Tag: Business

Guest Post: 7 Reasons To Set Up Your Own Business

Stuck in a mind-numbing career, recently redundant or ready to work after study or childbirth? You might be leery of the job market but worried that setting up a business is beyond you. Perhaps you don’t think you’ll be able to raise enough capital. But did you know that most things you need to run a business are now available in monthly installments on the internet? Accountants, project management, web hosting, even entire call centres (thanks to web hosted telephony and dialler systems that can be run remotely) – so you might not need as much cash up front as you think. And there’s always Kickstarter…

Anyway, if you’re stuck on the fence, see if our reasons can’t give you a little shove…

1. It’s better than being unemployed. Many people are facing – or have already endured – redundancy over the past few years of economic uncertainty. And they weren’t the first ones. Going to the Jobcentre, relying on state (or, indeed, anyone else’s) handouts for your income (which equals safety, food and well-being, when it boils down to it) is depressing. Money for nothing sounds all very well but you don’t get much of it, and not actually earning it is not great for self-esteem.

2. It gives you a more personal sense of security. This may seem counterintuitive, since you’ll be fending for yourself. But you’ll be relying on you. Not the whims of shareholders or the narrow confines of an employer’s market. If work dries up in one area, you can go and find a new motherlode somewhere else. You will have to save up an emergency fund that can tide you over if times get tough, but otherwise you’ll be free to develop yourself and your business in whatever direction feels most rewarding – financially and personally.

3. You get to make the decisions – creatively & financially. Sure, you might make the WRONG decisions sometimes, but that is pretty much a core mechanic to actually learning anything, ever. Wrong decisions teach you how to rebound, adapt, and try again. But imagine working for someone else who frequently makes bad decisions and you have barely any control over that – over the decisions themselves, or how they’re dealt with afterwards. That’s pretty frustrating. Running your own business puts you in control.

4. You learn a lot. There’ll be all that research you do to make sure you know what you’re doing, and the people you speak to will all have something to teach you, if you’re observant. And those decisions – the ones that don’t work out and the ones that give you satisfying glow – will all stack up in your “experience and insights” hopper for retrieval next time you’re weighing something up.

5. Bragging rights – or more importantly, self-confidence. When you take all those lessons you’ve learnt, make some good decisions and things go well, you’ll receive several valuable assets: a strong indicator of what you should do more of, in order to keep succeeding; a blend of security and gratitude for proving to yourself that you’ve got your own back; and far better Facebook updates than “look what I had for lunch again”.

6. You may get to create jobs for people. If you can expand enough to become an employer, you can provide work and income for someone else. This feels really, really good.

7. It’s liberating. Becoming self-employed makes the world look like one big opportunity – to meet people, have new ideas and explore emerging trends. Reading newspapers, looking out of train windows – they all become opportunities for Having Creative Thoughts, which is a nice sensation and may lead to the next stage of your career.

Good luck!

December 21, 2012
Guest Post: 7 Reasons Not To Get Involved In Office Gossip

With friendships, hierarchies and politics in the workplace, combined with how much time we spend there, it can become very tempting to engage in gossip with colleagues as a way to while away the time and forge bonds. But it is a definite company culture no-no and can be damaging to your career. Below are 7 reasons not to get involved:

1. Reputation. Be careful not to get a name for yourself as someone who is loose-lipped. Whilst people may seem to enjoy your secret whispers you’ll soon become more associated with banter than with excellent organisatinal culture and outstanding work performance. You’ll risk looking unprofessional which could adversely affect the speed at which your career moves forward. Peers can become managers and so it’s important not to lose people’s respect for you.

2. Trust. People will also perceive you to be untrustworthy, even though they may seem to enjoy the entertainment. This means they may hold important work information back from you or not entrust you with more responsibility or special projects.

3. Promotion Prospects. If colleagues think that you are a gossip the chances are that management will discover this too. You may think that because it’s not within earshot they won’t know, but news travels fast in offices and if you lose the trust and respect of your managers then you run the risk of being overlooked for promotion, seriously impeding your career prospects.

4. Tables Turned. If you are quick to get involved in gossip and are fine with discussing colleagues behind their backs then you have to accept that this will make you an easy target for gossip too, as no one will feel any guilt about indulging in the behaviour that you clearly condone.

5. HR Reprimand. What may be seen as harmless chatting to some can be perceived as bullying by another; becoming a victim of sustained gossip can feel as aggressive as outright attacks and so it’s possible that you could become the subject of an HR complaint if you succumb to office gossip. You could be vulnerable to a formal warning or even, in severe cases, dismissal. To stay on the safe side of what can or can’t be perceived as bullying, steer clear of it altogether.

