7 Reasons

Tag: Great Britain

  • Guest Post: 7 Reasons To Still Visit Greece

    Guest Post: 7 Reasons To Still Visit Greece

    It might be beset by strikes and economic problems but it’s still a great place to visit. Here’s why…

    7 Reasons To Still Visit Greece
    The Acropolis: It will be nice when it’s finished. Photo by Dan Cross.

    1.  It’s Cheap. It is terrible to think of Greek people struggling with lower wages and higher prices but there are some fantastic holiday offers for Britons to take advantage of by visiting Greece. Some tour operators are cutting the price of Greek holidays by up to 60 per cent. This effectively means that you can get two holidays for the price of one – if you can find anyone to travel with you.

    2.  Citizen Journalism Opportunities. With strikes and protests common on the streets of Athens there are plenty of fantastic opportunities for British citizen journalists to cut their teeth by recording some great front-line footage. A quick look at internet forums show that many Greek people think that reports of anarchy in their country have been greatly exaggerated. Are they right? There’s only one way of finding out…

    3.  To Annoy William Hague. British Foreign Secretary William Hague clearly isn’t keen on Britons travelling to Greece. In February he incurred the wrath of tour operators by announcing plans to evacuate Britons from Greece in the event of major civil unrest. Britons have never liked being told what to do and, just like Bluebeard telling his wives that they must never enter his forbidden room, discouraging us from going somewhere just excites our determination to do just that.

    4.  To Support Our Fellow European Nations. Even a cursory glance at the film Captain Corelli’s Mandolin shows us just how much the Greek people suffered during the Second World War. Now is the time to join together and support a fellow European nation in their hour of need.

    5.  To Annoy The Germans. The Germans are clearly not happy about bailing out the Greeks. Expressing support for Greece – by visiting their beautiful country – could well provoke the ire of a nation with which it has a troubled relationship (again, see Captain Correlli’s Mandolin).

    6.  To See Sights Of Great Sporting Importance. Greece is the cradle of sporting civilisation – this is where the Olympics began many moons ago. So British sports fans should feel very at home when visiting the ancient crumbling sites where Greek gladiators fought for their livelihood.

    7.  To Escape The Olympic Hype. Alternatively, if you’re a Briton who is not keen on sport and wants to escape the Olympic hype this summer then Greece is just the place to visit. Touring the ancient crumbling remains of the country offers the perfect escape route and might afford a frightening glimpse of what London’s Olympic Stadium could look like in a few years’ time!

    Author Bio: James Christie writes for airport parking and hotel provider BookFHR. If you’re travelling to Greece, do so in style by booking a hotel near Gatwick for the night before your flight.

  • Guest Post: 7 Reasons To Celebrate The Diamond Jubilee

    Guest Post: 7 Reasons To Celebrate The Diamond Jubilee

    7 Reasons To Celebrate The Diamond Jubilee

    1.  Time Off Work. The first reason to celebrate the Queen’s Diamond Jubilee for many people will be the fact that we won’t have to work between the dates Saturday 2nd June to Tuesday 5th June (inclusive). This upcoming period is often excitedly referred to as a four-day holiday although to be fair two of the days are Saturday and Sunday anyway and we don’t call weekends two-day holidays do we? Still, for everyone, apart from people such as self-employed workers, police staff and BBC royal correspondents, it’s a good chance to forget about the stresses of work.

    2.  Diamond Jubilees Happen But Once In A Lifetime. Few of us, if any, are likely to see another Diamond Jubilee celebration in our lifetimes. The earliest possible date that Prince Charles could celebrate his Diamond Jubilee in is the year 2072 by which time he would be 123. We might not get a chance to celebrate another Diamond Jubilee so let’s enjoy this one!

    3.  The British Monarch Is Unique. The Queen’s Diamond Jubilee provides a great opportunity to celebrate how unique British culture is. For instance, how many other Queens of the world can you name (bear in mind that American hip-hop star Queen Latifah isn’t a real queen)?*

    4.  Rock Stars Playing In Dangerous Locations. What better way is there to mark another royal milestone than by having a rock star perform a song in a dangerous location? At the Queen’s 2002 Golden Jubilee celebrations, Queen guitarist Brian May re-interpreted God Save The Queen on the rooftop of Buckingham Palace. This has heightened anticipation about which rock star will perform at high-altitude during the Diamond Jubilee celebrations. Perhaps royal favourite Elton John will haul his piano on to the Buck Palace rooftop to hammer out a specially-composed song.

