Tag: F1

7 Reasons That The Top 100 Girls Names List 2010 Is Not The Least Bit Intriguing

Yesterday, Marc became fascinated with boys. Being a man of sound intellect, he left the girls to me. In fact, he practically urged me to look at girls. And, up until January 29th 2010, I wouldn’t have needed much convincing. Nor would there have been anyone to tell me off for doing so. Things are slightly different now though, which means I need to clarify that I am only looking at 100 differently named girls for your benefit. To be honest, I got no satisfaction from dong so. Here’s why:

1. Political Impact. There are four women in the Cabinet. (They’re probably looking for the gin). There’s Theresa of course. And a Cheryl. And a Caroline. And a Baroness Warsi – who also goes by the name Sayeeda. I have to report that having studied the statistics in detail, there isn’t a Theresa, Cheryl or Caroline anywhere in the top 100 names in 2010 or 2000. Nor is there a Baroness, Warsi or Sayeeda. Which only goes to prove, absolutely nothing.

2. The Unusual. The name Esme is by far and away the most ridiculous on the list, but she was hardly languishing in 2000. She was 171st then and last year made it to 71st. Wow. Now I don’t know any Esmes and nor, I fervently hope, do you. So I wondered if there was a not-very famous person responsible for the minor increased popularity of the name. It turns out there is. She’s called Esme Kamphuis and she’s a Dutch bobsledder who finished 12th in the 2008 Winter Olympics. People are naming their girls after a fairly average bobsledder. That’s riveting.

3. F1. The name Louise has dropped out of the top 100 since its position at number 80 in 2000. It is highly unlikely this is due to ITV’s loss of Formula One coverage in 2008. I very much doubt anyone would have named their daughter after Louise Goodman. BBC’s token F1 female reporter is Lee McKenzie. The name Lee doesn’t appear in the top 100 in 2000 and nor does it appear in the top 100 in 2010. Which only goes to show that for all the impact F1 makes it may as well go to Sky Sports.

4. Alexandra. A safe name; a solid name; a sensible name; a reliable name and some might say, a dull name. And that’s absolutely spot on. The facts tell us that the name Alexandra is just as boring as you (okay, Marc, mostly Marc) had previously supposed. From its year 2000 position of somewhere outside the top 100 it went on a rollercoaster ride in which it plunged to somewhere outside the top 100 in 2009 and then, in a monumental upswing of fortunes in 2010, scaled the list back to somewhere outside the top 100. Breathtaking it is not. Turns out that Alexandra is as dull as we thought it was. Making it the perfect name for my daughter.

5. Noah. I can state categorically that no girl has ever been named Noah. Not even when they played the lead role in the play with the animals and the arc. Fascinating stuff, huh?

6. Roberta. What the hell happened to Roberta? Well, nothing. It was never a good name in the first place and I am pleased to say it has continued in that vein ever since. Here are some names from last year that are considerably more popular than Roberta: Elizabeth, Lucy, Emily, Rachel and Claire. Who the hell knows more Elizabeths, Lucys, Emilys, Rachels and Claires than Robertas? Exactly, everyone. There’s about as much insight here as there is in Wayne Rooney… actually, that sentence stops there.

7. Self-Interest. One of the most boring things about the list itself is that none of my family are on it. I’m not on it – which confirms what I have always suspected, I’m a boy. My mum’s not on it. My fiancée isn’t on it. My aunts aren’t on it. My great aunts aren’t on it. Which has no impact on me at all. And I very much doubt it bothers you either.

July 29, 2011
7 Reasons The 2011 Canadian Grand Prix Was The Best Ever

We were originally going to discuss the benefits of taking your own chiminea to the pub today, but that’s going to have to wait. That’s because today we must acknowledge yesterday’s Canadian Grand Prix. Admittedly, it is still fresh in our minds, so really this post is for the future. In the years to come, when people need to know about the best Grand Prix ever, they will come here for the facts they can’t find anywhere else. That doesn’t mean you can’t read today’s post today, you can. It’ll just mean more to you in 2034.

Button Under Investigation For Attaching Extra Hand To Shoulder

1. The Comeuppance. Lewis Hamilton finally got it yesterday. And he deserved it. For far too long he has looked ridiculous. For far too long he has worn ear studs and a stupid beard. What’s that about? Doesn’t he own a mirror? Jenson Button was quite right to squash him against the wall. Perhaps now Lewis will realise that before he sorts out his problems on the track, he must sort out those developing – on his face – off it.

2. The Revenge. Everyone remembers when Fernando Was Faster Than You. Finally, in the 2011 Canadian Grand Prix, we had revenge. Felipe was faster than Fernando. Until he drove into a wall anyway.

3. The Rain. Being British we are used to rain delays. But usually it’s while a Test Match is supposed to be happening. For the duration of the delay we usually get Blowers talking about pigeons and buses. During the two hour delay during the Grand Prix, we had Martin Brundle and David Coulthard talking about red-shouldered crows and boats. Maybe it was the lack of the cravat, but listening to Brundle and Coulthard was painful. They were mind-numbingly boring. At one point I may have even started thinking about table decorations for my forthcoming wedding. They were that boring. And because of that it was quite simply one of the most genial bits of commentary I have ever heard. They took me to a point where I was desperate for racing. After two hours I don’t think I have ever wanted to see an F1 race more. I would have been happy to watch thirty laps behind the safety car. Just so Brundle and Coulthard stopped repeating the same thing every five minutes. It was the perfect contrast to what was about to develop. Well done BBC.

4. The Steward. Depending on which video you choose to watch on YouTube, this is either called Steward Falls Over, So Funny!!! or Steward Nearly Dies, So Scary. I’ll let you decide, but at the time I thought I was about to watch a decapitation.

