Tag: Grand Prix

7 Reasons The 2011 Canadian Grand Prix Was The Best Ever

We were originally going to discuss the benefits of taking your own chiminea to the pub today, but that’s going to have to wait. That’s because today we must acknowledge yesterday’s Canadian Grand Prix. Admittedly, it is still fresh in our minds, so really this post is for the future. In the years to come, when people need to know about the best Grand Prix ever, they will come here for the facts they can’t find anywhere else. That doesn’t mean you can’t read today’s post today, you can. It’ll just mean more to you in 2034.

Button Under Investigation For Attaching Extra Hand To Shoulder

1. The Comeuppance. Lewis Hamilton finally got it yesterday. And he deserved it. For far too long he has looked ridiculous. For far too long he has worn ear studs and a stupid beard. What’s that about? Doesn’t he own a mirror? Jenson Button was quite right to squash him against the wall. Perhaps now Lewis will realise that before he sorts out his problems on the track, he must sort out those developing – on his face – off it.

2. The Revenge. Everyone remembers when Fernando Was Faster Than You. Finally, in the 2011 Canadian Grand Prix, we had revenge. Felipe was faster than Fernando. Until he drove into a wall anyway.

3. The Rain. Being British we are used to rain delays. But usually it’s while a Test Match is supposed to be happening. For the duration of the delay we usually get Blowers talking about pigeons and buses. During the two hour delay during the Grand Prix, we had Martin Brundle and David Coulthard talking about red-shouldered crows and boats. Maybe it was the lack of the cravat, but listening to Brundle and Coulthard was painful. They were mind-numbingly boring. At one point I may have even started thinking about table decorations for my forthcoming wedding. They were that boring. And because of that it was quite simply one of the most genial bits of commentary I have ever heard. They took me to a point where I was desperate for racing. After two hours I don’t think I have ever wanted to see an F1 race more. I would have been happy to watch thirty laps behind the safety car. Just so Brundle and Coulthard stopped repeating the same thing every five minutes. It was the perfect contrast to what was about to develop. Well done BBC.

4. The Steward. Depending on which video you choose to watch on YouTube, this is either called Steward Falls Over, So Funny!!! or Steward Nearly Dies, So Scary. I’ll let you decide, but at the time I thought I was about to watch a decapitation.

*Edit* Formula One Management have seen fit remove all evidence of this from YouTube but you can view it on the BBC Sport website which we have helpfully linked to here. Sadly, it’s only available to UK users.

5. The Bad Guys. There were two of them. Both Germans. Naturally. They were first and second in the running for the critical stages of the race. The leader was Sebastian Vettel. The young master who had developed a bloody annoying habit of winning all the time. In second was Michael Schumacher. The legend and one of only two drivers who could make Ralf Schumacher look stupid. The other being Ralf Schumacher. For the hero to win this race, he had to pass them both. An accomplishment that would rank alongside Sonic defeating both Dr Robotnix and Shadow.

6. The Good Guy. You have probably worked it out by now, but the good guy was the Brit. (The one who doesn’t look silly and isn’t of Italian and Scottish ancestry.) Jenson Button had five pit stops, a drive through penalty, two collisions, two cheese rolls, a game of Scrabble, a tinkle on the piano, a phone call with Nigel Mansell, another cheese roll, an argument with a cactus and at one point was last on the track. And yet, in a plot that makes The Love Bug look realistic, he made his way through the field and, on the last lap, passed Vettel and won. Won! And he did it all while looking like Chris Martin. Genius.

7. The Also Rans. This has been somewhat overlooked, but Hispania Racing achieved the best result in their history during this race – 13th and 14th. Well done to them. On a similar scale of achievement, I went thirty-six consecutive laps without needing to use the bathroom. Best effort of the season so far that.

June 13, 2011
And The Winner Is…

Hello! Marc here. It’s Sunday, and now that much of the sport has been watched, it’s time for me to sit down and sift through the entries for the awesome competition that we set last week. We felt sure that the competition – and the brilliant prize – would inspire many of our readers to wit and brilliance and well, here’s the top three entries (out of three).

In third place, with this entry is Chrissy Aram with:

I, a reader of the wonderful website 7 Reasons (.org), would like to win France because I could live next door to my brother.

