7 Reasons

Tag: Canadian

  • 7 Reasons The 2011 Canadian Grand Prix Was The Best Ever

    7 Reasons The 2011 Canadian Grand Prix Was The Best Ever

    We were originally going to discuss the benefits of taking your own chiminea to the pub today, but that’s going to have to wait. That’s because today we must acknowledge yesterday’s Canadian Grand Prix. Admittedly, it is still fresh in our minds, so really this post is for the future. In the years to come, when people need to know about the best Grand Prix ever, they will come here for the facts they can’t find anywhere else. That doesn’t mean you can’t read today’s post today, you can. It’ll just mean more to you in 2034.

    7 Reasons The 2011 Canadian Grand Prix Was The Best Ever
    Button Under Investigation For Attaching Extra Hand To Shoulder

    1.  The Comeuppance. Lewis Hamilton finally got it yesterday. And he deserved it. For far too long he has looked ridiculous. For far too long he has worn ear studs and a stupid beard. What’s that about? Doesn’t he own a mirror? Jenson Button was quite right to squash him against the wall. Perhaps now Lewis will realise that before he sorts out his problems on the track, he must sort out those developing – on his face – off it.

    2.  The Revenge. Everyone remembers when Fernando Was Faster Than You. Finally, in the 2011 Canadian Grand Prix, we had revenge. Felipe was faster than Fernando. Until he drove into a wall anyway.

    3.  The Rain. Being British we are used to rain delays. But usually it’s while a Test Match is supposed to be happening. For the duration of the delay we usually get Blowers talking about pigeons and buses. During the two hour delay during the Grand Prix, we had Martin Brundle and David Coulthard talking about red-shouldered crows and boats. Maybe it was the lack of the cravat, but listening to Brundle and Coulthard was painful. They were mind-numbingly boring. At one point I may have even started thinking about table decorations for my forthcoming wedding. They were that boring. And because of that it was quite simply one of the most genial bits of commentary I have ever heard. They took me to a point where I was desperate for racing. After two hours I don’t think I have ever wanted to see an F1 race more. I would have been happy to watch thirty laps behind the safety car. Just so Brundle and Coulthard stopped repeating the same thing every five minutes. It was the perfect contrast to what was about to develop. Well done BBC.

    4.  The Steward. Depending on which video you choose to watch on YouTube, this is either called Steward Falls Over, So Funny!!! or Steward Nearly Dies, So Scary. I’ll let you decide, but at the time I thought I was about to watch a decapitation.

    *Edit* Formula One Management have seen fit remove all evidence of this from YouTube but you can view it on the BBC Sport website which we have helpfully linked to here. Sadly, it’s only available to UK users.

    5.  The Bad Guys. There were two of them. Both Germans. Naturally. They were first and second in the running for the critical stages of the race. The leader was Sebastian Vettel. The young master who had developed a bloody annoying habit of winning all the time. In second was Michael Schumacher. The legend and one of only two drivers who could make Ralf Schumacher look stupid. The other being Ralf Schumacher. For the hero to win this race, he had to pass them both. An accomplishment that would rank alongside Sonic defeating both Dr Robotnix and Shadow.

    6.  The Good Guy. You have probably worked it out by now, but the good guy was the Brit. (The one who doesn’t look silly and isn’t of Italian and Scottish ancestry.) Jenson Button had five pit stops, a drive through penalty, two collisions, two cheese rolls, a game of Scrabble, a tinkle on the piano, a phone call with Nigel Mansell, another cheese roll, an argument with a cactus and at one point was last on the track. And yet, in a plot that makes The Love Bug look realistic, he made his way through the field and, on the last lap, passed Vettel and won. Won! And he did it all while looking like Chris Martin. Genius.

    7.  The Also Rans. This has been somewhat overlooked, but Hispania Racing achieved the best result in their history during this race – 13th and 14th. Well done to them. On a similar scale of achievement, I went thirty-six consecutive laps without needing to use the bathroom. Best effort of the season so far that.

