Tag: crocodiles

Guest Post: 7 Reasons To Never Go Camping In Australia

Surprisingly (to me) it seems camping is one of the most popular ways for tourists around England and the world to stay down under. While many might argue the way you choose to holiday is purely personal preference, this article explains why choosing hotels over camping for your Australian trip is the right preference to have.

1. You sleep on the floor. “That was the best sleep I’ve ever had!” said someone on a camping trip, never. Sure, slumming it in your Mickey Mouse sleeping bag in your friends’ living room was cool when you were a kid, but can we really trust the memory of someone who had just graduated from eating worms and tying their shoelaces? Even for more advanced campers who come equipped with air mattresses or fold out stretchers; you know what’s easier than that? Pre-made hotel beds with amazingly crisp fresh sheets!

2. Communal showers. Need I say more? I suppose if you prefer neighbouring shower buddies, whose shampoo water creeps under the wall onto your side, and a long walk back to your campsite where your feet get dirtier than they were before it isn’t so bad. And for those people really going all out and camping in the outback, I hope you don’t expect to hug your loved ones when you return home.

3. No nice surprises left on your pillow. And if there is, it’s probably not ‘nice’ and it’s probably not advisable to touch it.

4. Not necessarily cheaper. A big reason people choose to spend hours pitching tents and waking up with sore backs is because they think they will save money. A word of caution for those who have never experienced the Australian outback before; it’s not just your expensive bedding, tent, cooking utensils and equipment and extensive toiletries that you will need. Make sure you pack bug spray, sunblock, first aid supplies for preliminary application to spider and snake bites, a suitable hat, boots and weather gear, amongst other items. Alternatively, hotels do have a fool proof way to combat all of these things; walls. And they are usually* included in the cost of your bill!

5. Not necessarily more eco-friendly. It’s the justification many make as they drive their stakes into the earth and dig a hole deemed their bathroom for the week. OK, so maybe skipping on a few days of electricity and running water will do the environment some good, but most modern accommodation is fairly aware and active in reducing their carbon foot. Between recycling bins and electricity-activated key cards, you’ll still get that feel-good kick without having to sleep in the wild.

6. It’s not ‘Australian’. Contrary to popular belief, camping down under is not the “Aussie” way to visit. You know who invented that myth? Australians. So they could laugh at tourists from their comfortable air-conditioned hotel rooms. It’s up there with lies such as “everyone rides around on kangaroos” – sorry if that ruined it for anyone. It’s a little known secret, but you can actually do all the best touristy things the biggest island in the world has to offer, and have a comfortable sleep every night.

7. You have friends and family who love you very much. They don’t want to see you suffer. And if they do, they’ll send you on a camping trip.

*Always

Written by Melinda Jennings on behalf of Punthill.

July 21, 2012
7 Reasons That I Was Wrong About Children

Hello! Marc here. I have a confession to make. I’ve been really wrong for a long time about something really fundamental. When I was growing up, my stepfather would tell me that it “takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong”. Usually before admitting he was wrong. Well I’ve been very, very wrong. Wrong enough to make me a giant. Because I used to think that having a child would be among the worst things that could happen to anyone. But now that I’ve been the owner of a child for the past six months (he turned half last Saturday) I realise that it isn’t. In fact, having a child is bloody amazing. Here are seven reasons that I was wrong about children.

1. It’s Not Difficult. I used to imagine that being a parent was hard, but it isn’t. When you have a child, you’ll soon discover that you’re playing all the time. It’s amazing fun and it’s not at all difficult to do (in fact, it’s child’s play). Everything you do in your life with your child is a fun game. Teaching them to eat; teaching them to walk; introducing them to new colours and textures; changing a nappy, everything – however mundane – is a wondrous and fascinating experience for them, which makes it an intensely rewarding experience for you. Earlier today, my son and I spent half an hour banging on a window from opposite sides at each other. Half an hour! It was great.

2. It Doesn’t Age You. I previously thought that having a child was an experience that must surely prematurely age people as a result of the lack of sleep and the heavy burden of responsibility. But it turns out that the opposite is true. Spending most of your life with a creature to whom everything is new and exciting is a liberation. It’s an opportunity to view anything and everything without the burden of your own experiences and prejudices. It’s like seeing everything through a new pair of eyes. If anything, I would have to say that fatherhood has made me feel and act younger. Impossible as it may seem to anyone that knows me, I believe that having a child has made me more childlike than I was before.

3. Having Children Isn’t A Serious Business. I used to think that having a baby around wouldn’t be much fun, but it is. And even when babies aren’t being very entertaining, you can still have fun with them. Earlier today, my wife left our (not yet mobile) son unattended in the living room for thirty seconds, so I snuck in and moved him to the other side of his play-mat. “He’s moved!” She shrieked as she returned to the room while I dissolved into a fit of the giggles. Once she realised that this was not the case, she laughed too. Having a child around just makes our lives more fun. It’s made us more fun people.

4. Having Children Is A Very Social Business. I used to believe that having a child would hamper my social life: That a child would have a similar effect on my social life to the one that the iceberg had on the progress of the Titanic. But I was wrong. Because we didn’t know many of our neighbours before, but now we know almost all of them. And their many children. We share toys, baby accessories and childhood diseases with them and our children go to play-group together. If anything, our social life has been improved by having a child. It turns out that he’s not an iceberg, he’s an ice-breaker.

