Tag: class

Guest Post: 7 Reasons Why The Brits Are Uptight About Sex

1. The Conservative Party. The Conservative party specialise in a particular duality; Tories like very much to keep things business and respectable at the front, but murky, duplicitous and even sinister at the back. When I say ‘back’, I mean of course that hidden away room in the tower out on the west wing of their country pile in the depths of Surrey where they keep the, er, apparatus. This dual existence means that, instead of embracing their sexual tastes as part of their identity as they should, they prefer to hide them away and keep them under lock and key and then present this as some sort of honest virtue. What a crock.

2. The Victorians. Perhaps the definitive age in British sexual mores, the Victorians have a lot to answer for. The Victorians had a tendency to tie up and repress the bosom of their emotions in a corset or a strait-jacket and take away its air, suffocating it, starving it. Their bedrooms cold and draughty, their beds stone slabs when compared to the kind of things on offer for bedrooms today.

Of course the figurehead for this smothering of desire was the Queen herself, all jutting chin and jowel and brimming with disdain for any show of open affection: a real ice Queen. Imagine her now, faced with the flesh-fest on Geordie Shore. She’d cancel Christmas and cut off supply routes to the north-east in an instant.

3. Female Suppression. For so long in Britain, the prevailing cultures – political, social and sexual – were patriarchal. You might well argue that this is still the case. The idea of discussing female sexual desires and needs was anathema; it was all one way stuff, if you excuse the image. That whole concept is based on male control and male control is predicated on holding stuff back in case things start slipping out of their hands. Again, you’ll have to excuse the image there. Sorry.

4. Stiff Upper Lip. Brits love to be seen as old warhorses; stoic in the face of unremitting adversity; taking every blow on the chin but never giving in, always soldiering on. The old stiff upper lip. If only they’d be a bit happier about keeping something else stiff? This piffley-idea of sanctified stoicism is laughable when you think of it. It’s like the Brits have seen Sisyphus and thought what a good idea his lot in life looked like.

5. The French. Brits are terrified of the French, how they smoulder, casually turn on and turn off their passion switches, how they can make even the most trivial of actions look effortlessly cool. More than anything else they are terrified of the French having sex. And being better at it than the Brits. The Brits think that if they pretend it (ie sex with the French) doesn’t exist, then the French cannot be better at it than us. It’s an ostrich shoving their head in the ground scenario. The French know their heads are better used elsewhere. Haw, hee, and indeed, haw.

6. Class. As a nation, the Brits are utterly obsessed with class. It defines every social occasion, every coming together on public transport, every purchase they make, every personal affect. Sex of course should and does transcend any pseudo-idea of class but the Brits being the Brits think that certain sexual habits are only to be associated with the underclass whereas everyone uses a variety of vegetables as part of their sexual role-play games don’t they? Don’t they? No? Oh.

7. Eros: not just a waiter. The name ‘Eros’ to a Brit is more likely to be associated with the waiter who brought them cheap plonk in that holiday complex down on the Costa del Torquay, not the God of Love. Cupid rhymes with stupid as they see it – the Brits will always find a way to undercut, downplay and not face up to the force of true sexual emotion when they should just let everything go, open their arms wide and embrace Eros to their hearts. Even if he is a bewhiskered, doddery old fella with breath that smells of cigarettes and dried shrimp. Especially, then.

June 22, 2013
Guest Post: 7 Reasons You Should Have Paid More Attention In Art Class

When I was last at school I treated art lessons as a time to let my hair down, muck around and generally play the class fool. I don’t know what the kids must have thought of me – no wonder I didn’t last long as a teacher.

Photo by Blue Monkey

Here are seven good reasons why it really does pay to brush up on your art skills at school.

1. Think Of The Money. There is very good money to be made from art. In 1895, Norwegian artist Edvard Munch knocked up a picture of an alien-type figure holding their head in their hands while screaming on a bridge. He called the picture The Scream and it’s just been sold for $119.9 million (£74 million) at auction.

2. Anyone Can Come Up With A Great Piece Of Art. Looking at The Scream it’s hard to resist the thought that anyone could have drawn it – the figure in the picture is just one step up from a stick man; Munch hasn’t even troubled himself with the task of giving the screaming figure tricky-to-draw details like hair, eyelashes or fingernails. The Scream shows that a very simple, well-executed idea will take you a long way. And makes you lots of dosh too.

