7 Reasons

Tag: behaviour

  • 7 Reasons That This is the Worst Survey of All Time

    7 Reasons That This is the Worst Survey of All Time

    Readers of 7 Reasons, I’m breathless with excitement.  I’ve discovered something amazing.  While reading this fine article to research something else, I found, in four short paragraphs in the middle, an account of an astonishingly inept survey.

    The survey was conducted in the 1930s by the Mass Observation organisation and set out to quantify how many people were having sex on Blackpool beach during the month of August.  They conducted their research – in a rather hapless manner – by hanging about on the beach at night looking for people having sex.  During the research they managed to spectacularly and hilariously cock up their own figures.  Here are seven reasons that it’s the worst survey of all time.

    1.  The Premise.  You can call me suspicious (I won’t answer to it though) but isn’t the premise a bit fishy?  I smell a rat; which is a rodent that smells of fish.  It’s like someone at the Mass Observation unit suddenly said – possibly during a meeting at a pub – “I’ve got a great idea chaps, let’s all go to Blackpool and observe people having sex on the beach.”  And everyone drunkenly agreed to it as a terrific idea and an utterly laudable use of their time and resources.  What no one seems to have said is “But wait.  Isn’t that dogging?”  Because that’s what watching people having sex in a public place is.  This makes their observation lack credibility.  This makes it look less like a serious study and more like an excursion for perverts.

    2.  The Results.  The results are also a little suspicious.  During their study into how many people were having sex on the beach during August in Blackpool, they recorded a mere four couples having sex on the beach.  Now, perhaps times have changed and things are a little more liberal in Blackpool these days but there are bus stops in Blackpool where more people are having sex than that in the middle of the afternoon.  And on the beach at any given time, there are usually at least nine people attempting to have sex with a donkey.  The results seem not to accurately reflect the environment that was being surveyed.

    3.  The Personnel.  The credibility of this survey was further undermined because – and this makes it officially one of my favourite surveys ever – one of the people that the Mass Observation researchers observed having sex on the beach was another Mass Observation researcher.  This brilliant incident of the hunter becoming the hunted; the ogler becoming the ogled and the peeper becoming the peepee has catapulted what was already the second least credible survey of all time (after my important research into how much tiramisu you can fit into a 6’2” man with an M in his name in a Yorkshire kitchen in December*) into first place in a race of its own.

    4.  The Results Are Skewed.  The discovery of the researcher having sex means that, according to the Mass Observation survey, 12.5% of all people having sex on Blackpool beach during the month of August are Mass Observation researchers.  Now I don’t wish to appear cynical, but if I was say…let me see…in charge of a rather unglamorous unit that generated statistics on everyday life and I was having a recruitment drive to swell the ranks of nerds that I needed to count things, what better way to glamourise it?  Move over rock stars (whatever they are); move over Errol Flynn and Clark Gable; Mass Observation researchers are unabashed rampant sex beasts and brazen cocksmen and not the stammering bespectacled tweed-wearers that you previously supposed them to be.  If you want to have relations with ladies in hats, join the Mass Observation unit and become a statistician.  I’d imagine that brilliantined brown shoe wearers would be queuing round the block to join.  On bicycles, probably.

    5.  The Results Are Confusing.  But Wait!  What if he was having sex alone?  After all, if he’s the voyeuristic chap that suggested going to Blackpool in the first place, that’s entirely probable.  That would make him 14% of all people having sex on Blackpool beach during the month of August!  That would really be something to boast about.  But that raises further questions.  If you’re having sex alone while watching someone else are you having sex alone?  Do you have to count the other person or people?  What if he has some sort of weird fetish and is having sex alone while watching a tram or looking at a picture of Stanley Baldwin?  Would that mean that former Conservative Prime Minister Stanley Baldwin was 12.5% of all people having sex on Blackpool beach in August?  Should you count all of the passengers on the tram?  The computations are mind-boggling.

    6.  It Might Be Illegal.  By and large, Mass Observation researchers were amateur volunteers (and deviants apparently), but the Mass Observation organisation accepted donations and funds from book advances, so it’s not beyond  the realms of possibility that the researchers were being paid to do this and it’s highly likely that they were receiving money for expenses.  This raises another question.  What do you call someone that gets paid when having sex?  That’s right, a prostitute.  So, not only has this researcher royally messed up the statistics (and given me a headache) he’s committed an act of prostitution while he was working at the beach.