  • 7 Reasons Not To Buy The Canadian Mint’s Royal Wedding Coins

    7 Reasons Not To Buy The Canadian Mint’s Royal Wedding Coins

    7 Reasons readers, news has reached us – a mere week after it reached the rest of the world – that Canada has decided to commemorate the wedding of Kate and William by minting (never let it be said that we don’t know technical terms here at 7 Reasons) some commemorative coins.  Here they are below these words (or above them if your internet is on the blink), and here are seven reasons not to buy them.

    Commemorative coins celebrating William and Kate's royal marriage, 2011

    1.  Because You Have Eyes.  Right about now, you’re probably going through the same thought process that I went through earlier.  Oh.  My.  God.  How have I never noticed this before?  My monitor has a sapphire stuck to it.  But I bought it from a respectable electrical retailer, not from the JJB Poundworld House of Crap.  It wasn’t there yesterday.  Has Kerry Katona snuck in and accessorised my screen in the night?  My God, what if the neighbours see it?  Or my in-laws?  They’d point at me in the street! I must get it off before people in shell-suits start complimenting me on the bloody thing…but wait…it’s not stuck to the screen at all.  It’s on the coin!  They’ve stuck it to the groom! The Canadian Mint have pimped Prince William and Pimp-Daddy Wills, he ballin’; he cash-money baby fo’ sho’. Move over, Fiddy Cent, His Royal Highness Twenny Dollars is in da house and all you bitches can suck his bad royal ass.

    2.  Because It’s Weird.  I have been unable to find a satisfactory explanation as to why Canada have taken it upon themselves to pimp Prince William.  According to the BBC, the sapphire is there to “symbolise the bride’s engagement ring”.  Now, I’m a married man, and my wife has a sapphire engagement ring, but we’re not royal, and, while I appreciate that they do things a little differently to the rest of us, at no point during our engagement did I have to wear a giant version of my wife’s (then fiancé’s) engagement ring affixed to my tie.  This is just as well, as women should never marry men who dress like Liberace’s gaudier cousin.  Nor should men.  Nor should anyone.

    3.  Because (if you haven’t poked them out while looking at the $20 coin) You Still Have Eyes. The bejewelled coin is gaudy, but the twenty-five cent coin seems to have come straight from the section of the Canadian Mint marked Argos.  It’s got a photo of the happy couple on it.  A coin.  With a photo stuck to it.  Because engraving a second coin would apparently be too much trouble for an organisation that works in the field of coin manufacture.  I don’t know what things are like in Canada, but where I live, if you find a picture stuck to your coin it’s an advert for a minicab firm, or for a bar with a drinks promotion involving WKD or Carling.  Canada: Coins are not photograph albums, and nor are they pieces of jewellery.  Coins are coins*.

    4.  The Free Market.  Don’t just take my judgement on these coins.  Well, you can, it will save you time if you just choose to agree with me as you won’t have to read the rest of this reason (the more sceptical amongst you will still have to) but the market has spoken.  According to the BBC, the twenty dollar coin – the one on the right – will cost you a hundred and five dollars.  But its value is still only twenty dollars.  So it costs eighty-five dollars more than it’s worth.  Or a hundred and five dollars more than it’s worth if you buy it with the lights on.  The market has spoken.

    5.  Because You Can’t Dry Your Royal Wedding Mug With Them.  In order to have longevity, a royal souvenir has to have a practical application.  In that way, the event is kept in the popular consciousness for a very long time.  I’m sure we all have great aunts and grandparents who still regularly dry their coronation mugs with royal wedding tea-towels and many of us learned about modern royal history by seeing those items as children.  The only practical application these coins have is that we will learn never to go to Canada (in case they pimp us too) and we’ll probably be able to purchase spinning wheel trims for a Vauxhall Cavalier with them, or one of those singing fish picture things.

    6.  Because I Beseech You.  Don’t buy these coins because – despite the random stones and pictures stuck to them – they’re still coins.  And where do all coins end up?  Yes, in my house down the back of the sofa.  Absolutely all coins end up in that sofa, and we don’t want them.  We have an innocent child in the house that we’re trying to protect from seeing such things.  Please, please don’t buy them!

    7.  What! Why are you still here?  Do you really need a seventh reason?  Fine, in that case, go back to the top of the page and look at them again then!  O Canada, what have you done?

     

    *To coin a phrase.