7 Reasons

Tag: Clapping

  • 7 Reasons I’m Afraid of Flamenco Dancers

    7 Reasons I’m Afraid of Flamenco Dancers

     

     

     

     

    1.  Stamping.  The cacophonous, aggressive, rhythmical stamping that makes up part of the flamenco dance is terrifying.  Stamp stamp stamp stamp stamp stamp stamp stamp, it’s the sound of a lone Nazi stormtrooper goose-stepping on an upturned tea-chest.  And that’s before they begin the more frenzied stamping and shuffling – which is beyond bone-chilling.

    Terrifying!

     

    2.  Castanets.  Clickety clickety clickety click.  How do they work?  Nobody knows.  Bastard things.

    3.  Clapping.  They clap too.  They start doing this when their castanets run out of batteries or they realise they’re impossible to use or they just become heartily sick of the clicking or something.  Perhaps they clap during the dance so that I don’t have to at the end.

    4.  Shrieking.  They also shriek unexpectedly and make other startling noises.  Random shrieking is enough to put anyone ill-at-ease.  A woman started shrieking when we were in bed once.  It was most off-putting.

    5.  Fans.  They’re not content with all the stamping, clicking, clapping and shrieking, oh no.  They wave fans about too.  Well, it’s not so much waving as a sort of semi-hypnotic swooping; all swooshing and whooshing like the flight of an errant kite.  The fan moves a lot, but always covers the face.  This is good, because at some point the fan will be lowered to uncover…

    6.  The Man-Face.  Aaaarrrrrggghhhh!!!!  You’ve spent a while checking the dancer out – she has firm, shapely legs and a good figure – when she abruptly reveals the man-face.  And it’s not even the face of an attractive man.  All flamenco dancers have a man-face, every last one of them.  I don’t know why, but they do.  I know that there are Spanish ladies with nice faces, they just don’t let them dance the flamenco.  For some unfathomable reason, the flamenco is danced exclusively by otherwise elegant enchantresses with the powerful, chisel-jawed countenance of the Marlboro Man and the leaden-footed bearing of a startled horse in clogs.

    7. The Dream.  I once dreamt that a flamenco dancer snuck into my bedroom and ate my cat.  I woke with a start exclaiming, “fffffnuduhuh!”  Scared the pants off me.  And I’m quite sure I went to bed wearing pants.

  • 7 Reasons To Fly With British Airways This Christmas

    7 Reasons To Fly With British Airways This Christmas

    BA Cabin Crew

    1.  You’re the boss. The last thing BA need now is more bad publicity. The staff, therefore, are going to be under strict instructions to be extra pleasant to customers. Anything from getting away with being 3kg overweight (your luggage that is) to a constant supply of dry roasted peanuts could be yours.

    2.  Bump it up. With the cancellation of so many flights, planes are going to be even more overbooked than usual. BA are going to have to let the masses into Club Class – a beautiful place that doesn’t involve recreating the Gauntlet from Gladiators whenever you want to go to the toilet.

    3.  Relax. Flying with young children is stressful at the best of times, let alone at Christmas. It’s not a proven fact, but a quick poll suggests that 99% of parents would really rather not fly with their offspring. Thankfully, only 13% of these people decide to leave their children at the airport and go off by themselves. The other 87% just cancel their flights and stay at home. And that is exactly what they will be doing this year. Which means you can enjoy your flight without the constant sound of crying babies or the prospect of getting arrested upon arrival at your destination having throttled the little git who had been kicking the back of your seat for two hours.

    4.  Richard Branson. He never flies with BA.

    5.  Welcome on board. The six members of BA’s 12,500 strong cabin crew that haven’t decided to go on strike, will be on your flight. And make no mistake about it, they will be feeling the heat. So much so that an extra button may just happen to be undone on their shirts. Oh yes, they’ll be using their sex appeal this festive period. There’ll be a whole lot more bending over you on BA this Christmas. Just to keep you happy. And if you are really lucky it may even be a woman. (If you are a woman, you may wish to read that as man).

    6.  No clappers. A lot of Americans who are due to fly to the UK with BA will now decide to cancel their flights. This means that when you fly out to the US for New Year there will be a dearth of Yanks returning home. As a result, when you land at JFK there won’t be a round of applause for the pilot – officially the third most annoying thing in the world, after, one, applauding at the end of a film and, two, Janet Street-Porter. Why do Americans do it anyway? Why do they applaud the pilot? I’ve just spent £800 on a plane ticket. The least I expect is that I actually get to my destination alive. Just stop it America. Stop it. It’s very silly. And bloody annoying.

    7.  Back British. It’s no secret that BA are in dire financial straits. They need your money. If you don’t fly with them they will have to implement more cost-cutting strategies. Anything could happen. Leg room could be reduced to get more seats on the plane. You may have to start sharing flight socks with Doreen (she’s 78 and has a gout issue). They may even make omelettes appear at breakfast, lunch and dinner. It is your duty to stop this happening. It is your duty to fly with BA.