Today sees the launch of Twitrelief, a fundraising event for Comic Relief. While I, of course, applaud anyone who spends time raising funds for good causes I can’t help but question what this event has to offer. In a nutshell, people can bid to have a ‘celebrity’ follow them on twitter for a bit. That’s it. A ‘celebrity’ will follow you on twitter. Now, maybe it’s me, maybe I’m cynical, but I just don’t get this celebrity thing. They are just people. Like you and me. So what’s the fascination? Wouldn’t you be happier having someone follow you who wants to read your views on Hob-Nob dunking technique? Judging by the number of bids already in, no you wouldn’t. But that’s really irrelevant. My real issue here is with what the Superfollow – that’s the reward – entails. It’s not much. Which makes all you bidders twits. Absolute twits. Here’s why:
1. Follow Duration. The ‘celebrity’ will follow the highest bidder for a period of 90 days, after which it is up to them whether they wish to continue following or cut the winner form their lives completely. Just imagine how this is going to make the bidder feel. The bidder won’t be able to concentrate for 90 days. All they will be thinking is, ‘Does Fearne Cotton think I’m interesting?’ And then on that 90th day you find out in the cruelest way possible. You slowly scroll down your followers list to see if she’s still there. Only a twit would put themselves through that anguish.
2. Retweet. Part of the package includes the ‘celebrity’ retweeting one of your twitter updates. Just one, in the 90 days. I have two problems here.
One: Surely it goes against the purpose of twitter. The retweet function is for people to pass on things they find interesting, not for Alexandra Burke to retweet winning bidder Susan’s update, ‘gotta luv kfc! lol!’
Two: If the idea of a ‘celebrity’ retweeting your update compels you to bid, you must be a very boring person. I’m sorry, but it’s the truth. You are a very boring person who writes very boring updates. Boring updates that no one will ever want to retweet. Not even your own mother. That is why the retweet has become your goal. Your aim. It’s what you live for. The idea of someone retweeting your update thrills you. It’s like the yacht syndrome. I would love a yacht. The longer I go without one, the more I want one. And it hurts not having one. Still, at least I don’t write boring twitter updates. Boring 7 Reasons posts yes, but not boring twitter updates.
3. A Mention. The final part of the package is a mention in a tweet from a ‘celebrity’. What the hell do you have to bid for this for? Just get on twitter and send them a message. They might reply. If they do donate a fiver to Comic Relief. Why not? You would have spent £2,000 on it.
4. Added Bonuses. Thankfully some of the ‘celebrities’ have realised that just following someone for a bit is largely a pathetic reward. So they’ve added a few bonuses into the bargain. Some are quite cool. If you win Neil Tennant for example, you’ll also get his keyboard. Some though, are questionable. Ruby Wax for example. I have always found her questionable, but that has now been exacerbated by what she is offering in addition to the Superfollow. You get to watch her having botox. An event someone currently thinks is worth £102. What is wrong with you? Get some help!
5. Richard Curtis. ‘The Boss’ – not my words, theirs – is not even on twitter. But, he will join just to follow you. So let me work this out. He’s not on twitter so he doesn’t have any followers. Which means when he joins he will retweet your tweet to no one. He’ll also mention you in a tweet. A tweet that will be seen by no one. Apart from you and him. Between you and me, I think you’d be much better off paying all your followers 50p to big you up for the day.
6. Twittish Logic. I didn’t have to write this post. This post could have been called, ‘7 Reasons Twitrelief Is For Geniuses.’. But it’s not. And it’s not because I haven’t seen any evidence of genius bidding yet. All I’ve seen is twittish bidding. If you have a half a brain cell you should be able to work out that when the bidding page says, ‘this celebrity will become your new best friend,’ they are talking absolute bollocks. Of course they aren’t. They will follow you, do your retweet, give you a mention, then dump you. Which is why you must use the opportunity wisely. So here is a piece of 7 Reasons advice right from our hearts. Ignore who the celebrity is, concentrate on the numbers. How many people are they being followed by? Richard Bacon has the most followers by far. Nearly one and a half million. A genius would bid for him in the knowledge that he would generate more publicity for them. They wouldn’t, for example, bid for McFly who have just a meagre 120,000 followers. But being twits of course, McFly’s bid is over £500 and Bacon’s is £45. And he probably bid that himself.
7. Because 7 Reasons Are Not Involved And Quite Frankly We Offer A Better Package. That’s right, we reckon we are a much more attractive prospect than all those ‘celebrities’. And our package is bigger too. Which is why you can now bid for us. Just head over to eBay to bid on the 7 Reasons Non-Twitrelief Superfollow Auction. Rest assured we will give all proceeds to Comic Relief. Thanks for your support.