Now, I’m not entirely sure what to make of this. Chrissy lives in England – which is already next door to France – so, unless her brother lives in Belgium, Luxembourg, Germany, Switzerland, Italy, Monaco, Andorra or Spain, this won’t work. Plus there’s no cricket in France, she wouldn’t like that, and cricket is far better than brothers, as my sister will happily confirm.

In second place is Rachel Simmonite’s entry:

I, a reader of the wonderful website 7 Reasons (.org), would like to win France because it would be the ideal place to put my shoes, and it would be a good bargaining tool to help me take over Britain, then after that THE WORLD.

Now, if I had feet half the size of Central Europe, I’d want somewhere to put my shoes too. This is an entirely laudatory use of France. Where Rachel’s entry falls down is the suggested use of the occupation of France to take over Britain, and then the world. Or THE WORLD, as she shouted. This has already been tried – by a monobollocular chap with a funny moustache – and it doesn’t work. I appreciate that her plan differs somewhat to that of Herr Hitler, in that she intends to use France as a bargaining tool, rather than as a picturesque military base, but how would that work? Would she issue threats? “Give me the Isle of Wight or I’ll blow up Dieppe!” I can already hear the massed voice of 60 million Britons saying, “Okay, blow up Dieppe then. Whatever.” “Give me the Queen or Nicolas Sarkozy gets it!” “Bahahahahahha!” The plan is fundamentally flawed. Rachel is clearly the Wile. E. Coyote of the Win France competition.

Winging its way in from Greece (where the exchange rate is 2.5 Greek words to 1 English word) is the final entry that we received – which is also our winner – by Ασπασία Ματθαίου (easy for her to say):

I, a reader of the wonderful website 7 Reasons (.org), would like to win France because I would be able to stop that awful film overdubbing business which is just wrong. Viewers should be allowed to enjoy actor’s real voices in the way that they actually speak them. Why would anyone want to listen to Orson Welles speak in a silly French tone? I know I wouldn’t. (Individuals formerly employed in dubbing would have to find a new job, in the field of foreign film criticism. Their criticism would have to be written in the language of the film in question. At least 5000 words of it. I think that’s fair.)

Then I would pass a law whereby all taxi drivers in the area of the land formerly known as France would speak Greek. That would serve them right. And then everyone would be made to count and spell numbers correctly, in every known language in the world. Finally, that same law would clearly state to all taxi drivers that they would have to drive me to and from airports for free, eternally. (Hehehe. That would be great.)

French politics and sport I would make sure remain the same for ever more. (Yes!)

Just a final thought. If my entry wins the competition I might just hand France to Jon. I think he will appreciate the prize better.

So there you have it. In a totally unexpected outcome to our competition, France has been won and her new owner, as a result of Ασπασία’s generosity, is my writing partner, Jonathan Lee. I’d like to thank everyone that entered and, now that France is under new management, I’d like to wish her citizens good luck. They’ll need it. And Jon, you may now sally forth across the channel and claim France*. Though please get your posts for the week out of the way first, I’ve rather a lot on.

*Remember to put an English-Greek dictionary into your suitcase of baked beans and ginger nuts in case you need to use a taxi. Oh, and it’s thé au lait you want. The other brown stuff is something called coffee that you won’t like.

February 27, 2011
It’s Competition Time!

We realised something recently: We’ve never had a competition before. Ever (or at least as far as we can remember). It was quite a momentous moment in the 7 Reasons offices when this occurred to us; Jon almost missed his mouth with a biscuit and Marc looked up from his book about the war and blinked, before returning to it.

Now, bearing in mind that the last time the 7 Reasons team funds were audited they stood at half a dead spider, a creased Post-it® note, the crumbs from several ginger nut biscuits, twelve business cards, a mug with a broken handle and a lemon, we weren’t expecting to have too much money to spend on a competition, but we had another check anyway and the good news is that we still have the lemon.

“We can’t offer people a lemon”, said Marc, without looking up from his book, “You never know when we might need it. In World War II, they used to use them to sanitise cups and utensils. They also found them indispensable for…”

Jon knew when not to interrupt Marc. And now wasn’t that time, “OKAY!” he blurted, with such a ferocity that he surprised himself, “We won’t give the bloody lemon away! Just in case Hitler comes back from beyond the grave, as mad as hell, and with some sort of new vendetta against humourists, the number seven and cutlery! Because that sounds entirely plausible! We’d also better hang on to any powdered egg that we might chance upon too, and our nylons!”