    5.  It’s A Good Chance To See The Queen In England. It’s great to see the Queen on her globe-trotting travels but the Diamond Jubilee means that, for the duration of her tour of Britain, we will get her all to ourselves.

    6.  The Duke Of Edinburgh. The Diamond Jubilee is also a fine opportunity to acknowledge the Duke of Edinburgh’s sterling service during the Queen’s reign. The monarch’s consort has often tried to be “seen but not heard” but, thankfully, Prince Phillip has never been shy of speaking his mind. It is likely that Camilla and Princess Katherine will have very different styles when they become consort.

    7. Long-Service Award. It’s easy to forget that most women of the Queen’s age have been retired for over a quarter of a century. Even on the day of her latest Jubilee she will still be ‘on duty’!

    *Queen Beatrix of the Netherlands is the only one I can name.

    Author Bio: James Christie writes for kids craft company Baker Ross. Check out the fabulous range of Diamond Jubilee crafts at the Baker Ross website.

  • 7 Reasons The British Obsession With Weather Is A Myth

    7 Reasons The British Obsession With Weather Is A Myth

    This evening sees a new programme come to BBC One. It’s called The Great British Weather and features Alexander Henry Fenwick Armstrong, Chris Hollins and Carol Kirkwood telling us why we are obsessed with weather. Well, let us tell you something right now. We aren’t. And that’s ‘we’ in royal sense too. We really aren’t. It’s a complete myth. Here’s why:

    7 Reasons The British Obsession With Weather Is A Myth
    1.  Greeting. It is often commented upon that talk of the weather is the first topic of conversation one enters when meeting someone else. That is certainly true here at 7 Reasons sofaquarters. When Marc and I park our posteriors on the cushions of destiny our first acknowledgement is that we arrived rather wet. Or, if it’s not Summer, rather dry. This is not because we particularly care about the weather, it’s because this is how the British greet each other. The Americans comment on how many pancakes they had that morning, the Japanese comment on how tall they are feeling and the French snog each other. It’s an ice-breaker.

    2.  Meaning. The word ‘obsession’ means, according to my sources, the domination of one’s thoughts. To dominate your thoughts I reckon the subject must be thought about at least 50% of the time. And if that failed to make sense, read the next sentence – it’s much clearer. For someone to be obsessed with the weather they need to be thinking of the weather more than twelve hours a day. And not even South East Today’s weather girl, Kaddy-Lee Preston, does that. I know this because she likes break dancing, techno music and goats. And as I am sure you’ll know, when you’ve got goats on the brain there is simply not enough time to get obsessed with weather.

    3.  Stats. In a Daily Telegraph article last October, Murray Wardrop (apparently the unthinking man’s Murray Walker) said this, ‘Our obsession with the weather runs so deep that almost 70% of British people check the weather forecast at least once a day’. No Murray dear, this is not because we are obsessed, it is because we don’t want to wear our Bermuda shorts if it’s going to be a monsoon out there. I go to the fridge at least five times a day. Does this make me obsessed with the little light that goes on and off as I open and close the door? I think not.

    4.  Observation. “Good gracious,” I exclaimed, “she’s a big girl!” Those are the very words I used the other day when watching a TV programme. I can’t remember what it was, but I remember the big girl. Now, I didn’t say these words because I am obsessed with big girls. I’m not. Nor am I obsessed with small girls if that’s what you are wondering. In fact I never have been. Except when I was small myself. It seemed acceptable then. Anyway, I seem to be veering from the point. The reason I exclaimed that there was a big girl on the TV is because I was surprised. I genuinely wasn’t expecting someone quite so vuluptuous to appear right there, right then. Which is why I felt the need to announce my observation to anyone who would listen. It is exactly the same situation as if I had looked to my left and noticed whites flakes. “Good gracious,” I would have exclaimed, “it’s snowing in July!”. The line between observation and obsession is so vast I am astounded people can blur it so readily.

    5.  Media. Remember the Big Freeze last year that killed 60,000 people? No, neither do I. Though that is what the Sunday Express sensationally suggested.

    7 Reasons The British Obsession With Weather Is A Myth

    It’s the British tabloid press that are obsessed with the weather and sadly we, the public, are tarred with the same brush. I suppose we should be thankful that the revelations of the last few weeks mean The Sunday Express are very unlikely to continue hacking Michael Fish’s phone.

