7 Reasons

Tag: Kick-Ass

  • 7 Reasons To Love The Statesman!

    7 Reasons To Love The Statesman!

    Apart from waking up to the news that it is both International Women’s Day and Pancake Day, you may have also heard that 28,000 Police jobs are – in all likelihood – going to be cut. If your reaction to this news is one of fear, you need not worry. A new crime fighting force is out there. The UK’s answer to Kick-Ass is a real-life superhero. Let me introduce you to… The Statesman!

    The Statesman - A UK Superhero

    This powerhouse of a man is out there, right now – in Birmingham – protecting us. Protecting us all. Do we need 7 Reasons to love him? Of course we don’t. Are we going to give you 7 Reasons anyway? Well, obviously. Here they are:

    1.  Costume. The last person to try and spread a little love by wearing a Union Jack outfit was Geri Halliwell. The Statesman, though, has the eye mask to go with it. Which in my opinion makes all the difference. Everyone likes a superhero who can effectively combine fierce loyalty to his country with a bit of camp mystery.

    2.  Utility Belt. Savlon? Check. Plasters? Check. Maglite? Check. Swiss Army Knife from that Christmas cracker? Check. Let’s be honest, Superman was great, but he never took a strip of Elastoplast with him. The Statesman does. And a tube of Berocca to help the inebriated among us.

    3.  Moustache. The last time I saw something like this it was Movember 2009 and I was looking in the mirror. I scared people that month. Which only leads me to believe that The Statesman must scare baddies 24/7/365. Awesome man, just awesome!

    4.  Persuasive. Until the identity of The Statesman was splashed all over The Sun, his girlfriend thought he was off playing poker every night. Whether she ever questioned his choice of attire is, at present, unknown, but I suspect she did. I can only conclude therefore that The Statesman is a very persuasive chap. And let’s be clear about this, when you are faced with two bad men, each with a crowbar, the best way of unarming them is the mighty skill of persuasion.

    5.  Allies. That’s right, he has friends. Possibly in high places. Possibly in phone boxes. Possibly in the back of the Satesmobile. It doesn’t really matter where they are, the fact is they are out there. Fighting. Fighting for us. So go out, wear your bling, leave your car doors open, nothing bad will ever happen.

    6.  Weapons. There’s no gun, taser or baton sticking out of The Statesman’s trousers. He is unarmed. Well, except for his quick wit and boxing mitts. Given that gangs have ready access to a variety of kitchen utensil you have to applaud The Statesman’s ‘no violence’ approach. If only wars were fought in such a way.

    7.  Heart. Many superheroes are pre-occupied with fighting, not The Statesman though. If there is no crime to be fought, he’ll happily help the drunk across the road or give a blanket to a homeless person. A clever villain would probably try and use such a scenario as a diversion tactic, but I just have a sneaking suspicion that The Statesman will be ready for such an eventuality. He’s a superhero after all.

  • 7 Reasons That Looking Like A Horse Shouldn’t Be A Barrier To Success

    7 Reasons That Looking Like A Horse Shouldn’t Be A Barrier To Success

    Do you look like a horse?  Some people do (most horses do too, but we’re not anticipating that many of them will be reading this).  There’s no reason that it should be a barrier to a successful or fulfilled life though, as these horse-faced people demonstrate.

    Comedian Jerry Seinfeld looks like a horse. Horse face. Horse-face. Horse expression.

    1.  Jerry Seinfeld looks like a horse.  This hasn’t held his career back though.  His eponymous sit-com is the most successful comedy show of all time.  Jerry Seinfeld made a fortune from it, and he was the least funny thing in it, being upstaged by all of the other cast members.  Perhaps his success – relative to that of the other cast members – is because people’s expectations are lower when it comes to performing horses.  After all, if a horse multiplies 6 x 7 using its foot, we marvel at it.  If a person does it, we cross the road and hope they haven’t spotted us.  Forty-two, by the way, in case you were wondering.

    A montage of Sarah Jessica Parker looking like horses. Horse face. Horse-face.

    2.  Sarah Jessica Parker looks like a horse.  All horses, in fact.  Yet she’s been phenomenally successful as Carrie from Sex and the City.  This is despite: 1) Looking like a horse: 2) Being completely divisive in her appeal.  The Sarah Jessica Parker Paradox is this:  Most women find Sarah Jessica Parker attractive, yet no man finds Sarah Jessica Parker attractive.  She’s not desirable to men in the least.   Women, however, can’t understand her lack of appeal to men and never believe that men don’t find her attractive.  If you’re a woman, you probably don’t believe it right now, so we should test this notion.  Women, you have my permission to leave your computer for a moment and go and ask the nearest man if he finds SJP attractive (don’t get distracted by something and forget to come back).  Back now?  Good.  See, I told you.  There may be an explanation for this phenomenon.

    When they’re growing up, what do most girls want?  A pony.  What do most boys want?  Not a pony.  This is why women find SJP so attractive.  Somewhere, in a subconscious throwback to their girlhood, women still want a pony, and find themselves inexorably drawn to Sarah Jessica Parker.  Men, who spent their boyhood not wanting a pony, do not.  What men want is one of the other lead characters from Sex and the City, or a combination of all three of them.  Perhaps in a haystack, or a corner-bath.

    John Kerry pictured wearing a red tie in front of the Stars and Stripes (US / USA flag) with pink lips / pink lipstick ?

    3.  John Kerry looks like a horse.  Despite this, he was a highly-decorated military officer and a high-profile member of the anti-Vietnam-war movement.  Okay, so George W. Bush retained the presidency when Kerry fought him in the 2004 election, but being defeated by Bush is no measure of failure.  After all, George W. Bush attained the presidency in the 2000 election – an election which Al Gore won.

    The Princess Royal (Princess Anne) on the front cover of Horse and (&) Hound magazine with a horse
    The Princess Royal & Hound

    4.  The Princess Royal looks like a horse.  Despite this, she’s been the greatest Princess Royal of all time.  We’re not entirely sure what Princess Royals do, other than looking equine and telling the hoi-polloi to “naff off”, but she’s very successful at it.

    Nicolas Cage (Nicholas Cage) looks like a horse

    5.  Nicholas Cage looks like a horse.  He looks more like a horse with every passing year.  From his early days, acting terrifically in a series of brilliant and often quirky films, to his later career, acting badly in a series of vacuous and often inane films, he has grown steadily more equine.  To be fair to him, in his latest film, Kick-Ass, he was brilliant; he plays a horse with a false moustache.  He was also in the film Honeymoon In Vegas with Sarah Jessica Parker.  They may have been in Sea Biscuit together too.

    Alan Shearer, pictured holding a white horse at St. James' Park, the home of Newcastle United Football Club (FC)

    6.  Ruud Van Nistelrooy looks like a horse.  Like all Dutch people, he’s quite tall (he’s 18.3 hands high) and he’s used that height to great effect, his aerial prowess has helped him earn a fortune from football and become the second highest scorer in Champions League history.  Here he is pictured with his great rival Alan Shearer.

    Camilla, Duchess of Cornwall, formerly Camilla Parker Bowles and a smiling white horse with prominent teeth
    Camilla Parker Bowles (right) and horse.

    7. Camilla, Duchess of Cornwall, looks like a horse.  This didn’t stop her displacing one of the world’s most celebrated beauties in the affections of the heir to the throne though.  Perhaps Prince Charles is the exception that proves the Sarah Jessica Parker Paradox?

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    *Thanks to sarahjessicaparkerlookslikeahorse.com for the SJP pictures.