7 Reasons

Tag: cream

  • Guest Post: 7 Reasons To Drink Whey More Milk

    Guest Post: 7 Reasons To Drink Whey More Milk

    A man I sit next to at work drinks four pints of skimmed cow juice a day. He chugs it straight out of the bottle like a breast-starved baby and then heartily wipes the back of his hand across his milky mouth, satisfied. He’s a muscular man, a gym freak, and swears by the white stuff as if it’s natures protein shake. I call him Milky Joe.

    Since witnessing the extent of Milky’s namesake consumption, I felt it only right to research the nutritional facts, without skimming any of the details. Was it, like he said, the elixir of youth and should I become a member of the Udderly Fresh Fan Club? If so, how would I cope on a hot day?

    7 Reasons To Drink Whey More Milk

    1.  Whey more protein than your average shake. After a serious workout, the minerals (protein, calcium, zinc, vitamins A, B, iodine, potassium) in a cool glass of moo-tonic can help to soothe the lactic acid woe of muscle cramp. Whey and casein are the most common forms of protein in expensive body building supplements and work to rebuild muscle density after physical activity. Therefore, by drinking more milk, you can look like Jodie Marsh in no time.

    2.  You won’t have a cow, girl (or, No More Bad Mooooods). Being a woman, I’m allowed to admit that we can be irritable thunderstorms of head-biting fury one minute and weeping heaps of vulnerability the next. Don’t blame us, blame PMT (and try putting yourself in our shoes, I mean you don’t have to deal with any of this, I do and I’d like it if you could support me, I’m so sick of you never putting the toilet seat down and eating all the Oreos. No, come back, cuddle me, I love you so much, I’m sorry, I’m a mess, it’s not your fault, what do you mean I look funny when I cry? You’re so insensitive. I hate men. You’ve not got a clue what I’m going through! No, don’t leave, I’m only kidding. You’re so gorgeous. Let’s go to bed.). Luckily, recent studies have shown that a calcium-rich diet may ease the physical and emotional symptoms of PMT, including mood swings, backache and cramps. Emotionally stable girlfriends FTW!

    3.  Have full fat dreams. As the old wives tale goes, drinking milk before bed really does help you to sleep. Hot, cold, warm or tossed over a salad, milk is nature’s Valium. I like mine in a sippy cup with a dash of cinnamon and an episode of In the Night Garden. How about you?

    4.  Look the cream of the crop. Apparently, Cleopatra used to indulge in weekly milk baths to maintain her killer complexion. Packed with vital nutrients for skin, nails and hair, milk is the best source of sustenance for promoting external (and internal) beauty. You can even mix it (powdered, preferably) with a little honey and almond oil to make a do-all body mask of skin polishing goodness. Just make sure you wash it off before going outside or you might become a fast food joint for bumble bees.

    5.  Dairingly pearly whites. Calcium + teeth = reduced cavities, but you knew that already, right? The more milk you drink, the more you’ll get along with the tooth fairy, the more money she’ll bring. Therefore, drinking milk makes you money. Logic.

    6.  Don’t skim over allergies. Unfortunately, lots of babies are affected by an allergy to cow’s milk protein (not to be confused with lactose), which can be a feeding nightmare for new mum’s who can’t rely on their milk factories. If exposed to milk-protein, the baby’s immune system treats the protein as if it were an antigen, attacking the ‘infection’ with antibodies and so causing an allergic reaction. This leads to a screaming baby with runny eyes and itchy skin. However, high quality ELISA kits are being used to analyse milk protein in processed foods and this, ultimately, will improve the allergic milk market. Therefore, more people can join the Udderly Fresh Fan Club which can only be a good thing.

    7.  Milk is food and friend. Due to its extremely high nutritional value, milk is the only beverage in town that can be considered a food. It contains the same nutritious metrics as lots of protein-rich solids and has an ageless ability to nourish, meaning you can garner the benefits of milk from cradle to grave.

    Milk is a companion that can accompany you throughout life, whether you’ve just hit the gym hard or been hit hard by Jim, the white stuff will nourish the pain whenever things turn sour.

    Pun count: 10

  • 7 Reasons Not To Throw A Foam Pie At Rupert Murdoch

    7 Reasons Not To Throw A Foam Pie At Rupert Murdoch

    You probably hadn’t considered throwing a foam pie at Rupert Murdoch.  Nor, I must confess, had I, until Jonnie Marbles turned up at the House of Commons earlier today and threw a foam pie at Rupert Murdoch.  Then I considered it.  After a half a nanosecond or so of consideration, I came to the conclusion that throwing a foam pie at Rupert Murdoch is an imbecilic act.  I know that most right-thinking people will probably already have come to a similar conclusion about the merits of throwing foam pies at Rupert Murdoch, so they need read no further; they can simply retweet this piece, press the Google +1 button at the bottom of it (and share it on other social media too) and go on their merry way.  For all wrong-thinking people – that’s just you, Jonnie – here are seven reasons not to throw a foam pie at Rupert Murdoch.

