7 Reasons

Tag: chavs

  • 7 Reasons The London 2012 Olympic Medal Isn’t Very British

    7 Reasons The London 2012 Olympic Medal Isn’t Very British

    A year today the XXX Olympiad will be declared open in London. Today – for reasons I have failed to establish – Britain is celebrating this fact. As part of these celebrations, the medal which will be awarded to winners (as well as first and second losers) has been unveiled. The gold version looks like this:

    London 2012 Olympic Medals

    Now, I know what you are thinking. It’s not very British. Which is why we here at 7 Reasons have designed seven alternatives.

    1.  Weather. Despite our recent protestations it does seem that the vast majority of Britons love the weather. And certainly, if you ask a foreigner, they’ll say we are absolutely obsessed with it. So why didn’t we celebrate that?

    7 Reasons The London 2012 Olympics Medal Isn't Very British

    2.  Chavs. I can’t say I’m a massive fan, but chavs as fundamental a part of British society as Morecambe & Wise, fish & chips and Andrew Strauss’ jock-strap.

    7 Reasons The London 2012 Olympics Medal Isn't Very British

    3.  Tea. For some bizarre and unfathomable reason one half of the 7 Reasons team doesn’t drink tea. I dare say he also harbours a deep desire to be French. Still, we can’t go around catering for one misinformed individual. The fact is, tea is British (possibly via China) and Britishness is tea. And we should have celebrated it.

    7 Reasons The London 2012 Olympics Medal Isn't Very British

    4.  Royalty. Another very British trait is our love for the Royal Family. At least it is if you ask an American. Goodness knows how they’d react if they ever met a Republican. Of all the Royals though, there is particular fondness and admiration for the Queen. Which is why this medal celebrates Freddie Mercury’s moustache.

    7 Reasons The London 2012 Olympics Medal Isn't Very British

    5.  Queue. Unlike the French who riot (or go on strike) if someone beats them to a till, us Brits love a good queue. We could be in it for hours and not even stifle a yawn. We’ll be dealt with eventually. Just bide your time Britain, bide your time. And wear a queuing medal.

    7 Reasons The London 2012 Olympics Medal Isn't Very British

    6.  Pride. We don’t moan, we don’t complain, we don’t sulk. We just suck in the big ones, take it on the chin and carry on. That is the British way. Which is why we’d have liked to have seen Usain Bolt wearing a medal that depicts Leslie Ash’s stiff upper lip.

    7 Reasons The London 2012 Olympics Medal Isn't Very British

    7.  Beer. When the day is done and the battle has been won, there is nothing that hits the spot quite like a warm beer with a massive head.

    7 Reasons The London 2012 Olympics Medal Isn't Very British

  • 7 Reasons That Carrier Bags are Baffling

    7 Reasons That Carrier Bags are Baffling

    The carrier bag might seem like a rudimentary bit of kit.  Basic, functional, easy to understand.  But it isn’t.  Carrier bags are, in fact, among the most baffling things known to humankind.  And by humankind, I mean me.  Here are seven reasons why:

    a bag of old carrier bags. Screwed up.

    1.  Because I Have Hands.  People in shops are endlessly, needlessly trying to force carrier bags on me.  But I don’t want one most of the time.  Often, I’m just buying one or two items.  And I don’t need a carrier bag in that circumstance.  How many hands does it take to carry a single item?  One.  How many hands does it take to carry a bag containing a single item?  One.  So I don’t need a bloody bag, do I?  It’s not difficult.  And I already have a bag; it’s that thing I’m wearing over my shoulder that looks like a bag.  But despite having both hands and bags, I am continually pestered to take the things.  And I don’t know why.

    2.  Because They’re Everywhere. I always try not to take carrier bags, but despite this, my kitchen is full of the things.  And every time I go in there, there are more of them.  I don’t know how – or when – the rise of the bags began, but they are inexorably usurping our cooking space.  We started off, like everyone does, with a bag of bags, and now we have at least a bag of bag of bag of bag of bags.  Well, more than one, actually.

    3.  Because I Don’t Know What To Do With The Things.  You might think this is the point where I’m going to make a few humorous and bizarre speculations on what one might do with a glut of carrier bags, but no, I’m not going to do that.  This is because I’m totally bewildered and overwhelmed by my surfeit of them.  I have no more idea of what to do with all the bags in the kitchen than I would have of what to do with a large, glittery, singing horse called Jemima in my dining room.  Less, in fact.  Or fewer?

    4.  Because Of Chavs. It seems that the only people that have any idea of what to do with used carrier bags are chavs.  They put them over the seats of their rusty mountain bikes and tie them down to the seat-post.  All of them do this.  But I have no idea why.  It’s not to keep their bottoms dry because they never remove the bag; even after rain.  It’s a further level of bafflement.

    5. Because They’re Not In The Same Condition I Left Them In. Occasionally, a rare and wondrous event occurs:  I realise that I’m going to have to carry some presents to a friend’s house, or I’m going for a walk in the countryside and there might be blackberries to pick, and I find that I will actually need a carrier bag.  And then I excitedly perform a brief, joyous dance – a bit like a jig – while singing repeatedly “I’m going to get rid of a bag, I’m going to get rid of a bag…” to the tune of A Life on the Ocean Wave.  But when I come to use them, I discover that at least 50% of the bags are torn.  But they weren’t torn when I put them into the bag of bag of bag of bag of bag of bags.  So what the hell has happened to them in the meantime?  Do they fight?

    6.  Because People Lie About Them. It’s not just that they’re all over my kitchen, mocking and taunting me, and confounding my every attempt to get rid of them that I find them baffling.  It’s that people actively lie to us about the things.  Don’t use carrier bags, environmentalists tell us; it’s wasteful; a lot of resources are used up in their manufacture; they don’t grow on trees.  But this just isn’t true.  Carrier bags do grow on trees.  I’ve seen them.  Just go outside and look at any urban tree and you’ll see the carrier bags growing on it.  And we’re obviously using far fewer carrier bags than the trees are producing, because we’re not harvesting them with any regularity.  That’s why there’s still a Woolworths bag growing in a tree near my house.  Even though they went bust bloody ages ago.

    7.  Because Of The Holes. We all know why there’s a hole at the top of the bag.  It’s to punish people that are stupid enough to try to put baguettes into them.  But no one knows why there are holes at the bottom.  Are they drainage holes?  Is it a government conspiracy to prevent us from moving water about easily?  Is it to prevent suffocation of animals, small children and Members of Parliament?  Is it to stop me from inflating the things and then bursting them (with hilarious consequences)?  Is it just to confuse us?  Well, if it is, it’s working.