6. Looking Work Shy. As well as risking your reputation for gossiping, engaging in it reduces the amount of time you are actually spending on work, which could harm productivity levels and therefore damage your career prospects.

7. Stand Out As An Exemplary Employee. Employees who get their heads down to work and spend less time cultivating personal relationships are far likelier to be noticed by managers for their productivity and ambition. They might not be as fun around the office but it will be those who are seen to take it seriously that will be fast tracked through the hierarchy.

Follow the tips above, and you’ll always stay out of gossip trouble.

September 20, 2012
Guest Post: 7 Reasons Why Your Business Needs Data Centre Services

Plant pots. Staplers. A door. All very useful things for a business to have, we admit. But what every organisation really needs is a data centre. Don’t look at us like that! As if we’re mad. Possibly even a bit geeky. We’re not. Really! We’re just people who like looking out for others. So think of us as superheroes if you like. Cool ones without the lycra.

So a data centre – this is the jargon-y bit – is a facility which houses computers. And these computers contain all of the information of a company. Interesting so far, isn’t it? Logic would have it therefore than large companies have large data centres full of thousands of computers all doing computery things 24 hours a day. And luckily for us, logic is correct in this case. Large companies do have large data centres. And with large data centres comes great responsibility. And the necessity for Buckingham Palace style security. And sophisticated cooling systems – not easy when there’s a hose-pipe ban in place. And back-up systems in case of outage. All of these things mean that data centres can be extremely expensive to set up and run. So, why then, does your business need data centre services? Here are the answers.

 1. Spiralling costs. Downwards. No, we’re not contradicting ourselves here. Not at all. You see, you could do it yourself. You could invest in 900 Commodore 64s, 45 computer nerds with their own soldering irons and a couple of former nightclub bouncers to handle your security. Then, when it all goes wrong, you could bring in the data centre service providers. Or, you could skip straight past the local boot-fair and just have the pros do it in the first place. By using a data centre service, you eliminate the need for large investments in facilities, equipment, security and energy. A survey in Sourcingmag.com, reported that 44 per cent of businesses outsource their data centre services for this very reason. And quite frankly, if it says it on Sourcingmag.com, then why are we even thinking about it?

 2. “So, you know about USB ports I take it?” That’s just one of the questions you may find yourself asking IT experts if you decide to hire specialists yourself. And that’s a bit like asking a cow if it knows it’s eating grass. Pointless, as neither will bother replying. By using data centre services, you can leverage the IT expertise of experienced data centre staff without having to hire your own specialised team. Or looking on Google for interview questions.

 3. There’s no such thing as a handyman. The days when everyone in the business knew how to do everything have gone. By outsourcing your data centre services, you can free up your staff to focus on internal business operations, not work out if they can fry an egg on a server. Data centre staff are experienced in the business. Let them take care of day to day maintenance issues while your staff focus on your bottom line.

 4. Tick Tock. Yes, there’s also the time issue. By outsourcing, you can also speed up the time it takes to complete data centre projects. Doing such projects internally can take years. Let’s be honest, most workers take half-an-hour to make a cup of tea. What are they going to be like faced with something that sizzles and bangs when you add sugar to it? Outsourcing can get the job done properly within months.

 5. The man who knew too much. Data centre managers often have to manage a number of data centres whose primary focus is delivering data centre services. Which basically means they know their stuff. And more. They will baffle you with words long and short, but at the end of the day they’ll have the expertise to deliver a top service while applying industry best practices to their operations. Which is much more preferable to putting Mike in charge. Yes, he’s the one who tried to fry an egg and sprinkled sugar in the sockets.

 6. Grow today. Not tomorrow. Assuming your business isn’t ‘Bob’s Burgers’ on the A27, the chances are you’ll be looking to grow and transform. By outsourcing data centre services, you free up internal resources to focus entirely on the critical process. And if you are from ‘Bob’s Burgers’, well you’ll just have to be content in the knowledge that the only thing growing is your customers’ waistband.

 7. Customers! Without them, you’re going no where. The last thing you want is to have to cancel a business meeting because everything your company has ever done is being slowly deleted from your server after Mike – yes, him again – got superglue down the sides of the Ctrl-Alt-Del keys. By outsourcing your data centre services, you free up employees to focus on customer retention and business operations. And that’s the way it should be.