    6.  Popular Culture. The film The Day After Tomorrow – which was pretty much an entire celebration of extreme weather – brought in just over £25 Million at the UK box office. In the same year Spider-Man 2 brought in nearly £1.5 Million more. Admitedly the film did feature Raindrops Keep Falling On My Head, but if you are suggesting we went to watch it just because of that I won’t believe you. Just to be on the safe side though, Shrek 2 brought is nearly £48 Million in the UK alone. And at no point is the weather mentioned. So I think that proves, in 2004 at least, Brits were more obsessed by Cameron Diaz looking like a green ugly thing than the weather.

    7.  Me. If the British obsession with the weather wasn’t a myth; if it were as true as you and I existing on this very day; if we all loved rain and shine and celebrated each as we celebrate our birthday. Yours is the Earth and everything that’s in it, and – which is more  – you’ll be a Man, my son! Then I wouldn’t be wasting my morning writing about the blasted thing would I?

    *The Great British Weather starts on BBC One tonight at 7.30pm. Yay!

  • 7 Reasons That Question 17 is Frustrating

    7 Reasons That Question 17 is Frustrating

    This is Question 17 in the Individual Questions section of the UK Census.  It’s “intentionally blank” and will drive you slowly mad.  Here are seven reasons why.

    Question seventeen in the individual questions section of the 2011 UK Census

     

    1.  Why Is It Intentionally Blank? What is the intention?  Why?  Why? Why?  Why, oh why, oh why, oh why?  I had to go online to find out why.  Apparently it’s a question about the Welsh language.  But wait, I’ve seen the Welsh language and it isn’t invisible. And if it was then the answer would be blank too, so there’d be no point in asking the question in the first place.  And why would you just state that it’s been left intentionally blank?  Why not just remove it?  Is there some sort of nefarious purpose to it?  Should we don our foil hats before completing the census?  Should we be afraid?  I’m afraid.

     

    2.  It’s A Temptation.   While I was online I checked Twitter.  Which is where I saw this:

    A tweet from Twops Twips who used to be more the sensibly monikered Top Tips.

    Now there are some things that people should never ever see.  The insides of other people; anything to do with Harry Potter and daytime television are all high up the list.  But higher than that, higher than anything else, the absolute worst thing they can see is any sort of suggestion that they should draw a cock in a box on an official document.  Obviously that’s what they’ll want to do right at that moment, with every fibre of their being.  But they can’t because they’d have their tax raised or be sent to prison or something.  And that just makes it all the more of a temptation.  Essentially question 17 is a form of torture in which we are forced to wrestle our primal urge to undermine authority and officialdom by drawing a cock.

     

    3.  It’s Not Actually Blank.  It’s got words in it.  I can see them, they’re right there at the top of the box telling us that it’s blank.  But that’s a lie.  It’s the most blatant example of officialdom fibbing to us since Jeffrey Archer had any power.  It’s like a spoon that says “I am not a spoon”.  It’s not exactly like a talking spoon, I grant you, but it is in the sense that it is lying.  Badly.

     

    4.  It’s Not A Question.  The text above question 17 states that “This question is intentionally left blank”.  But in a similar manner to the age-old philosophical question (if a butterfly beats its wings in a forest in China does a tree fall on a deaf person on the other side of the world?) question seventeen gives us food for thought.  If a question isn’t a question is it still a question?  When is a question not a question?  What do you even call a question that isn’t a question?  It’s certainly perplexing.  It turns out that when a question isn’t a question it raises more questions than it does answers, but after a long, careful deliberation I can state with some certainty that: it isn’t; when it doesn’t contain a question; I don’t know; my brain hurts.  But it’s definitely not a question.  This further complicates matters.

     

    5.  Numbers.  After the lie about the question being left blank, they helpfully tell you to go to 18.  But question 18 isn’t question 18, is it?  It’s question 17.  Because the blank box with a fib in it is no more a question than I am an owl or a plant-pot. This means that the entire numbering system for the remainder of the census is incorrect.  Question 24 (which is actually question 23) says if you are aged 16 or over you should go to 25 (which is numbered 26).  But that’s not a question at all; it’s an instruction.  So question 25 is actually the 23rd question.

