7 Reasons

Tag: online

  • 7 Reasons The Brylcreem Batting Challenge Is Flawed

    7 Reasons The Brylcreem Batting Challenge Is Flawed

    The Brylcreem Batting Challenge puts you in the shoes of Kevin Pietersen and tells you to smack the ball as far as you can. It sounds like fun. And it was. Until I started getting bored and noticed how much better it could be.

    1.  The Ball. It’s bloody huge. It should break KP’s bat. Does it? Of course not. In fact it can be hit as far as a giant India-based jelly. As we shall see in a minute.

    2.  KP’s Neck. He hasn’t got one. I have seen Kevin Pietersen in the flesh. And there was quite a sizable neck on show. So where the hell has it gone? If they wanted a cricketer without a neck they should have called Gladstone Small.

    3.  Barbados. According to Brylcreem this is Barbados. Not only is it very small it would appear that a three toed giant is buried under the beach.

    4.  The Giant Lizard. This lizard is just across the sea from Barbados – on a beach in St. Vincent and the Grenadines by my calculations. That’s some 100 miles away. That scale makes this lizard approximately 65 miles long. Thank goodness my shot landed in the water. I would hate to have riled it.

    5.  India. At least I assume this is India. That is where I thought the Taj Mahal was situated. It’s quite hard to tell though when you have the Sydney Opera House and a giant jelly in the background.

    6.  New York. We started in England, then we went to the West Indies, then India, then Australia. I can understand that. Proper cricket nations in a proper cricket game. So why the hell have I just ended up in the Big Apple? Where is South Africa or Sri Lanka or New Zealand?

    7.  The Brylcreem Zone. It is not so much the fact that I ended up in the Brylcreem Zone that frustrates me – this is the objective of the game – it’s what I get for arriving here. My style is upgraded and I get a bonus 2000 points. Is that it? I have just twatted a ball from London to the Brylcreem Zone and all I get is a style upgrade and 2000 meaningless bonus points? Where the hell is my 10% discount code? Why is KP not nodding his appreciation? Has his big head fallen off? What a waste of bloody time.

  • 7 Reasons to Shop Online

    7 Reasons to Shop Online

    Online Shopping

    1. Queues.  Sometimes, shops are busy and there are long queues.  Having spent the previous ten minutes standing in a queue for the checkout, many people are taken by surprise when they are asked for money.  Once they get over the shock of this unanticipated event, they proceed to spend an inordinate amount of time fumbling for cash, cards or vouchers in their pocket, wallet or handbag (sometimes all three), thus making everyone else’s wait in the queue even longer.  Approximately 50% of the people in the queue will do this.  When an online shop is busy, their servers are sometimes slow, which causes pages to load slowly.  This gives you time to practice drumming on the desk or to sing show-tunes from Fiddler on the Roof which, on balance, is better than murdering idiots in Borders.

    2.  Scary Man.

    Scary Man

    I saw this man at the shops.

    3.  Creativity.  If you have too much beer, you can’t go shopping.  You tend to stumble about, get distracted and forget things.  You may even fall over or get asked to leave the shop.  When shopping online though, drunkenness is a virtue, as it lowers our inhibitions and brings our creative tendencies to the fore.  In the same way that all of the best ideas happen in the pub (and are sadly often forgotten), all the best shopping ideas occur when under the influence.  Why buy your partner perfume or aftershave, lingerie or underpants in a shop when you can have a few beers and get them a pan in the shape of a fried egg, a map of New Zealand, an illuminated bust of Beethoven and a biography of Charles Lindbergh?  You can also get yourself a new bicycle while you’re at it.

    4.  Happy cat.  When you have to go to the shop for groceries, you tend to pick up a couple of tins of cat food at a time.  When you shop online, you stock up.  The monthly online grocery shop is like Christmas for cats.

    Happy Cat_edited-1

    5.  Attire. When you visit the shops, you have to dress normally, or people will point at you and security guards may follow you around.  When you’re shopping online, however, you can wear whatever you want.  If you’re fond of hats, you can wear a pith helmet, a Davy Crockett hat, a top hat or a straw boater without feeling at all self-conscious.  If you’re not fond of hats, you can wear whatever costume you like.  You could dress up as a Louis XVI or a pirate – you could even dress up as a bear, though this might hamper your ability to use the keyboard and may cause you to order too much salmon.

    6.  Teenagers.  The over-made-up 15 year girl at the Superdrug checkout who hates you for reasons that you don’t understand doesn’t scowl at you, and sigh when you tell her that you don’t require a bag, when you shop online.  You may not recall treading on her puppy but at some point during a transaction with her, you will wonder if you have.

    7.  Christmas.  When you shop online your senses aren’t assaulted by gaudy decorations, flashing lights, glittery stuff or baubles, unless that’s what your own home looks like, in which case you probably won’t mind.  You will not bang your head on all of the decorations which were hung from the ceiling by an inconsiderate short-arse (for blind people this is a serious issue) and you will not have to listen to Stop The Cavalry once, let alone thirty times.  I hate Stop The Cavalry so much that I’m tempted to write Stop The Stop The Cavalry.  I probably will do, in a queue in a shop while waiting for people who’ve just discovered that they need to exchange money for goods.