Tag: Illness

Guest Post: 7 Reasons Aliens Will Never Visit Earth

Movies have been made and actual human lives have all been devoted to the prospect of aliens one day popping in to say “sup?” But let’s try to put some things into perspective for a minute. This is Earth. This isn’t some kind of Martian Cancun or some interstellar Mecca where everyone is just dying to meet us. This is just plain old, regular Earth, Terra Firma, Planet of the Hairless Apes.

It isn’t going to happen, people, sad as it sounds, and here are seven reasons why aliens aren’t interested in coming.

1. It’s A Little Out Of The Way. Let me ask you something – if you had tons of money, resources and the hottest, fastest ride, would you spend your time driving down to Detroit? God, no! You would go someplace exciting and interesting and full of life. What exactly are we near? What do we have to offer any alien species advanced enough to visit our tiny, obscure patch of the known universe? Religion? College Football? Copious amounts of unsold Big Mouth Billy Bass? No, any self-respecting extraterrestrial knows that Earth is simply not worth the trip.

2. We Have Nothing They Want. One thing is for sure, they aren’t traveling hundreds of thousands of light years to learn the secrets of our clear wire internet. This falls in line with the first reason, but it deserves to be discussed in a little more detail. Movies have been made about how aliens want to establish communication or even invade for our rich and unspoiled wilderness full of untapped resources and crystal clear waters. I guess these aliens have never sampled the fine H2O from the Chicago River nor had a look at the detritus strewn about Lancaster and its many closed mills. Do these aliens even know that China PAINTED their mountains green?! Of course they know. They’re aliens.

3. We Are Not That Interesting. When you get right down to it, we really aren’t. Just admit it. Oh yeah, sure, some dude can eat an entire shopping cart and some woman can almost pop the eyeballs out of her head but that’s about it. We spend more time on our phones living vicariously through other people who have probably had their left hands surgically replaced with a smartphone so they can twitter compulsively. Our highest form of entertainment used to be music. Now, it’s reality television. We watch “reality” television, about “real” people saying wacky and funny things as they live a “real” life. That is how we spend our weekends. We don’t spend them seeking communion with other beings, colonizing the moon or making the Earth less of a sty. Also, while we’re here, if reality television is so “real” then how come they have writers?

4. We Are A Danger To Ourselves And The Environment. If ancient astronauts ever came to Earth centuries ago, I suspect they would have a hard time finding anything remotely familiar. We have tirelessly spent our days as a civilization developing new weapons of war, systematically destroying the environment, and endeavoring to create the perfect hamburger – all because we can. You seriously think any emissaries of peace are going to want a piece of us or what we got going on? We are a powder keg.

5. Why Engage In Fruitful Communion With A Race That Gave The Green Light On A Movie Based On The Battleship Board Game? We are making a movie, based on a board game Hasbro-owned Milton Bradley invented and that people only pretend to have fond memories of. With the economic quagmire that is our lives being what it is, we are making a movie based on this board game with a budget of no less than $200 million. Do you have any idea what better use that money could have been put towards? Do you have any comprehension, as a human being, how many starving people you could feed with that kind of money for a year? I didn’t think so.

6. Actually, They Have Been Meaning To For Some Time But Aren’t Sure If We Will Still Be Around By The Time They Swing By. Do you know what our government does when we aren’t fighting for our lives from imminent commie threats, terror attacks and world wars? They spend their days creating robots that can use guns and developing the next great SUPER AIDS virus, purely for research purposes, I’m told. Aliens keep thinking they want to come on over but why waste the trip if we’re all dead by the time they get here?

7. They Know Better. Remember that old sci-fi trope where we as humans are like children to the aliens? It’s totally true. We are immature, petulant youths and the aliens know better than to let us leech off of them.

Author Bio: Brian is a writer who spends most of his time…uh…writing. When he isn’t spending his time fruitlessly staring up at the starry skies, he is writing both professionally and for pleasure.

February 21, 2012
Guest Post: 7 Reasons To Holiday In South Africa

The nights are drawing in. The temperature is dropping. There is resentment in the air. Summer never arrived. As a result throngs of disgruntled Brits are marching on Heathrow. Destination holiday. But with so many countries to choose from, where do you buy a ticket to? Today Craig Patterson puts his humorous case forward for South Africa.

South Africa is a pretty amazing place; a country nicknamed the ‘Rainbow nation’ for its incredible cultural diversity and eclectic geography (as opposed to any parallels with the long running British children’s TV show featuring Geoffrey Hayes and a cast of rather off-beat puppet companions Zippy, Bungle and for some reason a camp hippo called George). South Africa is a vibrant and beautiful place that promises one of the most memorable and truly privileging experiences in the world. So let’s take a closer look at the seven reasons that make South Africa holidays so good.