     

    6.  But Wait.  No it isn’t.  Because question 11 in the Individual Questions section isn’t a question either.  It’s also an instruction.  So question 25 is actually the 22nd question.  This means that all the numbers in the Individual Questions section are wrong from question 10 (which isn’t a question) on. I haven’t been this confused since…ever.  This is even more confusing than being married to a woman.  And less fun.

     

    7.  The Bastards! And the civil servants/bureaucrats/number crunchers/census-bastards haven’t just cocked up their own census.  They’ve buggered up the title of this post, which is now incorrect.  There are still seven reasons here (which is an improvement on Monday when I spent an hour trying to come up with a seventh reason only to discover that it was, in fact, the eighth and had to remove one) but this isn’t 7 Reasons That Question 17 is Frustrating any more.  It’s 7 Reasons That Question 17 Which Is Not A Question At All And Even If It Were It Would Be Number 16 But It’s Not And Furthermore It’s A Liar Is Frustrating.  I’ve read books shorter than that title.  I won’t even be able to fit it on Twitter.  Does our reader even have a screen that wide?  Right, census-mongers!  I’m drawing a cock in your blank box right now and I’m posting it back to you tomorrow.  On fire.

     

  • 7 Reasons The BBC Should Find Better Interviewees

    7 Reasons The BBC Should Find Better Interviewees

    You may have read yesterday that Cadbury’s Dairy Milk has been downsized. I didn’t, I read it today thanks to a retweet by regular 7 Reasons guest writer Rachel. If you want to read it, it’s here. I advise you stay here though as I have important words to share. Basically, instead of 140g of chocolate, Cadbury’s Dairy Milk is now just 120g. That’s two squares of Dairy Milk gone. At first I was furious. But as I scrolled down the page I became bemused. The BBC had decided to get the views of the Great British public. And between you and me they didn’t do a very good job. Here’s why:

    BBC Vox Pops

    1.  Stereotyping. Imogen looks like a nice girl, but deep down she has been influenced by stereotypical viewpoints uttered all around us. I quote, “Cadbury has been taken over by an American company. You would have thought it would have got larger.” Why Imogen? Because all American people are supposedly fat? Disgraceful.

    2.  Gibberish. Again, Michael looks like a nice guy. Apart from his earring. That’s silly. But it’s not what he looks like that really bothers me. It’s what he says. I quote, “…i guess if you are into being aware about what’s happening…”. Yeah bro, I’m into being aware. In fact all my bruvs and sistas are. It’s well wicked. Boi-akka-sha. Dear me. It’s not a bloody hobby. You don’t wake up one day and think, ‘You know what, I’m going to get into being aware’. Being aware is a natural state. You either are aware or you are not.

    3.  Knowledge. If I was to ask you to interview someone for an article I was writing about film piracy, I would hope you would find someone who had an interest in films. Likewise, in this situation,  I would have expected an establishment such as the BBC to find interviewees who like chocolate. On the most part they have. But Christian clearly doesn’t. How can he not have a favourite chocolate bar? That’s madness.

    4.  Observation. Florence looks happy, but she is probably one Caramel short of a box of Celebrations. I quote, “I think they are selling a lot bigger bars now.” Yes love, that’s because you are looking at the King-Size section.

    5.  Logic. It doesn’t get better for Florence, bless her, “I always feel like the packeted chocolate, I open it up and there’s less than half in the bag.” That’s because you’ve eaten most of it in the queue for the till. And anyway, the only way there can be less than half in the bag is if you’ve eaten more than half. If it’s the first time you open the bag, how can there be less than half in there? How ever much is in the bag – no matter how big or small – it is still 100% of the contents.

    6.  Memory. Last thing Florence, you say, “I feel like I’ve been robbed. It’s so disappointing.” Judging by that it means it has happened more than once. If you feel like you’ve been robbed and your disappointed in the product, why on earth would you keep buying it? Stop it. Now. You’ll feel much better. That is the 7 Reasons promise.

    7.  Plonkership. “We can understand why the prices have had to go up like that, but we’d rather it had gone up in price and we got more chocolate, then it would be the same money for less chocolate.” How does that work then? You put the price up yet the price stays the same. You get more chocolate at the same time as getting less chocolate. Genius boys. If you could get in touch and write a guest post explaining why the egg came before the chicken that would be awesome.

