Tag: kevin costner

7 Reasons Everyone And Everything Should Have Auto-Tune

You don’t have to be interested in the X-Factor to know about autotunegate or whatever it is called. I am the living proof of that. To be honest, I don’t know what all the fuss is about. Auto-tune is good. It makes things bearable. Just think how good life would be if everything and everyone had auto-tune.

1. Annoying Voices. No more high-pitched Joe Pasquale shrieking. No more Andy Murray monotones. No more confusing regional accents. No more chavs. Just a straightforward English accent that everyone can understand.

2. The Monarchy. They are bit like marmite. You either love them or you hate them. Or you are indifferent to them – as I suspect at least 90% of the world’s population is to marmite. I have long thought that the hate for the Monarchy is borne out of their accents. They are well-spoken. Which immediately alienates anyone who pronounces ‘Good Morning’ as ‘Alright fella’. If a member of the Monarchy had auto-tune they would be able to walk into The Tattooed Arms, order a bevy and become darts team captain before the end of the night. ‘Bonnie’ Prince Charlie then really could become the people’s King.

3. Movie Accents. My top three awful movie accents in ascending order. Kevin Costner in Robin Hood. Mickey Rooney in Breakfast At Tiffany’s. Dick Van Dyke in Mary Poppins. Horrendous. The lot of them. And no, Dick Van Dyke’s cockney does not fall into the category of, ‘so bad it’s quite charming’. It’s not charming. It’s mute-button inducing. And it will always haunt me. Everytime I look at a chimney.

4. Polystyrene. Arrrrrggggggggghhhhhhh! Which git invented a material that not only feels like…erm…polystyrene, but also sounds like Alan Carr on helium when rubbed?*

5. Nails On A Chalkboard. Arrrrrggggggggghhhhhhh! (Again). Auto-tune would turn this into the Intermezzo from ‘Cavalleria Rusticana. Or the theme tune to Postman Pat. Anything really. Just not nails on a chalkboard. Or polystyrene. Or Joe Pasquale. Or Dick Van Dyke. Or Aqua’s Barbie Girl.

6. The French. It’s not the fact that I don’t like them, it’s the fact that whatever is said in a French accent sounds sexy. At no point should, ‘I take the cat and I put it in the bin,’ sound at all sexy. Yet, said with Frenchness, it does. Have a go. (Insert you speaking in a French accent here). See? What you’ve just done is wrong. The French accent should therefore be auto-tuned to English. ‘I take the cat and I put it in the bin,’ will never sound sexy in a Coventry burr.

7. Nuclear Warning Siren. I hope I never get to hear it for real. At least not in the next year. (There’s the Ashes and two world cups for England to win). But just supposing for a minute that I did hear it. There is a fair chance it might be the last thing I ever hear. I therefore want to go out in as relaxed a mood as possible. Not listening to something that sounds like a dolphin being drilled through the eye. The Nuclear Warning Siren should therefore be auto-tuned. Then we can all fall asleep listening to Geri Halliwell being penetrated by a unicorn.

*I can see what you might be thinking here. You have the wrong end of the stick.**

**I can see what you might be thinking here. You’re a pervert.

August 25, 2010
7 Reasons 7 Robin Hoods Have Been Useless

When I was a child, I loved the stories of Robin Hood. This great outlaw who beat the baddies and gave to the goodies. So when it comes to the big screen, I would like to know why they always cock it up. Why the hell can’t Robin be the Robin I admired so much when I was sat in bed in my Super-Ted pyjamas? Let’s have a look at seven Robin Hoods. And why they were rubbish.

1. Errol Flynn. The Adventures Of Robin Hood (1938). He was alright firing his arrows, but I’m sorry, no man should be seen to enjoy wearing tights quite as much as Errol did. The real Robin Hood certainly wouldn’t have been.

2. Brian Bedford. Robin Hood (1973). Don’t recognise the name? No, that’s because Brian Bedford (whoever he is) voiced the animated version of Robin Hood in this Disney version. The version where Robin was a fox. Robin Hood was not a bloody fox. Robin Hood was a man. The lack of research is astounding.

3. Sean Connery. Robin And Marian (1976). Robin Hood is 46 apparently. Oh, and he’s decided he doesn’t like Richard The Lionheart anymore. What the hell? Robin Hood never reached the age of 46. He’s like Peter Pan. Always in his late twenties or early thirties. And as for disliking good old Richard. Laughable. Robin had posters of Richard on his treehouse and everything.

4. Wayne Morris. Maid Marian And Her Merry Men (BBC TV Series 1989-1994). Everyone remembers this programme for Marian. And possibly Tony Robinson. There was a Robin though. He was called Robin of Kensington. And he was a tailor. A tailor? In Kensington? Yes, because that’s right next to Sherwood forest isn’t it? I think I may be losing the will to live.

