7 Reasons

Tag: italians

  • 7 Reasons to be…an Icetalian!

    7 Reasons to be…an Icetalian!

    I’ve often been told that I’m more Italian than English.  I like coffee, tiramisu and risotto more than I like tea, trifle and Yorkshire puddings; I like Fiat 500s more than I like Minis; I like sun more than rain; I like waving my arms around more than I like…er…not waving my arms around.  All the signs are there.  But last week I had a bit of a revelation.  As I was celebrating March 1st (and the end of my traditional February abstinence) a friend tweeted me.  March 1st is Beer Day in Iceland, he informed me.  That’s funny.  March 1st – the first day of the month that has my name at the start of it (this is Marc, by the way, not Jon.  The month with his name in it is Jonuary) – is my Beer Day too.  Perhaps I’m not just Italian, I thought, perhaps I’m part-Icelandic too.  Maybe I’m…um… an…Icetalian!  From Icetalia!  Even if I’m not, here are seven reasons that I should be.

    the flags of Italia and Iceland

     

    1.  What’s in a Name? Is there a cooler word than Icetalian?  Well, perhaps mantacular or shabazzle, but they’re only really words in my head.  If you stack Icetalian up against actual words that other people would recognise it comes out rather well.  It contains ice, which is an actual cool thing, and talian, which isn’t a thing at all, though it still manages to be evocative of Vespas and sunglasses.  If you’re an Icetalian you’re instantly cool.  It’s like being named Jet or Raffaela.

     

    2.  Cuisine.  Icetalian food would be the best fusion-cuisine in the world.  Italian cooking is already renowned the world over, featuring tiramisu, pasta, tiramisu, risotto, tiramisu, ice cream, tiramisu, bean stews, tiramisu and tiramisu.  In short, it’s awesome.  How, you’re probably wondering, can that be improved?  Well, Icelandic food consists of salted fish, salted lamb, more salted fish and some other salted stuff.  So essentially Icetalian cuisine would be Italian food but with more salt.  And salt, as we know, improves all food.  Has anyone with a tall white hat ever stuck a spoon in a pan and, on tasting the contents, said “Hmm.  I think it needs less salt”?  No, of course they haven’t.   Everything always requires more salt.  Even salt, probably.

     

    3.  Sightseeing.  What’s the most famous tourist attraction in Iceland?  No, it’s not Kerry Katona’s prawn ring, it’s the Icelandic Phallological Museum; that’s right, a whole museum devoted to the penis.  But Iceland’s a cold place, whereas Icetalia (which would have a more temperate climate halfway between that of Iceland and Italy) would be much warmer.  This would make the Icetalian Phallological Museum twice as impressive as the Icelandic one, even though it would have the same number of exhibits.

     

    4.  Expression.  Italians are a voluble and wildly expressive people who, in conversation, communicate as much with their gestures as they do with their words.  The people of Iceland, being rather more reticent Scandinavian types do not.  They prefer to emote by not expressing anything at all.  Ever.  Icetalians would be a happy and healthy blend of these two styles of expression.  If it goes right, they’ll be similar to the English and will express themselves in a physically moderate and understated way, and if it goes wrong then during conversation half of the average Icetalian’s body will remain absolutely, rigidly still while the other half will be an exuberant, wildly-flailing blur of expression that could resemble Riverdance: Officially The Stupidest Thing In The History Of The World.*  I’m hoping that it will be the former, obviously.  A land where people communicate with each other via the medium of Riverdance: Officially The Stupidest Thing In The History Of The World would be dreadful.  And deafening.

     

    5.  Venice.  I love Venice.  It’s bloody marvellous.  If they (whoever they are) were taking nominations for an eighth wonder of the world, I would nominate Venice.  But the Icetalian Venice would be even better, because it would be almost exactly the same as the Italian version, but with ice skating during the winter months and sleighs instead of gondolas.  And there’d be fewer American tourists because they’d fall through the ice.  It would be a true winter wonderland as well as being a summer one.

     

    6.  The Flag.  The Icetalian flag would contain the colours red, blue, green and white.  That’s all of the primary colours on one piece of cloth plus white, which is the colour of nothing when the lights are on.  It doesn’t contain black, which is nothing in the dark, but you can’t have everything.  Though with all of the primary colours, perhaps you can.  In any event, the Icetalian flag will clash with just about every imaginable outfit so nationalism will be kept to a minimum.  It’ll be a nicer place to live.

     

    7.  Names.  Icetalians would have better names than just about everyone else.  In Iceland, the tradition is that the first name of the father becomes the surname of his sons and daughters.  Thus the daughters of Gudmund Magnusson get the surname Gudmunsdottir, and the sons of Gudmund Magnusson get the surname Gudmundson.  Why this doesn’t lead to irresponsible people giving their children the first names Son and Alison, I don’t know.  Then, if their children did the same thing (any why wouldn’t they?), they’d end up with grandchildren called Son Sonson and Alison Sondottir. Within several generations, the Icelandic telephone directory would contain names likes Alison Sonsonsonsonsonsonsonsonsonsonsdottir and Son Sonsonsonsonsonsonsonsonsonson and would be visible from space.  It would be brilliant.  Why no one from Iceland had ever invited me to name anything I don’t know.  Icetalian names would also be amazing (and only slightly shorter).  Icetalian people would be called things like Ambrosiano Giordanoson and Ausilatrice Zoccolittosdottir.  This would make introducing people to each other much more fun and ink manufacturers would be the richest people in the land.  Oh, and this would also mean that school would finish at about the same time that the calling of the register ended, so teachers wouldn’t have to prepare lessons and children wouldn’t have to sit through them.  The people of Icetalia would be thick, but happy.  And work in my ink factory.  I’m moving to Icetalia, it’s going to be brilliant!