  • 7 Reasons That The Pole Vault is Weird

    7 Reasons That The Pole Vault is Weird

    It’s almost Christmas, dear readers, and what better and more seasonal topic is there to ruminate over than the pole vault?  Well, possibly just about any other topic but, as I was lying in bed, unwell, with a bit of a fever, my thoughts naturally turned to the pole vault (well, whose wouldn’t?) and it struck me that the pole vault is really, really weird.  Here’s why.

    South Korea (Korean) Pole Vaulter Kim Yoo Suk
    …and so does your sport.

    1.  Titular Obscurity.  We all know what the pole vault is, because we’re introduced to it at a young age.  But what if we didn’t know?  Other athletics events are titularly obvious; the high jump; the long jump, we know what to expect from those just by their names.   But what would we expect to see if told that we were about to witness the pole vault?  It sounds like someone jumping over a pole, or a cellar for keeping Polish people in.  Or leaping over a Polish person.  Or Polish people vaulting.  Or a storage area for poles.  What the name doesn’t convey is anything at all about what you can expect to see, which is a Russian man with a stick jumping over a bar (which doesn’t resemble the sort of bar that you’d want to frequent at all, it’s just another stick the other way up, balanced between two other sticks).  It’s literally all sticks.  I would rather watch the cellar full of Polish people.

    2.  It’s Cheating.  The closest relation to the pole vault must surely be the high jump; an event in which athletes compete to see who can jump the highest – something that we can all identify with and can do ourselves at home.  But the pole vault takes the noble pursuit of seeing who can leap the highest, and adds a long pole into the mix so that competitors can go three times as high as they would naturally be able to.  But why?  Of course you can go higher if you have a ruddy great stick to help you.  I can swim much faster than normal if I’m wearing flippers and Speedos with jet propulsion, but that doesn’t make me a good swimmer.   Fortunately, I doubt that they’re going to make the 100 metres backstroke with flippers and jet-thrusting-pants an Olympic event alongside the regular swimming any time soon, which is a good thing, because I’d look bloody stupid in that getup and I never win anything anyway.  And it would be weird, and we already have the pole vault for that.

    3.  They’re Missing The Point.  Pole vaulters vault to see who can vault the highest, but that’s not even the point of vaulting.  Because vaulting originated as a way for the Dutch to cross dykes (everyone glad that I’m not AA Gill at this moment?  Good, me too).  So the true measure of the vaulter’s prowess should be distance.  In short, they’re doing it wrong.  Let’s make them vault over a river; that would be true to the origins of the sport and a damned sight more entertaining.  They’re missing the point of their own sport.

    4. Exclusion.  It keeps better events out of the Olympics.  Because I don’t need to know who can jump very high with the help of a big stick.  I want to see people test the limits of human performance without artificial aid.  Do you know what I want to know?  I want to know how fast people can spin, because we just don’t know that.  I propose the one minute spin, an event in which each competitor stands within a circle a metre in diameter and has a minute in which to spin as many times as possible (clockwise or anti-clockwise, it’s freestyle), and the winner is the person who attains the highest rate of RPM.  That’s what I want to see, and then I want to watch them trying to walk back to their chairs and attempting to put their tracksuit bottoms back on.  Because that sort of spectacle would make the Olympics ten times better.

    5.  The Equipment Is Unwieldy.  And what right-minded person would take up the bloody sport in the first place?  If I were tall, athletic and good at going over bars (rather than sitting behind them. Still, two out of three isn’t bad) I’d choose the high jump.  Because it’s exactly the same as the pole vault, but you don’t have to lug a pole around with you as a part of your kit.  Because taking up the pole vault is like taking up the double bass or the tuba.  It’s absolutely ridiculous.  What if you were reliant on public transport?  How would you fancy trying to get on a rush-hour tube train with a seventeen foot long pole?  It’s difficult enough with a modestly proportioned holdall or a large satchel.  Okay, so you’d be able to hold the doors open for as long as it took to get on but, I speak with absolute confidence here, it would be a bit burdensome.  In fact, it would be a faff.  In much the same way that holding up the world was a faff for Atlas.