1. ‘Damn Nature, You Scary!’ South Africa is home to some of the most iconic wildlife on the planet and nowhere else in Africa are you more likely to see the famous ‘Big Five’; like the fab four but considerably more toothy and considerably less Liverpudlian these were the animals once considered by colonial hunters as the most dangerous on the continent: lions, leopards, rhinos, elephants and Chuck Norris…I mean buffaloes. The Kruger National Park in the North East of the country is widely regarded as one of the richest and most diverse game reserves in all of Africa boasting an abundance of wildlife, and even the occasional hippo; although I can’t promise they will be either as camp or as pink as George. Safari holidays are becoming more and more popular and a break to South Africa promises a truly exhilarating experience.

2. Language And Time. Okay, so it might take an eleven and a half hour flight to get there but let’s face it, that’s just like watching all three extended editions of the Lord of the Rings films back to back; peace of cake. One great thing about travelling to South Africa for Western European tourists in particular is that it’s almost entirely down hill and by that I mean you fly on essentially the same longitude the whole way; so despite jumping on a rather lengthy flight you will still arrive in Cape Town or Johannesburg only 1 or 2 hours ahead of GMT. Cash back! Also thanks to a lengthy colonial occupation a vast majority of South Africans speak English, which perhaps unfortunately for some renders ineffectual that old British holiday-making ritual of trying to make other nationalities comprehend you by pointing at something and then saying it louder and slower again in English. This also presents a great opportunity to perfect your beloved South African accent; the one that everyone says sounds Russian but you know is spot on.

3. The Weather’s Great…Usually. The weather in South Africa is quite similar to the climate in Britain in the same way that Blue Nun is quite similar to Dom Perignon. The country actually promises pleasant conditions throughout the year although there is a discernible seasonal shift around September and April. Thanks to the wizardry of astrophysics and the orbital tilt of the planet’s axis as a country in the Southern Hemisphere South Africa experiences apposite seasonal changes to its hemispherical counterparts ‘up north’ meaning that when it is British winter it is in fact South African summer. Not only does this assert the country as a great winter warmer destination, but the cooler drier period from June to September is actually the best time for game viewing and perfectly timed for a jolly summer holiday. All of this said South Africa is prone to its occasional climatic clanger and only as recently as this year many residents in the Eastern Cape awoke to a blanket of thick snow, maybe not so different eh?

4. Malaria Free. Unlike most other destinations in Southern Africa, South Africa is almost entirely malaria free with only the very north-eastern reaches moderately at risk. A lot of people presume that when they travel to South Africa they will have to prescribe to a cocktail of pills and drugs that Keith Richards would be proud of, but thanks to the geographical location of the country travellers and perhaps young children in particular needn’t worry about the effects of those infamous and much belied bloodsuckers, no not the HMRC, mosquitoes.

5. Nelson Says So. The Granddad that everyone wishes they had, Nelson Mandela, is an icon, not only in South Africa but across the globe. The former president was notoriously imprisoned for over 27 years for his role in the anti apartheid movement much of which he spent on Robben Island. To trace the history and evolution of modern South Africa is a wonderful thing and there are many museums and exhibits dedicated to the country’s colourful and undeniably tumultuous past. Mandela still epitomises the hope and spirit shared by millions of South Africans for a bright and fruitful future. He also looks just like Morgan Freeman who incidentally played him in 2009 biopic, Invictus – a little pub ammo for you.

6. Cape Town. Cape Town is a pretty hip and happening place and is the most visited destination within the most visited country in Africa. Originally established by the Dutch who stopped by for a smoke and a pancake in the mid 17th century and decided to stay, today Cape Town is a busy metropolis, although interestingly not the outright capital as South Africa actually has three – make up your minds guys. With such famous sights as the V&A waterfront, Table Mountain and the nearby Cape of Good Hope as well as a plethora (great word, just rolls off the tongue) of boutique shops restaurants and bars there will be something to keep everyone entertained.

7. Affordable. You might think that a holiday to South Africa would cost you an arm and a leg (I suppose it might depending upon how close you get to the lions) but in fact you don’t have to be the CEO of De Beers to afford even a relatively luxurious trip. The incredible variety of experiences on offer in South Africa means that whatever budget you have to work with you can still see the best of this country. OK, so you’re understandably going to have to fork out more than you would for a long weekend in Whitby but in a time when the purse strings are even tighter than usual you can still enjoy an ‘exotic’ break at a competitive price.

September 24, 2011
7 Reasons You Shouldn’t go to the Doctor’s

1. Hand-wash. Little plastic dispensers of antiseptic hand-wash: They’re inside the main entrance, they’re in the reception area, they’re in the waiting room, they’re in the doctor’s office, they’re everywhere! They outnumber patients by about 40-1; they outnumber patients’ hands by about 20.5-1 (there was a one-armed man). Why could they possibly need so many? It will bother you.