    Jonnie marbles hits Rupert Murdoch with a foam pie
    Don't do this.

    1.  It Draws Attention Away From The Hearing.  Hitting a man in the face with a pie is a dramatic and attention-grabbing act.  Because of that, a lot of the focus of the coverage of the Murdochs’ appearance before the Commons Culture, Media and Sport Select Committee, will be about the pie, rather than the important issue of wholesale corporate corruption that was being raised.  Am I writing about the hearing?  Are you reading about the hearing?  No…well… yes, but only a tiny bit because I’m demonstrating how little we’re reading about the hearing because of the pie.  Mostly what’s happening here is that I’m writing about the pie and you’re reading about the pie.  I’ll also be reading about the pie when I edit this and eventually, once I’ve finished, I’ll be tweeting about the pie, even though the pie isn’t the point of the hearing.  The point of the hearing is corruption.  You’ve obscured that.

    2.  It Generates Sympathy For Him.  With one blow of a pie, you’ve turned this man, the head of a corrupt organisation that has nefariously committed numerous despicable and illegal acts, into a victim; someone that’s deserving of our sympathy.  Because, while every right-thinking person will abhor what was carried out in Rupert Murdoch’s name at the News of the World, that very same innate moral decency will cause them to see a frail, elderly man being subjected to an assault as an outrage.  Because assault is an outrage, no matter whom it is perpetrated against.  Even Rupert Murdoch.

    3.  You’ve Made Him Appear Lovable.  It seems that making us feel sympathy for Rupert Murdoch wasn’t enough for you though.  You’ve actually made him appear loveable.  By provoking his wife to leap so rapidly and publicly to his defence, you’ve demonstrated that he is loved, and very loyally.  You’ve taken a man that heads a sinister and morally-bankrupt organisation and caused us all to admire his wife’s love for him.  In terms of public relations, you’ve accomplished more for Murdoch in five seconds than his own PR people have managed in the past five years.  And you’re not even getting paid for it.

    4.  You’ll Look Incompetent.  While I’m no expert on pie-throwing, I can’t help but think you’re not very good at it.  You see, in my (admittedly inexpert) understanding of the act of pie-throwing, a pie is supposed to be thrown by the pie-thrower into the face of the pie-receiver, or victim as they are also known.  But what’s going on in this picture?

    Jonnie Marbles, the man that threw a foam pie at Rupert Murdoch

    That man appears to have been caught brilliantly smack in the middle of the face by a pie.  But wait!  That doesn’t look like an octogenarian media despot magnate.  That’s you!  You’ve attacked an eighty year old man with a pie and ended up wearing it.  That’s possibly the worst throw of a pie in the history of pie-throwing.  Throwing a pie doesn’t seem like a difficult thing to do, but you’re not competent to do it.  You’re not fit for pie-pose (that only works if read in a New York accent).  It was your big moment and you’ve ended up with metaphorical egg on your face.  And actual pie.

    5.  Self-Publicity.  It’s an oft-heard-phrase that all publicity is good publicity and this might be seen as having a certain truth to it.  If you’re an idiot.  For the rest of us, however, and I feel that I am speaking for the entire population of the planet here, you’re going to be forever known as the prick that threw the pie.  Badly.  That won’t help you with your comedy career.  In fact, that won’t help you with any career, and certainly not one that involves throwing or pies.

    6.  The Police Won’t Thank You For It.  The Metropolitan Police are reeling from the repercussions of the News of the World scandal and their reputation has been severely damaged by it, so sneaking into a commons committee that is being viewed by a vast worldwide audience and attacking a git with a pie is going to make them look feckless and incompetent right at the very moment that they probably don’t want to.  Now, ordinarily, exposing institutional incompetence might be seen as a good thing, but not for you, because right at this moment, the Metropolitan Police are your landlords.  They’re also your caterers; responsible for feeding you and bringing you the odd cup of tea.  Probably, in fact, very odd cups of tea.  Enjoy those!

    7.   “All The World Loves A Clown.”, according to Cole Porter.  But that’s just not true, in fact, coulrophobia is one of the world’s most commonly professed phobias.  What all the world hates, in fact, is a clown.  A clown is a coarse buffoon who throws foam pies at people.  That’s you.  For some duncical, nitwitted, dunderheaded reason you decided to disrupt a long overdue attempt to make News Corp accountable for their actions by pratting around with a pie and you’ve ended up overshadowing an important hearing and distracting from the serious testimony that was being given there.  You haven’t damaged News Corp and Rupert Murdoch, you’ve positively helped them.  You are a clown.  No one likes clowns.