July 18, 2012
Guest Post: 7 Reasons To Rent A Self Storage Unit

If you thought self storage units were just for storing stuff in, you’d be wrong. Yes, you can use storage to stow your furniture when moving house, hoard your bric-a-brac from yesteryear or safely store those family heirlooms, but a growing number of people are finding all sorts of other clever uses for self storage units. Check out these inspirational reasons why you should bag yourself a self storage unit.

It’s a little known fact that The Beatles used to practice in a self storage unit. Somewhere near Liverpool.

1. Really Good For Rockers. Accessible 24 hours a day, and with no neighbours to upset, more and more bands are turning to self-storage facilities as a place to practice. As well as offering a consistent venue – removing the worry of where you’re going to get together every wee – a storage unit means you can lock up your kit in a secure location as well as providing some awesome acoustics! So good are the sound qualities in fact that in 2006, up-and-coming rock band Mohair actually recorded a track at south Safestore London and, although the song never charted, critics loved its “squally” tone.

2. Brilliant For Business. With no business rates and no utility bills, self storage units are ideal for businesses. Literally thousands of small business owners already make use of self storage, with business customers believed to account for up to a third of the UK’s rented space. So, if you’re selling online and you’ve no need for a physical store front, or your home business has outgrown the garage, self storage provides an excellent solution and, with everything included in one monthly bill, it makes budgeting simple.

3. Ideal For Pumping Iron. Take a storage unit, add some weights, a running machine and even a punch bag and you have yourself a fully functioning gym. Small units can be utilised for private gyms when space at home simply doesn’t permit. Larger facilities can be made into fully functioning gymnasiums and martial arts gyms, meaning that, as a business grows and cash flow increases, more space can be added without the concern of spiraling rates and utility bills.

4. Wonderful Workshops. If you’re into repair and restoration, a self storage unit can make an excellent workshop. From antique furniture to engine rebuilds, storage units provide the perfect venue for any restoration projects without the need to clutter up your own home with random spare parts.

5. Awesome For Art. Many folk look at a storage unit and see space, but show it to an artist and they will see something altogether different. Some see the ideal studio space where they can create their next masterpiece, whereas others see the ideal venue for their next exhibition. With floor space for stunning sculptures and wall space for passionate paintwork what better location for an edgy art installation?

6. Delightful For Dancers. From ballet to street, storage facilities up and down the country are being utilised by all kinds of dancers and crews. Affordable and dry, storage units make the ideal rehearsal studios for those on a tight budget. All that’s required are the addition of a few mirrors and an audio system and your unit is good to go. No more fighting to book slots at the local studio or practicing routines in the park.

7. Superb Studies. When home life is a little hectic and there’s just no where to get away from the hustle and bustle of modern family life, why not retreat to your own personal den. From novelists and poets to copywriters and freelance journalists, many professionals have chosen to rent a self storage unit simply for a spot of peace and quiet. Kitted out with desks, lamps, filing cabinets and a laptop, these unique dens provide a veritable haven of tranquility from the outside world – ideal for those who simply must concentrate without interruption.

March 2, 2012
Guest Post: 7 Reasons To Visit The Middle East And Africa Region

As if you need an excuse to pack your bags – yes, throw in the laptop if you must, just in case you find a spare few minutes for working – and jet across to the Middle East and Africa region. But if you do how about sunshine, beaches, culture, history, hell even meetings in Middle East and Africa are tempting when you consider the surroundings!

1. Full Of Surprises. The Middle East is often featured in the news, and it’s easy to get the wrong impression of these countries. Visit it, however, and you’ll be amazed at what you find, be it the picturesque beauty of the villages of Syria, Tel Aviv’s Jaffa district, the breathtaking Atlas Mountains or the modern architecture in Dubai.

2. Sunshine. Relax and enjoy the balmy and often seriously hot weather in this region. After your many meetings in Middle East and Africa, you’ll be ready to hit the beach or explore the desert. Why not try Jumeirah Beach in Dubai or a desert trek in Jordan? Feel the warmth and then decide how active you want to be! There’s a chance you’ll opt for a cool drink and good book as you chill during your leisure time.

3. Comfort. As a business traveller to the Middle East and North Africa, comfort will be a concern – maybe you have images of sweaty-backed meetings and clammy handshakes. Well, you’d be wrong, unless you happen to be unnaturally sweaty of course. All the major buildings including Holiday Inn Dubai where you can hold your conferences or business meetings have air conditioning to make sure the temperature indoors is far cooler than it is outside. You can work as though you were at home, although when you glance out of the window you may get a surprise!

