Tag: Names

7 Reasons That The Top 100 Girls Names List 2010 Is Not The Least Bit Intriguing

Yesterday, Marc became fascinated with boys. Being a man of sound intellect, he left the girls to me. In fact, he practically urged me to look at girls. And, up until January 29th 2010, I wouldn’t have needed much convincing. Nor would there have been anyone to tell me off for doing so. Things are slightly different now though, which means I need to clarify that I am only looking at 100 differently named girls for your benefit. To be honest, I got no satisfaction from dong so. Here’s why:

1. Political Impact. There are four women in the Cabinet. (They’re probably looking for the gin). There’s Theresa of course. And a Cheryl. And a Caroline. And a Baroness Warsi – who also goes by the name Sayeeda. I have to report that having studied the statistics in detail, there isn’t a Theresa, Cheryl or Caroline anywhere in the top 100 names in 2010 or 2000. Nor is there a Baroness, Warsi or Sayeeda. Which only goes to prove, absolutely nothing.

2. The Unusual. The name Esme is by far and away the most ridiculous on the list, but she was hardly languishing in 2000. She was 171st then and last year made it to 71st. Wow. Now I don’t know any Esmes and nor, I fervently hope, do you. So I wondered if there was a not-very famous person responsible for the minor increased popularity of the name. It turns out there is. She’s called Esme Kamphuis and she’s a Dutch bobsledder who finished 12th in the 2008 Winter Olympics. People are naming their girls after a fairly average bobsledder. That’s riveting.

3. F1. The name Louise has dropped out of the top 100 since its position at number 80 in 2000. It is highly unlikely this is due to ITV’s loss of Formula One coverage in 2008. I very much doubt anyone would have named their daughter after Louise Goodman. BBC’s token F1 female reporter is Lee McKenzie. The name Lee doesn’t appear in the top 100 in 2000 and nor does it appear in the top 100 in 2010. Which only goes to show that for all the impact F1 makes it may as well go to Sky Sports.

4. Alexandra. A safe name; a solid name; a sensible name; a reliable name and some might say, a dull name. And that’s absolutely spot on. The facts tell us that the name Alexandra is just as boring as you (okay, Marc, mostly Marc) had previously supposed. From its year 2000 position of somewhere outside the top 100 it went on a rollercoaster ride in which it plunged to somewhere outside the top 100 in 2009 and then, in a monumental upswing of fortunes in 2010, scaled the list back to somewhere outside the top 100. Breathtaking it is not. Turns out that Alexandra is as dull as we thought it was. Making it the perfect name for my daughter.

5. Noah. I can state categorically that no girl has ever been named Noah. Not even when they played the lead role in the play with the animals and the arc. Fascinating stuff, huh?

6. Roberta. What the hell happened to Roberta? Well, nothing. It was never a good name in the first place and I am pleased to say it has continued in that vein ever since. Here are some names from last year that are considerably more popular than Roberta: Elizabeth, Lucy, Emily, Rachel and Claire. Who the hell knows more Elizabeths, Lucys, Emilys, Rachels and Claires than Robertas? Exactly, everyone. There’s about as much insight here as there is in Wayne Rooney… actually, that sentence stops there.

7. Self-Interest. One of the most boring things about the list itself is that none of my family are on it. I’m not on it – which confirms what I have always suspected, I’m a boy. My mum’s not on it. My fiancée isn’t on it. My aunts aren’t on it. My great aunts aren’t on it. Which has no impact on me at all. And I very much doubt it bothers you either.

July 29, 2011
7 Reasons That The Top 100 Boys Names List 2010 is Intriguing

The ONS list of the most popular baby names in the UK during 2010 has been published and there are some stunning results. We’re not going to look at the girls names (because they could be used for a second post), today we’re going to look at boys names. Here are seven reasons that the list is intriguing.

