Tag: Injury

Guest Post: 7 Reasons Why You Should Never Lick A Door Handle

Remember Ewan MacDougal of Furniture Fortress and Window Blinds as Christmas Presents fame? Well he’s back. And this time he’s not alone. Joining him on the 7 Reasons sofa is article co-author Nicola Winters. Oh, and a lot of Japanese girls with their tongues attached to door handles. We’ll leave Ewan and Nicola to explain why.

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There are many trends, fashions and fads that come and go (most are completely alien to me) but yet they get the whole world talking. Some trends catch on, some don’t and some simply shouldn’t! You can often predict the next big trend by looking at Japanese culture. For a long time the Japanese have been number one for innovation, number one for technology and most defiantly number one for alternative fashion. However, there is a new phenomenon sweeping Japan that I certainly hope is not a sign of things to come at home. The bizzare new fetish where girls are licking door handles! Usually I’m all for diversifying culture, but this is one innovation that I really hope does not catch on at home. Call me a hygiene freak if you must, but I certainly don’t want to find myself trapped in a room, too scared to open the door for fear that it’s been coated with some one else’s saliva. So, in an attempt to prevent this trend spreading, here are seven reasons why you should just say no to licking door knobs.

1. Door Handles Aren’t Always That Clean. A handle is not just an interior design accessory; their primary purpose is to be functional tools, used to open and close doors for anyone (and everyone) who wish to enter or exit. The average handle must have been touched by countless people, all with different standards of personal hygiene. In almost no time at all germs will have gathered. Do you really want to be licking these germs? What if someone else has licked this handle before you? How many germs will it be home to then? I have a really ugly friend who has glandular fever and loves Japanese trends, what if he’s licked the handle first?

2. It’s Just Plain Weird! How many times have you previously found yourself licking door handles? How many times have you been out and about, shopping, picking the kids up from school or walking the dog and got the urge to lick a door handle? What was that? Never? No of course you haven’t. Do you want to know why? Because it’s weird! If you had previously witnessed this type of behaviour on a street near you then you’d be the first person to call the psychiatric specialist and get them off the streets immediately! So don’t think that just because the “cool” Japanese people have started doing it, it’s suddenly stopped being weird. Because it hasn’t!

3. There’s Better Things To Lick. Seriously, door handles? For hundreds of years confectionery professionals have strived long and hard to manufacturer tasty, sweet, juicy and mouth-watering treats to suck on. Surely these hours have not been wasted? Surely in all this time they must have developed at least one thing you would prefer to lick than a door handle.

4. You Could Strain Your Back. Maybe this is a sign that I’m getting old, but surely you’d agree the act of actually bending down to participate in door knob licking is a strenuous process in itself. The risk of pulling, straining or (in more serious cases) breaking the back has to be pretty high. Even if you are just a casual licker it only takes one bad kneeling position and you could ruin your licking-things career for ever. Do you really want a door handle to be the last thing you lick? If you’re going to take the risk, there must be other things out there better licked.

5. You’ll Restrict Others Access. Don’t be selfish. Whilst you are indulging in a little handle love from one side of the door, there could be an extremely important person on the other side. An extremely important person trying to get to an extremely important meeting. If they have to wait until you’re done satisfying yourself, think of all the important things they could miss. Think what this could mean for the world! What if they were a diplomat that had finally come up with a plan that could lead to world peace and they missed the world peace summit because of you? Do you want that on your conscience?

6. You Could Get A Bump On The Head. What if said important person didn’t wait? What if their important thing was so important they just had to push through? Getting hit in the head with a door, whilst its handle is in your mouth, with your tongue wrapped around it, does not sound like a pleasant experience.

7. You Could Be A Fire Hazard. When I was a child, my Japanese mother was tragically killed in a fire when she could not leave a burning building because someone was taking too long to finish licking the door handle of the fire exit. It was extremely sad and left me and my six siblings homeless and living on the streets only able to survive by selling our organs on the black market. It was an horrific existence and it was all because of door handle licking.*

So, take a moment before jumping on this bandwagon. Stop before resorting to this crazy behaviour simply to ‘fit in’. Think about this logically and ask yourself, “Do I really need to lick this door handle?” The answer, surprisingly, will almost always be ‘NO’.

*Reason 7 is entirely a lie, but I was hoping for the sympathy vote.

March 1, 2012
7 Reasons To Wear A Sling

Last night I found myself in a sling. Not because I had done a mischief, but because I had immersed myself in a role-play situation. Reasons for this are seven-fold and may or may not appear on this site later this week. While I was sitting there being slinged-up, it occurred to me that I had been missing a trick for twenty-eight years. I had never worn a sling. And because of that I was missing out on so much.

