Tag: hands

7 Reasons My Italian Self-Teaching May Get Me Into Trouble

Hello. I’m on a plane. At least I am if you are reading this at 9am on Monday morning. If you are reading it at 9pm on Monday evening then I bloody well hope I’m not on a plane and if you are reading it in June 2014, well, I couldn’t really care less. I’m assuming, as I write, that it is 9am on Monday morning and I am currently on a plane that is destined for Italy. Yes, I’m going on holiday. I thought you’d be pleased. Over the last week, I have done a little language based learning. And, in what is quite a coincidence, I have been learning Italian. Unfortunately, I am not the best when it comes to languages. Partly because I always sound a bit Indian when speaking with another tongue and partly because I just can’t be bothered with it. Which, I admit, is an abysmal attitude to have, but I will gladly take any applause you are prepared to give me for honesty. As a result of these two factors, the Italians might be in for something of a shock. Here’s why:

1. Accents. My Italian accent isn’t very good. Unless you like Italian accents that sound Indian. I imagine the Italians don’t.

2. What A Mistaka To Maka. I can’t help it. Without a teacher I revert to learning my Italian from Allo! Allo! clips on YouTube. I keep adding the letter ‘a’ onto anything I say. Oh, and I’m speaking English.

3. Roma! Lazio! The only words I can pronounce with any confidence are the names of football clubs or, indeed, names of footballers. I may get away with randomly shouting ‘Cannavaro!’ and ‘Del Piero!’ but I imagine I would not with ‘Totti!’. And, talking about football, Italy are playing Serbia tomorrow night. Along with many people in the 1990s, I watched Football Italia on Channel 4. And, along with many people, I always assumed the phrase uttered at the end of the opening credits – ‘Golaccio!’ – meant…

4. ‘Goal Lazio!!’. That’s what it sounded like after all. You can see it here if you need reminding/have no idea what I’m going on about. Now ‘Golaccio’ may seem like a sensible thing to say if Lazio’s Sergio Floccari finds the back of the net for his national side. But it wouldn’t be. For the simple reason that the word is actually ‘Golazo’. And it’s Spanish. And despite finding this out, I know it’s not going to make any bloody difference. I am still going to shout ‘Golazo!’ if Italy score. Or Spain. Or Serbia. Or England. Because that’s me. And no one would have me any other way.

5. French. The only language I have ever learnt – apart from English and Latin obviously – is French. And, despite years of trying to forget such nonsense, I still seem to remember a fair bit of it. And the reason I know this is because unwelcome words keeps slipping into my otherwise expertly recited Italian phrases, ‘Buon giorno. Parla inglese, s’il vous plaît?’. If someone started asking me a question in English and then slipped in something about frogs-legs, I’d be furious. I would expect the Italians to be similar.

6. Hands. Whether it’s a myth or not, Italian’s are famous for their hand gestures. So I’ve been practising mine too. So far, I have the ‘bang on desk’, the ‘I’ve got the whole world in my hands’ and the ‘bunny shadow’ gestures in my repetoire. And they make very little sense with my Italian/French/Indian speil.

7. Pizza. I spent much of my time in the week before Rome, practising the pronunciation of pizza names using a Pizza Express menu. As a result I am unlikely to be able to eat anything other than pizza for the whole week. While this is not a problem in itself, the fact that I can only pronounce Margherita with any confidence, could be.

October 11, 2010
7 Reasons That These Proverbs are Nonsensical

1. A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush. Birds are vile, horrid, cruel-eyed, pointy-beaked creatures that flap alarmingly. Why the hell would I want such a thing in my hand? A bird in the hand is a traumatic event. A bird in the hand is worth thousands of pounds in therapy. The proverb does state, correctly, that birds further away from me – in the bush – are of greater value than birds near me, which is true. But what it doesn’t do is stress the greater desirability of no birds in the hand. Or anywhere else. No birds in the hand are more valuable than anything.