4. Culture. There is so much to see and do in this part of the world that you’ll be spoilt for choice. Israel is a place rich in history and here you’ll be able to explore ancient sites and enjoy explorative walks. Likewise, Egypt is steeped in history, considered the oldest tourist destination in the world. In contrast, it’s modern fanfare that you get in Dubai, with lavishly constructed contemporary buildings such as the wave-shaped Jumeirah Beach Hotel, although there is also ample Arabic architecture to view – such as the Bastakiya Quarter and the Jumeriah Mosque.

5. Nightlife. Cosmopolitan cities in the Middle East and Africa region like Dubai have a buzzing nightlife that includes bars and restaurants, concerts, street parties and nightclubs.

6. Adventure. There are fantastic things to do, from diving in the Red Sea to gawping at the pyramids in Egypt. Egypt also offers adventures in the Sahara Desert and Nile cruises for sightseeing in style. Or perhaps an exploration around Atlas Mountains would get your heart racing. Alternatively, there’s the Dune Dinner in Dubai that consists of blasting over sand dunes in buggies, visiting a camel farm, watching a glorious sunset and then tucking into a barbecue dinner – it certainly beats your average UK barbecue of charcoaled bangers, rain and wind with a background view of your neighbour’s ornate flowerpots.

7. Gold. Dubai is called the City of Gold for good reason, and if it’s shopping you’re after then this is the city for you. There is more gold and jewellery on offer than you’ll be able to shake a credit card at in Gold Souk or Gold Market, and many of the air conditioned shopping malls are open until midnight so there’s ample time to part with your hard earned cash.

January 3, 2012
Guest Post: 7 Reasons To Meet At Crowne Plaza Hotels And Resorts

Whether you’re a busy business bod jet-setting your way around the most important cities in the world or a chilled explorer of the globe’s supreme sights and sounds, you’ll want somewhere to rest your worn-out brain cells or blistered feet at the end of the day. Crowne Plaza Meetings are the way to go, regardless of your destination and travel reason, ensuring you can work or play in suitable and comfortable surrounds.

1. Business Matters. You can be more in the zone than a neighbour at a neighbourhood watch meeting and more impressive than a chocolate teapot juggler, with Crowne Plaza meetings. Smart premises, professional service and modern equipment all ensure your meeting or conference is a success, allowing you to make an excellent impression on clients and colleagues – and not simply your chair. The room can be decked accordingly, guest speakers can be made to materialise, workshops can be run, and even an entire course can be conducted on the premises, with your own website at your disposal for many of the business matters.

2. Fun Times. Maybe you’re sick of meetings and the thought of arranging a business function at a Crowne Plaza Hotel makes you feel unsteady – instead, why not throw a party? As always, any excuse will do, be it your dog’s birthday, 17 days since your last party, or a friend’s twenty-third twenty-first.

3. Venues For Hire. If you want a venue for your wedding that will reduce the stress and strain of the big day thanks to the excellent facilities and friendly, capable staff, Crowne Plaza is a good choice. Able to cater for up to 1000 people for a banquet-style occasion, you’ll be able to find the venue you’re looking for.

4. Good Food. Whether you want a working lunch, food full of nutrients to fuel you throughout the long meeting and help to keep you conscious, or a delicious dinner consumed at a leisurely pace, Crowne Plaza meetings provide food for the occasion. Fresh, healthy and, most importantly, tasty, meals can be served during your business meeting, conference, birthday party or indeed visit to the restaurant.

5. No Hassle. You’re a busy individual – we all are these days. If you’re not dashing from one serious meeting to the next, you’re probably quickly checking Facebook on your smartphone or playing a rushed game of Angry Birds as you walk down the street. So the last thing you have time for is a long booking system when you want to arrange venues for hire or meeting space – instead, simply search on Crowne Plaza’s website to find exactly what you’re looking for in an instant. Plus, the moment you pick up the phone or drop an email to start your enquiry, you’ll be assigned your own Director. Oh yes, direct away my friend and your meeting, conference, wedding, guest speaker event, quad biking activity, workshop or otherwise will be arranged.

6. Fitness. Corporate wellbeing is all the rage nowadays, but your wellbeing has always been all the rage – which is why so many of the hotels feature a fitness centre. Run on the treadmill or, if you feel you do enough of that at work anyway you could spend some time in the sauna.

7. Choice. The reassuring thing is that you can travel to an array of cities around the world and chances are you’ll be able to find a Crowne Plaza Hotel just round the corner. With 92 hotels scattered across Europe, the Middle East and Africa, you’re bound to find the smart business premises you need as well as the snazzy resort you’re longing for.