5. Having Children Makes You Less Selfish. I used to believe that having children would make me more selfish. That I would resent the intrusion that a child would make on my time and would guard it jealously. But it turns out that the opposite is true. When I went to bed at 2am last Saturday morning and my son saw me and decided that he wanted to play, I didn’t mind a bit. We played for two hours and it was great fun. Then I put him into his cot and he rolled around and barked like a dog for a bit. My wife and I just lay there listening to him and laughing. I had to be up at 7am to climb a mountain. Did I mind the unexpected impingement on my time and the weariness the next day? Not a bit.

6. Having A Child Does Not Make You Housebound. I used to think that having a child would mean that I’d get to go out less. But the opposite has happened. I’m out all the time! Weather permitting, we take our son to the park every day. I’ve spent more time in parks in the last six months than I had in my entire life before we had a child. I pretty much live in the park; I’m almost a part-time tramp. As my son and I were playing on our mat the other day, a woman came up to us and said “It’s so nice to see a father spending time playing with his son.” I smiled and told her that it was no chore. And it wasn’t. I couldn’t think of anywhere I’d rather have been or anything I’d rather have been doing than playing with my son in the park at that moment. I’m always out these days.

7. Children Do Not Make Everything Messy. I used to dread the effect that a child would have on the interior of my house. I thought that all of the gaudily-coloured accessories and accoutrements that are needed for children would clutter up my house and make it a (more) horrid place to be. But they’ve improved it. We’ve got owls on the walls and windmills in the garden. In fact, we’ve got owls everywhere. But I like owls. Now I get to buy really fun and interesting things to decorate the house with instead of sobre and tasteful grown-up stuff. Our house is much nicer now and we’ve got a crocodile on the upstairs landing! Who wouldn’t want one of those?!

September 30, 2011
7 Reasons You Should Not Ride A Crocodile

Sometimes at 7 Reasons we’re bloody helpful. Today is one of those days. We know that crocodiles seem cool and it looks like it would be fun to ride one, but before you go out and try it for yourself, we want to warn you that it isn’t a good idea. Here are seven reasons why.

1. Posture. Crocodiles carry themselves very close to terra-firma. So much so that their bellies occasionally scrape the floor. People usually like to dangle their legs; but on a crocodile-back one would have to forego such a luxury. Only those who attend regular Yoga classes are going to last more than five minutes with their knees above their ears. Who would have thought doing the Downward-Facing Dog every Tuesday at 9am could prove so beneficial?

2. Danger. Riding a crocodile is dangerous as they’re amphibious. You’re not just at risk of getting your trousers wet. Crocodiles can hold their breath for up to two hours underwater, which is great for them, but you would drown in little over a minute which would be unfortunate for you, and inconvenient for the crocodile who could conceivably have to drag your waterlogged corpse around for weeks before it came loose. And the other crocodiles would probably poke fun.

3. Comfort. This may surprise the humble crocodile-boot attired 7 Reasons reader, but a crocodile was not built for comfort. With bony, plate-like scales and raised keels running down its powerful tail, you’d find more comfort racing along the Great Wall of China in a pantomime-horse costume with Anne Widdecombe playing your backside. And more fun, if you’re into that sort of thing.

4. Hunting. Don’t be thinking that your mount is going to stop trying to find food just because you’re on its back. If your croc sees a buffalo, you’d better hope you have your whistle with you, otherwise there is no way you are going to be able to referee the imminent battle for lunch. Not even Pierluigi Collina could keep a hungry crocodile from attempting to feast on a water buffalo. Even with a pair of fifth officials flanking the buffalo line.

5. Time Keeping. Crocodiles are renowned for their laissez-faire approach to time-keeping. Hence the famous expression, ‘See You Later Alligator, In A While Crocodile’. How long is a while? Ten minutes? Ten hours? Ten years? If I’m riding a crocodile, I want to know how long it is going to take until we reach our destination. If it’s ten years, I should probably bring spare pants.

6. Motion Sickness. Crocodiles are believed to have been around for over 200 million years, which is almost as long as Coronation Street. It stands to reason therefore that, if you want to know about riding a crocodile, you should consult someone that’s been knocking around for a long time. So we did, and Sir Elton John said, “Well, Crocodile rocking is something shocking”. So there you have it. If you want to avoid motion sickness, stick to riding more stable beasts. Sir Elton says so.

7. Accessories. Finding the right accessory for crocodile riding is more tricky than you’d imagine. Most people would probably think, “what goes with crocodile? I know, crocodile”, and then purchase something like a Hermes Birkin bag in the much sought-after saltwater-crocodile skin. But wait. That would be foolish, madam. Either the lovingly finished hide of the saltwater crocodile in an immaculately dyed colour will cause your crocodile to be jealous, or it will cause it to be nervous. And who knows where that could lead? It may see your handbag as some sort of rival and pounce or it may see it as a hideous portent of the future and you may experience an unexpected and unpleasant trip to the crocodile bathroom. Either way, accessorizing your crocodile is a potential minefield.

*We apologise for mentioning the Downward Facing Dog and Anne Widdecombe in the same post. And, indeed, on the same internet. We’re off for therapy now, see you tomorrow.

November 26, 2010