7 Reasons

Tag: licking

  • Guest Post: 7 Reasons Why You Should Never Lick A Door Handle

    Guest Post: 7 Reasons Why You Should Never Lick A Door Handle

    Remember Ewan MacDougal of Furniture Fortress and Window Blinds as Christmas Presents fame? Well he’s back. And this time he’s not alone. Joining him on the 7 Reasons sofa is article co-author Nicola Winters. Oh, and a lot of Japanese girls with their tongues attached to door handles. We’ll leave Ewan and Nicola to explain why.

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    There are many trends, fashions and fads that come and go (most are completely alien to me) but yet they get the whole world talking. Some trends catch on, some don’t and some simply shouldn’t! You can often predict the next big trend by looking at Japanese culture. For a long time the Japanese have been number one for innovation, number one for technology and most defiantly number one for alternative fashion. However, there is a new phenomenon sweeping Japan that I certainly hope is not a sign of things to come at home. The bizzare new fetish where girls are licking door handles! Usually I’m all for diversifying culture, but this is one innovation that I really hope does not catch on at home. Call me a hygiene freak if you must, but I certainly don’t want to find myself trapped in a room, too scared to open the door for fear that it’s been coated with some one else’s saliva. So, in an attempt to prevent this trend spreading, here are seven reasons why you should just say no to licking door knobs.

    7 Reasons Why You Should Never Lick A Door Handle

    1.  Door Handles Aren’t Always That Clean. A handle is not just an interior design accessory; their primary purpose is to be functional tools, used to open and close doors for anyone (and everyone) who wish to enter or exit. The average handle must have been touched by countless people, all with different standards of personal hygiene. In almost no time at all germs will have gathered. Do you really want to be licking these germs? What if someone else has licked this handle before you? How many germs will it be home to then? I have a really ugly friend who has glandular fever and loves Japanese trends, what if he’s licked the handle first?

    2.  It’s Just Plain Weird! How many times have you previously found yourself licking door handles? How many times have you been out and about, shopping, picking the kids up from school or walking the dog and got the urge to lick a door handle? What was that? Never? No of course you haven’t. Do you want to know why? Because it’s weird! If you had previously witnessed this type of behaviour on a street near you then you’d be the first person to call the psychiatric specialist and get them off the streets immediately! So don’t think that just because the “cool” Japanese people have started doing it, it’s suddenly stopped being weird. Because it hasn’t!

    3.  There’s Better Things To Lick. Seriously, door handles? For hundreds of years confectionery professionals have strived long and hard to manufacturer tasty, sweet, juicy and mouth-watering treats to suck on. Surely these hours have not been wasted? Surely in all this time they must have developed at least one thing you would prefer to lick than a door handle.

    4.  You Could Strain Your Back. Maybe this is a sign that I’m getting old, but surely you’d agree the act of actually bending down to participate in door knob licking is a strenuous process in itself. The risk of pulling, straining or (in more serious cases) breaking the back has to be pretty high. Even if you are just a casual licker it only takes one bad kneeling position and you could ruin your licking-things career for ever. Do you really want a door handle to be the last thing you lick? If you’re going to take the risk, there must be other things out there better licked.

    5.  You’ll Restrict Others Access. Don’t be selfish. Whilst you are indulging in a little handle love from one side of the door, there could be an extremely important person on the other side. An extremely important person trying to get to an extremely important meeting. If they have to wait until you’re done satisfying yourself, think of all the important things they could miss. Think what this could mean for the world! What if they were a diplomat that had finally come up with a plan that could lead to world peace and they missed the world peace summit because of you? Do you want that on your conscience?

    6.  You Could Get A Bump On The Head. What if said important person didn’t wait? What if their important thing was so important they just had to push through? Getting hit in the head with a door, whilst its handle is in your mouth, with your tongue wrapped around it, does not sound like a pleasant experience.

    7.  You Could Be A Fire Hazard. When I was a child, my Japanese mother was tragically killed in a fire when she could not leave a burning building because someone was taking too long to finish licking the door handle of the fire exit. It was extremely sad and left me and my six siblings homeless and living on the streets only able to survive by selling our organs on the black market. It was an horrific existence and it was all because of door handle licking.*

    So, take a moment before jumping on this bandwagon. Stop before resorting to this crazy behaviour simply to ‘fit in’. Think about this logically and ask yourself, “Do I really need to lick this door handle?” The answer, surprisingly, will almost always be ‘NO’.

