Yesterday, Marc became fascinated with boys. Being a man of sound intellect, he left the girls to me. In fact, he practically urged me to look at girls. And, up until January 29th 2010, I wouldn’t have needed much convincing. Nor would there have been anyone to tell me off for doing so. Things are slightly different now though, which means I need to clarify that I am only looking at 100 differently named girls for your benefit. To be honest, I got no satisfaction from dong so. Here’s why:
1. Political Impact. There are four women in the Cabinet. (They’re probably looking for the gin). There’s Theresa of course. And a Cheryl. And a Caroline. And a Baroness Warsi – who also goes by the name Sayeeda. I have to report that having studied the statistics in detail, there isn’t a Theresa, Cheryl or Caroline anywhere in the top 100 names in 2010 or 2000. Nor is there a Baroness, Warsi or Sayeeda. Which only goes to prove, absolutely nothing.
2. The Unusual. The name Esme is by far and away the most ridiculous on the list, but she was hardly languishing in 2000. She was 171st then and last year made it to 71st. Wow. Now I don’t know any Esmes and nor, I fervently hope, do you. So I wondered if there was a not-very famous person responsible for the minor increased popularity of the name. It turns out there is. She’s called Esme Kamphuis and she’s a Dutch bobsledder who finished 12th in the 2008 Winter Olympics. People are naming their girls after a fairly average bobsledder. That’s riveting.
3. F1. The name Louise has dropped out of the top 100 since its position at number 80 in 2000. It is highly unlikely this is due to ITV’s loss of Formula One coverage in 2008. I very much doubt anyone would have named their daughter after Louise Goodman. BBC’s token F1 female reporter is Lee McKenzie. The name Lee doesn’t appear in the top 100 in 2000 and nor does it appear in the top 100 in 2010. Which only goes to show that for all the impact F1 makes it may as well go to Sky Sports.
4. Alexandra. A safe name; a solid name; a sensible name; a reliable name and some might say, a dull name. And that’s absolutely spot on. The facts tell us that the name Alexandra is just as boring as you (okay, Marc, mostly Marc) had previously supposed. From its year 2000 position of somewhere outside the top 100 it went on a rollercoaster ride in which it plunged to somewhere outside the top 100 in 2009 and then, in a monumental upswing of fortunes in 2010, scaled the list back to somewhere outside the top 100. Breathtaking it is not. Turns out that Alexandra is as dull as we thought it was. Making it the perfect name for my daughter.
5. Noah. I can state categorically that no girl has ever been named Noah. Not even when they played the lead role in the play with the animals and the arc. Fascinating stuff, huh?
6. Roberta. What the hell happened to Roberta? Well, nothing. It was never a good name in the first place and I am pleased to say it has continued in that vein ever since. Here are some names from last year that are considerably more popular than Roberta: Elizabeth, Lucy, Emily, Rachel and Claire. Who the hell knows more Elizabeths, Lucys, Emilys, Rachels and Claires than Robertas? Exactly, everyone. There’s about as much insight here as there is in Wayne Rooney… actually, that sentence stops there.
7. Self-Interest. One of the most boring things about the list itself is that none of my family are on it. I’m not on it – which confirms what I have always suspected, I’m a boy. My mum’s not on it. My fiancée isn’t on it. My aunts aren’t on it. My great aunts aren’t on it. Which has no impact on me at all. And I very much doubt it bothers you either.