     

    *And now that I’ve mentioned it, how did Riverdance: Officially The Stupidest Thing In The History Of The World even come about?  Someone must have done it first.  Why didn’t other people just point and laugh at them?  And who the hell was the second person to do it?  Who, on witnessing someone clippity-clopping about like a deranged horse with a broomstick up their bottom and total paralysis of the arms and head, would think I want to dance like that person?  There is nothing about Riverdance: Officially The Stupidest Thing In The History Of The World that makes any sense.  At all.

     

  • 7 Reasons I Should Be Celebrated The World Over

    7 Reasons I Should Be Celebrated The World Over

    Today I turn 27. I is Jon. Happy Birthday to me. Thanks. This very special day gives me a wonderful opportunity to indulge in a little piece of narcissism. Well, I say narcissism. It’s more a chance to try and make the world a better place.

    7 Reasons Jonathan Lee Should Be Celebrated The World Over
    Image Courtesy of Ceci Masters

    1.  Holiday. June 10th would automatically be made a public holiday. And just before you start thinking this could never happen, well it already has. In Portugal.

    2.  Statues. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not so vain that I think there should be statues of me in every town, village and hamlet. But one in every 50sq miles sounds about right. The simple fact of the matter is that there are 6.2 billion people on this planet and I can’t get round to everyone. A statue does exactly what I do. Apart from get injured when someone takes exception to seeing me everyday and knocks my head off.

    3.  Italians. As this short film demonstrates, they need to sort their attitude out. I am hoping that if the rest of the world celebrate me then the Italians might join in. Voluntarily or otherwise.

    4.  Common Denominator. There is a lot of bad blood between a lot of people in this world. What the world needs now is love sweet love, but if we can’t get that we need something else. Something that ignores borders. Something that ignores beliefs. Something that ignores opinions. Something that ignores The French. Something that everyone can agree is beauty. Maybe then, with common ground, we can build a better world for our children. That something, is me.

    5. I Do The Things That You Don’t Have To. For the most part of my life, I have been getting on and doing the jobs that otherwise you’d have to do. Trying to become an international athlete for instance. Or deciding that I could take on – and beat – Australians at every single sported ever invented. Or spending three years of my life searching for my friend’s look-alike – and then writing a book about it. Or planning to catch one hundred London buses in one night. If it wasn’t for me, you’d have had to do all that. You’d be the one who was a bit…erm…strange.

    6.  You Again. Have you sent me a Birthday card for today? The chances are you probably haven’t. But that’s not necessarily your fault. It may simply be a case that you don’t know me. If you don’t know me you can’t be expected to know when to start looking at Birthday cards. If I was celebrated all over the world though, you would know. Clinton Cards would put adverts up and stuff.*

    7.  7 Reasons. If I was celebrated the whole world over, I wouldn’t have to spend ages, in the early hours my birthday, trying to think of a poxy seventh reason as to why you should celebrate me.

    *If you do know me and you haven’t sent me a card, I would like to know why. Thanks.

  • 7 Reasons to Have an Extra Hand

    7 Reasons to Have an Extra Hand

    1. Eating.  Eating would be better with an extra hand.  Young love-struck couples would be able to eat properly and hold hands at the same time.  More established couples would be able to eat properly and repel the advances of their chip-stealing spouse at the same time.  Old couples would be able to eat properly and take their pills at the same time.  Single people would be able to use all of the cutlery at once.

    2.  Driving.  Driving would be safer if we all had an extra hand.  The sort of idiots who use their phone or apply make-up while driving would now be able to do it with their extra hand.  Obviously there will be people who would now believe that they can drive with one hand while applying make-up with the second and using their phone with the third.  Don’t fret too much about this though.  You will be able to use your extra hand to take down their registration number or to gesticulate at them.  I shall be using my extra hand to thump my nemesis – the sat-nav.  Jennifer Aniston will use her extra hand to touch her hair while driving, while Michael Buble will use his to point.

    3.  Jugglers. If we all had an extra hand then those smug gits, jugglers, would look silly with their antiquated and inefficient action and the rest of us could taunt them by languidly tossing three things about at once.  Hopefully this would cause them to realise they are pointless idiots.

    4.  Sex.  As an Englishman I can’t write about sex without resorting to euphemism.  Suffice it to say that with two extra hands couples could simultaneously mash the creamy anvil, startle the somnambulant vicar and unfetter the slobbery lobster.  The new tri-sexuality is going to be great!

    5.  Economy.  If we had a third hand the global recession would end*.  The clothing industry would be revitalised by having to manufacture extra sleeves and gloves as would agriculture, as we would need a third more sheep, silk and cotton.  There would be a boom in making your own clothes as knitting would become much easier and quicker, thus optimising the efficiency of your grandma.  It would also require the manufacture of 33.3% more knitting needles.  The decimal system would also be replaced as we would find it simpler to calculate things in fifteens.  The new quindecimal system would require the manufacture of lots of new signs and equipment.  All of this extra manufacturing would cause a global economic boom.  The quindecimal system would also cause 7 Reasons to become 10.5 Reasons, which would make two grown men cry.

    6.  Italians.  Italians gesticulate a lot while they talk and are effortlessly cool.  With an extra hand they will be able to gesticulate, smoke, drink, look cool, ride a Vespa and eat an ice cream at the same time.  They do that now, of course, they’ll just be better at it.

    7.  Jewellery.  With an extra hand, women will be able to wear more rings and bracelets.  This will cause them to buy a lot more of them too, leading to an increase in the number of “white lies” told to husbands.  Men will wear a second watch with built-in functions other than time-telling:  A small television, a compass, a torch, a screwdriver and an extinguisher for their wife’s pants will all be common features.

    *Strangely, there is a total lack of research or data available to support this claim.