7 Reasons

Tag: fearns

  • 7 Reasons That There is no Stigma Attached to my Spectacles

    7 Reasons That There is no Stigma Attached to my Spectacles

    Regular readers of 7 Reasons might be not have been aware that half of the team has been expecting a rather special delivery for the last fortnight or so but we have and now, I can proudly announce, that it has arrived.  My new spectacles are here.  I’ve never had to wear them before and here are seven reasons that there is no stigma attached to wearing them whatsoever.  None.  At all.  Got that?

     

    Spectacle-ur*

    1.  Because I Got To Go To The Optician.  And while I couldn’t write about my experiences there – because it’s been done far better already – I was able to enjoy a unique facility that is provided by my local Specsavers:  Their waiting area overlooks the front door, just inside of which is a loose doormat.  I have never been so royally entertained by slapstick in my entire life.  The sight of almost all of the hapless and unsuspecting customers stumbling through the door was one of the most entertaining things I have seen in a long while.  And they would have been able to enjoy the sight of me stumbling out onto the busy street half an hour later if this were not an optician.  There is no stigma attached to physical comedy and even Norman Wisdom is cool.  In Albania.

     

    2.  Because I Am Long-Sighted.  I’m not near-sighted, short-sighted, ordinarily-sighted, conventionally-sighted or even averagely-sighted; I’m long-sighted.  This is optician-speak for awesome.  I can see a long way.  I have super-sight.  There is no stigma attached to being awesome.  Superman is only unofficially awesome and he can get away with wearing his underpants on the outside of his trousers.  I am officially awesome, therefore can easily get away with spectacles.  And perhaps even the checked-shirt.

     

    3.  Wearing Spectacles Is A Necessary Public Service.  Because I’m long-sighted, there’s almost nothing that I wouldn’t be able to see if I weren’t wearing them.  The spectacles are actually needed to tame my sight.  If it weren’t for them, the Hubble space telescope would probably be redundant and people as far away as Addis-Ababa would need curtains (if they don’t already).  I’m wearing them for the greater good and there should be no social stigma attached to philanthropy.

     

    4.  I Need Them To Look At A Screen For A Long Time.  I’m not going to guilt-trip the readers of 7 Reasons by suggesting that I would go blind writing my half of it if it weren’t for the glasses, but I would.  Because I have to stare at a screen for a long time and I occasionally have to look at this image.  Which always makes me try to stab myself in the eyes with a pencil.  The glasses are necessary protection against this.  If only they made spectacles for the mind.

     

    5.  Because Science Is Cool.  Science is currently seen as hip and interesting, and glasses are a universally acknowledged signifier of scientific knowledge and capability.  Watch any Hollywood movie – or Thunderbirds – and you know that the one in the glasses is the scientist; usually it’s Jeff Goldblum.  Does Professor Brian Cox wear glasses?  No.  Do I (very occasionally) wear glasses?  Yes.  So to those unfamiliar with him, this makes me the better scientist.  Right until I start to talk about quarks and molecular something-or-other and get distracted and end up talking about Ray-Bans.

     

    6.  Because They’re Ray-Bans.  I love Ray-Bans.  I’ve always worn them as sunglasses and I once got called a Ray-Ban geek by an assistant in a Ray-Ban shop, just because I knew the model numbers off by heart.  And what the little codes on the arms mean.  And I foolishly mentioned it out loud.  Once.  And my spectacles are Ray-Bans that I can wear at night and indoors without looking like a complete cock**.  This is progress.  Now the only place I can’t wear Ray-Bans legitimately is in bed when I’m asleep.  And perhaps even then I could put opaque lenses in and use them as the world’s coolest eye-mask.  Wearing spectacles is another step on my journey toward having Ray-Bans permanently affixed to my face.  And Ray-Bans are cool:  In my head, if not outside it.

     

    7.  Parenthood.  I’m now a parent and, in years to come, when Byron Sebastian Fearns is making the long and daunting walk to his father’s desk to receive some sort of stern admonishment, I will need to move the glasses to the end of my nose so that I can look over the top of them while rebuking him.  Because I know – from experience – that no telling-off is complete without that.  And that putting clingfilm over the toilet bowl is frowned upon by people in glasses.  Bugger.  I used to love that.

     

    *Yes, I did type this entire piece using only one hand.

    **Sadly, they won’t prevent me from being one.

     

  • 7 Reasons That Baths are Better Than Showers

    7 Reasons That Baths are Better Than Showers

    7 Rolltop bath - after.640x516

    1.  Charity. We don’t know of any instances where showers have made any money for charity, but baths have probably raised millions for charity over the years.  From bank managers sitting in baths full of baked beans, to bank mangers sitting in baths full of custard, from bank managers being rolling down the High Street in a bath, to bank managers paddling down the local river in a bath, it’s all about the bath.  And bank managers.

    2.  Thought. No one thinks in a shower.  They’re too busy scraping, scrubbing and rubbing while their senses are being assaulted by noisy, powerful, intrusive jets of water.  Baths, like libraries, on the other hand, are quiet places of studious contemplation.  Archimedes famously worked out how to determine the integrity of gold while in his bath.  Churchill conducted a large part of his Second World War campaign from his bath, often dictating notes and occasionally holding meetings there.  A good deal of this website was devised in the bath.  Nothing good ever came of showering.

    3.  Fun. Showers are humourless.  Baths are fun.  Are there any shower toys?  No.  There are loads of bath toys available though, including submarines, ducks and battleships.  There are also good jokes related to baths.  My wife often asks me how long I’m going to be in the bath, and I always reply “6’2”.”  This joke doesn’t work with a shower as, because of the standing position, 6’2” is your height rather than your length.  Unless you are not 6’2”, in which case you’d have to modify the joke and my wife probably wouldn’t enquire this of you in the first place.  You see, showers cock everything up.

    4.  Words. In popular phraseology, showers are seen as a bad thing.  Ever heard the parade-ground phrase “you lot are a right shower?”  It usually precedes some sort of punishment for tardiness.  Being a shower is bad.  There’s a popular phrase about baths too, “Don’t throw the baby out with the bathwater”.  In this phrase we are being urged not to do anything to harm the baby with the bathwater.  The baby with the bathwater is something that we should preserve.  The baby with the bathwater is something that shouldn’t be discarded.  This is because bathwater is precious.  Probably.

    5.  Verbs. You switch on a shower; you draw a bath.

    6.  Flatulence.  Breaking wind in the shower is dull.  Breaking wind in the bath is a Jacuzzi.

    7.  Fast. The prime motive for using a shower is because it is fast.  Being fast is often the wrong motive for doing anything.  Go and stand outside your local branch of McDonald’s for a few minutes and look at the people who consume fast food, is fast good?  Test cricket fans, is fast good?  Ladies, is fast good?  People who’ve been chased by a horse, is fast good?  Hungry people, is fast good?  Stuck people, is fast good?  The answer is no, fast is not good.  Nor are showers, they’re bloody rubbish.