    7.  It Gets Worse.  The Mass Observation organisation have – in the act of giving money to a prostitute – become a kerb crawler.    That’s the sort of label that makes the organisation that have produced the least credible survey of all time look – incredibly – less credible than they already seemed (which was not at all).  This survey looks like an excuse for voyeurism, depicts Blackpool in unbelievable terms, skews its own findings by engaging in a sexual act on a beach, raises statistical questions that caused me to consider sex with a tram and the organisation that made it might have sullied their reputation by giving money to a hooker.  If there has been a less credible survey ever made I’d love to see it.

    *The survey’s finding:  Bloody loads.

  • 7 Reasons We Should All Have Our Own Personal CCTV

    7 Reasons We Should All Have Our Own Personal CCTV

    After yesterday’s big announcement I am sure you were expecting a post about that. Sadly though, I have not had the time to give such a piece the careful consideration it requires, but hopefully we’ll read 7 Reasons Andy Carroll Is Worth More Than Blackburn Rovers later in the week. For now we shall look at a subject that is close to many people’s hearts. Or at least it should be. CCTV. Each and every one of us should have our own personal CCTV. Here’s why:

    CCTV Man

    1.  Child Behavioural Device. My Mum always used to scare me by telling me she had eyes in the back of her head. Between the ages of four and six I don’t think I ever stood behind her. It was only when a wasp attacked her hair that I realised she was something of a con artist. The lie though (not to be mistaken with lilo) worked. I was never naughty behind my mother’s back. Just in case a couple of eyeballs popped out. Of course, now that today 7 Reasons has dispelled the ‘eyes in the back of my head’ myth, parents around the land will require a new threat level. And while a mirror maybe substantially cheaper, having CCTV cameras sticking out of various orifices would be much scarier.

    2.  Adult Behavioural Device. Any kind of assault on another human being will soon become a thing of the past. Firstly, everyone will know they won’t get away with it. Secondly, potential victims will be able to see an imminent attack coming. And all yours for £99 (exc VAT). Sometimes, my own genius scares me.

    3.  Capture Happiness. There are some moments in life we just want to relive over and over again. Maybe your engagement, your marriage, your divorce or England winning the Ashes*. Whichever it is, with CCTV you can record each of these moments using a multitude of angles and when you wish to remind yourself you can do just that. Now, the question you have for me is probably, ‘Why couldn’t I just use a camcorder?’ Well my answer goes something like this. You can’t spend your life walking around with a camcorder in your hand. It’ll get in the way, you won’t be permitted to watch the school nativity and when you are more than a little worse for wear in Las Vegas you’ll probably lose it before you find a minister. With CCTV being the norm, none of these problems will occur.

    4.  Image. They say pictures speak louder than words so let me point you in the direction of today’s 7 Reasons image. (That’s the one above). Not one of you can tell me that that guy, who we shall call Bobby, doesn’t look pretty cool. Sure, Bobby’s not wearing his usual sailors outfit, but I can tell you that Bobby feels confident. More confident than Bobby has ever felt before actually. And the world needs more confident Bobbies. Bobbies who will stand in the middle of a riot and happily capture the carnage around them. Not that there will be any carnage because of the CCTV. But at least the Bobbies will capture a lot of people standing around in the same place for a while. They can then upload it to YouTube and call it a flash-mob. Bound to be a hit.

    5.  Piracy. I think we can all agree that film piracy is a disgrace and a blight on the film industry. The quality is often so poor. With personal CCTV this will change. Given that everyone will have the opportunity to film a film, the pirates will have to use the latest personal CCTV equipment to offer the quality that people will pay for. And that’s brilliant because for your £3 you will no longer get a string of silhouettes going to the toilet, but a film of the quality that the original filmmakers intended. **

    6.  Forgetfulness. Where did I put the car keys? Where did I put the car? Whose nicked the car park? Am I drunk? The answers to so many questions can be found just by pressing that rewind button. Simple, but beautiful.

    7.  Social Media Integration. I am sure we all have friends who mention on facebook or twitter that they have just arrived at Selfridges or the Hurlingham Club or the Nou Camp. One day one of my friends checked into Sinagpore Airport at 7pm and three hours later he was watching some baseball in New York. Amazing. But obviously utter bollocks. None of my friend’s have ever checked in at KFC. And let’s be honest I am friend’s with some real pikies. Not in real life obviously, just on facebook. CCTV will identify these pathetic people for the fraudsters they really are by posting live video with every status update.

    From The Bahamas, JL.

    *Get in.

    **In no way do 7 Reasons condone film piracy. It is bad. Very bad. (Though it maybe joked about if you are desperate for a fifth reason).