1. Political Impact. The name Cameron has steeply declined in popularity. In 2000 it was the 24th most popular boys name; in 2009 it had fallen steeply to number 52, and in 2010 it fell further to number 61. For the sake of political balance we’ll take a look the opposition too: Ed hasn’t been in charge for long enough to be of any use, so we’ll look at the name Gordon. Gordon is such a deeply unpopular man…sorry…name, we’re discussing names here, that it doesn’t appear on the list at all. Not in 2010, not in 2009 and not in 2000. It turns out that Gordon has always been deeply unpopular. Oh, and as for Nick, who cares? Nope, me either.

2. The Unusual. The name Kayden, which languished at number 1425 at the turn of the millennium (who knew that the word millennium had two Ns?) has rocketed up to number 99 on last year’s list. Now I don’t know any Kaydens and nor, I fervently hope, do you, so I wondered if there was a famous Kayden responsible for the increased popularity of the name. It turns out there is. She’s called Kayden Kross and she’s a porn actress who got into the business because she wanted to buy a pony. People are naming their boys after a porn star. A female porn star. That is weird. They would have been better off naming them after the pony.

3. F1. The name Jenson has risen in popularity over the last ten years from 273 up to 96. This can surely only be attributable to the popularity of Jenson Button. The name Lewis also appears at number 27 on the list. Okay, so it’s decreased in popularity a bit over the last ten years, but it’s still a very well-used name. As for the name Fernando, well that appears nowhere, which is how I like it. It goes to show that the British public do have some taste. Despite the weird porn thing.

4. Alexander: A safe name; a solid name; a sensible name; a reliable name and some might say, a dull name. But that just isn’t true. The facts tell us that the name Alexander is more exciting than you (okay, I, mostly I) had previously supposed. From its year 2000 position of number 21 it went on a rollercoaster ride in which it plunged to number 22 in 2009 and then, in a monumental upswing of fortunes in 2010, scaled the list back to number 21. Breathtaking. Turns out that Alexander isn’t as dull as we thought it was.

5. Noah. Over the past ten years, the name Noah has risen from number 134 on the list to number 18. I’m sure we all know a Noah*. But I’m not keen on this name at all. In fact, I firmly believe that the popularity of this name could be a consequence of society having become increasingly more noisy over the past ten years. After all, it’s easy to mishear a mumbled reply of cluelessness when near heavy traffic, a mobile phone or a laptop:

What shall we call him, darling?

Noah, dear.

That’s certainly more probable than everyone making the same feeble joke about a boy being born or conceived at a time of heavy rain, isn’t it? I hope so.

6. Robert. What the hell has happened to Robert? It’s at number 90! When I was at school it seems that approximately a third of all boys were called Robert but now it’s only the 90th most popular name in the UK. Here are some names from last year that are considerably more popular than the name Robert: Ethan, bloody Noah, Jayden (which is the correct spelling of Kayden), Riley, Logan, Tyler, Finley, Mason and Kai. Kai! Who the hell knows more Kais then they know Roberts, Robs, Robbys, Bobbys and Bobs? In 2010, Robert has plummeted so far in popularity that it’s lower on the list than Caleb. How many Calebs have you ever met? It turns out the only thing you can do to have a less popular name than Robert is to be called Gordon or be related to me.

7. Self-Interest. One of the most striking things about the list itself is that none of my immediate family are on it. I’m not on it. My son’s not on it. My wife isn’t on it (the girls version of the list, obviously). Fred and Rose make the lists – despite the exploits of the West family – but no one that shares my surname is on them. I can’t help but feel a little left out. Does this epic societal rejection make us the least popular family in the UK? Should we change our names by deed poll to sensible conventional names like Harley, Hayden, Jayden, Kayden or Kai? Are we going to be cast adrift in a lifeboat or exiled to the Isle of Wight? I suspect it’s going to mean that we’re just going to have to continue spelling our names out to people, but still, it would be nice to be loved.

*That’s a top clothing and accessories bit of wordplay especially for girls, right there.