*Edit* Formula One Management have seen fit remove all evidence of this from YouTube but you can view it on the BBC Sport website which we have helpfully linked to here. Sadly, it’s only available to UK users.

5. The Bad Guys. There were two of them. Both Germans. Naturally. They were first and second in the running for the critical stages of the race. The leader was Sebastian Vettel. The young master who had developed a bloody annoying habit of winning all the time. In second was Michael Schumacher. The legend and one of only two drivers who could make Ralf Schumacher look stupid. The other being Ralf Schumacher. For the hero to win this race, he had to pass them both. An accomplishment that would rank alongside Sonic defeating both Dr Robotnix and Shadow.

6. The Good Guy. You have probably worked it out by now, but the good guy was the Brit. (The one who doesn’t look silly and isn’t of Italian and Scottish ancestry.) Jenson Button had five pit stops, a drive through penalty, two collisions, two cheese rolls, a game of Scrabble, a tinkle on the piano, a phone call with Nigel Mansell, another cheese roll, an argument with a cactus and at one point was last on the track. And yet, in a plot that makes The Love Bug look realistic, he made his way through the field and, on the last lap, passed Vettel and won. Won! And he did it all while looking like Chris Martin. Genius.

7. The Also Rans. This has been somewhat overlooked, but Hispania Racing achieved the best result in their history during this race – 13th and 14th. Well done to them. On a similar scale of achievement, I went thirty-six consecutive laps without needing to use the bathroom. Best effort of the season so far that.

June 13, 2011
7 Reasons That We Should Run F1

Formula One motor racing is great. Sometimes though, it’s not quite as good as it could be. We, the 7 Reasons team, have thought of a few improvements. Here are 7 Reasons that we should run F1.

1. Schumacher. The comeback isn’t going well and we know why. Ask yourself this: What looks like Michael Schumacher, sounds like Michael Schumacher and drives like Michael Winner? That’s right, Ralf Schumacher. There’s no way he’s good enough to get into F1 by himself; we think he’s pretending to be Michael. After all, he’s routinely being blown away by his team-mate, Nico Rosberg (who isn’t the best driver in his own family either), so it can only be Ralf. We would ban him.

2. The Godfather. At 7 Reasons, we’re film fans too. So when Luca Di Grassi’s name is mentioned, we always suffix it with the phrase, “…sleeps with the fishes.” We would make this compulsory for commentators.

3. Red Button. The red button is underutilised during F1 races. We have decided that the technology should be improved so that it can be used to filter out the incessant babbling and bleating of people in the same room as you that aren’t watching the Grand Prix. This will mean that you won’t have to hear “This is boring,” “…but Columbo’s on” or “Darling…Darling…Darling…Darling…Darling…Darling…Darling…Darling…Darling…Darling…Darling…you’re not listening.” You will, however, still hear anything relevant or important that they have to say, such as “Would you like anything from the shops?” “We’ve won the lottery,” or “The cat’s on fire.” There will also be a setting on the filter that will enable you to record and share anything particularly memorable such as, (during commentary on Timo Glock’s pit-stop) “O’Glock! What sort of a stupid name is that for a team?”

4. Illusion. The trompe-l’oeil advertising hoardings that are painted on the grass by the circuit are terrifying. On many occasions a car has left the track and we’ve braced ourselves for a horrendous crash – perhaps even gasped and covered our eyes – only to watch the car drive serenely over the painted surface and rejoin the track. They make us look like idiots. They are banned.

5. Court. During the most recent (the Chinese) Grand Prix, Sebastian Vettel and Lewis Hamilton came out of their pit boxes very close together and proceeded to bang wheels trying to gain an advantage in the pit lane; this was highly dangerous for the pit crews working there. Unbelievably, the incident wasn’t even investigated during the race – it was discussed in private later on. This is not acceptable. In the spirit of openness and fairness, we would introduce the Formula One Court (press the red button to see it) in which all racing incidents are thoroughly investigated and all punishments decided before the end of the race. A bewigged judge, with vast motor racing experience and age-imbued-wisdom – Sir Stirling Moss would be our choice – would preside over it. The teams would also have their own barristers:

“I put it to you M’lud, that Mr Vettel did knowingly and wilfully strike the side of Mr Hamilton’s car, recklessly endangering the safety of both drivers and several pit-lane-workers.”

“The Red Bull team refute that, M’lud. We contend that our driver was unaware of Mr Hamilton’s presence, and was proceeding along the pit lane in an orderly manner. If Mr Hamilton had been behind our client there would have been no problem. Look at exhibit B, M’lud: This telemetry data from the McLaren team confirms that their driver’s foot was fully on the throttle. The incident was caused because Mr Hamilton didn’t lift…”

“Lift! Lift!! Lift, you say? I find the defendant guilty. 10 years hard labour.”

6. Something we don’t understand. There’s a phalanx of identically dressed women that turn up to applaud the podium-placed finishers as they walk along a corridor or up the stairs. There is no earthly reason for this. It is weird. We would ban them.

7. Buemi. We all saw the incident in qualifying for the Chinese Grand Prix where both of Sébastien Buemi’s front wheels flew off simultaneously. This was unexpected, spectacular and generated huge amounts of pre-race publicity. We would make this a feature of every qualifying session by introducing Clown Car Lotto. From now on, during qualifying sessions, something that you might expect to happen to a clown’s car will happen to a randomly chosen F1 car. This could be one of a number of things: both of the wheels on one side of the car falling off, a custard pie fired from the steering wheel, balloons inflating from the air intake or marbles spewing from the exhausts. This new feature, though it will be familiar to both clowns and Toyota owners, should enliven qualifying sessions for the rest of the global audience.

April 22, 2010