Tag: Beach

Guest Post: 7 Reasons To Take A Cruise To South America

Cruises aren’t just for oldies with a lust for tea-dancing. Oh no. They are – believe it or not – getting cooler. And part of it is about the destinations. You don’t have to go to Malta anymore to sit on a dinky balcony and turn your skin to leather. You don’t even have to don a sparkly kaftan or a pair of Speedos to wade the waters of the Caribbean while local kids try to flog you miniature bongo drums.

So without further ado, here are seven reasons why a cruise to achingly hip South America is the thing to do:

1. You’ll see lots of boobies. Wait, now don’t get too excited. I’m talking about blue-footed boobies – a type of bird with sky blue feet which lives all over the Galapagos Islands. Choose the right time of year to go and you’ll see them doing the dance moves of their courtship dance – quite an amusing spectacle.

2. Sweat it out in the Amazon. Take a river cruise down the planet’s biggest river and you’ll really learn what it means to sweat. Even if you’re a gym regular, or a Bikram yoga fan, you’ll reach new heights of perspiration in this equatorial region. When you’re not wiping your brow, you’ll see chattering monkeys and native villages, and maybe even fish for piranhas.

3. Get the Horn. Some itineraries sail all the way under Cape Horn – the furthest south point in Chile. Early round-the-world sailors had to take this route before the Panama Canal was built. It’s pretty spectacular: glaciers, fjords, whales, penguins and condors will guide your way. Just keep an eye out for icebergs, eh?

4. Get high. Bolivian drug dens aside, there is plenty of stuff to get you high – quite literally – in South America. Choose cultural cruise which drops you off on the Peruvian coastline for an inland trip to the Lost City of Machu Picchu. Here, nearly 2,500 metres above sea level, you’ll have shortness of breath from both the altitude and the view. Chill out back at the beach with a few Pisco Sours before moving on.

5. Spy on supermodels. Ah, Brazil. Forget about feeling insecure in your frumpy on-piece and do what every other tourist does: find a prime viewing spot on Copacabana and watch the local ladies and gents play a hot and sweaty game of beach volleyball. It’s a beautiful thing. The teeny bikinis, the even smaller trunks, the toned, tanned flesh… these people really know how to look gorgeous, and they are used to being stared at.

6. Tango in Buenos Aires. The capital of Argentina is a city that keeps on giving. The locals will teach you how to stay up all night and then go straight to work for the day, and they’ll laugh it off when you ask them why the country has the highest number of psychiatrists per capita. Let them teach you to tango and you’ll be made an absolute fool of – but that’s half the fun. Knock back the red wine and get on with it. If you can get into a tangle with a luscious local, all the better!

7. Gurn at giant tortoises. The Galapagos Islands, as we’ve already seen, have such amusing animals as the blue-footed booby. But the giant tortoises take the trophy for oddest animal. These wrinkled old things staggering about the Darwin Research Centre look a lot like a bunch of retirees on an outing. Expressive and painfully slow, copy their gurning for some holiday photos you will want to frame and hang in the living room.

Article courtesy of Exsus South America

July 27, 2013
Guest Post: 7 Reasons To Go On A UK Family Holiday

Everyone loves a good old British family holiday. I have many happy memories of days wasting my pocket money in arcades (apart from one traumatic moment when I dropped my pound coin straight through a gap in the pier, much to my sister’s amusement) and chasing AWOL camping equipment around windy Devonshire camp sites. In all seriousness, there are some fantastic family holidays in the UK, and hotels which provide real luxury and entertainment for both adults and children. With that in mind, here are 7 good reasons to holiday in Britain this year.

1. Your children probably won’t get eaten by a shark. You will be relieved to know that very few people have been eaten by sharks in British waters.

2. You can legitimately moan about the weather. It’s nice to moan about the heat when you’re abroad, but it’s always tinged with guilt because you’ve been moaning about the rain all year at home. Holidaying in the UK means you can start to complain about the weather as soon as you know you’ll be in Britain all summer and continue to complain about it when you’re back, knowing you’ll receive sympathy from fellow suffering Brits.