July 28, 2011
7 Reasons That Seven Is Called Seven (probably)

Okay, people. You can’t have failed to have noticed that David and Victoria Beckham have had a daughter and that they’ve named her Harper Seven Beckham (unless you get your news from the News of the World, in which case time stopped yesterday). Now, we all understand why the Beckhams have named their daughter Harper; it’s because they’re aficionados that have been inspired by the American literary canon (and who amongst us wouldn’t rate Harper Lee’s To Kill A Mockingbird as a seminal work), but most people have been a bit nonplussed by their selection of the second-name Seven. As of yet, there’s been no official word on what the fuck they were thinking how they selected their newborn’s middle moniker so, in the best traditions of 7 Reasons (.org), we’re going to flail around and speculate wildly. Here are seven reasons that Seven is called Seven (probably).

1. They’re Big Fans! Well, we had no idea and frankly we’re a little overwhelmed and very flattered. You see, we have a number of American readers, though we know very little about them, we just know that we are read regularly in America. So, it’s possible that David and Victoria love our website and have named their daughter after us. After all, it’s easily possible that homesick Brits abroad would love to keep up with what’s going on at home and why wouldn’t the Beckhams want to know when one of the team gets stuck in a revolving door or the other one buys a new laundry bin? There’s no reason that they wouldn’t want to know that. None at all. Of course they’ve named their daughter after us.

2. Conception. The Beckhams are noted for naming their children for the place where they were conceived: Brooklyn was conceived in Brooklyn; Romeo was conceived in the back of an Alfa Romeo; Cruz was conceived on a cruise (spelling apparently isn’t their strong suit) and it’s easily possible that their latest child was conceived in hotel room number 7 somewhere, or (in a variation on the theme) at seven o’clock, or while watching Channel 7 (Australia). Or perhaps she was conceived near the River Severn. Whatever it is, it could be about the conception.

3. Dwarves. I know a bit about newborn babies – being the curator of one myself – and one of the most striking things about them is that they are tiny. Really, really little. Perhaps, as the Beckhams held their wee bundle in their arms, they looked at her and thought isn’t she small? Let’s call her Small. No, we can’t call her small, that would be silly. People will make fun. We’re going to have to take a more sophisticated approach than that. Let’s be clever. Let’s take the concept of small and be a little more oblique. What else is small? Dwarves! Let’s call her Sleepy! Or Dopey! No, we can’t call her that; it spoils a potential nickname. Let’s be a tad circumlocutory when we reference the dwarves. Got it! We’ll call her Seven.

4. Keeping Track. In the manner of farmers painting numbers on the sides of their cows (which is essentially a rural version of tagging perpetrated by ruddy-faced tweed-wearers in fields), it’s quite important to keep track of your herd. With the addition of Harper Seven Beckham, there will now be six members of the Beckham household. But thumbs are complex things, and when you’re counting to seven, it’s easy to make a mistake, right? After all, thumbs are only half the size of your fingers. Who wouldn’t find that confusing? Oh yes. Them.

5. Seinfeld. Okay, so maybe the Beckhams aren’t fans of our site: That would explain why the limited edition diamond encrusted version of our Blowers t-shirt remains unsold. But perhaps they are fans of Seinfeld. After all, George Costanza’s ideal name for a boy (or a girl) was Seven. Obviously, Jerry objected, but as he was the least funny thing in his own sitcom so it’s possible that the Beckhams ignored him. We have too. George is right.

6. Numerology. In 2011, the number seven is tremendously significant. We’ve done actual research and have discovered that, for numerologists, the number seven represents all manner of important stuff that we sort of skim-read. To our untrained eyes, it might appear somewhat similar to every other number and year, but to experts (and who’s to say that the latest celebrity craze isn’t Scientology or Kabbalah and that Posh and Becks aren’t, in fact, Grand High Poobahs of Numerology or Akelas or something ), it’s probably quite meaningful and important. And interesting. And had we looked at it closely, it might have seemed profound.

7. It’s Not The Worst Name They Could Think Of. I learned today of a worse baby name than Seven: also worse than Superman; and worse than Adolf. I discovered that a baby at my son’s baby group is called…Ian. That’s right, a baby called Ian. The boy Ian. Ian the baby. A name that’s only appropriate for a man in his 50s (or Ian Bell) has been given to tiny child. What sort of monster would name their child Ian? Never mind speculating about the name Seven, that’s a question we all need an answer to.

