7 Reasons

Tag: hand

  • 7 Reasons Not To Elbow Someone Whilst Sleeping

    7 Reasons Not To Elbow Someone Whilst Sleeping

    Last week you found out that my girlfriend and I discuss potatoes in bed, well today you are going to discover that she elbows me in the neck whilst sleeping. But this post is not so much for the benefit of her as it is for everyone. The simple fact is this: elbowing people whilst sleeping is bad. Here’s why:7 Reasons Not To Elbow Someone Whilst Sleeping

    1.  Sides. Like most couples, my girlfriend and I have dedicated sides of the bed. I am on the left with 80% of the duvet, Claire is on the right shivering. Now, if like me you never venture from your side of the bed, it means your fellow sleep partner must be breaking bed protocol if her (or his) elbow is making contact with your neck. In such situations you do have to wonder why you had to nominate sides in the first place.

    2.  Damage. Of course, before you wonder about why you agreed to nominate sides, you need to inspect your injuries. In my case I had to check I was still breathing. Thankfully I was, but an elbow protruding into my trachea made it much harder than it usually is. Still, I am one of the lucky ones. Other injuries you may suffer from being elbowed in bed include: a black eye, a broken nose, a fat lip, a dislocated jaw and a wobbly tooth. And that’s just on your face. If you sleep upside down it could be a whole lot worse.

    3.  Reflex. Generally when people feel pain, their first reaction is to react. This probably isn’t news. If you are asleep and someone disturbs you by elbowing you it would be very natural for you to instinctively punch them in the face. Satisfying, yes. Sensible, not really. Especially when you consider that a reflex of being punched in the face is to kick out. You could quite easily end up having a pillow fight. Without the pillows.

    4.  Retaliation. Maybe you manage to avoid reacting instinctively though. Possibly because you are already awake. You can’t let your partner get away with it! They’ve just whacked you in the face. This is when you start turning to dark places. (Unless you switched the light on to work out what the bloody hell just took your head off.) Thoughts turn to revenge. Should you kick them? Knee them? Pinch them? Poke them? Slap them? Chances are you won’t do any of them, but thanks to your partner you stay awake all night thinking nasty thoughts. Then you’re cranky all day. You snap at people. You argue with people. You put salt in people’s coffee. Then, come 6pm, you have no friends left. And all because the lady loves Milk Tray elbowed you up the nostril.

    5.  Moving. In something of a design flaw, when someone elbows you whilst they are asleep, they rarely move their arm back to its rightful place. As a result you have to move it for them. Which is not as easy as it sounds. Joints were only designed to move in certain directions and usually the only direction it wants to go is further into your eye socket. Generally speaking, the only solution here is for you to move. Probably downstairs to the sofa bed.

    6.  Dreams. As I do on most nights, I was dreaming in my sleep. Last night’s adventure was particularly exciting as I was unbeaten on 245 and Shane Watson had just pulled a hamstring. It was a pleasant change to his usual trick where he pulls a hamster from a Tesco carrier bag. So there I was watching Shaun Tait jog in from the Michael Jackson Statue End (we were playing in Fulham) when I lost sight of the ball. Next thing I knew it had smacked me in the throat. Which is when I woke up with a start and realised that not only had I been dreaming, but Claire had been the one to spoil my moment with a viciously placed elbow. Pathetic.*

    7.  Petty. If you have an issue with someone, elbow them in the face when you are awake. That way they’ll know exactly how you feel. Doing it while you are ‘asleep’ is childish and, as detailed above, helps no one.

    *When I did get back to sleep, Janet Street-Porter yorked me first ball. One of us were also naked. That’s the stuff nightmares are made of.

  • Russian Roulette Sunday: The Images

    Russian Roulette Sunday: The Images

    Hello!  Happy Sunday! (or Friday, if you’re one of the 7 Reasons team editing this post before scheduling it for Sunday)

    Images are very important to us here at 7 Reasons and we always try to put them together in-house because, though what we post usually isn’t about an image, there’s always at least one picture attached to what we’ve  written.  We wanted to communicate the significance that we place on arresting and original visuals to you, so we decided that today we would chose three each of our favourite images from previous posts (plus one we’d used from Google Images by way of contrast) and hold an earnest and thoughtful contemplation of the importance of imagery in our posts and the technical and aesthetic merits of the selected illustrations as pieces of artwork.  Obviously we failed, so here’s Marc Fearns and Jonathan Lee bickering about pictures instead.

