Remember when you were a youngster and you drew a new country – Jonville – in your parent’s atlas? No? Well you missed out. I did and my imaginary country was amazing. But that’s all it was. Amazing and imaginary. It never actually became a reality. (As those of you who have looked in a 2011 atlas will know.) Today’s guest post from Mark Richardson goes that one step further. Mark’s not interested in whimsy. He’s interested in the real thing. He wants to start his own country. And here’s why you should do it too:
Many of the great, and imaginary, thinkers of our time have said; “There’s no freedom like political freedom”. And they are right. Don’t take my word for it, read a history book. Its pages will be drenched with the blood of warriors who fought for independent rule and freedom. That could be you. Although I would advise you don’t actually fight for freedom. Rather have some coffee and get others to fight for you. Like the French do.
“Why should I be my own sovereign nation?” I hear you ask. Well here are seven thought provoking reasons.
1. No More Speeding Tickets. I don’t remember being included in the meeting where speed limits were decided. Democracy failing at the first hurdle there really. Well, diplomatic immunity will solve that. Next time you’re handed a speeding ticket, hand it back claiming you are beyond the jurisdiction of traffic law enforcement, and demand an apology. You will need diplomatic number plates though. And your nation’s flag flying from your car. That’s a nice touch.
2. Military Allies. Label anyone who messes with you a rebel insurgent and request military assistance from the United States Army. Let’s see those neighbourhood punks give you crap when there’s an Apache Gunship hunting them down.
3. Money, Money, Money. Don’t stress about that new credit card application. Request one hundred million a year directly from the IMF. Billions exchange hands every year in loans to third world economies. Why shouldn’t you get a piece of that? Claim you need the money to implement a project to build decent housing and ease the overcrowding in your nation’s more populated cities. Roughly translated; get yourself a big house. Personally, my nation could do with a 150 acre secluded coastal estate with a private beach and helicopter pad.
4. Travel The World. Sick of economy class and cheap hotels? Me too. Plan a trip to Washington DC and request to stay in the White House and have a meeting in the Oval Office with the President. Demand that the press be present, and request a personal bodyguard for the duration of your US visit. Insist that this bodyguard be Chuck Norris.
5. Make Up Your Own Holidays. Why settle for the mere handful of holidays issued by your regular government when you could invent your own when it suits you? It doesn’t have to stop at holidays either. Parades are fun. An annual street parade based around a bikini theme is a killer foreign policy plan. The problem is that regular governments don’t put enough thought into this stuff.
6. Get Rid Of Door-To-Door Sales People. Sales people encroaching on your land to sell you crap you don’t need are to be immediately detained as spies and found guilty of espionage, and then imprisoned never to be seen again. Those that email you spam will be tracked down with the help of Western Intelligence Services, accused of cyber terrorism and sent to Guantanamo where violent things will be done to their sensitive parts. Seriously, I hate those guys.
7. Get Your Own National Anthem. Yes, one of the perks of being a visiting dignitary everywhere you go. Be creative here. Don’t go the normal boring route. Try Bulls On Parade by Rage Against The Machine and demand that it is played every time you walk into a room. Also, everyone should stand respectfully for the entire duration of the song.
Well, there you go. Be your own Nation. Craft your own destiny. I should point out at this stage that these suggestions probably actually won’t work in a real world situation. But if you don’t ever try you won’t ever experience the crushing failure that leaves you feeling like an underachieving loser.