*The 7 Reasons team would like to congratulate the Beckhams on the occasion of the birth of their daughter, Harper Seven Beckham. Though we may have derived some humour from their choice of name (we are humourists, after all), we have nothing but admiration for their conduct as parents which, in an age where parenting skills often seem to be lacking amongst such a large section of the population, are an exemplary example to us all. Congratulations! But Seven? Really?

July 12, 2011
7 Reasons Prison Transforms People

A lot is said about the prison service. Especially here in the UK. Many people seem to think that being an inmate is an easy life. You have your own TVs and a free day pass. In some cases, you even have your own dogs. Well, bitches. And then, when you’ve done half the time for your crime, you’re released. To be honest, this was an opinion I also shared. That was until the other night when I saw an episode of Porridge. I am now of the opinion that prison does indeed do what it sets out to do. It transforms people. Here’s why:

1. Fitness. Prison is full of bullies. There isn’t a nice way to say this, so I’m going to be straight with you. If you’ve got moobs, you are going to be teased. What better incentive is there then to get you doing pull-ups off the bunk bed? Prison gives you guns.

2. Art. You know what really states that you are not to be messed with? Yep, a tattoo. Not of a dolphin on your ankle, but a snake wrapped around your whole body. Probably accompanied by a skull. And a Millwall FC logo. Prison develops the culture vulture in you.

3. Crimes. Prison is all about reputation. The axe murderers aren’t going to look too impressed if you turn up and announce you’re inside for serial parking ticket evasion. That’s why, if you’ve still got them, you should use your scruples. You have to transform yourself into a different person. And that means exaggerating your crime. Yes, you are a serial parking ticket evader, but the only reason you evade them is because you stole the cars in the first place then reduced the number of traffic wardens on patrol. Prison teaches you to sell yourself.

4. Names. You can’t go to prison and call yourself Marc Fearns. Fearns? You’ll get a reputation as a right nancy boy. You can’t even call yourself ‘The Fearns’, ‘Fearnsy’ or ‘Fearnso’. So you have to be inventive. And call yourself ‘Terror’. Not because you are a little terror, but because it is short for ‘territory’. Which comes from the calling card you leave where you would usually place the parking ticket. The one that says, ‘Marc-ing My Territory’. Prison inspires creativity.

5. Goldilocks. Everyone has told you that long, curly, greasy, ginger hair is not the look, yet the impending prospect of a jail term is the only medium that will make you do something about it. You don’t want people seeing your mane as something to hang on to. Prison cures perms. And dandruff.

6. Gravel. Joe Pasquale wouldn’t last five minutes in prison. That’s not because his jokes aren’t funny, it’s because he sounds like a girl. You really don’t want a reputation as someone whose balls have yet to drop. Unless you’re a woman. That’s why you need to put on a deep, East End accent. Use Ray Winstone as your benchmark. Prison makes you a man.

7. Posture. At home you may readily bend down to pick up the soap. I have heard from some sources that this is not the thing to do in the prison showers. Something about getting slapped on the backside by a wet towel. As such, in prison, you should remain upright at all times. Prison transforms you into an upstanding member of society.

June 7, 2011
7 Reasons Product Names Are Important

A little bit of schoolboy humour for you today. It’s crass, it’s not very clever, but it’s easy. And you might just find it some light relief after yesterday’s telling-off. You may well have heard the story of Chevrolet’s Chevy Nova. The car that didn’t sell because the word ‘nova’ roughly translates as ‘doesn’t go’. Well, today we look at seven other products whose names just don’t seem appropriate. Basically, every thing’s to do with sex.

1. The Antidote To Viagra.2. Australians Should Know.

3. Pocket Games.

4. The Japanese Like Hairy Knees.

5. No Flicking Straight To The End.

6. Oral Stimulation.

7. Girl Repellent.

May 27, 2011
7 Reasons We Will Not Publish Your Guest Post

This is not your usual midweek post. It’s more the kind of topic you would expect to read on Russian Roulette Sunday. Unfortunately, we just can’t wait until Sunday. This needs to be addressed right now. Before something really bad happens.