    Hitler’s Hand

    Originally used in 7 Reasons That Size is Important.

    MF.  This is probably my favourite of the images I’ve put together for 7 Reasons.  It’s not technically brilliant (in fact, it’s quite flawed), but boring stuff aside, it ticks all of my boxes: It’s black and white; It has Hitler in it; it has some sort of Photoshop-induced oddity (the big hand), and it has a random, bizarre element to it (the triangle apparently embedded in Himmler’s head).  If it weren’t for Jon’s civilising influence, 7 Reasons would probably look a lot more like World War II than it does already.

    JL. I have a serious problem with this image. It seems to suggest the Nazis were very handy. The Nazis were not very handy. They weren’t even quite handy. The Nazis were rather irritating and quite frankly caused more harm than good. I also have a problem with Himmler. Unlike Marc I am not struck by the triangle in his head, but his the binoculars. Why did Himmler need binoculars? Was he a part time ornithologist? Was he a pervert? Why are they pointing at his trousers? This picture provides more questions than answers. And that I find rather frustrating.

    7 Reasons Playing With A Cuddly Toy 2010 Was Not A Let Down
    Lamb & Jon Photoshoot

    Originally used in 7 Reasons Playing With A Cuddly Toy 2010 Was Not A Let Down.

    JL. I like this picture because I look like an idiot. And in this life there just aren’t enough people prepared to be idiots. Sure, there are idiotic people, but that’s by accident. It takes a very special kind of person to deliberately make themselves look like an idiot and I am very proud to say I am very special. It also reminds me of that great day last September with Lamb. Oh, what fun was had. Rock on.

    MF.  I’m less keen on this picture than Jon.  While it does feature a pair of Aviators, which is always a good thing, it’s lacking something quite fundamental.  Hitler.  Or the war generally.  Also, outside of the framing, there barely a straight line in it.  And what’s with the archway?  What sort of oddball has an archway in their house?  And he’s wearing a hat indoors which, as any grandparent would be very keen to point out, is a #manfail.  The only thing that makes this image good is the albino monkey.

    The Anglo-French Flag

    Originally used in 7 Reasons The Anglo-Franco Defence Agreement is a Good Idea

    MF.  This Anglo-French flag is something that I’m rather proud of. I constructed it from a picture of a British flag, a picture of a French flag and a picture of a silk sheet (which is how I got the creased fluttering effect). It wasn’t even in the post itself, it was the featured image, which means that it appears next to the post on menus as a thumbnail and it was in the Latest Posts window at the top of our home page for five days. You might wonder why I’d go to such an effort to create an image that would be barely seen but, to me anyway, that sort of detail is important, and I like to think that 7 Reasons is all the better for having high standards. That the image of the intertwined British and French flags brought Jon to near-apoplexy is purely coincidence.

    JL. As Marc indicates, this picture absolutely disgusts me. I don’t mind the United Kingdom and France joining forces if we are beating up some bad guys, but to merge the Union Jack with the Drapeau Tricolore is nothing less than treason. I have had to ask myself many searching questions since Marc posted this. Should I turn him in? Can I continue to work with him? How the hell did he get that creased fluttering effect? In the end I have allowed Marc to remain living his life in York. The prospect of writing 7 Reasons on a daily basis was just too much to deal with. Rest-assured though, he’s had a warning. A severe one. And, as he’s posted it again, I shall be poking him on facebook too.

    7 Reasons You Should Never Get Cary Grant & Carrie Grant Mixed Up
    Beauty & The Beast

    Originally used in 7 Reasons You Should Never Get Cary Grant & Carrie Grant Mixed Up.

    JL. Let me clarify one thing, I don’t have a ‘Cary Grant dressed as a woman’ fantasy. I think it’s important to remind you of this now as I can see why you may be thinking such a thing. It’s a disturbing sight. I don’t think there is any getting away from that. So why do I love it? Well that comes down to the photoshopping. Do you know how difficult it is finding a picture of Cary Grant and a picture of Carrie Grant that will go together seemlessly? No, of course you don’t. The consequences of your actions rarely lead you to such an investigation. The consequences of starting 7 Reasons very much do. So, yes, I was delighted that I found two pictures that would work together. It’s not perfect. If I had my time again I would do a bit of work on their skin tones, but for the purpose of the post it did the job. And in 7 Reasons circles that means victory.