    *Reason 7 is entirely a lie, but I was hoping for the sympathy vote.

  • Guest Post: 7 Reasons I am Better Than You

    Guest Post: 7 Reasons I am Better Than You

    Hi there, it’s Saturday, so here’s a guest post.  Curling up on the 7 Reasons sofa today is Horatio Pyewackett Caractacus Fearns who – when he wakes up – wants to explain why he’s better than you.  And us, probably.

    My cat in the garden. He's better than your cat.

    1.  Fur.  Ever tried to wear fur?  No, of course you haven’t you timorous numpty, you timid wretch, you cowardy, cowardy custard.  Because you’re fearful.  You’re afraid of PETA.  You think that if you don a fur coat you’ll be attacked by a mob of militant lefties who object to your sartorial decisions.  But I’m not scared, PETA aren’t going to object to me wearing fur, because I’m better than you; wearing fur is my birthright, and I wear it as if to the manor born, without fear of reproachment.  Because I’m awesome! Because I’m a cat!

    2.  Benevolence.  I’m kind to my minions.  Very kind.  And I’m uber-agile, in fact, I can bend over backwards and lick my own bottom.  But you can’t.  You have to scrape bits from trees and roll them up into a ball in order to clean your own fetid arses.  This is because you’re pathetic and incapable of washing yourself properly.  But I’m not, I’m wondrous and supple and can cleanse my own ring with my tongue.  Which, let’s face it, saves you a job, so I’m benevolent too.

    3.  Competition.  So who’s the most awesome human that there is?  That’s right, Superman.  He can leap twenty times his own height; he can hear things that are going on miles away and he can’t be snuck up on while he’s sleeping.  Well, me too.  Superman, however, can be defeated by kryptonite.  But I can’t, I can do all of those things with no fear of kryptonite or of looking like a dweeb at the fortress of solitude.  Because I’m magnificent, and because I’m still rocking my fur coat while Superman’s attired in a thin, shiny number with his pants outside outside his lycra leggings.  He looks like the world’s worst-dressed cyclist ever, and I just look amazing.  Look at ME!

    4.  Night.  You blundering dunderheads can’t even see in the dark.  Want to know how many times I’ve fallen over a human when the lights are off?  None.  When oversized, underbalanced simpletons like you wander around without burning electricity, however, you’re endlessly falling over me (especially the tall one with the ginger beard).   Because I’m abso-fucking-beauteously wonderful, and because I like to hang around in the hallway.  To mock you.  Because I can.

    5.  Temperature.  You mewling, simpering feckless nonentities can’t even regulate your own body temperatures, but I can; I’m the master of my own temperature.   The nearest you feeble people come to accomplishing that is the human inhabitants of the North-East of England:  Geordies.  But they lack my sonorous voice and natural grace.  Also, despite their bravura, many of them die of hypothermia on their way home in the winter.  But I haven’t.  Ever.  It would be a waste of one of my nine lives (eight better than you) if I were to do so, and I’m not prepared to do it.

    6.  Size Is Important.  Just look at the size of yourself, you lumbering bioped.  Look at the amount of space that your unwieldy, bloated, overstuffed body takes up.  Where human designers prattle on about space efficiency as some sort of ideal, I live it.  I am space efficiency.  Because I take up less space than you.  I can curl up into a tiny-weeny ball.  Can you?  No.  Not at all.  But I can.  I’m fantastic.

    7.  Nature. I’m just naturally better than you.  I am.  When you poo, does anyone scurry around to scoop it up?  No, of course not.  You have to dispose of it yourself.  But when I shit, one of my underlings comes and disposes of it for me.  Every time.  Because I’m a cat, and they’re not.  In fact, everything revolves around me, abso-fucking-lutely-everything.  Dinner is served at the regular hour at which I require it.  Tradesmen come to repair the home in which I dwell and the humans who live here to serve me pay for it themselves.  And, when they’re not feeding me or opening doors for me, they even let me use them as chairs.  Would they do that for you?  No, of course not.  But they do it for me, because I’m better than you.