We don’t like to brag, but we get a lot of guest post enquiries. So much so that neither of us have had to make up an imaginary US-based doctor who likes paragliding for a long time now. The enquiries we receive generally tell us a lot about a person. And they tell us a lot about what we might see in a submission. For the last eighteen months we have made it our duty to respond to every single enquiry. Sometimes about two weeks late, but we do respond. The time has now come that this must end. Replying to enquiries such as the one below is a complete waste of time. A bad enquiry will almost always lead to a bad submission.

The following email has been received a number of times, from a number of different people. It’s a template. Templates are bad. If you want to write for 7 Reasons, never ever use a template. Here’s why:

Dear Editor of “7reasons.org“

1. Greeting. We’re not so wrapped up in self-love that we expect every single guest post enquiry to come from a regular 7 Reasons reader. As such we don’t expect the author to know the trials and tribulations of our lives – that we so aptly share on a daily basis. We would have thought, however, that if you were really keen to write for 7 Reasons, you’d at least have done a bit of research. Just maybe to find out who to address an email to. It’s really not that hard. We have a useful ‘About Us’ page and a very helpful ‘Contact Us’ page. Even if all you do is read the ‘Write For Us’ page, logic would surely dictate that writing Dear The Team sounds so much better than Dear Editor of 7Reasons.org. We’re not feeling the love with that.

I enjoyed 7reasons.org and found it very interesting. The language used here is very easy to understand and in good language.

2. Charm Offensive Fail. This is patronising and doesn’t make sense. “The language used here is very easy to understand,” because we can write in sentences you mean? And what does, “in good language” mean? If you’d written, “in a good language” then at least we’d have known you rate English above French, but just to say, “in good language” is completely bemusing. Not even Marc’s enigma machine could decipher it.

So I was wondering if you would be posting more articles on Contact Lenses(including brands & types etc.) if so then I would like to be considered as guest writer for your site. I would love to write on Contact Lenses for about 350 to 400 words.

3. We’re A Website. This is good, referencing previous posts makes us think you might just know what we’re about. But then you go and spoil it by suggesting you want to write “on contact lenses”. What sort of pen writes on a contact lens? Given that you’ll probably be able to fit a maximum of one word onto a contact lens, that’s a minimum of 350 to 400 contact lenses too. And one other thing. We’re a bloody website. Do we look like we accept submissions written on eyewear?

The article will be exclusively written for your site and will be unique. And will not be published anywhere else.

4. Doubtful. That’s nice. Unfortunately, we’re not sure whether we believe you. The enquiry template you have used is far from unique. How do we know you haven’t got a 7 Reasons template?

Thus resulting in majority of bangs to your site.

5. Bangs! Excuse me? Between us we have over twenty years of experience using the internet. And we are pretty adept at it. We know about the front and back ends and we know that in worldwide web parlance a cookie is not something you can eat. What we have never come across though is the term ‘bangs’. We assume it means ‘hits’. But even then why are we only getting the majority? Where are the minority going?

In return I would only accept an in link to my webpage.

6. Demands. That’s a shame because we were going to offer you an elephant on a unicycle. We suspect you mean you’d like a link to your site somewhere in the post, but again, to get on 7 Reasons, it helps if you can write.

Please let me know if you would be interested in allowing us to write a post for 7reasons.org.

7. Snarky. Are we interested in giving you permission to write for us? The whole ‘Write For Us’ page really indicates that you have permission to do that. It also, for those in doubt, indicates that we are interested in receiving guest posts. Perhaps our ‘Write For Us’ page isn’t clear enough for you? Or perhaps you’re just a plank? The thing is, we know what you mean here, but you’ve irritated us so much in the rest of your email that now we are just in the mood to be awkward. Don’t give us the excuse next time.

So, in conclusion, if you wish to write for 7 Reasons do your research and make sure you can write. We won’t tell you again.

May 26, 2011
7 Reasons It’s Not My Fault I Thought He Was A Woman

Today is World Tourism Day and as I couldn’t think of one single reason as to why we should celebrate it, I decided to write about men who I once thought were women instead. So here are 7 men, who to me, were once women. Enjoy.

