels. This is an undisputed fact. The capital city trail blazers are just the first to realise the humble mobility scooter’s true potential.
Here are seven reasons why London trendsters are pulling out the mop and cleaning up with the ladies.
1. It Makes You Different. Forget about fixies. Forget about those super-stylish, thick-rimmed glasses with no lenses. Forget everything you once knew. The mobility scooter is here and it’s what’s going to make you stand out in 2012. Analysts are recommending that all those considering a mobility scooter should purchase one as soon as possible before the river of wonder-struck babes dries up.
2. Age Becomes No Object. Ever had your eye on that gorgeous cougar in the office but been shunned because of your seemingly tender years? Worry no longer. Rock up to work on one of these bad boys and she’ll forget that you’re 20 years her junior. Shock and mesmerise as you take the lift up to the 6th floor, await the doors to open before ramming the throttle and blasting past her desk in an 8mph whirlwind of lust. She’s yours now compadre, and we’re proud of you.
3. Park Where The Balls You Want. Say no to restrictions. The mobility scooter allows you to park wherever you want. Hell, park up in front of a cop car if you want. What are they going to say? Nothing, because you’re the coolest bro in town.
4. Late Night Safety. It’s a dangerous world out there. Things can turn ugly real quick. So, as your silhouette glides effortlessly past a group of oncoming hoodies, there’s little doubt that you’re going to scoot past without hassle. What’s the alternative? You bike head long into the group of youths riding your fixie and wearing a pair of Joe 90s? You’ll get decked. Avoid the pain and embarrassment by gently revving the engine to a steady 5mph and cruise straight past the suckers. You can even smile and wave if you like. They won’t do anything. They’ll be too busy thinking about how many chicks your wheels have scored you.
5. Skip The Queue. You’re a busy man about town. The last thing you need is to be waiting in line with all the other nobodies. You’re a somebody now. Don’t forget that. Casually drift past the queue of civilians as you, mobility royalty, focus on securing first place in line. And you will. In situations where comments are passed, simply point to your rims, shake your head and flip the bird as you nonchalantly scoot headlong to the front. Remember to maintain eye contact. They won’t question you again.
6. Make A Name For Yourself. You’re bound to get into trouble with the police. Women flock to you, bouncers send you through as VIP, you’ve been awarded a knighthood – all of which is bound to draw unwanted attention from unscrupulous bacon.
Fear not. Let them come at you. Let them see the man that you’ve become. The only crime you’ve committed is becoming England’s most eligible bachelor.
They may try to pin a falsified charge on you. Driving without mobility insurance perhaps. After all, they want you off the streets. They want a level playing field for the rest of society and with you out there, that’s simply not possible. When your brush with the law inevitably transpires, preparation is key. Know the drill inside out. Reach into your mobility scooter’s storage compartment, don your sheriff’s hat and repeat:
“These streets would be anarchy if I wasn’t around. So who’s the real peace keeper here?”
Dumbstruck and in a state of resignation, the police you once feared will buckle under the weight of your supremacy. At this point, simply flip the bird and continue on your merry way. Flipping the bird is now your right.
7. Win. Win at everything. If the previous six reasons have taught you anything it’s this: with these new powers, you’re immune to failure. The win is yours if you want it. Scrap that, everything is yours if you want it. Make it happen. Be one of the first to embrace the mobility scooter’s awesome power and, in return, prepare yourself for the embrace of a thousand eager bed-time-babes.