    6.  Double Entendre.  There is literally nothing that you can say about pole vaulting that isn’t a double entendre.  After all, it’s a sport which involves physically exerting yourself until you’re panting and thrusting a long, rigid shaft into a box before you briefly soar heavenward and eventually end up lying sweaty and exhausted on a mattress with a horizontal pole.  And if there isn’t scope for euphemism, metaphor, allusion and plain seaside postcard bawdiness there then…um…well there just clearly is.  And Wikipedia isn’t even trying for innuendo when it says, “…pole stiffness and length are important factors to a vaulter’s performance.”  It is impossible to discuss the pole vault without innuendo.

    7.  Confusion.  Because while the name pole vault, as we have established, is misleading, once you’ve accepted the illogic of it, you’re in for further frustration and disappointment.  When I was four years old and I started school, you can have absolutely no idea how excited I was when I was told that in the school gym there was a vaulting horse.  A vaulting horse, I thought with wide-eyed astonishment.  That’s the most exciting thing I’ve ever heard in my life.  They’ve got a horse that can vault!  A raging stallion that can shoot itself into the sky with the aid of a pole!  A pony that can rocket over a lofty bar!  A mare that can soar through the air and land on a mattress!  They’ve got a wondrous, magical creature!  The most awesome beast I ever will see!  They’ve got an athletic super-horse!  They’ve got…that wooden thing in the corner that looks like a weird shed for midgets? What the hell is that? Is life always going to be like this?

  • 7 Reasons The UK Owes Ireland

    7 Reasons The UK Owes Ireland

    If you are British, you may be asking why our Government is helping to bail out Ireland. Well wonder no longer. It is quite simple. Ireland has given so much to the UK. So much. We owe them.

    7 Reasons The UK Owes Ireland

    1.  Music. ‘Some people say I look like me dad. What?! Are you serious?’ As I am sure you are all aware, they are the very first lines of the B*Witched classic, C’est le vie. And it’s only by listening to those words that you can really appreciate just how good The Spice Girls actually were. And that has to be a worth rewarding, doesn’t it?

    2.  Alcohol. From Guinness to Baileys to Bulmers/Magners and back to Guinness again. The Irish know how to drink. Sadly, many Briton’s don’t, which is why…

    3.  Hurling – a pursuit played out on the fields of Ireland – has become particularly popular on the streets of the UK. Just after closing time. And that in turn is why the British paracetamol industry remains so strong. Thanks Ireland.

    4.  James Bond. It is not often said that Pierce Brosnan did for Britain’s finest secret agent what Nasser Hussain did for the England Cricket team, but it’s true. Both picked up a beleaguered enterprise and through sheer bloody mindedness and the help of their respective peers in the form of Dame Judi Dench and Duncan Fletcher, turned it into something quite beautiful. Or at least passable. Better than it was anyway. And for that we should be eternally thankful. No one wants to watch Licence To Kill followed by the 1989 Ashes highlights.**

    5.  Sir Terry Wogan. Not only did he provide a superior earful for the more sophisticated radio listener than say Christopher Moyles, he also made the debacle that is The Eurovision Song Contest relatively enjoyable. Mainly because he talked over both presenters and songs alike. While slowly getting sloshed on whiskey. And getting away with it. He also introduced me to Gina G. And when you are twelve you like that kind of thing.

    6.  Leprechauns. Oddly, and rather ridiculously in my opinion, the people of the UK seem to celebrate St. Patrick’s Day more than St. George’s Day, St. Andrew’s Day and St. David’s Day combined. But at least on 17th March Trafalgar Square is full of honorary Leprechauns instead of bloody pigeons.

    7.  Home Comforts. Wherever I have been in the world, I always find an Irish pub. Not on purpose, it’s just there. Being all Irish at me. And it’s a nice feeling. Not because it adds to the ambiance of the street, but because I know I’ve found somewhere to watch the rugby. And for that I have always been eternally thankful.

    *e

    **If ever you wanted an example of a reason where I start writing without an idea of where it is heading, this is it.

  • 7 Reasons to Buy a Popemobile

    7 Reasons to Buy a Popemobile

    It’s the last day of the papal visit to the United Kingdom and, somewhat to my surprise, I’ve been inspired by it.  I used to believe that the bicycle was the correct vehicle for the urban environment, or that a tank would be practical, but I now realise that I’ve been a fool.  The correct vehicle for the urban environment is, in fact, a popemobile.  Here are seven reasons why.