2. Sick people. There are sick people at the doctor’s surgery, it’s full of them: Coughing, retching, groaning, wailing, with blotches, pustules, buboes and weeping sores; it’s more like Hell’s waiting room than Dr Butterworth’s. If I ever write a historical novel about the Black Death in medieval Europe I’ll visit the doctor’s for inspiration – and just hope I live long enough to complete it.

3. Light. The soulless, ceaseless hum of the fluorescent strip-lights is the soundtrack to your stay in the waiting room. Worse still, their glow bathes everything and everyone in an unnatural light, giving the room’s occupants a grey, bleached-out pallor that makes them appear unwell, even if they’re not.

4. Magazines. Due to the Swine Flu scare they no longer have magazines in my local surgery; no Country Life, no Woman’s Weekly – in fact, nothing to read at all. Presumably they think our hands would be too slick from the hand-wash to leaf through the pages. Fortunately, on my last visit to the doctor, I had a copy of Vanity Fair with me, so I pulled that out of my bag and began to read. My fellow patients – envious, I assume – saw my magazine and started moving toward it. They rose slowly from their seats and shuffled gradually forward, eventually forming a groaning, coughing semi-circle around me. With their fluorescent strip-light pallor, obvious wounds and missing limb they resembled the un-dead. Fortunately, the doctor called me in before they started to feast on my brains.*

5. Manliness. Convention has it that real men don’t visit the doctor. This is nonsense. If he has misplaced a limb, his elbow has unaccountably turned purple, or his urine is pure Bovril, a man should visit the doctor. In all other cases, he should soldier on.

6. Discouragement. They don’t want you to see you. Why would they? They might catch something dreadful or you might try to show them your hemorrhoids. If they really wanted to see you they would open outside of office hours and they’d give you an appointment less than a week into the future. They might also consent to visit you at home on occasions other than your imminent death. They do these things to discourage you from seeking medical advice. If you don’t go to see the doctor, their whole system runs more smoothly. And that’s the way they like it.

7. Feelings. Doctor’s surgeries aren’t just places to treat your physical ailments, they’re places that are concerned with your general wellbeing too. These days, they seem just as concerned with your emotional wellbeing as they are with your physical health. This isn’t necessarily a good thing:

Bond strode into the uncluttered, homely office. After some light conversation, the G.P. asked how he felt about his condition.

“Do you expect me to talk, Dr Blofeld?”

“No Mr Bond, I expect you to cry”

break

No one wants that, who knows where it may lead?

break

*Did I mention that I had a bit of a temperature?

February 22, 2010
Guest Post: 7 Reasons Spooks Are Different To Humans

Today sees us hand over the reins of 7 Reasons to guest writer, Bri McIntosh. All compliments can still be sent to us. We’ll pass them on. No, seriously, we will. But then again you are probably a fan of joy, so we suggest you visit his blog here and and follow him on twitter here.

1. Accidents and illness. The average human being is susceptible to getting a common injury such as a sprained ankle or getting a bout of the common cold. This never happens to a Spook. A Spook might cut themselves shaving but even this is a rarity unless said cut is inextricably linked to a complex and convoluted plot that involves DNA corruption, mistaken identities and high level tensions.

2. Bombs. Average human beings cannot defuse bombs. Even bomb disposal specialists use robots. Spooks can defuse massive bombs using only their hands. This is often only done with seconds to spare and a Spook never breaks sweat doing so.

3. Nature calls. When nature calls the average human being takes themselves off to the loo. Spooks never seem to need to use the loo, even in life threatening situations when the body might take on a mind of its own.

4. Traffic jams. On any given day it takes the mere mortal citizen an age to cross London. This rule does not apply to Spooks however. A Spook can get anywhere in London in the blink of an eye and never has to suffer the annoyance of a traffic jam. Which is just as well really, because even without getting stuck behind the 211 bus, they only ever get to the bomb two minutes before it detonates.

5. Drinking on the job. For the average human being, drinking alcohol at work is a sackable offence. Spooks, on the other hand, especially head-honchos called Harry, can knock back a couple of shorts and still save the world on a weekly basis. Nor do they ever seem to have hangovers.

6. Never out of range. According to the TV series Spooks, operatives use iPhones. During filming the iPhone was only available on O2. O2 have shocking 3G coverage in London, yet for some reason you never see Lucas cursing his phone or standing on a chair waving it about. Somehow, wherever he is, he always has a signal.

7. Accents. A Spook can get away with improvising any accent. Even when they do it badly. If I walked into a bank and put on a Russian accent that seemed to have come via Berlin and Newcastle-upon-Tyne, I would not only be laughed at but probably asked to leave the premises. A Spook does it and they will be sat in the manager’s office within seconds. Probably with free biscuits.

December 12, 2009