7 Reasons

Tag: Boats

  • 7 Reasons Ian Dury’s ‘Reasons To Be Cheerful: Part 3’ Is Unreasonable: Part 1.

    7 Reasons Ian Dury’s ‘Reasons To Be Cheerful: Part 3’ Is Unreasonable: Part 1.

    I am not the biggest Ian Dury fan, if he’s not encouraging people to hit him with their rhythm sticks he’s giving reasons as to why we should be cheerful. And, as I am sure you are aware by now, that’s our job. Following on from the world-wide success of analysing the New Radicals’ Someday We’ll Know and Owl City’s Fireflies, I thought I’d try and rip both the heart and soul out of Ian Dury’s Reasons To Be Cheerful: Part 3. The problem is, he gave so many reasons this is only part one. This could also be construed as bad news. Very bad news.

    7 Reasons Ian Dury's 'Reasons To Be Cheerful: Part 3' Is Unreasonable. Part 1.

    1.  Some Of Buddy Holly. While Buddy did enlighten our lives with classic such as ‘Peggy Sue’, ‘Oh Boy!’ and ‘That’ll Be The Day’ he also died in a plane crash. So you have to ask, which part of Buddy Holly actually made Ian Dury cheerful? I suspect his glasses.

    2.  The Working Folly. In 1979 times were tough. A bit like today. Now, I am not going to pretend I know what Ian Dury meant by ‘The Working Folly’, but I can see two possible meanings. A) The workers of the day were foolish. B) It was foolish to be working. Let’s analyse each of these. Beginning with A. The workers of the day were foolish. I don’t see why this would make you cheerful. Now let’s move to B. It was foolish to be working. I don’t see why this would make you cheerful. Right, that’s that covered then.

    3.  Good Golly Miss Molly. You can decide for yourselves but I fail to be cheered by a man who looks like Danny Glover, Whitney Houston, Chris Kamara, Oprah and Eddie Murphy rolled into one. It’s very unnerving. If you don’t believe me, take a look here. He’s the one who appears after the bloke who looks like John Goodman.

    4.  Boats. What, like ferries and fishing trawlers? Yes, they’re lovely. Or perhaps you mean those big ships that keep you hostage for weeks? You know, cruise liners.

    5.  Hammersmith Palais. It closed in 2007. Someone tried to get planning permission to build student flats on the site.

    6.  Bolshoi Ballet. When you think about it, the Bolshoi Ballet is a bit like a fraternity. A brotherhood. A club. A cult. Children from as young as the age of nine are roped into the Bolshoi Ballet Academy and face a life of being forced to wear tutus and stand on their toes. And then, in a move of grotesque public humiliation, they are forced to perform in front of an expectant audience.

    7.  Jump Back In The Alley. Goodness knows where this alley is, but my research shows that it is probably a place where a lot of impromptu sexual acts happen. Disgusting. Get a room and shut the curtains. Or better still, go home and watch the cricket. You’ll feel much more cheered. And less dirty.

  • 7 Reasons Marc Is Wrong About The Nautical Look

    7 Reasons Marc Is Wrong About The Nautical Look

    Nautical Look 2010

    Yesterday, Marc wrote a post called, 7 Reasons That The Nautical Look Is Objectionable. I read it aghast. How could someone so intelligent be so wrong? Today, I aim to put right his wrongs.

    1. Saturation Point. Too much of a thing is never good – which is why I’m editing this with a hangover – and the nautical look is everywhere.  It’s finally reached saturation point and now it seems that almost every woman in the UK is dressed as a sailor.  Now, there’s nothing wrong with women dressing as sailors, or anything else that takes their fancy, but that doesn’t mean that every woman should dress as one.  Wouldn’t it be nice to see some of them dressing in outfits without horizontal stripes and rope motifs?  Perhaps as spacewomen or conquistadors.  Or Minnie Mouse.  Or just as themselves.  Our high streets look like a production of HMS Pinafore at the moment. What Marc seems to be forgetting here is why nearly every woman in the UK is dressing as a sailor. It’s fairly simple. This is the UK. We are a sea-faring nation. It’s in our blood. So when Marc asks why aren’t women dressing as Minnie Mouse or conquistadors, it’s because British women have no emotional attachment to these themes. And because they’d look stupid.

    2. Confusion. It’s confusing.  Sailors are sailors: we can tell that by their uniforms and their weatherbeaten faces.  Women are women: we can tell that because they smell nice and have soft hands.  But the nautical look blurs the issue somewhat. No, it doesn’t. Nor is it confusing. It might be confusing to Marc, but that is because he doesn’t have the required imagination. I see nothing wrong with this overlap. In fact I see a very positive outcome. The classic ‘woman dressed as a sailor’ fantasy.  Allow me to demonstrate using science…or maths (It’s definitely one of those things).

    A Venn diagram illustrating the 'woman dressed as sailor' fantasy.

    3. Anchor. When choosing an outfit with a decorative motif, is it really wise to choose one that rhymes with wanker? Yes, it is. Much more wise than to have a decorative motif of – and I do apologise in advance for saying this – a punt.

    4. The Next Step. Many women are currently dressing as sailors, but what if this fad takes a slight twist?  What if sailors start dressing as women? A fair point you would think. Unfortunately, Marc has this the wrong way round. It’s the fact that sailors originally started dressing as women – in the 1800’s when men were on ships together for months and months on end – that has made the women adopt the nautical theme for themselves.

    5. Weather. Now I’m sure the nautical look would look fine and dandy when worn on the back of a motor-yacht moored in Porta Banus or Cannes.  But it isn’t.  It’s being worn in Manchester, where it rains all summer. The last time I checked, rain was wet. And it formed puddles. The sea is wet and is one big puddle. Wet weather, therefore, would seem to be perfect for the nautical look.

    6. Do It Properly. The nautical look is being done in a half-hearted manner.  Wearing a stripy top under a blue jacket is lame.  If you want to do the nautical look well, wear a tricorn hat, an eye-patch, a peg-leg, a hand-hook; carry a parrot around.  Wear vast epaulettes dripping with gold braid and the full cuff insignia of an Admiral; accessorise your outfit with a telescope or a sextant.  Ditch your umbrella in favour of a Sowester hat, oilskins and a life-jacket.  Grow a beard. This isn’t really doing it properly. This is dressing like a pirate. Marc wants you to drop your nauticals in favour of his pirate vision. Don’t do it.

    7. Paris Hilton.  Paris Hilton’s a big fan of the nautical look.  Paris Hilton’s also an idiot.  Do you really want to dress like an idiot?  I use Paris Hilton as a general guide to life.  You can too.  Whoever you are, whatever you’re about to do, ask yourself the question:  Would Paris Hilton do this?  If the answer is yes, don’t do it. Okay, he’s not totally wrong here. Marc is right on one aspect. Paris Hilton is an idiot. But actually, if we are honest with ourselves, we are also a little bit jealous. Paris Hilton is a millionairess – in her own right – for doing pretty much nothing with no talent. I like that idea. I like the idea of becoming a millionairess for doing pretty much nothing, with no talent. And, if adopting the nautical look is part of the ‘doing nothing’ masterplan, then I’m in. And I’m not even a woman.