Josephine Rebecca Rachel Tolkien

1. J.R.R.Tolkien. I have absolutely no idea why I thought Tolkien was a woman. Maybe it was the slightly effeminate font on my copy of The Fellowship Of The Ring or maybe it was something in the tone of voice on the first page. (I don’t think I actually got to page two). Either way, for a good few months I thought John Ronald Reuel Tolkien was in fact Josephine Rebecca Rachel Tolkien. Sorry about that John.

2. Leslie Neilsen. Oh come on. Anyone could make this mistake. Admittedly it may have taken them slightly less than five viewings of Naked Gun to realise that the person who they initially thought was Leslie Nielsen was actually Priscilla Presley, but hey, we all make mistakes.

3. John Denver. How the hell did I think John Denver was a woman? Probably because I thought he was called Joan Denver.

4. Neil Sedaka. I didn’t know the name at the time, I had just heard the song. Laughter In The Rain probably. And, well, he just sounds like a girl doesn’t he?

5. Lily Savage. Yes, seriously. For a good ten minutes, I actually thought Paul O’Grady’s alter-ego – the one who looked like a man and spoke like a man, but wore a dress, heels and wig – was a woman. I was naive. I didn’t know cross-dressers – or as I prefer to call them, perverts – existed. I clearly lived a sheltered childhood. In a house where Lily Savage was on the TV.

6. Ashley Smith. If this name is not familiar to you, then good. One day, in circa 1996, my friend Tom came into school and told a select group of us that he had kissed someone called Ashley the night before. Being the lads we were we ‘high-fived’ and congratulated him on his conquest. As a spotty 13 year-old at the time, I was outwardly happy for him. Inside though, I was full of jealousy. I had never kissed a girl – not properly anyway. I wanted a go. (Frustratingly, I would have to wait another four years for that particular delight to occur. And even then, I am not entirely sure she knew much about it). But anyway, I digress. We were very happy for Tom and he seemed very happy for himself. Then Tom went ten-pin bowling. And he invited a few of his friends along too. Including me. And Ashley. And that was when I realised Tom was gay.

7. The Stylistics. Okay, so this is more a group, than a singular person, but the theme still remains. I still thought they were women. And you can’t blame me. I’ve tried many an implement in many a painful place to try and get my voice that high. Cricket bats, clothes pegs, garden rakes, soldering irons (not on purpose), next door’s cat. You name it, I’ve tried it. But to no avail. I just can’t sound like The Stylistics.

September 27, 2010
Guest Post: 7 Reasons To Shop At Ikea

Another Saturday comes by and with it another chance for Marc and I to get up from the sofa and stretch our legs. I am stretching them quite far today. From Fulham to some place in Kent. I’m moving you understand. But that’s enough about me, let’s focus on the issue in hand. Today’s 7 Reasons piece comes from regular 7 Reasons contributor, Simon Best. Who, when he’s not writing for us – or shopping in Ikea – can be found writing on twitter. He also does some other things that no one quite understands.

1. Names. Everything they sell at Ikea from the largest kitchen unit to the smallest tealight has a name, the vast majority with a Scandinavian touch, some with more imagination than others: the ‘Dimma’ lamp, the ‘Pyra’ wok, the ‘Slitbar’ knife. I doubt that ‘Slitbar’ is actually the Swedish for knife but it is not beyond the realms of possibility. The names are also the answer to parents who don’t want to name their offspring Apple or Chardonnay – Knubbig, Gnistra and Ivar offer perfect alternatives – it’s only fair after Ikea stole the name ‘Billy’ for their best selling item – it is now more widely associated with a bookcase than a boy.

2. Showrooms. Much of the space in Ikea is taken up with showrooms displaying Ikea furniture in various combinations: kitchens, bedrooms, offices, living rooms. They’re often given a lived in look which reassures you that it is not just you that left your bed unmade and a pile of washing up in the sink. They also show you how the furniture you buy will never look in your house, after all if they lose bolt E or joint B then there is a shop full of them, then there is a shop full of them.