December 30, 2011
Guest Post: 7 Reasons To Visit France For Business Travellers

France is a sophisticated, cultured country that is a must-visit place for any business traveller, especially the sophisticated sorts. Whether you’re passing through for a quick meeting or conference, or plan to spend a few days in Paris getting to know colleagues or attending a trade show, there are numerous reasons to select France for your business matters.

1. Creativity. France is well known for its innovation and invests heavily in creativity, which in turn inspires individuals. Let your imagine run wild as you talk strategy or chair a few Holiday Inn meetings France, enjoying the benefits of good living standards, highly educated workforce and supportive business venues – and of course the odd drop of red or fizz certainly doesn’t dent one’s creative juices. It’s no wonder that more than 20,000 international firms choose to have a base in France to boost their business.

2. Location. Glance at a map and you’ll spot that France is rather centrally situated in Europe, a hop, skip and jump away from other European nations and boasting good links to getting around. Train and motorway links are excellent, as are airports, letting you travel when and where you need to. Plus, there are ample places to stay and things to do within the country, meaning business travellers don’t need to look too hard to find a way to recover from the tedium of the long, drawn out meetings.

3. Variety. Regardless of whether èvènements d’entreprise, aka corporate events to the uninitiated, or leisure time are top of your list, France is such as diverse country that you can choose to arrange Holiday Inn meetings France in a bustling city or somewhere far more picturesque in the countryside. Ready for business, finding a venue in this country won’t be a challenge.

4. Long Lunches. The perfect combination of work and food is a given when you’re in France on business, with most firms insistent on taking lunch. And we don’t mean munching on a dry sandwich from the inadequate canteen, hunched over your desk, trying to catch up on today’s events or read the notes for your next meeting which you should have read and prepared for weeks ago, while you spill mayonnaise and dribble coffee on your keyboard as you’re in such a hurry to consume the grub. No sir, we mean tottering to a lovely little cafe or restaurant and settling in for a couple of hours – starter, main, dessert, coffee, cheese and, of course, lots of chatter about work and other important matters including which wine to order. Let the creativity flow!

5. Relaxed Pace. While you’ll need to dress the part, with a suit and smart attire, punctuality tends to be fairly relaxed in France. So take your time in the morning, let your croissant and tea settle before dashing to your first meeting, knowing that a fairly flexible approach is taken to such matters.

6. Time Off. Once your meetings are over and done with, you can relax and decide how best to spend your afternoon, evening or weekend. Depending on whether you’re doing business in Paris or attending èvènements d’entreprise (we’re not telling you twice) in some idyllic location in the south of France, there will be plenty to do. From fine dining to pavement cafes, museums and diverse galleries, jazz clubs, chateaus and breathtaking scenery, France is perfect for the business traveller with a bit of spare time on his hands.

7. Language. Now you have an excuse to learn a bit of French, to acquire the language of love – knowing the language, even if it is rudimentary, will stand you in good stead when you meet colleagues at corporate events or attend a conference. Furthermore, it’ll make sightseeing that bit easier if you know how to order “a glass of champagne”, “your finest cake” or arrange your travel details for your next meeting location in France.

December 29, 2011
7 Reasons Your Business Should Use Energy Comparison Websites

With energy prices set to soar yet again, more and more businesses are starting to take the decisions they make about their energy supplier far more seriously. Long gone are the days when you’d just sign on the dotted line and agree to any rate as long as you had power to the PCs. These days businesses really are looking for the best deals. Using energy comparison websites such as uSwitch for Business can help you do just that. Here’s why:

1. Apathy. Be honest, the thought of choosing an energy supplier doesn’t exactly get you hyperventilating with excitement does it? When it comes to running a business it’s very much a chore. A chore you’ll probably get one of your colleagues to deal with. The problem is – and we hate to be the ones to break it to you – your colleague is far more interested in playing with the new app on their smartphone than talking with energy suppliers. As a result you’ll get a knock on the office door at 4.59pm and the message, “I can’t find any better deals than the one we’ve got.” Of course they couldn’t. They didn’t even look. It would have taken minutes on uSwitch for Business.

2. Logic. If your company was going to buy a new car, printer, water cooler or bottle of milk, you’d look around for the best price. Well, maybe not for the milk – you’d probably break the petty cash piggy bank for that – but for the more outlandish investments definitely. Unfortunately, energy prices now fall into that outlandish category. As a result, it’s time to treat them as you would that new vehicle. It’s common sense really. And all good businesses are built on a foundation of common sense aren’t they?