“Okay”, said Marc dreamily from behind his book, entirely satisfied that mentioning the war had got him out of devising a competition.

“So the prize has got to be something cheap, or even better, free”, said Jon, failing to recognise that Marc had already decided that the task was now solely in his hands.

What the hell’s going on? He’s still talking to me. Usually he’s taken the hint by now. Right, I’m going to have to refer to the war again, thought Marc. “The Free French?” suggested Marc, “In World War II they…”

“Yes! That’s it!” exclaimed Jon.

“What!?”

“That’s perfect.”

He didn’t know what was perfect, and frankly, he didn’t care. Mumbling, “Very good then. Do carry on,” Marc turned a page and settled further back into his side of the sofa, while Jon set to work putting together his brilliantly conceived and very cheap to run competition. And here it is.

The 7 Reasons Competition

My Lords, Ladies, gentlemen, and readers of 7 Reasons (including Kindlers). The 7 Reasons team – in conjunction with the internet – wish to announce a competition. We’re both proud and delighted to offer you, our loyal readership, a big prize, possibly the biggest prize that’s ever been given away in a competition. We’re offering one lucky reader the opportunity to win France! That’s right, France!

Win France!

We’ve thought about it and it seems to us that, since they divested themselves of their monarchy in the eighteenth century, no one has actually owned France. And it’s just there, across the sea, waiting for our lucky winner to claim it. All of this can be yours.

Food.

More Food.

The Eiffel Tower.

To win France, simply complete the following sentence in a hundred words or less:

I, a reader of the wonderful website 7 Reasons (.org), would like to win France because…

Send your entries to [email protected] with “I Want France” in the subject box. The competition closes on 26-02-2011. The winner will be chosen by the 7 Reasons team (assuming they’re not reading about the war or eating biscuits) and will be announced next Sunday. We’ll also be putting the best entries on the website, with a free link to your twitter account/website/anything you’re looking to plug.

We’re really looking forward to reading your entries and would like to wish all of our entrants bon chance. And good luck.

February 20, 2011
Guest Post: 7 Reasons To Visit The Nurburgring Nordschleife

Welcome to the first guest post of October 2010. It’s amazing to think that the 7 Reasons sofa has been circumnavigating the world for nearly a year now. And it’s off abroad again today. Germany is the destination. Well, okay, it’s actually Wycombe. But Germany sounds better. Today’s guest post is written by Jonathan Pitt. A self-confessed pizza and motorsport addict, it will come as no surprise that Jon has written about motorsport. While eating pizza. Incidentally, it is Jon’s birthday today. So let’s all sing ‘Happy Birthday’ to him. Ready, steady, go… Why am I the only one singing? Okay, you just want to read Jon’s post. Well here it is. Make sure you follow him on twitter too. He won’t bother you.

If you’re the casual armchair sports fan then you may well have heard of the Nurburgring. After all, its that track in Germany that alternates hosting the German Grand Prix with Hockenheim, right? Well, you are right, sort of. The Grand Prix at the Nurburgring takes place on the 3.2 mile imaginatively named Grand Prix track. However, watching Messers Alonso and Button drive around in fairly small circles belies the majesty of the Ring, for the Grand Prix Circuit has only existed in its current guise since 1984.

The track that you are being provided with seven wonderful reasons to visit is the Nurburgring Nordschleife (North Loop). The original track first opened its doors in 1927 and totalled 14.2 miles as it twisted and turned its way through the Eifel Mountains. (There was also a shorter Sudschleife circuit). Nurburgring Nordschleife hosted all but three of the German Grand Prix’s held between 1931 and 1976. By the early 1970’s it was considered to be too dangerous, with the fiery crash suffered by Austrian Niki Lauda in the final event appearing to confirm this.

Nowadays, the Nordschleife is still used for some racing activities, including the annual 24 hour race. However, the major international racing series now use the Grand Prix track which has replaced the Sudschleife. Despite the slight shortening of the track and the safety improvements made throughout the years, the Nordschleife retains its fearsome character and remains a stiff test for any driver. The owners of the Ring are nice enough to let anyone turn up and drive their car or bike around the circuit in their Touristenfahrten sessions. Ok, that’s enough history. Time for the seven reasons:

1. To Get A Sticker. You may have noticed one of the growing number of cars on British roads featuring the Nurburgring name and track outline. Ok, so you could buy one on eBay, but that would be cheating. Etiquette dictates that only cars that have been driven around the Nurburgring can sport the sticker, so what are you waiting for?