3. Making Great Art Can Be Quick. Watching the great children’s TV artists of the 1970s and 1980s go about their work provided a crash-course lesson on how to create great art quickly. Both Rolf Harris and Tony Hart worked at a frightening pace – producing two or three top-notch pieces of work in each half-hour episode. Replicate this work rate over a 9 to 5 working day and you will have lots of interesting art to sell.

4. Art College Is The Modern-Day Fame Academy. Britain has a great tradition of people going to Art College going on to become famous stars. John Lennon of The Beatles, Pete Townshend of The Who and Keith Richards of The Rolling Stones were just three of the stars who went to art college to study painting techniques and graphic design. It is worth noting that all of these stars found fame not through painting but through music and that most of the 1960s art colleges have been closed down because of spending cuts but you get the picture.

5. People Love Child Artists. Paying attention during primary school art lessons can pay dividends very quickly as the art world is particularly keen to embrace young talent. Nine-year-old Kieron Williamson is a case in point. The Norfolk lad regularly exhibits his oil, watercolour and pastel originals at exhibitions and has been dubbed ‘Mini Monet’ by chin-stroking art experts. “It’s lovely to see a nine-year-old boy keeping traditional landscape painting alive,” Kieron’s mother Michelle recently said. And there’s clearly a market for it – the youngster’s brilliant paintings fetch as much as £150,000 at auction.

6. Art Is Self-Expression. What other professions allow you to choose your own hours, attract muses and keep a messy office without the boss telling you off? Being an artist is all about expressing your inner soul and letting your creative fires burn freely.

7. Art Opens So Many Doors. And if all else fails you can always become an art teacher.

Author Bio: James Christie writes for Yellow Moon craft supplies shop.

May 10, 2012
Guest Post: 7 Reasons Your Child Should Not Be in Martial Arts Classes

Given that we have been working in such close proximity for over a year now, it’s amazing that we have never jumped off the 7 Reasons sofa and started scrapping with each other. Today, we had hoped to change that. Instead of the usual three-piece suit, we both came to work in white dressing gowns. It was time to karate chop each other. Unfortunately, martial arts teacher, Deborah Dera, took one look at us and said we were just too childlike to kick each other to pieces. So we took our dressing gowns off and went to have a sulk. In the meantime, we have left Deborah in charge of the sofa. And she has something to tell us.

The boy had nothing on Kung Fu Panda

I know that it is important for parents to find time for themselves. I know that it is important for children to remain active. What I don’t know is why some parents insist that their children are ready for activities that are either a) beyond their physical abilities or b) beyond their levels of comprehension.

That said, I’m constantly surprised (and sometimes amused) when parents bring their children in to our martial arts school and insist they sign up for classes. One look at your child tells me he’s not into it. Here are some of the things we see that you may not be hip to.

1. He’s Not Old Enough. A good martial arts instructor will not sign up children under a certain age. We do not accept children under the age of four in our school. Even at age four, we insist on a free trial class (no exceptions) so that WE can determine if your child is ready. Even still, we once had a mom lie and tell us that her child was four. He just barely made it through the trial class, so we thought maybe he’d be able to stick with the class. As time went on, it became painfully obvious he was not prepared to be in a social situation, let alone in a martial arts class. While his mother insisted he was four, she put his real birth date on the registration form. He was a very young three and a half.

2. He’s Crying. If you are pulling your child through the door while he cries and says he does not want to go in, your child may not be ready to be in a martial arts class. Ok, we get it. Some kids are shy. Those kids will stop crying after a day, maybe two or three – we had one kid who cried for two full weeks before he became the most popular kid in the class. Dragging your child through the door and insisting he cry through the class because you want him there makes no one happy – including us.

3. He Has No Concept Of Hygiene. We’re totally cool with kids needing to go to the bathroom during class. We also know that young children aren’t likely to wash their hands after going to the bathroom (thank goodness for hand sanitizer). What we don’t understand is why they look at us like we have three heads when we ask them to please, pretty please, cover their mouths when they sneeze and cough. I should not have to wipe fluids from my my arm, or face, or floor, after your child sneezes.

4. He Saw The Karate Kid Movies. I have bad news. The movies were cute (even the newest one) but we simply don’t teach the stuff your kid saw in the movies. Even worse? There will be no dramatic fight scenes on the walk home after class. That’s bound to get boring, right?

5. He Can’t Pay Attention. There is a difference between can’t and won’t. Kids who have problems won’t. Kids who simply aren’t developed enough on a mental or emotional level can’t. We don’t expect perfection but we shouldn’t have to spend an entire class finding ways to pull your kid back out of la-la land. Wait a few months and try again.