3. Impartiality. Let’s spoil a myth. If you phone up energy supplier A it’s highly unlikely they’re going to tell you to give B a call. Similarly, B aren’t going to suggest you contact C. Sad as it may seem, A, B and C all want your money and will do their best to convince you that they are the best. To discover which two are being economical with the truth, use a comparison website like uSwitch for Business. They aren’t interested in which supplier you go with, they are interested in making sure you get the best deal. (Incidentally, there aren’t energy suppliers called A, B and C, so don’t bother searching for them. We were just being impartial).

4. Jargonbusting. With so may tariffs and rates and rules and regulations, working out which supplier you should go with is a bit of a nightmare. Just understanding half the spiel is complicated enough. Who knows, perhaps they write things in such a way that you’re meant to get confused and bored before the end of the second paragraph. Perhaps that’s their best chance of getting you to sign. It’s good to know then that you’ve got someone like uSwitch for Business who will cut through all that nonsense and tell you, simply – in English, not gibberish – who will give you the best deal.

5. Cost. This is probably what you’re most interested in isn’t it? The good news is there is money to be saved here. So before you automatically renew your contract, take a look around. Use uSwitch for Business and see how much they can save you. It could be as much as 70%. That’s a massive saving on a packet of doughnuts, let alone on your energy bills.

6. Time. It’s an old saying and it’s probably become something of a cliché now, but that’s not to say it isn’t true. Time is money. If you have the time to speak to dozens of different energy suppliers, find out what they have to offer and then do your own comparison, then either your company is leading the way out of the economic gloom or you’re doing it wrong. The chances are your company doesn’t have the time to sit down for a day and analyse who you should go with and why. You’re far too busy doing what you’re supposed to be doing. Or planning the Christmas party. That’s why comparing gas and electricity for business on comparison websites is an absolute time saver. And time is money.

7. Gimmick Free Zone. Which bank would you choose – the bank that can get you the best rates or the bank that has the radio station or the water-slide? One would hope, for your sake, that it’s the former. Deciding which energy supplier to go with is exactly the same. No one is interested in the fact that supplier A can get you 20% off at the local spa, nor are they interested that B can get you 10% off your mobile contracts if you switch from that network to that one within 30 days of signing a contract. All businesses want to know is who is the best energy supplier for their needs. And that’s exactly what energy comparison websites such as uSwitch will tell you.

October 29, 2011
Guest Post: 7 Reasons There Is No Such Thing As A Free Lunch

It has, I think you’ll agree, been too long. Too long since Dr Simon Percy Jennifer Best sat on the 7 Reasons sofa and shared with us thoughts from the deepest sanctums of his mind. Today that changes. Because he’s back. He needs no further introduction so we’ll leave you in his capable hands. We’re off to the pub for lunch. He’s paying.

‘Free Lunch’ by The Ethicurean

“There’s no such thing as a free lunch” is one of those glib phrases that people trot out and everyone accepts without investigation in to its accuracy. Now you don’t need to, because here I give seven reasons as to why there really is no such thing as a free lunch.

1. Potential Suitors. Often on a date, especially in these enlightened times, people will spilt the bill. But there might be a rare occasion when you’re taken out for a meal and the other person offers to pay. “Great,” you think. “A free lunch!” Wrong. The chances are that they will want something in return, a walk along the beach, a goodnight kiss, your hand in marriage. Would you swap any of these for a spaghetti carbonara? No. Nor would I.

2. Aged Relatives. Imagine the scene. You’re an impoverished student and your Great Aunt Doris* rings you up and invites you round for Sunday lunch. “Great,” you say to yourself. “A change from tinned tuna and beans on toast, and a free lunch!” Wrong. You arrive and while the smell of roast beef is wafting through the house, Great Aunt Doris will ask you for help with something relatively straight forward, changing a light bulb for example…. By the time you’re able to escape several hours later you’ve cut the grass, creosoted the fence, put out the bins, cleaned out the guttering and regrouted the bathroom. You’ve saved her several hundred pounds and given vast quantities of labour in return for a bit of overcooked beef and soggy Yorkshire puddings.

3. Business Lunches. We’ve all been there. Arranging a meeting and your colleague/client says, “why don’t we meet over lunch, we can get it on expenses”. “Excellent,” you think. “A day that I don’t have to pay for an over-priced sandwich and get a free lunch!” Wrong. Okay, you can get to see people and impress your colleagues, but it requires you to talk to people and costs valuable time. There is a surefire rule that applies to meetings: not only do they cost valuable time, but you invariably leave them with more work to do than at the start. Is the free lunch worth it when you have to stay in work late and buy an expensive Chinese takeaway for dinner so you don’t collapse with starvation before you get home?

The same applies to conferences where, although the lunch is free, the cost is to your soul. It dies around the same time as the first speaker puts up his fourteenth powerpoint slide.