5. Kevin Costner. Robin Hood: Prince Of Thieves (1991). Never quite got the hang of the accent thing did Kevin. Either that or some muppet told him Robin Hood was born in California.

6. Jonas Armstrong. Robin Hood (BBC TV Series 2006-2009). If there is one thing we know about Robin Hood for sure, it is that he liked firing arrows and he had the horn whenever he saw Marian. He fancied her. He wanted her. And he does in this version. Great. That’s until Marian decides to leave. Does Robin chase her and try and get her back? No, he moves onto the new girl in the village. Some bird called Kate. Pathetic.

7. Russell Crowe. Robin Hood (2010). Russell Crowe thinks Robin Hood is French. I shall let my silence tell you what I think of that.

May 14, 2010
7 Reasons Bull Durham Is The Greatest Baseball Movie Ever

1. Women. Unusually for baseball films, the central character is a woman. This shouldn’t be unusual – some of the most passionate and knowledgeable sport fans I know are women – but it is. The use of a female narrator and the fact that the baseball isn’t the only story in the movie – the journey that Susan Sarandon’s character goes on isn’t really about baseball at all – gives it a totally different perspective to other baseball films, making it far more rounded and realistic. It’s about baseball, but it’s also a romantic comedy. Would my wife sit through The Pride of the Yankees or Eight Men Out with me? No. Would I watch Sleepless In Seattle or You’ve Got Mail with her? No. Would we watch Bull Durham together? Well… no – but only because she’s out shopping at the moment.

2. Realism. Despite not being entirely about baseball, Bull Durham has some of the most realistic and interesting scenes of match-play in films. This shouldn’t be a surprise, since the director spent five years playing in the Minor Leagues. The tight, close-up shots of Davies batting and Laloosh pitching – with their thoughts providing the voiceover – are far more intimate than anything usually seen during matches in baseball movies. The rest of the off-field baseball activity is also imbued with a down-to-earth realism. We learn that you should never punch a man with your pitching hand, and that you’ll never make it to the Major Leagues with fungus on your shower shoes – which is obviously where I went wrong.

3. Tim Robbins. Tim Robbins is in Bull Durham. Tim Robbins is funny looking. Tim Robbins is weird. Tim Robbins is distracting. Tim Robbins ruins most of the films he is in for those reasons. To withstand the casting of Tim Robbins, a film has to be very, very good. High Fidelity, for example, managed to overcome a hugely distracting appearance by him. In Bull Durham he is still quite distracting (and weird), but he’s good. It’s a measured performance in which the growth of his character is completely convincing and very well performed. If your film is good enough to withstand the presence of Tim Robbins, it’s a very good film. If your film can withstand – and be enhanced – by his presence, it must be a great film. He’s still weird though. And funny looking.

4. Sex. You don’t often find sex in baseball films. This is a shame. I like sex; I like baseball (and we don’t have much of either in England). Baseball movies are full of men being men, involved in manly pursuits like sport or drinking beer or more sport. In Bull Durham though, with strong female characters and a female narrator, there is room for more than just baseball. This is great, as the film’s other preoccupation is sex. Not gratuitous, graphic sex, mark you – it’s quite understated. It’s just that the film has sex, romance and mortality as central themes in addition to the baseball, making it far more rounded and interesting that the usual baseball movie fare. I could have done without seeing Tim Robbins in a suspender belt though. That’s something that should be hidden away on the internet.

5. Comedy. Bull Durham is well written, performed and works brilliantly as a whimsical drama based around small-town Minor League baseball. It would stand alone as a good, solid drama. But it doesn’t stop there. This charming film is also full of some wonderfully observed and pithy lines. When worldly Crash Davis discovers the inexperienced Nuke LaLoosh wearing the aforementioned suspender belt in the locker room he calmly walks up to him, adjusts it and tells him, “The rose goes on the front, big guy”.

6. Making poetry interesting. I hate Walt Whitman. Some of my hatred for Mr Whitman stems from three years of being forced to endure his wearisome prose at University. I found him dull in the first place, and my opinion was not helped by having him read to me in lectures or having to read him myself at home. Bull Durham shows us how to study Walt Whitman: tied up in Susan Sarandon’s bed*. I’d have happily spent three years doing that.

7. Kevin Costner. I’ve never really understood the enormous appeal Kevin Costner had in the ‘80s and ‘90s. I always found him a bit dull. In Bull Durham he plays Crash Davis, an experienced and underrated Minor League catcher coming to the end of his career. He seems to be playing Don Johnson playing Sonny Crockett playing Crash Davis, but it works very well. When he’s not playing ‘ball he’s all moody introspection and Bourbon-swilling charm. Sadly, he does not live on a boat with an alligator.

*Susan Sarandon has not replaced Jennifer Aniston in the affections of this website. We imagine them in complementary roles.

February 4, 2010