    MF. For once, I agree with absolutely everything that Jon said about this image.  In his third sentence.  I do, however, have some observations of my own.  Firstly, bloody Twilight: When you’re a vampire and you’re not even the scariest person in the background of a picture, you’re doing it wrong and you should just bloody stop.  Secondly, there’s a terrifying bald man wearing an ill-fitting white suit and eyeliner with someone’s severed arm tucked under his own arm.  I haven’t slept properly since I saw this.  Thirdly, I find Jon’s Cary/Carrie Grant hybrid creature more attractive than the actual Carrie Grant.  Or Cary Grant.  This is troubling.  And Jon never responds to my emails begging him to photoshop more of them.

    Lungs, Heart, Asparagus.

    Originally used in 7 Reasons That We Should Grow Vegetables in our Lungs.

    MF. I put this one together to complement the title of the piece. It’s an original x-ray with the heart and lungs highlighted which I found online and added asparagus to. I’ve chosen this image not just because I’m pleased with the way it turned out, though I am rather. I’ve chosen it because of the almost boundless amusement it gives me every time someone discovers it searching Google Images for x-rays of lungs. I just like knowing that at any given moment someone, somewhere in the world is looking at it thinking, “Blimey! (or perhaps a colloquial equivalent) That looks nasty. I’m going to treat asparagus with more respect now”. I feel certain that one day, this picture will turn up in a medical journal, or on a GP’s surgery wall.

    JL. Who eats asparagus whole? Is that even possible? This is just one of the 7 Reasons images that has inspired readers all over the road. A bit like that man in Norwich who – having been so inspired by a post last June – tried to break the world record for number of Jaffa Cakes eaten in one minute and was subsequently sick all over the biscuit aisle. Now, I am not for a minute encouraging you to see how much whole asparagus you can eat at once – that would be highly irresponsible of us – but if you manage more than five I would love to know.

    7 Reasons To Kiss Properly
    Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang

    Originally used in 7 Reasons You Should Always Kiss Properly.

    JL. I know what you are thinking, ‘Typical Jon. Two of his three image choices feature him.” Yep, I can’t argue with maths. But let’s look at this photo. At least for as long a you feel comfortable doing so. It is an animated GIF! How bloody exciting! But more than that it is a reminder. A reminder of how far my kissing technique has advanced since last March and – if you’ve been using the above as some kind of guide – how far backwards yours has gone. Lovely stuff.

    MF.  “AAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!” was my initial reaction to this image when I first saw it eleven months ago.  And now that I am older, wiser and more mature, on reviewing this image I would say that my reaction is now AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!”.  Note that Jon has attempted to baffle us with maths to distract from the inherent narcissism of his selections, but let’s consider it carefully.  This, as Jon points out, is an animated GIF, so it’s not one picture of him, it’s three pictures of him.  This means that four out of Jon’s five image choices are of himself.  That’s 80%.  Anyway, that aside, I like this picture.  On the first occasion I viewed it I remembered that I was supposed to unblock the kitchen sink, and the repeat viewing has caused me to agree with my wife that I spend too long on the internet and I’ve now closed my laptop, sellotaped it shut and placed it under a sofa.  With an anvil on top.

    Raw Sausages

    Originally used in 7 Reasons That December 24th Should be Known as the Day of the Sausage.

    MF.  Aha!  I remember this piece.  Sadly, I also remember this picture.  It makes me feel sick.  It’s not just that the raw former-animal bits are shiny and greasy looking and some of them appear to be inside used condoms, it’s that I don’t even remember which of us added this to the (co-written) piece.  I realise what must have been going through the mind of the person that uploaded it.  “Sausages!  Sausages!  We’ve written a piece about sausages and now I need an image of sausages – any image of sausages – right now, to go with the piece about sausages!” And, in the grip of a deadline-panic, that person will have just grabbed the first image of sausages that they saw and attached it to the post.  Truly horrible.