1. Sympathy. Not for the Devil or indeed for Adam, but for all of us. If we see someone in a sling we automatically feel sorry for them. How did they do that? Are they in pain? Can I help them carry their bags off the train? Wear a sling and you will get more love than you did that morning from your so-called loved one. Admittedly you may have destroyed their eight year-old cactus by dropping a pair of wet jeans on it, but even so.

2. Innocence. If there has just been a terrible crime and there are blood soaked bodies all over the road – or a box of tea-bags has gone missing from Sainsbury’s – it’s easy to look around and identify the suspect. You might not mean to do it, but it’s automatic. “There,” you think, “that youth in the beanie holding a machete is responsible for the murders.” He might not be. He might be a nice lad out for a stroll. But in our panic stricken minds we play to stereotypes. “That man there, the one who looks like he broke his arm recently and is now in a sling, did he commit these atrocities? No, of course he didn’t. He’s in a sling.” So you stop watching him. And off he wanders with 240 Gold Standard tea-bags stuffed down his trousers. Never to be seen again.

3. Massage. The problem with massaging your own neck and shoulder is that your arm gets tired very quickly. Arms were not meant to be positioned across your body at an upwards angle. They are meant to dangle loosely by your side and whack into door frames or old women. A sling, though, will give you that much needed support. You can massage your neck, shoulder and jab your collar bone with your fingers all day if you wish. Who needs an osteopath?

4. Discrimination. I’ve been for a few job interviews in the last six months and failed to land any of the jobs.* The reason for this has just dawned on me. I am perfect. Too perfect in every possible way. As a result employers can easily turn me away without the fear of a lawsuit being filed against them for discrimination. If I were to wear a sling though, well, things would be very different. They wouldn’t dare not employ me. If they did they’d know that I’d complain. They know I would sight the fact that they discriminated against me because I was wearing a sling. It would go to court. I’d get a lot of money. They’d go into liquidation. I’d win. That is the power of the sling.

5. Bullies. We’ve all heard the story of David walking along Brixton High Street only to be faced down by the towering figure of Goliath. What did he do? That’s right, he slipped out of his sling, picked a hypodermic needle up off the floor and fired it at Goliath’s head. Down he went, all hypodermatised. A lesson for us all. If you’re being bullied (or just passing through Brixton) wear a sling. No one will touch you.

6. Adoption. A sling is particularly helpful if you are an actress wandering about in a foreign country. It is quite possible that you may see a child you quite like the look of. A child who you think would enjoy the sights and sounds of downtown Beverley Hills. A child you want to keep. All you need to do is whip your arm out of the sling and pop whichever child that takes your fancy in it. Simple as that. You then get your lawyers to sort out the payment.

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7. Cold. In true 7 Reasons style we save the most obvious reason for last. The sling is basically just a big handkerchief. Which is ideal if you’ve got a big cold. Gone are the days of destroying rainforests for a box of Kleenex. Gone are the days of having to pile snot upon snot and then wiping it all over your face. A sling will allow you to blow your nose in the comfort of dry material at least six times. Thus curing colds in half the time a normal handkerchief would. Sometimes I think 7 Reasons should run the NHS.

*This is why I haven’t started calling myself Rebecca if you’re wondering what happened there.

July 19, 2011
7 Reasons Not To Elbow Someone Whilst Sleeping

Last week you found out that my girlfriend and I discuss potatoes in bed, well today you are going to discover that she elbows me in the neck whilst sleeping. But this post is not so much for the benefit of her as it is for everyone. The simple fact is this: elbowing people whilst sleeping is bad. Here’s why:

1. Sides. Like most couples, my girlfriend and I have dedicated sides of the bed. I am on the left with 80% of the duvet, Claire is on the right shivering. Now, if like me you never venture from your side of the bed, it means your fellow sleep partner must be breaking bed protocol if her (or his) elbow is making contact with your neck. In such situations you do have to wonder why you had to nominate sides in the first place.

2. Damage. Of course, before you wonder about why you agreed to nominate sides, you need to inspect your injuries. In my case I had to check I was still breathing. Thankfully I was, but an elbow protruding into my trachea made it much harder than it usually is. Still, I am one of the lucky ones. Other injuries you may suffer from being elbowed in bed include: a black eye, a broken nose, a fat lip, a dislocated jaw and a wobbly tooth. And that’s just on your face. If you sleep upside down it could be a whole lot worse.

3. Reflex. Generally when people feel pain, their first reaction is to react. This probably isn’t news. If you are asleep and someone disturbs you by elbowing you it would be very natural for you to instinctively punch them in the face. Satisfying, yes. Sensible, not really. Especially when you consider that a reflex of being punched in the face is to kick out. You could quite easily end up having a pillow fight. Without the pillows.