3. You can buy a normal sized loaf of bread. There is often a distinct lack of average sliced bread in Europe outside of the UK. I enjoy a baguette as much as the next person, but sometimes you feel as though you need to give your mouth a rest from the crust aerobics (a potential hit on Dragons’ Den?) it has endured.

4. You don’t have to learn another language. Unless you’re going to Somerset, in which case you might need a translator in some circumstances.

5. You don’t have to change your money. The customary trip to the Post Office is probably one of my least favourite parts of preparing to travel abroad. You suddenly have to start worrying about exchange rates and markets and buying and selling. Consequently I usually end up taking five times what I need in Euros, worrying the whole holiday that it will be stolen from my bag, and then forgetting to convert the rest of it back when I’m home.

6. It can be nice. We Brits get a fair bit of flack about our excessive drinking, repressed (or too under-repressed) sexuality, and unhealthy desire to start up a queue wherever possible. But I’m going to stick up for us here. We are lucky to live on a beautiful island with a long and varied history and probably the coolest capital city in the world. Tourists flock here because there’s loads to see; maybe we should be making the most of it too.

7. It’s not far to get home. By the time you all want to murder each other at the end (just my family?), at least you know it’s not going to involve a 4 hour wait for a delayed plane while your dad dances with a Turkish belly dancer in the airport shop (definitely just my family).

Katherine likes to a get a feel for the history of the places she visits, and seeks out the bits which reveal something about the culture in different areas of the globe. She has travelled in four different continents and is looking forward to exploring the rest.

August 26, 2012
Guest Post: 7 Reasons To Book A Summer Holiday

With schools in the UK just breaking up for the summer holidays, many people still haven’t booked a family holiday. Talks of a double dip recession, job insecurity, rainy weather and uncertainty about the Euro have meant that many families have been left unsure of what to do with their main summer break. But you know you deserve a holiday! So why wait?

1. Don’t tear your hair out at home. Staying at home can feel ok for the first three days of the school holidays. After that, the kids will be running riot around the house, misbehaving and crying out ‘I’m bored’. You will be desperate to escape from the four walls of your home. If only you could escape from your family too…

2. It doesn’t have to cost the earth. In these times of economic uncertainty, many people resist booking a holiday until the last minute. The thing is, in uncertain times more than ever, we need a bit of joy in our lives and holidays are even more important. There are plenty of cheap self catering UK cottage holidays still available for this summer and booking last minute means that you can take advantage of great deals, making your holiday even friendlier on the wallet and hopefully giving you some spare cash to splash on meals out and treats for the kids whilst you are away.

3. Kids love holidays! Anyone remember being the only kid in the class who hadn’t been away for a summer holiday? Just me then? Give your kids some stories to tell back at school and something to write about in their ‘what I did in the holidays’ diary, you don’t want them going back to school looking like the poor kid who didn’t get to go anywhere.
On a serious note, holidays are educational for kids, they can learn about new places and experience new things. You might actually enjoy spending time with them. Going on holiday won’t make your kids behave but you can keep your fingers crossed that it might!

4. It doesn’t have to be loads of hassle. The thought of packing to go away, airports, queues and seasickness can all make it feel like it is way too much hassle to go away. It doesn’t have to be! Keep it simple, stay in the UK, pack up a few essentials in the boot of the car and off you go. There are plenty of places to look for hassle free holidays in the UK, like Web Cottages. You can take your own food and you won’t have to worry about the inconvenience of finding food that fussy youngsters will like when abroad too. Winner! There are enough things to think about without making life more difficult for you.

5. You never know what’s around the corner. It sounds really doom and gloom but you never know what the future may hold. 2013 may mean the end of the world for all we know! If the end of the world or more economic problems, and a whole host of other disasters are potentially just around the corner then we may as well enjoy ourselves now. Book a few days away; if we are all going to die next year at least we can die happy!