6. He Saw Kung Fu Panda. Seriously. A parent actually told me that his child wanted to take martial arts lessons because he saw Kung Fu Panda. This is worse than Karate Kid because – if you haven’t notice – it’s a cartoon. Combine this reason with the first one on the list (a three and a half year old still in diapers) and you’re in for a real treat.

7. You Have Unrealistic Goals. Please, please do not enroll your child in martial arts classes if you are not willing to give them time. Martial arts classes do help with discipline and self control, but it usually takes more than a week of classes to get the job done. The child with a history of hitting did not hit you the day after his first class because he learned how to do it in karate – he did it because he already has a history of lashing out physically. Get it?

Want to know the truth? I love ever little runny-nosed, screaming, crying kid who comes through the doors every week to check out our classes. They all bring something unique to the table. I just wish I didn’t have to turn so many away.

Deborah is a full time writer, martial artist, massage therapist, and student of life. She quit her job working with car insurance after 10 years so that she could focus on her passions – including sharing her love of the martial arts with both children and adults.

February 19, 2011
7 Reasons to Buy a Popemobile

It’s the last day of the papal visit to the United Kingdom and, somewhat to my surprise, I’ve been inspired by it. I used to believe that the bicycle was the correct vehicle for the urban environment, or that a tank would be practical, but I now realise that I’ve been a fool. The correct vehicle for the urban environment is, in fact, a popemobile. Here are seven reasons why.

1. Performance. A popemobile might outwardly appear a little too sedate for the urban environment. You might wonder how your popemobile will keep pace with modern traffic. But it will. Because the popemobile isn’t the top-heavy, lumbering vehicle that it appears to be. The popemobile that we’ve seen in the UK recently has a top speed of 160mph, and a 0-60 time of six seconds (never let it be said that we don’t do research here). Why they haven’t demonstrated this by spinning the wheels and performing doughnuts to delight the assembled crowds, I don’t know (unless they think that the smoking tyres might signify the election of a new pontiff). But the popemobile is faster than you think. And it’s also bullet-proof, which is handy if you live in Nottingham. Or near a Wetherspoons.

2. Running Costs. Now you might imagine that your popemobile will be expensive to run. And you’re right, it will be. But you can offset that cost by moonlighting as a taxi driver. You’ll make a fortune. Consider it for a moment. Imagine that you’re having a great evening out, but the time has come to return home. You might be a girl with impractical shoes, or married to a girl with impractical shoes and you’ll need to call a taxi. Or you can choose the new premium option, the popemobile taxi. Who wouldn’t pay through the nose to ride home in the popemobile? I’d be dialling MCMXIVIII to order a Vaticab like a shot.

3. View. Finding somewhere to park is one of the trickiest aspects of urban driving. Ever seen a pope struggling to find a parking space? Of course not, just look at the visibility they get in the back. You’ll be able to find a space easily. And laugh at balding people at the same time.

4. Income. The back of the popemobile is, essentially, a large glass jar. Now traditionally, in fairgrounds and confectioners, people fill large glass jars with sweets and charge customers money to guess how many are in there. And you can do that with your popemobile. You can’t just fill it with any sweet, obviously. You’ll need something (ahem) appoperiate. Werther’s Original?. You can charge people to guess how many are in there, and your vehicle will pay for itself really quickly. And you’ll meet lots of men in comfortable knitwear, which is..er…well. There must be a plus side to that somewhere.

5. Visibility. Ever lost your bland silver box of a car in the car park? Of course you have. I once spent almost an hour searching for a Volkswagen Passat I’d parked at B & Q. But with a popemobile that problem will disappear. A popemobile is visible from quite a distance. Even when there isn’t a pope in it.

6. Self-Sufficiency. We’re all looking for ways to stretch our budgets further these days, and everyone’s come over a bit Tom and Barbara from The Good Life recently. In fact, there probably hasn’t been a time since the second world war when people are growing so many of their own fruit and vegetables. In the urban environment that most of us live in though, there isn’t much space to do this. But look at the back of the popemobile. It’s glazed. You can use it as a greenhouse when you’re not cruising in it. And it’s bulletproof. So no one can off your cucumbers with an uzi. It’s an all-round win.

7. Resale Value. It’s unlikely that you’ll tire of your popemobile, but if you should, remember this. Second hand car dealers often try to attribute religious credentials to the former owners of the vehicles they’re trying to sell. “It was owned by a nun”, or “it was used by a vicar to travel around his small country parish” are oft-heard pieces of sales-patter. But imagine that you’re selling a vehicle that’s been owned by the pope? “One papal owner”? You’ll make a fortune.

September 20, 2010