4. Friends With Children. There is a stage in many people’s lives where you are single, but have friends who are married with kids. You probably get to see these friends less often. Then, when summer starts they ring you, “come round for a barbecue, we’ve still got lots of wine left over from Timmy’s christening so there’s no need for you to bring anything”. You’re free, you want to see them and excited at the prospect of free food AND drink. Well, calm your excitement. This invitation is just a thinly veiled ruse by the parents to neck as much chardonnay as they can while their hyperactive children, thrilled by the novelty of a new adult, begs you to play with them. As for the free lunch? Not a bit of it. Okay, you get plenty of grilled chicken and salad and a couple of glasses of wine. Cost to you: a dry cleaning bill for your grass stained trousers, a new hat after your panama is used as a Frisbee and a large chiropractors bill having been rugby tackled by “little” Jamie, who is nine years old but already the size and weight of Brian Moore.

5. Parents Of Your Future Spouse. Picture the scene. You’ve been with your girlfriend/boyfriend/partner for a respectable length of time. Then one day they say to you, “my parents have invited us for lunch on Sunday” Cue you breaking out into a cold sweat about what to take them. Your partner reassures you that their mother doesn’t need flowers, and their father doesn’t need a bottle of Scotch. “Phew,” you think. “A free lunch!” Wrong. You’re on to a loser here. If it goes badly and you’re (even inadvertently) rude about them/their house/their food/their dog or, perhaps worse, you’re too friendly and don’t give your partner enough attention, then you pay by having to buy them presents in recompense. If it goes really well it will progress your relationship to the stage where it costs you a hefty amount for an engagement ring or your life if you find yourself married to them.

6. Single Friends. I, like lots of people, have single friends who are, lets face it, what can charitably be described as “hard work”** When your friend that fits that description sends you an innocuous text message saying, “let’s meet for lunch, my treat,” you may think that means a free lunch and a pleasant afternoon. That text message notification should actually be an alarm bell, as what it actually means is an afternoon where you spend hours counselling them about their life, their job, their latest (failed) relationship, clothes and the price of garden furniture. This involves you consuming the annual output of a medium sized French vineyard to cope. They join you in polishing off several bottles, then when the bill comes they say, “I’ll pay for the food, can you get the wine?”. Free lunch? Not a bit of it. There’s a very real prospect that you will need to remortagage your house to pay your credit card bill that month.

7. Yourself. Clearly the only safe person to have lunch with is yourself, you would be paying so obviously it wouldn’t be a free lunch, but it’s likely it will be cheaper than the other options.

*If you don’t have a Great Aunt Doris then you can imagine my Great Aunt Doris.

** I don’t rule out the possibility that I am, for some of my friends ‘hard work’.

October 15, 2011
7 Reasons to be Glad That The Transfer Window Has Closed

Hurrah! It’s finally over! And here are seven reasons to be glad that it is.

1. There’ll Be More News. The 24 hour rolling football will finally stop and news stations and channels will carry actual news: Proper news; vital news; weighty news of great import, historical gravity and epoch-defining momentousness. For all we know, Beyonce could be pregnant and because of the transfer deadline day absolutely no one in the world will have heard about it. Also, Colonel Gaddafi could still be hiding in a tunnel somewhere, possibly in Libya. Literally anything could be happening out there and we wouldn’t know because of the seemingly endless saga of will he/won’t he buy him, will he/won’t he join them and David Ngog? Hahahahahahaha!!!! Let’s find out what’s happening in the world.

2. There’ll Be Less Bullshit, Rumour, Bullshit, Bullshit and Bullshit. There’s a saying in motor sport: When the flag drops, the bullshit stops, but there isn’t enough fabric in the world to make enough flags to stop all of the falsity, mendacity and unabashed calumny that makes up the speculation on transfer deadline day. And even if there were, there wouldn’t be enough seamstresses to sew them, poles to fly them from and this analogy stops here as it’s making the writing part of my head hurt. It seems that absolutely anyone can say absolutely anything and get it reported by ordinarily sensible yet temporarily scoop-frenzied news organisations (and Sky) on transfer deadline day. You would think there would be a limited number of Dan’s cousin’s osteopath’s brother’s friend Terrys that could possibly be at an airport terminal or a motorway service station to witness Sol Campbell (who by my reckoning is now at least eight thousand years old) heading off to one training ground or another, but apparently there aren’t. Dan’s cousin’s osteopath’s brother’s friend Terry achieves absolute omnipresence on transfer deadline day as does Yossi Benayoun who, according to Dan’s cousin’s osteopath’s brother’s friend Terry has now signed for at least six clubs and consumed twelve different flavours of Ginsters pasties at various motorway service stations across the land. And every word of this gets reported in every medium by every organisation reporting on the looming transfer deadline. Benjamin Disraeli said that there are“…lies, damned lies, and statistics”, but he never experienced a transfer deadline day. On transfer deadline day there are no statistics.

