7 Reasons

Tag: Fee

  • 7 Reasons The Darren Bent Transfer Rumours Are…er… Just A Bit Strange

    7 Reasons The Darren Bent Transfer Rumours Are…er… Just A Bit Strange

    1.  They’re Memorable.  Wait.  What.  Huh?  Never mind people remembering where they were when they heard that Kennedy had been shot by Lee Harvey Oswald/spooks on the grassy knoll/a Wisconsin bear hunter’s epic and unfortunate ricochet.  Never mind people remembering where they were when Diana had been killed in a traffic accident/sinister Prince Philip-backed plot/returning of his angel to heaven by Jesus.  Those events have now been overshadowed by our own epoch-defining memorable moment.  Henceforth, we will all remember where we were when we heard the rumour that Darren Bent was leaving Sunderland for Aston Villa for £18 million.

    2.  They’re Shocking.  ”Eighteen million pounds!”, I exclaimed as I spat my morning espresso at my laptop.  “Darren Bent!”. “Eighteen million pounds!”.  And suddenly my previously sleeping cat appeared by my side, staring at me, with a curious expression on his face and his ears pricked.  And then it dawned on me.  The shock of the news had caused me to say “Eighteen million pounds” in a voice so high that it shocked my cat.  A voice so high that out of the two of us, only he could hear it.  A voice so high that Keith Richards on the seventh day of a bender in an opium den would have to gaze upward to see it.  Using a telescope.

    3.  They’re Incomprehensible.  After a bit of a lie down, during which my voice fell back down to Earth from the upper ionosphere and my cat got on with some urgent dozing, I tried to digest the news.  Nope.  It doesn’t compute.  There is nothing about this news that isn’t baffling and incomprehensible, and I’m married to a woman and live in Yorkshire, so I’m one of the world’s foremost authorities on baffling and incomprehensible.

    4.  The Money.  Eighteen million pounds, to be exact (I may have already mentioned this).  Now eighteen million pounds isn’t what it used to be.  Time was when eighteen million pounds could probably buy you a Premier League winning squad, but those days are gone and with Manchester City paying silly money for every world-class player out there, transfer fees are currently sky-high.  But Darren Bent isn’t a world-class player, and Man City aren’t trying to buy him (they already have Jo) so how in all the name of all that is holy can anyone justify paying eighteen million pounds for Darren Bent?  Darren Bent!  He was overpriced at sixteen and a half million when he signed for Spurs four years ago and he looked a better player back then with more potential.  How is he one and a half million pounds better now?  We’ve all seen the sitter he famously missed against Portsmouth and yes, Sandra Redknapp could have scored it.  With her eyes closed.  How can a club that didn’t back its previous manager with transfer funds at the start of the season now justify spending eighteen million pounds now.  On Darren Bent?  Rafael van der Vaart has been the best signing in the Premier League this season and he only cost eight million.  Is Darren Bent ten better than van der Vaart?  Really?

    5.  It’s Aston Villa.  Last season, a move to Villa would have looked like a step-up for Darren Bent.  But this season Steve Bruce has got Sunderland playing fantastic football (except against Newcastle) and they’re an improving squad in the hunt to get European football next year.  And Darren Bent is an integral part of the first team.  Villa, on the other hand, are hovering alarmingly above the relegation zone and are fielding a team half full of old men and children every match; it’s a bit like the home team in Berlin in 1945, except that they’re managed by Gerard Houllier.  Why would anyone want to change to that side?

    Is this a logical move?

    6.  It’s Greedy.  The only thing that can possibly be motivating this move from the top of the Premier League to the bottom is money.  It can’t be to improve his game by working with Houllier and it doesn’t seem likely that he wants to return to the Championship, so it must be solely for the money.  But it’s not as if he’s earning a pauper’s wage, he’s a Premier League football player!  How much more money can he possibly need?  There can’t have been avarice on this scale since…well, okay…it happens every day, but outside of banking and parliament, there can’t have been such a naked example of greed since the dawn of time.  Or perhaps earlier.

    7.  Breaking News.  As I’ve been writing this the fee has changed.  Now it’s twenty four million pounds!  It’s gone up.  Now he’s three times better than van der Vaart.  In fact, Fernando Torres only cost Liverpool twenty million.  So Darren Bent is now better than Fernando Torres.  I give up!  This can’t be real, I’m just going to assume that it’s all some sort of strange dream and hope that when I wake up this whole story isn’t here.  There’s no place like home…There’s no place like home…

  • 7 Reasons To Be Self-Employed

    7 Reasons To Be Self-Employed

    Reasons To Be Self Employed

    1.  It’s 00:00 to 23:59, not 9:00 to 17:00. You can choose when you work. If you want to work at 3am on a Sunday morning then that is fine. You answer to no one but yourself. Unless you live with your partner and your computer is in your bedroom. They probably don’t want to hear you bashing one out in the middle of the night. An email I mean.

    2.  Social Media. To a normal boss in a normal company, the likes of twittering and facebooking are seen as distractions. To the self-employed though, they are vital tools of the trade. All self-employed people have a streak of the entrepreneur about them. They are always on the look out for ideas. Which is why conversation about ‘imaginary friends’ on twitter is classed as research.

    3.  Sport. A whole lot of sport happens during the day. Cricket, tennis, golf, baseball, The Olympics (all forms), various World Cups and World Championships. That is a heck of a lot of sport you are missing while working for some major conglomerate. Or the Co-Op. Not only do the self-employed watch all this sport, they all use it to their advantage. Watching Stuart Broad knock over Ricky Ponting’s poles doesn’t half motivate you. Okay, it motivates you to keep watching, but when the day’s play is over, then you are pumped to do some work. Or you will be after dinner. And the highlights. Actually, you’ll be ready at the end of the Test. But you will be ready. Just a shame the deadline has passed really.

    4.  Chores. They can be done at anytime you like. Cleaning the bathroom can be Monday at 10am. Food shopping can be Tuesday at 2pm. Having your haircut can be Wednesday at 11am. And if you are really lucky you’ll get the OAP rate.

    5.  The IT Department. Everyone in IT is a muppet. It’s official. They think you should know what SMPT means and how to locate the back-gate entrance for Microsoft Outlook. No one knows that stuff. I don’t even think there is a back-gate entrance for Microsoft Outlook. I think he was trying to make himself sound clever. The thing about working for yourself is that if something goes wrong you don’t have to phone someone up to ask them how to fix it. You can press reset and blow all the dust away from the back of the PC. And more times than not it works. Within minutes you are flying through the front door of Microsoft Outlook. In your face Sam in IT.

    6.  Tea-bags. You don’t have to share them and no one is going to steal them. They are yours. You can also have the brand and flavour you want. None of this value stuff, you can have proper tea from a proper tea plantation. Imported directly to you if you like. I get mine from Sainsburys.

    7.  Your Fee. It can be what you want it to be. If you want to charge £300 an hour, you can. You won’t get much work unless you are Pete Doherty’s solicitor, but that’s irrelevant. You can go around saying, ‘I charge £300 an hour’. Though when you end up working in the local pub you should probably stop. It makes you sound like a prat.