2. A rolling stone gathers no moss. Motionless stones also gather no moss. As do shimmying stones, stones moving up-and-down, side-to-side, in uneven circles or dancing the fandango. Stones don’t gather moss. In fact, stones don’t gather anything. They just hang out in the garden or on the beach. Not gathering things.

3. A woman’s place is in the home. Really? But what if I want to use the internet undisturbed, mend bicycles in the kitchen, or break wind? Surely the presence of a woman would hinder me. Also, how would I have met a woman in the first place, if they were all at home? I wouldn’t. Unless I was related to them. Essentially, this proverb encourages incest.

4. Ask a silly question and you’ll get a silly answer. Okay then. I’m not going to dance with a cat this afternoon, what colour cat shouldn’t I dance with?

5. Many a mickle makes a muckle. Errr. Okay. You might also say that many a sparcus makes a sporcus, many a grungle makes a grongle or many a kadookle makes a kanookle. In fact, that’s better. I’ve improved it right there. Now people can say that for hundreds of years for no apparent reason.

6. Ne’er cast a clout till May be out. No beating anyone around the head until after May. Got it. Head-beating season runs from June to December. Couldn’t be clearer. Physical assaults to the head will presumably be frowned upon from January to May (inclusive).

7. Oil and water don’t mix. I’m afraid that BP have successfully disproved that. They have also been successful in eliminating a lot of birds, which helps with proverb one enormously. Well done BP. Solver of Bird Problems. Bloody Priceless. Britain’s Proud.

July 1, 2010
7 Reasons To Walk Backwards

1. Improved Awareness Of The Spacial Kind. When you are walking forwards, you generally don’t think about what is behind you. In fact, I would go so far as to say you are only thinking about what’s in front of you. And maybe that dog to your left. Walk backwards though and not only are you aware of what is in front of you – which is actually behind you – but you are also thinking about what is behind you. Which is actually in front of you.

2. Improved Moves On The Floor Of Dance. The only reason people don’t like dancing is because they are too self-conscious. And they are self-conscious because they are rubbish. So rubbish that they make Rick Astley look like Wayne Sleep. I am one of these people. I do make Astley look like Sleep. Sorry about that. However, I have always thought that – if push came to shove – I’d be able to do that walking backwards move Michael Jackson did. Or the moonwalk as he labelled it. Turns out I can’t. With lots of walking backwards I can only improve though.

3. Improved Chances Of Burning That Fat. Let’s be honest, if you can’t see where you are going you are more likely to walk off in the wrong direction. More walking = less fat.

4. Improved Chances Of Getting To Your Destination Without Moaning. The problem with walking forwards is that you can see your destination. This is usually bloody miles away. Even if it’s the local pub. You can never get there quick enough. It saps all motivation and you are in a bad mood for the rest of the walk. Spin on your heels and walk backwards though and suddenly there is no reason to get in a bad mood. Instead you can concentrate on the local plant life. Or chavs as they are more commonly known.

5. Improved Chances Of Rekindling Your Youth By Playing Bumper Cars* Again. If you walk backwards you will be able to see those who want to try and overtake you. Folding your arms and jinking from side-to-side on the pavement may just convince your nemesis to do the same. Suddenly you are embroiled in the best game of Bumper Cars ever. Even better than when you drove so hard into Ben Watford that he flew backwards and fell over the wall.**

6. Improved Facial Expression Comprehension. I like holding hands (probably because the BBC told me I’m a male lesbian). Generally this is the hand of someone else as opposed to my own. To be precise it’s the hand of the real genius behind most of my posts. (No, not Marc’s). The real genius occasionally lends her hand to me if I’ve been good. The problem is that holding someone else’s hand involves walking side-by-side. This is not the most practical position in which to hold a conversation. Unless you both turn to face each other you can’t see their expressions or indeed where they are looking. As a result she can’t tell if he’s being sarcastic and he can’t tell if she’s talking to him or that horse again. If he walks backwards then they can look at each other. And live happily ever after. Or until she pushes him into the road. Whichever comes first really.