  • 7 Reasons Standing Outside Female Fitting Rooms In Zara Is Awkward (For Men)

    7 Reasons Standing Outside Female Fitting Rooms In Zara Is Awkward (For Men)

    We’ve all been there. Female changing rooms. Women go in them. Men stand outside them. That, at least, is the usual practice. And it is certainly what I practised on Saturday. In Zara. And when I say it is what I practised, I don’t mean I went into Zara and practised standing outside the fitting rooms. That type of behaviour is strictly frowned upon and usually ends up with you being escorted from the shop by the police. Apparently. So no, I was not practising standing outside the fitting rooms. I was standing outside the fitting rooms in Zara because my girlfriend was inside the fitting rooms in Zara. And boy, is Zara awkward.

    7 Reasons Standing Outside Female Changing Rooms In Zara Is Awkward (For Men)

    1.  Positioning. It’s very difficult to know where to stand in Zara. I am no expert – if I was this post would have been called ‘7 Reasons I Laugh At Men Who Feel Awkward Outside Fitting Rooms In Zara’ – but I imagine the optimum place to stand must be at a 45 degree angle to the fitting room entrance. This, at least, is what I am trying to perfect. By standing at a 45 degree angle you can see out of the corner of your eye when your lady steps out of her cubicle to model her potential new outfit for you. It also means that you are not going to be staring at a lot of…

    2.  Other Women, who keep popping out of their cubicles. I have made the mistake of looking directly at the fitting room entrance before and it’s not a pleasant sight. Quite why other women seem so determined to try and fit into dresses that are at least two sizes too small for them is way above my level of intellect. But this isn’t really the awkward bit. The awkward bit is when the other women see you looking at them with your eyebrows raised. Or your mouth wide open. Or your head shaking. Or your shoulders lifting up and down as if to suggest you may be trying to suppress a titter. Which, coincidentally, is what many of them seem to be trying to do too. Obviously, if you do catch their eyesight, then you quickly look away. Which is when you notice the…

    3.  Mirrors. So now, instead of looking at other people, you are staring at your reflection. Which seems a little odd so you look to the other side of the fitting rooms. Where there is another bloody mirror. What is it with Zara and mirrors? They are all over the place. And the one you are using now is also being used by a women. So now you are staring at a reflection of a woman trying on a jacket. And now she has noticed you staring at a reflection of her trying on a jacket. And so has her husband. Which is when you turn back to the other mirror. Now you have a choice. Remain fixed on a reflection of you and you alone or look directly at the fitting rooms? Remember, you can’t stare at the floor, look the other way or run because your lady could step out of her cubicle at any moment. And you must be there. Given my previous with staring directly at the fitting rooms. I go for the looking at myself in a mirror option. I’ve done that before. And it hasn’t felt awkward since my Mum caught me singing along to Elvis with a comb. Thankfully, I don’t have a comb with me on this occasion, so instead I try and work out whether my shoulders are more sculpted than before or whether it’s one of those funny mirrors. I then realise someone else is hoping to use the mirror and so I have no option but to turn back to looking directly at the fitting room. This is where you have to resort to Plan Z. The phone. As…

    4.  Behaviour whilst waiting for someone goes, looking at your phone is the worst kind. Looking at your phone not only screams, ‘I am waiting for someone and I feel awkward,’ it also says, ‘I am bored’. Which is not good. Especially if that is the moment when your lady needs your attention. There is a way to rectify this however. I have named it the ‘look at your invisible phone’ technique. Basically it involves you, pretending you are looking at your phone. Or, in layman’s terms, just looking downwards a bit. You can also throw in some robot dance moves if you feel inclined, but most don’t. The good thing about the invisible phone/looking downwards move is that your periphiral vision still takes in your lady’s location in the fitting room. This is all well and good until you sense there is…

    5.  Another Man Waiting. This really shouldn’t be a problem. But ridiculously it makes it far more awkward. Not only are you are both checking on the behaviour of the other person to see if you can pick up any good ‘waiting outside fitting room’ tips, you are now in direct competition. You are both proud of your lady and you want to show the other guy that you are the better boyfriend/husband. Unfortunately, this means telling your lady that she looks wonderful in whatever she steps out of the fitting room wearing. Even if you’re not 100% sure about it. That’s until one of you decide you need to step up and show your relationship really is based on honesty about clothes. You need to show that your lady respects your opinion and if you aren’t sure about something she won’t feel let down. Which is when she steps out of the fitting room and you immediately say, ‘I’m not sure about that sweetheart. It’s not you at all.’ And then she scowls at you and you realise it’s what she has been wearing all day. Still, it could have been worse. You could have been standing outside the fitting rooms with…

