7 Reasons

Tag: feline

  • 7 Reasons To Borrow A Cat Flap

    7 Reasons To Borrow A Cat Flap

    Last night, upon viewing a Felix advert, my girlfriend – not for the first time – announced she wanted a cat. Upon enquiring as to why she didn’t get one, I was told that we don’t have a cat flap. (To be honest, I had noticed this before). Sensing my girlfriend’s disappointed I then suggested that perhaps we could borrow our next door neighbour’s cat flap. I didn’t share the seven reasons as to why this is a great idea then, because I wanted to share them with everyone who has a cat flap problem now. (And, I didn’t have seven reasons on me at the time). Here they are:

     

    One flap, half a cat.
    One flap, half a cat

    1.  Collection Service. It won’t make any difference to the cat whose flap they enter. The reason a cat enters the home is because they have had enough of being outside. At least that’s my logical conclusion. As a result, all you need is an arrangement with your neighbours. Whenever the cat enters their flap they get on the phone, you whip round, pick it up and bring it home. Then, the next day, you just take the cat round to your neighbours and let it make its own mind up on when it wants to leave the house via the flap.

    2.  Annoying. As with humans, I imagine a proportion of cats are very indecisive. They’re not sure whether they want to be in or out which means a lot of cat flap exit and entry. Thankfully, it’s your neighbours who will have to put up with the constant opening and shutting of the flap. You, quite frankly, couldn’t care less.

    3.  Maintenance. Due to the fact that you have an indecisive cat, the wear and tear on your neighbours cat flap is going to be acelerated. Not your problem though is it? They are the ones who will have to invest in WD40.

    4.  Hole In The Wall. The idea of knocking a hole in the wall to let a cat in or out scares me. What happens if a fox tries to get in? Or a rat? Or an alligator? That’s not the kind of thing I want to meet in the kitchen at 6.30am. Especially as I don’t have my eyes in at that time and as such can’t see a bloody thing. I’ll probably think my girlfriend has brought some crocodile skin boots. Which means we’ll end up having an argument. Firstly, about her choice of footwear attire and, secondly, about why I’ve bought an alligator to bed. I’ll win though. I’ll just tell her we should have borrowed next door’s cat flap. As I had recommended.

    5.  Community. The chances are that if your neighbours have a cat flap they also have a cat. As with your typical cat-based film, the two cats will argue and fight at first before slowly beginning to accept each other and like each other. They will then set out to patrol the neighbourhood together, fighting the invasion of mice and pigeons. And then presenting them on your neighbour’s carpet.

    6.  Worry. Now, despite never having had a cat myself, I know that owners start worrying when their feline friends don’t come home for a couple of months. If you are relying on your neighbours to tell you when your cat has returned from a day of adventure, you don’t have to worry so much. So they haven’t been in touch for a few days. That’s easily explained. They might not be in, they might be asleep or they might have moved. The cat it probably fine in Salisbury. Relax!

    7.  Feeding. With any luck your cat will eat the food that was supposed to be for your neighbours cat. Saving both your money and your nostrils.*

    *Having recently fed a cat, I came to the conclusion that to own a cat you must have a permanently blocked nose.

  • 7 Reasons to get your Children a Cat.

    7 Reasons to get your Children a Cat.

    1.  Cleanliness.  Cats are self-cleaning.  They fastidiously preen themselves with their Velcro-textured tongues and consequently, unlike dogs, never require bathing.  In fact, cats are much cleaner than children and therefore set a good example to them.  They also bury their own excrement so you don’t have to worry about that either.  If you’re really lucky, they’ll bury it in a neighbour’s garden.  This is probably something you shouldn’t teach your children to do.

    2.  Ninja.  Children are loud and noisy; cats are silent and alert.  You can use the cat to demonstrate silence and awareness to your children.  There is no better stealth training than attempting to sneak up on a cat.  Your children will learn to tread carefully and to watch out for the cat’s ever-alert swivelling ears.  Who knows, they may eventually become domestic-ninjas.  Like me.

    3.  Exotic.  You want a sensible, low-maintenance, low-risk animal, but your children don’t.  Children never want sensible pets.  They always want something terrifying and dangerous like a tarantula, a piranha or a crocodile.  A cat is an ideal compromise.  Cats come with a free snake.  It’s at the back.

    4.  Porn-Star-Name.  The name of your first pet is the first part of your porn-star-name so your choice of a first pet for your children is important.  Tortoises are called things like George and Simon; dogs are called things like Pip and Rover; cats, on the other hand, have cool names like Horatio or Socks.  If you need to know how important the right pet is in determining your childrens’ future porn-star-name you should ask my wife, Fred Townsend.  Or you could ask my friend whose first pet was a cat, Lucifer Jordan.

    5.  Independence.  Cats come and go as they please through a little hole in the door.  They go out to stare at the garden gate and sit under cars for reasons that we don’t understand.  The important thing though, is that they do it unaided.  Unlike dogs, there’s no endless walking and throwing sticks to distract your children from their homework.  Besides, they’ll eventually tire of walking a dog and you’ll end up doing it yourself.

    6.  Biscuits.  Cats don’t have biscuits and chocolate drops, unlike dogs.  This means that your children will have less opportunity to play pet food related practical jokes on you or unsuspecting house-guests.  They will still substitute salt for sugar and gravy granules for instant coffee, but being served dog biscuits with your cup of tea is one less thing you’ll have to worry about if you get a cat.  This is what eating a dog biscuit did to Jennifer Aniston’s face.  Poor, poor Jennifer.

    7.  Respect.  Cats are cute and cuddly, soft and furry, content and purry – until angered.  When you anger a cat it turns from a docile, supine teddy bear of an animal into a hissing, spitting, furious mass of teeth and claws.  Nothing teaches children to respect others like being bitten on the hand or losing an eye.  If they survive cat-ownership, they will be equipped for life.