Today we are joined on the 7 Reasons sofa by Chris. Chris works as a financial blogger for moneysupermarket.com life insurance, and spends quite a lot of time writing about how losing weight and getting fit can help save you money on it. This year he decided to stop being such a hypocrite and sort his life out, and thought he’d go on about it endlessly both in real life and on people’s websites too. He’s also arguably funnier than we have ever been, which is a bit annoying.
- Disclaimer: Neither of these men is Chris.
This year, I’ve lost just over 80 pounds in weight. No, no – don’t congratulate me. It’s nothing, really. However, if you really do want to do something for me, why not read my seven reasons why you should definitely lose weight?
1. No Longer Looking Like James Corden. This one is probably personal to me – I recently watched my friend’s wedding day video and it looks like he hired a really bad James Corden impersonator to be his best man. The best man’s speech looks like Smithy from Gavin and Bloody Stacey came barrelling in at the last moment and started taking the mick out of the poor groom while his mother looked on, aghast. I hate James Corden more than I probably should for exactly this reason.
2. Not Sweating Constantly From May To August. You know what’s really not attractive? Sweating. Especially when you can’t stop it from the moment the British weather goes a degree or two over its usual dank quagmire of about 10 degrees Celsius. I used to look like a Death Star with a leak; I’d take to hiding inside on warm days and peering out of the window like that guy from Rear Window – not exactly the best way to live your life, but arguably the best way to be near to your Pringles and the fridge.
3. Being Able To Look At Yourself In The Mirror. “Oh, hello there, me”, I quite often say now when I see myself in the mirror. “I didn’t see you there, what with you being so slender and lithe and flitting in and out through the trees like an ephemeral, gossamer thin slip of silk.”
Yeah, it’s probably quite strange that I have trees in my bathroom, but don’t judge me, man. It’s better than what I used to say to myself in the mirror, which was usually something like “Hey! You! *noisy breath* do you have any sausages? I really want a sausage but we don’t seem to have any…”
4. Being Able To Buy ‘Normal People’ Clothes. Thankfully, I was never quite relegated to the dark depths of the “big and tall” shop, but upon reaching the outer limits of even Asda’s generously sized clothing range, you do start to wonder whether you might be getting a bit too portly. Losing weight means you no longer have to worry about clothes not fitting, and can join the rest of the world in despairing because shops don’t stock anywhere near enough of the average sized stuff so all they ever have is for dolls or Silverback Gorillas.
5. A Better Class Of Nicknames. Big Boy. Big Man. Shrek. A Poor Man’s James Corden. Two of those are things I’ve called myself; the nicer two are indicative of the sorts of things people would refer to me as, rather than going “And what about you, Tubbo the Lardy?” Oddly, people seem to think that names like this are acceptable because you’ve not used the word Fat. True enough, it still amazes me how many perfect strangers start conversations with me by saying “Cuh, you’ve lost some weight, haven’t you?”, but that’s nicer than a fat joke wrapped in a nice coating – like an easter egg.
6. The Looks You Get When You Buy Food. So myself and my girlfriend are in a restaurant together. It’s a nice day, it’s lunchtime, and I know I’ve got food at home for my tea – I order a salad, and whilst I’m saying the words, I watch.
One…Two…Ping!
There they are. The raised eyebrows of a waiter or waitress who expected me to heavily and slimily drool the word “Burger!” through my sticky, salty lips until they brought me one and I devoured it like an Amoeba absorbs plant cells. Every bloody time. This is usually followed by the assumption that the person bringing the food normally makes; the one where they look at me and then the salad, then assumes they’ve got something for a different table.
This of course is very similar to that begging look the waiter would have if I did order a burger or similar; that look that says “Okay, but please don’t have a heart attack in here – at least not until 7 o’clock, when my shift finishes…”
7. Ego Inflation. When was the last time someone told you you looked fantastic, or said that they wish you could do what you do? Of course, if you’re Elle Macpherson’s identical twin who happens to do brain surgery, then it’s probably quite a lot, but for those of us normal human beings, a nice compliment probably doesn’t happen all that often. Lose a bit of weight though and they’ll come from all over the shop – lose enough and you’ll start doing what I do, where you deliberately don’t see someone for a few weeks, just so when you come strutting into the pub in your new jeans and crop top (shut up, I like showing off), they’re amazed. Losing weight doesn’t make you more confident, but everyone telling you how great you look sure as hell does!
