Great news, 7 Reasons readers! It’s now the future, for the zenith of that great and influential piece of technology – the pen – is here. Pictured down there, just below these words, is the most awesome pen ever. The only pen you’ll ever need. A pen that you can use on absolutely any occasion. If you want to be prepared, never mind the Scouts, get this pen. Did I mention that it’s awesome already? It’s awesome.
1. It’s Mighty. Okay, I can’t get anything past you. You’ve noticed, haven’t you? It doesn’t look like a pen, does it? No. It’s made from a .375 calibre bullet. That makes this pen mightier than the pen, which is mightier than the sword. It’s also packaged in an attractive gift case and is easy to transport in your pocket.
2. It’s Handy. I live in Britain where few people own guns and, as such, I have a very limited understanding of them. But what if bands of roaming barbarian hordes turned up at my house. Or hordes of roaming barbarian bands? Or reams of hording, barbering hands? Or bandaged ranks, handy with swords? I’d be fucked. And really confused. But if I had a bullet pen I’d be able to defend myself and my loved ones in the best possible way: By writing a cross letter to the local newspaper and then hurling the pen really hard at an assailant. That should work, right?
3. It’s Feminine. Now, you might be thinking that this isn’t a very feminine accoutrement, and that this awesome pen would be undesirable to women. But you’d be very, very wrong. Because if you thought that, you’d be making the crass assumption that what every woman wants is a man. But they don’t. And let me tell you right now, there is no surer way of not getting a man than for a woman to carry a large bullet around in her handbag. None. You can’t even top this with a cat in a pram or a hat made of cheese. Or Crocs.
4. It’s Waterproof. It writes underwater, which is something conventional pens can’t do. And it’s important to be able to write under water. For a successful submariner, for example, the ability to write under water is a necessary part of the job. They need to be able to write things down to do with charts and protractors and compasses and periscopes that you couldn’t possibly understand. If they were explained by me. The Fisher .375 Caliber Bullet Space Pen is ideal for all of this underwater tomfoolery.
5. It’s Airproof. It writes over water too. So if you’re an unsuccessful submariner, you can still use the pen without feeling stigmatised and discriminated against as a consequence of your haplessness and ineptitude. Sure, other submariners may mock you, but it won’t be because of your pen.
6. It’s Oilproof. Who amongst us hasn’t been trapped in a barrel of oil and suddenly remembered that it’s Mothers Day? If you own this pen, your mother will never be card-less again. You’ll also be able to write inside a wok and on the head of my teenage self. It’s so practical!
7. It’s A Force For Good. It raises the stakes and pushes back the boundaries of science, technology, the human species as a whole and the design of pouch laminating machines. Because the bullet space-pen is so amazing that it’s way ahead of the curve. Sure, the pen works underwater, and so does paper. For a short time. But eventually in water, paper turns to papier-mâché and, as we know, turning French is undesirable. The only thing that can prevent this horror is the pouch laminating machine which sadly, does not work underwater. Because of this technological imbalance, humankind will inevitably pour all sorts of resources into making the underwater pouch laminating machine a reality. All because of the Fisher .375 Caliber Bullet Space Pen. Bring on the future* (only £16.34 and delivered free within the UK)!
*My birthday is in June.