3. Pencils. Everywhere you look in Ikea there are little wooden pencils. They’re handy for writing down measurements or noting down the location of things you want to buy. They’re also perfect for sticking behind your ear which is essential for making you look as if you are competent at DIY. The reality is that most men walking round Ikea with a pencil behind their ear are there because their wives have sent them out of the house while a professional comes round to fix the damage that they did the previous weekend with their drill. The preponderance of pencils in Ikea is mirrored by one in my house. I don’t buy pencils any more, I just go to Ikea, stick one behind each ear and forget they are there until I get home.

4. Lack of piped music. One of the things I hate about going shopping is the musak that pervades high street stores and shopping malls. When I go to the supermarket I don’t want to listen to THIS [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oofSnsGkops] I want to listen to Test Match Special so that I can hear England slump from a respectable 70 for none (by the cheese counter) to a disastrous 104 for 5 (while I’m deciding whether to buy Braeburns or Granny Smiths). Ikea has no music, which is a relief because I don’t think the world could cope with a cover of Waterloo or Super-Trouper played on Guatemalan panpipes.

5. A masterclass in bad parenting. Most of the people shopping in Ikea are families. People go at the weekend and take their children. Now Ikea stores are big but they’re not a park or an adventure playground.Children spend most of their week in pre-fab buildings with bright furniture and at the weekend they should be outside playing football or building treehouses or riding their choppers (oh, sorry I forget it wasn’t 1985 anymore). When children are taken to ikea they get bored – which is understandable as the only interest they have in furniture is its capacity to be adapted to a pirate ship or be used to shut their younger sister in. As a result parents get angry and shout. Go to Ikea on a weekend and you will observe a masterclass in bad parenting.

6. Trolleys. When you enter Ikea you’ll see normal shopping trolleys by the door. My advice is to leave them where they are. When you get to the warehouse where all the furniture is stacked you’ll find much more exciting flat-bed trolleys. While you are looking for Aisle 4 Section 17 to pick up your table they make excellent scooters – that is until you collide with a large woman carrying four pot plants and a selection of candles. You might even find the bored children following your example. Something that their parents will doubtless thank you for.

7. Meatballs. Quite possibly the best thing about Ikea is the restaurant – and specifically the meatballs with lingonberries Where else can you find delicious international cuisine for astoundingly good value. People go to Ikea at dinner time just to have some meatballs with the furniture being a side attraction.* You can even take some meatballs home with you to microwave which is a good thing as there is no way you’re going to have that kitchen unit assembled and be able to cook dinner in the space of a day.

June 19, 2010
7 Reasons It’ll Be Great Under David & Nick

Yesterday I watched David and Nick in the garden. I don’t know about you, but I kind of liked it. I felt a sense of profound optimism. Maybe it’s me. Maybe I am deluded. Maybe my sense of profound optimism combined with my natural optimism has made me go completely loopy, but I think it might just work. I think it might just be great under Dave and Nick. And here’s why:

1. It’s In The Names. The meaning of David is beloved. The meaning of Nick is victory of the people. That sounds good to me. Incidentally the meaning of Gordon is large fortification. Which probably explains why it took so bloody long to get rid of him.

2. It’s In The Colours. Anyone who went to school and paid attention when they accidentally knocked over the blue and yellow paint bottles, will know that, when combined, they make green*. You know what this means. The environment. David and Nick are going to save us from Global Warming. Caroline Lucas must be furious.

3. It’s In The Hands. As luck would have it, David and Nick seem to favour opposite hands. As the above shows, David likes his right and Nick likes his left. This means of course that they have two spare hands that meet in centre ground. Genius.

4. It’s In The Hair. It may be May, but that means sod all in this country. The weather is still unpredictable/predictably rubbish. As I have pointed out, yesterday David and Nick were in the garden. The sun was out but it was chilly and a tad windy. Miraculously though, for forty minutes, their hair acted superbly. Not once did either of them so much as touch their coiffures. It was the kind of strong, stable hair that this country so badly needs.

5. It’s In The Wives. Neither Samantha or Miriam – that’s Mrs Cameron and Mrs Clegg if you are not on first name terms yet – seem particularly keen on the limelight. Which is good. Because they have a job to do. Run our country. Don’t be fooled, David and Nick don’t really know what they’re doing. And they are married men. Their wives tell them what to do. So for the next five years Great Britain will be run by a creative director and a Spanish lawyer. Mandelson and Campbell, eat your hearts out.

