James Bond is a hero; an archetypal action icon. He’s got the licence to kill. He’s got the cool gadgets. He gets the girl. He saves the day. Every man would want to be Bond, right? Well, no actually. There are plenty of reasons why being 007 wouldn’t rock. Here are seven reasons why it would suck to be MI6’s infamous secret agent…
1. Your Personality. Despite 23 cinematic outings, you’re still a curiously undeveloped character. You possess the superficial charm of a cunning cad, but deep down there’s little rattling around except arrogance and bitter grudges. You have serious communication issues, and are only able to express yourself through cynicism, brute force and a penchant for one-liners. While that’s undeniably entertaining for two hours, you’d actually enjoy life more as a Bond villain. In fact, there are seven reasons why that would be better.
2. No Friends. You don’t have friends; you have assets – sprawling networks of intelligence gatherers, double agents and fellow spies. But you can’t even hang out with them like a normal person because, most of the time, you end up killing them. Could you make some genuine BBFs? Not likely. Friends don’t tolerate it when you visit Fort Knox without bringing back a souvenir, or cancel dinner plans at the last minute to go on a murderous rampage at an embassy in Madagascar. Or star in a film as bad as Quantum of Solace.
3. Social Media. You already tell everyone your real name. This makes you vulnerable. But now you have to worry about your latest conquest Instagramming your awesome new toy, or tweeting about your top secret location. And what about when you want to check in to your luxury hotel on Facebook, or oust Le Chiffre as the Mayor of Casino Royale on foursquare? All your enemies will know where you are. Which is a problem. Your only hope of anonymity is to use a network no one else does. You’ll need to join Google+.
4. Insurance Costs. It might look fun to smash up millions of pounds worth of high-tech kit, but when you write off a souped-up supercar constantly it gets expensive. Constructing vehicles with built-in rockets and ejector seats means you need very special modified car insurance. And as a reckless playboy your quotes will be eye-watering. Your excess will be excessive. Rumours are already circulating that the follow-up to Skyfall will be Skyhigh – a sequel in which Bond battles rising insurance premiums, with a sub-plot about protecting his No Claims Bonus. It’ll be box office gold.
5. Bond Girls. You’ve spent decades as both a literal and figurative lady killer. But after 50 years of shallow and meaningless romantic liaisons, you’ve got a problem: you’re running out of women. It might seem like a supermodel falls into your bed every time you stop by Monte Carlo, but those days are numbered; your prolific promiscuity is leaving the world bereft of fresh conquests. And not only are they growing scarce, but attractive female characters are also getting harder to seduce now that scriptwriters have decided to give them personalities and feelings and stuff.
6. Transferable Skills. You haven’t aged since 1962, but one day you’ll have to quit 007-ing and hang up your Walthar PPK. Being a jet-setting spy gets old after a while, and eventually the familiarity of normal life will seem more appealing than driving invisible cars. But finding a job will be tough. You’re essentially only good at three things: espionage, seduction and violence. And you don’t officially exist, so you have no CV. Oh, and you’re a sociopath. These factors make it difficult to find a job outside being James Bond. A career as a male escort looks promising, but who wants a psychopathic gigolo? Your future employment prospects look bleak.
7. Death Proof. Sorry to spoiler, but you don’t die in Skyfall. And you won’t die in your next outing as 007 either. Or the next one, probably. Daniel Craig has signed on for two more Bond adventures, meaning you are effectively immortal. Knowing you aren’t going to die is boring. It takes edge off the action. Shooting bad guys is less exciting when you know they can’t kill you back. Not convinced? Immunity to peril might sound cool, but if they let Madonna do another theme song then being impervious to death won’t seem so amazing.
Author Bio: Andrew Tipp is a film geek and pop culture noodler. He is a man of science, and of reason. He is also a man of action. And he likes coffee. And bacon. He has previously written for backpacking website gapyear.com and youth media magazine IP1.