2. No Safety Briefing. Have you ever been karting in Blighty? It doesn’t seem to matter that the vehicle you will be driving is barely faster than a child’s tricycle – you still have to endure a safety briefing and wear fireproof overalls which soon make you feel as though you’ve spent rather too long in a sauna. Try turning up at a UK trackday sans helmet and you won’t be venturing out on track. At the Ring you simply pay your money and drive onto the track when you’re ready. As for helmets, perhaps it is a good idea to wear one when you’re driving at three times the speed that you would on a public road and are being overtaken by a constant stream of Porsches, but this is left entirely to your discretion.

3. To Find Out Whether You’re Really As Good As You Are On The PlayStation. Yes, I know your sort only too well. You’ve wasted your youth beating your friends at Sega Rally and you’ve convinced yourself that your wall riding in Gran Turismo makes you as good as any pro driver. Such games may be fun but to equate them to driving a real car on a real circuit is perhaps the equivalent of claiming that you’ve travelled Europe because you took a day trip to Calais. One important tip – don’t try wall riding on the Nurburgring unless you want a large bill for barrier repairs.

4. It’s Like No Other Track In The World. The combination of the elevation changes, off camber corners, blind crests and lack of run off make it unique in the racing world. At 12.9 miles, the Norsdschleife is also the longest purpose built race track in the world. Even if you’ve driven or raced on other tracks, then assuming you like cars and driving, you cannot fail to be excited at the very site of the Ring, despite its nickname ‘The Green Hell’.

5. To Watch The Crashes. One of the best features of the Nordschleife is that it’s possible to get right up to the edge of the circuit for most of the 12.9 miles. When I drove my first ever lap I was shocked at seeing spectators standing literally several rows deep. Clearly they aren’t there to watch ordinary people drive around in circles for hours. Perhaps some are there simply to marvel at the supercars that frequent the track? Maybe, but there can be little doubt that a large number want to see out of control cars and crashes. They don’t usually have to wait long either. Accidents and consequential track closures are common place. Fortunately, injuries and God forbid, deaths are less common than many think.

6. To Marvel At The Supercars. Want to see a Ferrari, Porsche or Lamborghini? Name a fast car and you’re likely to see it at the Ring before too long. Of course, when you’re putting in 12 minute Laps in your mum’s bog standard Renault Megane (don’t even ask!) then you spend too much time getting out of the way of these beauties to appreciate their presence. However, all is well when you reach the safety of the Nordschleife car park at the end of the lap. Cars are not designed to do lap after lap on the limit and even if the car can cope then the driver can’t. The result of this is a car park crammed full of supercars. The atmosphere is laid back and friendly and if you ask nicely then you may well be able to score a ride in the car of your dreams. A further advantage of the Nurburgring – there wasn’t a Vauxhall Nova anywhere to be seen.

7. Top Gear Did It. If Jeremy Clarkson and the BBC’s Top Gear team think that the Nurburgring Nordschleife is worth a visit then the chances are that it is! After years of presenting a motoring programme and creating ever crazier car related antics then perhaps we should trust Clarkson, Hammond and Captain Slow to educate us about anything that’s even remotely connected to the automobile.

So there you go, seven reasons to visit the Nurburgring Nordschleife. On a more serious note, it’s worth remembering that the Nurburgring can be dangerous. Accidents happen regularly and there is a strong probability that your normal car insurance will not cover you while driving on the Nurburgring. If you damage the barrier then you can expect a bill. If you cause crashes then the police will investigate and if your car dumps oil on the track then you could be looking at thousands of Euros for the cleanup bill and damage caused to other cars by any resulting crashes. If you prepare your car properly and drive carefully then the chances are that you become hopelessly addicted and end up going time and time again. For further information, check out Ben Lovejoy’s Nurburgring Nordschleife website, the Official Nurburgring website and Northloop.