    A white Mercedes m-class popemobile (pope mobile) registration number scv1 (SCV 1, S.C.V.1) carrying Pope Benedict XVI

    1.  Performance.  A popemobile might outwardly appear a little too sedate for the urban environment.  You might wonder how your popemobile will keep pace with modern traffic.  But it will.  Because the popemobile isn’t the top-heavy, lumbering vehicle that it appears to be.  The popemobile that we’ve seen in the UK recently has a top speed of 160mph, and a 0-60 time of six seconds (never let it be said that we don’t do research here).  Why they haven’t demonstrated this by spinning the wheels and performing doughnuts to delight the assembled crowds, I don’t know (unless they think that the smoking tyres might signify the election of a new pontiff).  But the popemobile is faster than you think.  And it’s also bullet-proof, which is handy if you live in Nottingham.  Or near a Wetherspoons.

    2.  Running Costs. Now you might imagine that your popemobile will be expensive to run.  And you’re right, it will be.  But you can offset that cost by moonlighting as a taxi driver.  You’ll make a fortune.  Consider it for a moment.  Imagine that you’re having a great evening out, but the time has come to return home.  You might be a girl with impractical shoes, or married to a girl with impractical shoes and you’ll need to call a taxi.  Or you can choose the new premium option, the popemobile taxi.  Who wouldn’t pay through the nose to ride home in the popemobile?  I’d be dialling MCMXIVIII to order a Vaticab like a shot.

    3.  View.  Finding somewhere to park is one of the trickiest aspects of urban driving.  Ever seen a pope struggling to find a parking space?  Of course not, just look at the visibility they get in the back.  You’ll be able to find a space easily.  And laugh at balding people at the same time.

    4.  Income.  The back of the popemobile is, essentially, a large glass jar.  Now traditionally, in fairgrounds and confectioners, people fill large glass jars with sweets and charge customers money to guess how many are in there.  And you can do that with your popemobile.  You can’t just fill it with any sweet, obviously.  You’ll need something (ahem) appoperiate.  Werther’s Original?.  You can charge people to guess how many are in there, and your vehicle will pay for itself really quickly.  And you’ll meet lots of men in comfortable knitwear, which is..er…well.  There must be a plus side to that somewhere.

    5.  Visibility.  Ever lost your bland silver box of a car in the car park?  Of course you have.  I once spent almost an hour searching for a Volkswagen Passat I’d parked at B & Q.  But with a popemobile that problem will disappear.  A popemobile is visible from quite a  distance.  Even when there isn’t a pope in it.

    6.  Self-Sufficiency.  We’re all looking for ways to stretch our budgets further these days, and everyone’s come over a bit Tom and Barbara from The Good Life recently.  In fact, there probably hasn’t been a time since the second world war when people are growing so many of their own fruit and vegetables.  In the urban environment that most of us live in though, there isn’t much space to do this.  But look at the back of the popemobile.  It’s glazed.  You can use it as a greenhouse when you’re not cruising in it.  And it’s bulletproof.  So no one can off your cucumbers with an uzi.  It’s an all-round win.

    7.  Resale Value.  It’s unlikely that you’ll tire of your popemobile, but if you should, remember this.  Second hand car dealers often try to attribute religious credentials to the former owners of the vehicles they’re trying to sell.  “It was owned by a nun”, or “it was used by a vicar to travel around his small country parish” are oft-heard pieces of sales-patter.  But imagine that you’re selling a vehicle that’s been owned by the pope?  “One papal owner”?  You’ll make a fortune.

  • Guest Post: 7 Reasons That It’s Pimm’s O’Clock

    Guest Post: 7 Reasons That It’s Pimm’s O’Clock

    It’s another Saturday here in Blighty and that means another chance for Marc and I to leave the comfort of the sofa and go and air our hairy legs. All four of them. In our place today then, is John Phipps. A man who, when not painting Gordon Brown’s face, can be found doing other things. Though we’re not quite sure what. For those of you in the twitterati, you can follow John here. But do that after he’s talked to you about Pimm’s. It’s only courteous.

     

     

     

    A Pimm's bottle with two Pimm's glasses and a full Pimm's jug. Fruit too.

     

    So far in England we’ve had a summer of sporting mediocrity – topped off with headaches from the whine of Vuvuzelas and Sue Barkers’ bitter tone. Amazingly the sun is still looking favourably upon our otherwise gloomy Nation as music festivals and sporting events help draw our attention away from our melancholy lives.

    Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to a proper English summer. With everything in place, it seems appropriate that the mind should turn to Pimm’s – the quintessentially English Summer drink. In its traditional style, 7 Reasons is here to help celebrate “Pimm’s O’clock” with seven somewhat ironic, self-mocking pointers.

    1.  Quality refreshment. A sensible man would say refreshment comes in the form of water. Brian Badonde would even join me in saying “Bah!” to those opting for some Council juice on a warm day. What sets Pimm’s aside from the rest is its ability to truly refresh. The fabulously fruity rich mix, shifts the clouds with sweet honey-like sunshine resin. Your palate will explode long before your bladder as you taste the heady delights of the English summer.

    As an added bonus for those of you clogging up the NHS, the fruit not only gives added enjoyment but counts for a significant part of your important 5 a-day too.* Your Consultant will be (slightly) pleased.

    2.  Prudence. Guardian columnist Oliver Thring (who by the way sports a truly magnificent side parting) wrote that Pimm’s “epitomises seasonal events featuring irritating rich people: trilbied fops in preposterous blazers; hawing women in silly hats; drunken trustafarians lounging on riverbanks; fans of Nigel Farage doorstepping ahead of European elections.”

    Now, I’m not a fan of Nigel Farage, more of a Bercow man myself, but young Oliver is spot on; this bizarre scene is a fundamental part of the attraction. Some drink Stella and go home and beat their wife. Others sip Pimm’s and go home after beating themselves because they threw a game of croquet. It’s a drink for those with common sense.

    3.  Social Mobility. Fortunately the price seems to dissuade anti-socialites and general miscreants from dropping their favoured bottle of White Lightning for a Pimm’s. I defy anybody to find evidence of Pimm’s being drunk neat, or otherwise, on park benches by the Adidas tracksuit brigade. It is widely believed too that Staffordshire Bull Terriers will not drink this refined goodness. That being said, there is every opportunity with Pimm’s to elevate your standing – therefore perfect for the character who some years ago failed the 12+ or an entrance exam at Stowe and ended up carrying a briefcase into a modern Comprehensive on his first day in Year 8.

    You see a nice ‘whistle’ or a posh frock only go some of the distance in pushing you up the ladder. However, put a jug of Pimm’s on the table and a glass in hand and you my friend could be someone with symbolic capital. The power of absolute mobility that this drink possesses is indeed, absolute.

    4.  Grandeur. Only a sexually insecure beefcake or a leftie with a face like a melted wellington would refuse a Pimm’s – regardless of cost. Pimm’s is Land Of Hope And Glory and Jerusalem in a glass. It screams Pomp and Circumstance with its typeface let alone its taste. It arouses illusions of grandeur, times gone by; an idealised Nation; a Country under Thatcher; a home-grown Wimbledon winner; Mr Darcy; cricket at Wormsley, the majesty of Temperate House; an impassioned Glyndebourne.

    Prince William and his Army chums once cleared the supermarket shelves in Weymouth just after I bought my first bottle of the summer. I hope the lucky bar-stewards didn’t choke on a strawberry, but love him or hate him, be assured that this is a drink of Kings.

    5.  Women. Proper ladies don’t drink Pints of lager; it’s not the done thing, so be on guard for freeloaders. Make sure your flys aren’t undone etc. First impressions count and Pimm’s has already done the hard work for you. Don’t let yourself down.

    6.  Create Perfection. The official recipe is one part Pimm’s to three parts lemonade, strawberry, orange and mint, mixed generously with ice. Generally speaking one should stick to it. I would suggest perhaps using Tonic Water instead of lemonade, adding cucumber and maybe a stick or two of celery.

    If your greengrocer has run out of celery, a Chelsea fan is bound to have some.

    7.  Imitation is suicide. The world is full of pretenders, I urge you not to join them by succumbing to a cheaper and quite frankly, poorer alternative. You will think you are cool, but instead you are unquestionably sad. You need to ‘wake up and smell the cock’ before your half-empty glass ruins your life.

    You will not reach more of a lower point in life than if a guest samples your fake product and comments accordingly. At this point you will probably continue drinking the alternative just to forget what happened. This is not clever and you really should have read points 1-6 more carefully.

    *Not scientifically proven, just an educated guess.

    **DRINK RESPONSIBLY. Pimm’s is not good to binge on and can make quite a mess for your partner to clear up the next day. It will also quite probably smell most foul.