7. Improved Chances Of Reducing Carbon Monoxide. Walking over a zebra crossing backwards – and then spinning on your heels halfway before heading back in the same direction – has to be the quickest way to cause road rage. And thus the removal of licenses.**

*I’m not actually sure how well known Bumper Cars is. Basically, all you do is run around the playground with your arms folded and…erm…bump into people. I don’t do this anymore. I have been banned from the playground.

**That may have just been me. And he was a bully. So it’s okay.

*** Don’t try this at home. (It won’t work. Try the road).

April 29, 2010
7 Reasons That Shaking Hands Is Weird

Shaking hands is a well established custom. That doesn’t mean it isn’t a bit strange though. Here are seven reasons why.

1. Movement. We all know that the handshake developed as a way of demonstrating that the participants were unarmed (that’s the hand part). But what’s with the shake? Why do we move our hands up and down? Why don’t we move our hands from side to side or in a circular motion? Why don’t we jump up and down or stand on one leg? Why not dance the Hokey-Cokey or play the pat-a-cake pat-a-cake game – or am I thinking about Freemasons? Anyway, the up-and-down thing is odd.

2. Spouse. I once congratulated my wife for something or other (forgetting what for is probably the reason I’ve never been nominated for Husband of the Year) by very formally, and firmly, shaking her hand and saying, “Well done, Darling” in a plummy accent. Though funny, it was quite a strange experience. We’d been together for ten years by then and had never shaken hands before. She spontaneously erupted into giggles several times during the remainder of the day. She still thinks it’s one of the funniest things ever. If you want a weird experience, give your partner a firm handshake.

3. Women. Shaking hands with a woman is strange. Kissing a woman is not strange. That’s why I’m a kisser, not a shaker. Men – during their boyhood – are trained to shake hands: Women – during their boyhood – are not trained to shake hands and, consequently, they don’t do it well. I don’t know what women are being trained to do while they’re not being taught to shake hands. Possibly they’re being taught to smell nice.

4. Hygiene. I’m sure we’ve all heard various statistics about the amount of urine found in bar snacks. The urine gets there via contact with hands. Unwashed hands. The same hands that people want you to shake. Shaking hands is an exchange of urine then. Lovely. (There are actually very good reasons not to wash your hands in the men’s toilets at bars – mostly to do with having to touch the taps and the hand dryer. Here’s the rationale: If I thought my hands were dirty, what’s the last part of my body that I would touch with them? That’s right. And I’m not so inept that I ever piss on my own hands, so they don’t need washing afterwards. And I now realise that I’ve become distracted from writing about handshakes and am writing about my penis, which is not really how Jon or I envisaged 7 Reasons going: It’s more how I imagined psychotherapy going. So, anyway, back to handshaking…)

5. (…or not) Penises. While it’s on my mind: Men spend a lot of time touching their penises. Also, men shake hands a lot. So, when men shake hands, they’re touching penises by proxy. This is bad. Heterosexual men do not want to do this. In fact, direct penis-to-penis contact between two heterosexual men is the worst thing that can happen in the world: worse than anything that can happen in the Large Hadron Collider; worse than being eaten by a horse; worse even, than a day-trip to Whitstable. The proxy-penis-contact that comes about by the shaking of hands isn’t as bad as direct contact, but it’s definitely not a good thing. I may never shake another hand again after that thought.

6. Left-handed-handshakes. The Italian word for left is sinistra, it’s where we get the word sinister from. Obviously, in these enlightened times, we know that there’s nothing inherently evil about being left-handed. Handshaking with your left hand is a thoroughly bad thing though. The correct response to anyone who offers you their left hand is to take a step backwards, stare at their hand and think “git”.

7. Dogs. One of the first things most dog-owners train their dog to do is proffer its paw for a “hand” shake. Why? Why is this pointless exercise given priority over training them to use the toilet, teaching them not to chase cyclists or getting them not to stick their many-toothed-snouts into the crotches of terrified house-guests? Who the hell wants to shake hands with a dog?

April 28, 2010