October 2, 2010
7 Reasons Fernando Is Faster Than You

7 Reasons Fernando Is Faster Than You

July 26, 2010
7 Reasons That We Should Run F1

Formula One motor racing is great. Sometimes though, it’s not quite as good as it could be. We, the 7 Reasons team, have thought of a few improvements. Here are 7 Reasons that we should run F1.

1. Schumacher. The comeback isn’t going well and we know why. Ask yourself this: What looks like Michael Schumacher, sounds like Michael Schumacher and drives like Michael Winner? That’s right, Ralf Schumacher. There’s no way he’s good enough to get into F1 by himself; we think he’s pretending to be Michael. After all, he’s routinely being blown away by his team-mate, Nico Rosberg (who isn’t the best driver in his own family either), so it can only be Ralf. We would ban him.

2. The Godfather. At 7 Reasons, we’re film fans too. So when Luca Di Grassi’s name is mentioned, we always suffix it with the phrase, “…sleeps with the fishes.” We would make this compulsory for commentators.

3. Red Button. The red button is underutilised during F1 races. We have decided that the technology should be improved so that it can be used to filter out the incessant babbling and bleating of people in the same room as you that aren’t watching the Grand Prix. This will mean that you won’t have to hear “This is boring,” “…but Columbo’s on” or “Darling…Darling…Darling…Darling…Darling…Darling…Darling…Darling…Darling…Darling…Darling…you’re not listening.” You will, however, still hear anything relevant or important that they have to say, such as “Would you like anything from the shops?” “We’ve won the lottery,” or “The cat’s on fire.” There will also be a setting on the filter that will enable you to record and share anything particularly memorable such as, (during commentary on Timo Glock’s pit-stop) “O’Glock! What sort of a stupid name is that for a team?”

4. Illusion. The trompe-l’oeil advertising hoardings that are painted on the grass by the circuit are terrifying. On many occasions a car has left the track and we’ve braced ourselves for a horrendous crash – perhaps even gasped and covered our eyes – only to watch the car drive serenely over the painted surface and rejoin the track. They make us look like idiots. They are banned.

5. Court. During the most recent (the Chinese) Grand Prix, Sebastian Vettel and Lewis Hamilton came out of their pit boxes very close together and proceeded to bang wheels trying to gain an advantage in the pit lane; this was highly dangerous for the pit crews working there. Unbelievably, the incident wasn’t even investigated during the race – it was discussed in private later on. This is not acceptable. In the spirit of openness and fairness, we would introduce the Formula One Court (press the red button to see it) in which all racing incidents are thoroughly investigated and all punishments decided before the end of the race. A bewigged judge, with vast motor racing experience and age-imbued-wisdom – Sir Stirling Moss would be our choice – would preside over it. The teams would also have their own barristers:

“I put it to you M’lud, that Mr Vettel did knowingly and wilfully strike the side of Mr Hamilton’s car, recklessly endangering the safety of both drivers and several pit-lane-workers.”

“The Red Bull team refute that, M’lud. We contend that our driver was unaware of Mr Hamilton’s presence, and was proceeding along the pit lane in an orderly manner. If Mr Hamilton had been behind our client there would have been no problem. Look at exhibit B, M’lud: This telemetry data from the McLaren team confirms that their driver’s foot was fully on the throttle. The incident was caused because Mr Hamilton didn’t lift…”

“Lift! Lift!! Lift, you say? I find the defendant guilty. 10 years hard labour.”

6. Something we don’t understand. There’s a phalanx of identically dressed women that turn up to applaud the podium-placed finishers as they walk along a corridor or up the stairs. There is no earthly reason for this. It is weird. We would ban them.

7. Buemi. We all saw the incident in qualifying for the Chinese Grand Prix where both of Sébastien Buemi’s front wheels flew off simultaneously. This was unexpected, spectacular and generated huge amounts of pre-race publicity. We would make this a feature of every qualifying session by introducing Clown Car Lotto. From now on, during qualifying sessions, something that you might expect to happen to a clown’s car will happen to a randomly chosen F1 car. This could be one of a number of things: both of the wheels on one side of the car falling off, a custard pie fired from the steering wheel, balloons inflating from the air intake or marbles spewing from the exhausts. This new feature, though it will be familiar to both clowns and Toyota owners, should enliven qualifying sessions for the rest of the global audience.

April 22, 2010