We were originally going to discuss the benefits of taking your own chiminea to the pub today, but that’s going to have to wait. That’s because today we must acknowledge yesterday’s Canadian Grand Prix. Admittedly, it is still fresh in our minds, so really this post is for the future. In the years to come, when people need to know about the best Grand Prix ever, they will come here for the facts they can’t find anywhere else. That doesn’t mean you can’t read today’s post today, you can. It’ll just mean more to you in 2034.
1. The Comeuppance. Lewis Hamilton finally got it yesterday. And he deserved it. For far too long he has looked ridiculous. For far too long he has worn ear studs and a stupid beard. What’s that about? Doesn’t he own a mirror? Jenson Button was quite right to squash him against the wall. Perhaps now Lewis will realise that before he sorts out his problems on the track, he must sort out those developing – on his face – off it.
2. The Revenge. Everyone remembers when Fernando Was Faster Than You. Finally, in the 2011 Canadian Grand Prix, we had revenge. Felipe was faster than Fernando. Until he drove into a wall anyway.
3. The Rain. Being British we are used to rain delays. But usually it’s while a Test Match is supposed to be happening. For the duration of the delay we usually get Blowers talking about pigeons and buses. During the two hour delay during the Grand Prix, we had Martin Brundle and David Coulthard talking about red-shouldered crows and boats. Maybe it was the lack of the cravat, but listening to Brundle and Coulthard was painful. They were mind-numbingly boring. At one point I may have even started thinking about table decorations for my forthcoming wedding. They were that boring. And because of that it was quite simply one of the most genial bits of commentary I have ever heard. They took me to a point where I was desperate for racing. After two hours I don’t think I have ever wanted to see an F1 race more. I would have been happy to watch thirty laps behind the safety car. Just so Brundle and Coulthard stopped repeating the same thing every five minutes. It was the perfect contrast to what was about to develop. Well done BBC.
4. The Steward. Depending on which video you choose to watch on YouTube, this is either called Steward Falls Over, So Funny!!! or Steward Nearly Dies, So Scary. I’ll let you decide, but at the time I thought I was about to watch a decapitation.
*Edit* Formula One Management have seen fit remove all evidence of this from YouTube but you can view it on the BBC Sport website which we have helpfully linked to here. Sadly, it’s only available to UK users.
5. The Bad Guys. There were two of them. Both Germans. Naturally. They were first and second in the running for the critical stages of the race. The leader was Sebastian Vettel. The young master who had developed a bloody annoying habit of winning all the time. In second was Michael Schumacher. The legend and one of only two drivers who could make Ralf Schumacher look stupid. The other being Ralf Schumacher. For the hero to win this race, he had to pass them both. An accomplishment that would rank alongside Sonic defeating both Dr Robotnix and Shadow.
6. The Good Guy. You have probably worked it out by now, but the good guy was the Brit. (The one who doesn’t look silly and isn’t of Italian and Scottish ancestry.) Jenson Button had five pit stops, a drive through penalty, two collisions, two cheese rolls, a game of Scrabble, a tinkle on the piano, a phone call with Nigel Mansell, another cheese roll, an argument with a cactus and at one point was last on the track. And yet, in a plot that makes The Love Bug look realistic, he made his way through the field and, on the last lap, passed Vettel and won. Won! And he did it all while looking like Chris Martin. Genius.
7. The Also Rans. This has been somewhat overlooked, but Hispania Racing achieved the best result in their history during this race – 13th and 14th. Well done to them. On a similar scale of achievement, I went thirty-six consecutive laps without needing to use the bathroom. Best effort of the season so far that.