3. Arsenal Fans Will Seem Less Mad. If you’re of the opinion that Arsene Wenger has lost the plot in recent months with his bizarre refusal to sign any football player that is both over the age of twenty and has a spine, you could be seen to have a valid point. But Wenger’s reluctance to spend his football club’s money buying football players for their football team has made such blubbering wrecks of the supporters that Mr Wenger himself seems like the sanest man in the world (except David Dimbleby) in comparison to them. I’ve experienced this myself as, while I don’t support a Premier League club, I think that a strong and competitive Arsenal team is a lovely thing to watch and makes the Premier League competition far more exciting. Today I’ve frequently found myself foaming at the mouth and bellowing “Buy him! Buy him! Buy him!” This happens whenever Dan’s cousin’s osteopath’s brother’s friend Terry spots any footballer with at least one and a half working legs and the ability to grow even the sparsest of beards within a hundred mile radius of North London. The combination of Arsene Wenger’s parsimony and transfer deadline day have contrived to turn me into a babbling idiot (even more so than usual). It must be so much worse for those that actually care: Those poor people also have to bellow “Sell him! Sell him! Sell him!” whenever Nicklas Bendtner’s name is mentioned. It must be hell for them.

4. We’ll Rediscover Words. How often do you hear your own name said out loud? A couple of times a day? Ten times a day? It might be more if you’re gregarious or popular, I wouldn’t know. One thing I do know though, is that if your name is Scott Parker you’ll have heard it said out loud more often than anyone else in the entire history of humanity. Anyone that has watched a sport bulletin between May and September (that period we refer to ironically as “the summer”) this year will have heard the words Scott and Parker more times than they’ll have heard the words if, it, bit, but, the, a, dog and salamander combined. Oh, and and. Craig David has heard his name said out loud fewer times than Scott Parker has and he spends his entire life singing it at people.

5. We’ll Be Less Baffled. My wife knows less about football than I know about the female orgasm. Of the sea otter. And when she turned to me today and wearily asked “Why do they always leave it until the last minute?” I loftily dismissed her amateur enquiry and, in a knowledgeable and not un-patronising tone replied, “It’s because…”. That’s as far as I got. Because when the transfer window is open from the end of the previous season until the end of August, it’s absolutely barmy to be trying to buy a player (that the selling club usually need to replace) minutes before the window shuts. The buying club won’t find a bargain as the seller will be far more reluctant to sell them at that time and they won’t get a pre-season to help them settle into the squad. There is no level on which leaving buying a footballer until the last minute makes any sense. Unless it’s the same level on which Jedward are entertaining and Nando’s is a desirable place to go for dinner, in which case it makes all the sense in the world. More probably. All of the sense everywhere. Even the sense in the cupboard under the stairs and the sense that has dropped out of your trouser pockets and fallen down the back of the sofa. Am I still making sense? No? There, that’s how much sense leaving it until the last minute makes.

6. We Will All Be Safe. It’s okay. Really, it’s alright now. We can all breathe a deep sigh of relief and relax as we’re all perfectly safe now. Though it does seem that their strategy is to buy absolutely everyone in the world, there are rules and regulations to deal with that sort of thing and if you haven’t already been purchased by Manchester City (something that is worth checking), you won’t have to worry until January. I’ve spent much of the last month absolutely terrified that I’m going to get signed and dragged off to Manchester to play football in the rain, but I seem to have escaped. My five month old son (who can nearly stand up unaided) seems to have slipped the net too. We got off lightly, as it seems that they’ve even resorted to raiding hospitals to find players to sign.

7. Football Will Be About Football. Remember when football was about football? That wondrous, gilded, golden-age when football wasn’t about finance, negotiation, and acquisition? When it was about sport and not business? Now that the window’s slammed firmly shut, those of us that want to see business (and who amongst us doesn’t find watching a meeting utterly thrilling?*) can watch Dragon’s Den or The Apprentice and those of us that like football can watch football which is a sport, not a bunch of self-centred prima-donnas making utter cocks of themselves for our entertainment. Oh, it turns out that it is. Still, it’ll be nice change from all of the business. Until it all starts again in three months. Bugger.

*Yes, it’s me.

August 31, 2011