7 Reasons

Tag: Bob Willis

  • 7 Reasons Robert George Dylan Willis MBE Scares Me

    7 Reasons Robert George Dylan Willis MBE Scares Me

    Last week we gave you seven compelling reasons not to watch the Cricket World Cup. How many of you listened to us? Probably not many. And I don’t blame you. I mean, I didn’t even listen to myself. I’ve watched every game so far. But that’s not because I am addicted to the sport, it’s because it constitutes research. It was suggested by Marc that we could write about the Cricket World Cup every Friday. It wasn’t a bad idea – every time we write about cricket we send shockwaves through India. So I agreed. Apart from the dodgy fielding, the one-sided nature of the games and the sparse crowds, the one constant has been former England paceman, Bob Willis. For seven days now he has been sat on the red sofa at Sky Sports scaring the hell out of me. Here’s why:

    Bob Willis Scares Me
    Don’t Let The Smile Fool You. The Real Bob Willis Never Smiles.

    1.  Focus. It’s a frightening sight. When the producer whispers, ‘Camera one Mr Willis’, in Bob’s ear, the robotic state is initiated. His head turns sharply to the camera. Like a Tyrannosaurus Rex who has just spotted his prey, Bob doesn’t even…

    2.  Blink. His eyes are wide as he stares down the camera lens. Deep, deep, deep into your lounge goes his glare. Deep, deep, deep into your soul. And then, his lips begin to move. In his…

    3.  Monotone voice, his monologue begins. His ability to maintain an unwavering pitch for so long is a remarkable feat of endurance. Though for a robotic devil fairly standard I imagine. On and on he drones. No matter whether he is impressed or furious, it’s the same tone. It’s hypnotic in its powers. I know what he’s trying to do. He’s trying to put me to…

    4.  Sleep. He wants my soul. He wants to sell it on eBay. “I must stay awake,” I tell myself. “Bob Willis must not be allowed to submit a fake bid for my soul in oder to bump up the price.” My eyelids are heavy, I try and reach for the remote control but I am not not going to make it. I’m drifting! I’m drifting! Then, suddenly, a saving grace. The shot zooms out. The vision of Robert Croft and Michael Holding is momentary relief. But then I notice the…

    5.  Giant of a man to their right. Bob Willis is huge! He looks like the BFG sitting on that Sky Sports sofa. I know he’s a giant because his knees are higher than his coccyx. He looks comfortable in his own uncomfortableness. This only scares me more. I can’t help but imagine him standing up. His head would be on the second floor. It’s the only time I hunger for a zoomed-in shot of Bob’s face. I don’t hunger for long, the producer adheres to my cries for mercy. Round two begins. He still wants my soul. I’m immediately drawn to his…

    6. Lips. Not in a sexual way. In the way I would watch a goldfish open and close his mouth. And then I actually start listening to what he is saying. And I find myself agreeing with him. Bob is right. You just can’t afford to make that kind of mistake at this level. Oh good gracious me! Bob Willis is making…

    7.  Sense. And this is the scariest thing of all. Already this year I have found myself agreeing with Boycott. What is happening to me? Am I becoming their bitch?

  • 7 Reasons We Fall Asleep

    7 Reasons We Fall Asleep

    Bob 'The Sleep Doctor' Willis

    1.  Bob Willis. I guess Bobby is most famous for destroying the Australian batting line-up at Headingley in 1981 (and being continually overlooked for this feat since). These days he would probably be described as a cricket analyst/commentator. Sadly, I have no idea whether he is any good or not, because, within half a minute of hearing his voice, I am out for the count on the chaise longue. Mr. Monotone is the sleep doctor.

    2.  Sunday. Everyone sleeps on a Sunday afternoon. It’s a rule. Sunday lunch followed by a Sunday sleep. As a child it is the first time you hear your Mum snore. Instead of having to hear it again, you decide to learn to sleep on Sunday afternoons too.

    3.  Cinema. It might be the darkness or the comfy seats or the lack of fresh air or the mind-numbingly boring plot that makes your eyelids feel heavy, but whichever it is, soon you find yourself struggling to stay awake. This never happens at a gig or in the launderette or in the queue at Tesco. So why does it happen after you’ve just paid £10.50 on a ticket plus a small fortune on popcorn and a ridiculously giant sized coke that doesn’t fit in the bloody cup holder?

    4.  Travel. Okay, so strictly speaking you are not actually asleep. It’s impossible to sleep next to this guy. He has been talking to everyone, shifting around in his seat and crunching nuts ever since you left. And you’ve got seven more hours of this to put up with. The one thing you can do is pretend that you’re asleep. Maybe if you do that and everyone else does that, he’ll eventually fall asleep himself. Then you can gag him and lock him in the toilet.

    5.  Grandparents. Another one of life’s mysteries is why your grandparent’s home is always ten degrees warmer than anywhere else. Even if it’s a sunny, warm May afternoon, they still having the heating on. Not only do you end up stripping down to your sweat soaked string vest but the heat also saps your energy. Before you know it you have fallen alseep with your head resting atop the pork pie.

    6.  Fancy Dress. Is there anything better than the person who really wants to win the Fancy Dress competition? Not only have they spent hours on their costume, they are prepared to act the part as well. Which is why you are delighted they have come as Sleeping Beauty.

    7.  Reading. Now reading can be fun. I know, I have done some fun reading myself. What is not fun is reading about how fun reading can be. So I’ll stop. Also into this category falls reading about what makes you sleep. Of course – as this post will testify – it very much depends on how you write it. The fact that you are still awake is testimony to my literary skills. But what if you were to try and read this? Seven pages on the topic of Why We Sleep. Good luck. I’ll wake you later.