    6.  Other Women. And this really is awkward. You feel awkward not just because you keep thinking, ‘Am I standing in the right place? How should I be acting? What the hell is she wearing?’ but because you are never 100% sure what they are thinking. Are they thinking, ‘That’s nice. I wish my boyfriend/husband was happy waiting for me in Zara instead of hanging around in HMV’? Or, are they thinking, ‘I wish security would come and remove this pervert’? I’ll be honest, the latter makes one feel very awkward. Especially when they wander off in the direction of an important looking person. You’re just waiting for a tap on the shoulder. Which is when you realise that your lady has been in the fitting room for a long…

    7.  Time. What is she doing in there? Is she okay? What happens if her hair has got stuck in a zip and she is now stuck? Do I phone her up? Do I ask a member of staff to go and check? Do I wander down and find out for myself? A knot twists in your stomach. She might be stuck with a dress over her head and you’re not doing anything. You’re just standing here. Feeling awkward. And now you’re feeling awkward for feeling awkward. Why? What have men done to be punished like this? Why does Zara punish men like this? When will this torture end?

  • 7 Reasons That Shaking Hands Is Weird

    7 Reasons That Shaking Hands Is Weird

    Shaking hands is a well established custom.  That doesn’t mean it isn’t a bit strange though.  Here are seven reasons why.

    The hands of two suited men engaged in a handshake (hand shake, shaking hands).

    1.  Movement. We all know that the handshake developed as a way of demonstrating that the participants were unarmed (that’s the hand part).  But what’s with the shake?  Why do we move our hands up and down?  Why don’t we move our hands from side to side or in a circular motion?  Why don’t we jump up and down or stand on one leg?  Why not dance the Hokey-Cokey or play the pat-a-cake pat-a-cake game – or am I thinking about Freemasons?  Anyway, the up-and-down thing is odd.

    2.  Spouse. I once congratulated my wife for something or other (forgetting what for is probably the reason I’ve never been nominated for Husband of the Year) by very formally, and firmly, shaking her hand and saying, “Well done, Darling” in a plummy accent.  Though funny, it was quite a strange experience.  We’d been together for ten years by then and had never shaken hands before.  She spontaneously erupted into giggles several times during the remainder of the day.  She still thinks it’s one of the funniest things ever.  If you want a weird experience, give your partner a firm handshake.

    3.  Women. Shaking hands with a woman is strange.  Kissing a woman is not strange. That’s why I’m a kisser, not a shaker.  Men – during their boyhood – are trained to shake hands:  Women – during their boyhood – are not trained to shake hands and, consequently, they don’t do it well.  I don’t know what women are being trained to do while they’re not being taught to shake hands.  Possibly they’re being taught to smell nice.

    4.  Hygiene. I’m sure we’ve all heard various statistics about the amount of urine found in bar snacks.  The urine gets there via contact with hands.  Unwashed hands.  The same hands that people want you to shake.  Shaking hands is an exchange of urine then.  Lovely.  (There are actually very good reasons not to wash your hands in the men’s toilets at bars – mostly to do with having to touch the taps and the hand dryer.  Here’s the rationale:  If I thought my hands were dirty, what’s the last part of my body that I would touch with them?  That’s right.  And I’m not so inept that I ever piss on my own hands, so they don’t need washing afterwards.  And I now realise that I’ve become distracted from writing about handshakes and am writing about my penis, which is not really how Jon or I envisaged 7 Reasons going:  It’s more how I imagined psychotherapy going.  So, anyway, back to handshaking…)

    5.  (…or not) Penises. While it’s on my mind:  Men spend a lot of time touching their penises.  Also, men shake hands a lot.  So, when men shake hands, they’re touching penises by proxy.  This is bad.  Heterosexual men do not want to do this.  In fact, direct penis-to-penis contact between two heterosexual men is the worst thing that can happen in the world:  worse than anything that can happen in the Large Hadron Collider; worse than being eaten by a horse; worse even, than a day-trip to Whitstable.  The proxy-penis-contact that comes about by the shaking of hands isn’t as bad as direct contact, but it’s definitely not a good thing.  I may never shake another hand again after that thought.

    6.  Left-handed-handshakes. The Italian word for left is sinistra, it’s where we get the word sinister from.  Obviously, in these enlightened times, we know that there’s nothing inherently evil about being left-handed.  Handshaking with your left hand is a thoroughly bad thing though.  The correct response to anyone who offers you their left hand is to take a step backwards, stare at their hand and think “git”.

    7.  Dogs. One of the first things most dog-owners train their dog to do is proffer its paw for a “hand” shake.  Why?  Why is this pointless exercise given priority over training them to use the toilet, teaching them not to chase cyclists or getting them not to stick their many-toothed-snouts into the crotches of terrified house-guests?  Who the hell wants to shake hands with a dog?