4. Retaliation. Maybe you manage to avoid reacting instinctively though. Possibly because you are already awake. You can’t let your partner get away with it! They’ve just whacked you in the face. This is when you start turning to dark places. (Unless you switched the light on to work out what the bloody hell just took your head off.) Thoughts turn to revenge. Should you kick them? Knee them? Pinch them? Poke them? Slap them? Chances are you won’t do any of them, but thanks to your partner you stay awake all night thinking nasty thoughts. Then you’re cranky all day. You snap at people. You argue with people. You put salt in people’s coffee. Then, come 6pm, you have no friends left. And all because the lady ~~loves Milk Tray~~ elbowed you up the nostril.

5. Moving. In something of a design flaw, when someone elbows you whilst they are asleep, they rarely move their arm back to its rightful place. As a result you have to move it for them. Which is not as easy as it sounds. Joints were only designed to move in certain directions and usually the only direction it wants to go is further into your eye socket. Generally speaking, the only solution here is for you to move. Probably downstairs to the sofa bed.

6. Dreams. As I do on most nights, I was dreaming in my sleep. Last night’s adventure was particularly exciting as I was unbeaten on 245 and Shane Watson had just pulled a hamstring. It was a pleasant change to his usual trick where he pulls a hamster from a Tesco carrier bag. So there I was watching Shaun Tait jog in from the Michael Jackson Statue End (we were playing in Fulham) when I lost sight of the ball. Next thing I knew it had smacked me in the throat. Which is when I woke up with a start and realised that not only had I been dreaming, but Claire had been the one to spoil my moment with a viciously placed elbow. Pathetic.*

7. Petty. If you have an issue with someone, elbow them in the face when you are awake. That way they’ll know exactly how you feel. Doing it while you are ‘asleep’ is childish and, as detailed above, helps no one.

*When I did get back to sleep, Janet Street-Porter yorked me first ball. One of us were also naked. That’s the stuff nightmares are made of.

April 6, 2011
7 Reasons U2 Have No Excuse Not To Perform At Glastonbury

So, yesterday, U2 had to pull out of their scheduled headline appearance at this year’s Glastonbury because Bono needs to rest his back. As excuses go, that’s up there with, ‘My imaginary dog ate my homework’. And this is why.

1. Posture. Now, I know ‘rockstars’ like to own the stage. Nothing gets them more erect than running across the stage and whipping the crowd into a frenzy. Given that Bono is a prick most of the time, it will come as no surprise that I believe he falls into this category. But, do you know what? There is no rule that says you have to ponce around the stage. You are allowed to sit down. Or even lie down on stage. So why couldn’t Bono have done this?

2. Location. The Edge and the other two – who don’t actually have names – could easily be on the stage at Glastonbury with a video link to Bono sitting at home, in front of his webcam. He can afford one.

3. Orifices. The last time I checked, Bono didn’t sing out of his back. He talks out of something close to it, but singing out of his back? No. He uses what most of us use. His mouth. Saying he can’t sing at Glastonbury is a bit like me saying I can’t bend down because I have a cold-sore on the side of my mouth.

4. Miming. Bono doesn’t actually have to sing. People will understand. He could just stand there and open his mouth while U2’s roadie presses play on the tape recorder round the back.

5. Geoffrey Knight. I wouldn’t blame you if you have never heard of Geoffrey. Up until ten seconds ago neither had I. But he is arguably the world’s greatest Bono impersonator. Don’t take it from me, visit his website. Now, I know a thing or two about impersonation* and, the truth is, a lot of people – mainly those who don’t bother to read – will believe just about anything. So all Bono had to do was get Michael Eavis to write somewhere on the Glastonbury website that Geoffrey would be appearing instead of him. Simple.

6. Holograms. Yes, so supposing Geoffrey isn’t available – maybe he is out impersonating Bob Geldof – well then it’s time for the lights and projection systems and all that jazz to take over. With all the strobing and flashing lights that happen on these stages, no one is really going to notice if Bono is actually being played by a hologram. And let’s be honest, after all the alcohol that has been consumed by the crowd, the whole thing is just a blur anyway.

7. My Mum & Everyone Else. My mum has a bad back, but she’s the kind of woman who wouldn’t let you know it. Not once has she phoned up the owner of Tesco to cancel her appearance in the aisles later that day. Instead, she gets in the car, does the shopping and then carries everything into the house. Sometimes I think it’s quite harsh not to open the front door for her. And then, like I say, there is everyone else. Everyday, all over the world, people are injuring their backs. Do they cancel their appearance at Glastonbury because of it? No, they do not. Bono, you are pathetic.

*It’s really quite an art.

May 26, 2010