    JL. This is a perfect example of what one calls, ‘shooting oneself in the foot’. Not that I shot myself, Marc shot me. And himself. And our argument. Using this image kind of reminds me of that day I sent my CV out to dozens of prospective employers and realised a week later that it didn’t contain my contact details. That section about my ‘outstanding attention to detail’ lost all credibility after that. Now, I’m not saying that the idea of the Day of the Sausage lost credibility with the inclusion of this image, just that – if such a day ever was created – Marc and I would not be part of the marketing team. And that’s sad.

  • 7 Reasons That Shaking Hands Is Weird

    7 Reasons That Shaking Hands Is Weird

    Shaking hands is a well established custom.  That doesn’t mean it isn’t a bit strange though.  Here are seven reasons why.

    The hands of two suited men engaged in a handshake (hand shake, shaking hands).

    1.  Movement. We all know that the handshake developed as a way of demonstrating that the participants were unarmed (that’s the hand part).  But what’s with the shake?  Why do we move our hands up and down?  Why don’t we move our hands from side to side or in a circular motion?  Why don’t we jump up and down or stand on one leg?  Why not dance the Hokey-Cokey or play the pat-a-cake pat-a-cake game – or am I thinking about Freemasons?  Anyway, the up-and-down thing is odd.

    2.  Spouse. I once congratulated my wife for something or other (forgetting what for is probably the reason I’ve never been nominated for Husband of the Year) by very formally, and firmly, shaking her hand and saying, “Well done, Darling” in a plummy accent.  Though funny, it was quite a strange experience.  We’d been together for ten years by then and had never shaken hands before.  She spontaneously erupted into giggles several times during the remainder of the day.  She still thinks it’s one of the funniest things ever.  If you want a weird experience, give your partner a firm handshake.

    3.  Women. Shaking hands with a woman is strange.  Kissing a woman is not strange. That’s why I’m a kisser, not a shaker.  Men – during their boyhood – are trained to shake hands:  Women – during their boyhood – are not trained to shake hands and, consequently, they don’t do it well.  I don’t know what women are being trained to do while they’re not being taught to shake hands.  Possibly they’re being taught to smell nice.

    4.  Hygiene. I’m sure we’ve all heard various statistics about the amount of urine found in bar snacks.  The urine gets there via contact with hands.  Unwashed hands.  The same hands that people want you to shake.  Shaking hands is an exchange of urine then.  Lovely.  (There are actually very good reasons not to wash your hands in the men’s toilets at bars – mostly to do with having to touch the taps and the hand dryer.  Here’s the rationale:  If I thought my hands were dirty, what’s the last part of my body that I would touch with them?  That’s right.  And I’m not so inept that I ever piss on my own hands, so they don’t need washing afterwards.  And I now realise that I’ve become distracted from writing about handshakes and am writing about my penis, which is not really how Jon or I envisaged 7 Reasons going:  It’s more how I imagined psychotherapy going.  So, anyway, back to handshaking…)

    5.  (…or not) Penises. While it’s on my mind:  Men spend a lot of time touching their penises.  Also, men shake hands a lot.  So, when men shake hands, they’re touching penises by proxy.  This is bad.  Heterosexual men do not want to do this.  In fact, direct penis-to-penis contact between two heterosexual men is the worst thing that can happen in the world:  worse than anything that can happen in the Large Hadron Collider; worse than being eaten by a horse; worse even, than a day-trip to Whitstable.  The proxy-penis-contact that comes about by the shaking of hands isn’t as bad as direct contact, but it’s definitely not a good thing.  I may never shake another hand again after that thought.

    6.  Left-handed-handshakes. The Italian word for left is sinistra, it’s where we get the word sinister from.  Obviously, in these enlightened times, we know that there’s nothing inherently evil about being left-handed.  Handshaking with your left hand is a thoroughly bad thing though.  The correct response to anyone who offers you their left hand is to take a step backwards, stare at their hand and think “git”.

    7.  Dogs. One of the first things most dog-owners train their dog to do is proffer its paw for a “hand” shake.  Why?  Why is this pointless exercise given priority over training them to use the toilet, teaching them not to chase cyclists or getting them not to stick their many-toothed-snouts into the crotches of terrified house-guests?  Who the hell wants to shake hands with a dog?