7 Reasons

Tag: cats

  • 7 Reasons To Fly A Kite

    7 Reasons To Fly A Kite

    5Kites by Kat Moser

    1.  Cats. It’s a well known fact that 80% of all missing cats are somewhere up a tree. 60% of these cats are found when someone accidentally gets their kite tangled up on the same branch. So basically, the morale of this reason is thus: If you’ve lost a cat, buy a kite.

    2.  Life Skills Training. There aren’t many more annoying things in life than Janet Street-Porter, but trying to fly a kite when there is no wind has to be one of them. Charging up and down the park, dragging a bit of string and cellophane – or whatever that material is – along the ground is enough to give anyone the hump. But this is where perseverance comes in. If at first you don’t succeed, keep trying until the wind comes.

    3.  You Want To Be David Attenborough. I, myself, have always liked the idea of being a sports commentator. Which is why, whenever I see a dog off it’s lead, I pretend it’s in a Grand Prix. It’s good practice. If you want to make wildlife documentaries, I can’t think of better place to practice than in the park. Preferably one like that in the above photo. You can make insightful comment on the relationship between a giant purple bear and a red lizard without any danger of either of them turning on you.

    4.  SOS. I know it’s unlikely, but if you ever find yourself on an apparently deserted island, well the best thing you can do is whip out your kite. Fly it high in the sky and there is much more chance of you being spotted and saved before the island monster comes and reads your mind and then kills you.*

    5.  Hand-eye Co-ordination. If you’ve ever wanted to improve your use of a knife and fork or your ability to text when drunk, then flying a kite surely has to be the perfect practice. Keep the kite in the air, without the strings tangling, without taking out another kite and without walking off the edge of the cliff. The results will be incredible. Don’t believe me? Well, you try using a knife and fork at the foot of the Beachy Head.

    6.  Chat-up Technique. If you see someone you like flying their kite, all you have to do is ‘accidentally’ run towards them and take their kite out with yours. Or, if you think they’ll provide you with a soft landing, just take them out. The next step is to be apologetic and, before you know it, you’ll be off on a date to the nearest kite repair store. Or the hospital.

    7.  Watch Retriever. You’ve probably never thought of this, but next time a magpie flies off with your watch, get the kite out. If you are quick enough you can chase after the pesky thing and capture it. Much more bird friendly than a shotgun.

    *I might have been watching Lost a bit too much.

  • 7 Reasons to get your Children a Cat.

    7 Reasons to get your Children a Cat.

    1.  Cleanliness.  Cats are self-cleaning.  They fastidiously preen themselves with their Velcro-textured tongues and consequently, unlike dogs, never require bathing.  In fact, cats are much cleaner than children and therefore set a good example to them.  They also bury their own excrement so you don’t have to worry about that either.  If you’re really lucky, they’ll bury it in a neighbour’s garden.  This is probably something you shouldn’t teach your children to do.

    2.  Ninja.  Children are loud and noisy; cats are silent and alert.  You can use the cat to demonstrate silence and awareness to your children.  There is no better stealth training than attempting to sneak up on a cat.  Your children will learn to tread carefully and to watch out for the cat’s ever-alert swivelling ears.  Who knows, they may eventually become domestic-ninjas.  Like me.

    3.  Exotic.  You want a sensible, low-maintenance, low-risk animal, but your children don’t.  Children never want sensible pets.  They always want something terrifying and dangerous like a tarantula, a piranha or a crocodile.  A cat is an ideal compromise.  Cats come with a free snake.  It’s at the back.

    4.  Porn-Star-Name.  The name of your first pet is the first part of your porn-star-name so your choice of a first pet for your children is important.  Tortoises are called things like George and Simon; dogs are called things like Pip and Rover; cats, on the other hand, have cool names like Horatio or Socks.  If you need to know how important the right pet is in determining your childrens’ future porn-star-name you should ask my wife, Fred Townsend.  Or you could ask my friend whose first pet was a cat, Lucifer Jordan.

    5.  Independence.  Cats come and go as they please through a little hole in the door.  They go out to stare at the garden gate and sit under cars for reasons that we don’t understand.  The important thing though, is that they do it unaided.  Unlike dogs, there’s no endless walking and throwing sticks to distract your children from their homework.  Besides, they’ll eventually tire of walking a dog and you’ll end up doing it yourself.

    6.  Biscuits.  Cats don’t have biscuits and chocolate drops, unlike dogs.  This means that your children will have less opportunity to play pet food related practical jokes on you or unsuspecting house-guests.  They will still substitute salt for sugar and gravy granules for instant coffee, but being served dog biscuits with your cup of tea is one less thing you’ll have to worry about if you get a cat.  This is what eating a dog biscuit did to Jennifer Aniston’s face.  Poor, poor Jennifer.

    7.  Respect.  Cats are cute and cuddly, soft and furry, content and purry – until angered.  When you anger a cat it turns from a docile, supine teddy bear of an animal into a hissing, spitting, furious mass of teeth and claws.  Nothing teaches children to respect others like being bitten on the hand or losing an eye.  If they survive cat-ownership, they will be equipped for life.