6. It’s In The Looks. It’s quite useful that they are called the cabinet because that is what most of them look like. And so they should. It’s brains you need in politics, not beauty. The last thing we need is for Theresa May to be distracted by a six figure sum to pose naked for Playboy or for Ken Clarke to get his braces off for the centre-fold of Cosmopolitan. Thankfully – for all our sakes – that isn’t going to happen. It’s going to be all work and no play for David and Nick’s boys. And girl.

7. It’s In The Logos. No one in the world has picked up on this yet. But that is why I am me and the rest of you do interesting things with your time. The Conservative logo is a tree. The Liberal Democrat logo is a bird. Birds like trees. It’s where they live. You couldn’t make this stuff up. If this coalition was destined to fail the Liberal Democrat logo would have been an axe. But it’s not. It’s a bird. And David has let it into his foliage. Bravo.

*Yes, if it is pure blue and pure yellow it would turn black, but that’s the point. It’s a coalition. All purity has been thrown out of the window.

NB: I might not believe all of the above nonsense.

May 13, 2010
7 Reasons You Know He Was A Cub Scout

1. Good with targets. This harbours back to the days when he was obsessed with achieving. He was obsessed with achieving because in the Cub Scouts you were rewarded heavily. With badges. Anyone who is rewarded with badges at a young age is going to be programmed into thinking they will always be rewarded with badges. So they keep trying. And he probably likes achieving things three times over doesn’t he? That’s because you could get sports badges one, two and three. Not to mention cooking badges one, two and three. And even badge collecting badges one, two and three.

2. Good with names. Not only is he good at remembering names he is also amazingly talented when it comes to not laughing at funny names. This is because he often had to use the phrase, ‘Excuse me Akela, Baloo said you would help me with my woggle’. If you are not going to laugh at that you are not going to laugh at anything. (What was it with the Jungle Book names anyway?)

3. Good with knots. If his best moves in the bedroom are tying you up to the headboard then you can be assured that not only was he a Cub Scout, but that he also probably achieved the station of Sixer. To be absolutely sure of this ask him to explain what he’s doing. In 98% of cases he’ll explain that a Windsor Knot is the safest kind to tie you down with, it’s strong but easy to undo and is the preferred knot of the Queen. At this point he will rise and salute.

4. Good with navigation. He knows where to go. Whether it’s the middle of the night or the middle of the day he’ll be looking skyward and checking out the stars or the sun. Don’t suggest he uses his A-Z instead. That is a typical female thing to say and you are so much better than that. He’ll also be in a bad mood all day as you have just questioned his manhood. Don’t question his manhood either.

5. Good outdoors. Whether it is pitching a tent or making a fire, he’ll be good at it. You had to be as a Cub Scout. If you weren’t you died. And as he is alive you can assume he’s only dead on the instead. He doesn’t do emotion you see. Oh, he’s probably also very good at Morris Dancing. As a Cub Scout he was always grabbed by the Morris Dancers on weekend camping trips and made to skip around waving handkerchieves and jangling bells. It makes him sick. So don’t ask him to do it. He is all man.

6. Good with his hands. That’s good at cleaning them. And polishing his shoes. He does that with his hands too. And a cloth and brush and polish and stuff. In the Cub Scouts you lost vital points if you had dirty hands and unshiny shoes. He can’t quite remember why the points were so vital, but it probably had something to do with getting a badge for points accumulation. Next time he cleans your hands for you, give him a badge.

7. Good with stamps. A bit like when you interrupt him while he is watching England play rugby by asking bloody stupid questions like, “Ooh this looks a bit rough. Why did that man just grab that man and throw him to the ground?”, he’ll interrupt you while you’re writing a letter and tell you that the Penny Black is the oldest adhesive stamp and was issued on 1st May, 1840. He’ll also add that back then you had to lick them yourself and that tongue cuts were rife. You’ll want to slap him.

November 24, 2009