6. It’s good for your health! Going on holiday is good for you, fact! Well, the right sort of holiday is. Get away from the house, the office and the car and spend some time in the great outdoors. Loose a few pounds by walking in the countryside or along the coastline. You can even treat yourself to a ice cream or portion of fish and chips, it’s about a balanced diet after all! Not only will you return feeling refreshed and relaxed but you will be ready to back to work and endue the rest of the school holidays.

7. Make the most of the sunshine! Fingers crossed we may actually get a summer this year! News reports say that the jet stream that has been causing awful wet weather across the UK is set to change so we may actually get some lovely British sunshine. Make the most of it and head to the seaside for a beach holiday. Even if it rains, our good old British spirit will kick in. We are used to rainy beach holidays after all.
So, get on your marks, get set, go! Make the most of the school holidays this summer.

July 19, 2012
7 Reasons That This is the Worst Survey of All Time

Readers of 7 Reasons, I’m breathless with excitement. I’ve discovered something amazing. While reading this fine article to research something else, I found, in four short paragraphs in the middle, an account of an astonishingly inept survey.

The survey was conducted in the 1930s by the Mass Observation organisation and set out to quantify how many people were having sex on Blackpool beach during the month of August. They conducted their research – in a rather hapless manner – by hanging about on the beach at night looking for people having sex. During the research they managed to spectacularly and hilariously cock up their own figures. Here are seven reasons that it’s the worst survey of all time.

1. The Premise. You can call me suspicious (I won’t answer to it though) but isn’t the premise a bit fishy? I smell a rat; which is a rodent that smells of fish. It’s like someone at the Mass Observation unit suddenly said – possibly during a meeting at a pub – “I’ve got a great idea chaps, let’s all go to Blackpool and observe people having sex on the beach.” And everyone drunkenly agreed to it as a terrific idea and an utterly laudable use of their time and resources. What no one seems to have said is “But wait. Isn’t that dogging?” Because that’s what watching people having sex in a public place is. This makes their observation lack credibility. This makes it look less like a serious study and more like an excursion for perverts.

2. The Results. The results are also a little suspicious. During their study into how many people were having sex on the beach during August in Blackpool, they recorded a mere four couples having sex on the beach. Now, perhaps times have changed and things are a little more liberal in Blackpool these days but there are bus stops in Blackpool where more people are having sex than that in the middle of the afternoon. And on the beach at any given time, there are usually at least nine people attempting to have sex with a donkey. The results seem not to accurately reflect the environment that was being surveyed.

3. The Personnel. The credibility of this survey was further undermined because – and this makes it officially one of my favourite surveys ever – one of the people that the Mass Observation researchers observed having sex on the beach was another Mass Observation researcher. This brilliant incident of the hunter becoming the hunted; the ogler becoming the ogled and the peeper becoming the peepee has catapulted what was already the second least credible survey of all time (after my important research into how much tiramisu you can fit into a 6’2” man with an M in his name in a Yorkshire kitchen in December*) into first place in a race of its own.

4. The Results Are Skewed. The discovery of the researcher having sex means that, according to the Mass Observation survey, 12.5% of all people having sex on Blackpool beach during the month of August are Mass Observation researchers. Now I don’t wish to appear cynical, but if I was say…let me see…in charge of a rather unglamorous unit that generated statistics on everyday life and I was having a recruitment drive to swell the ranks of nerds that I needed to count things, what better way to glamourise it? Move over rock stars (whatever they are); move over Errol Flynn and Clark Gable; Mass Observation researchers are unabashed rampant sex beasts and brazen cocksmen and not the stammering bespectacled tweed-wearers that you previously supposed them to be. If you want to have relations with ladies in hats, join the Mass Observation unit and become a statistician. I’d imagine that brilliantined brown shoe wearers would be queuing round the block to join. On bicycles, probably.

5. The Results Are Confusing. But Wait! What if he was having sex alone? After all, if he’s the voyeuristic chap that suggested going to Blackpool in the first place, that’s entirely probable. That would make him 14% of all people having sex on Blackpool beach during the month of August! That would really be something to boast about. But that raises further questions. If you’re having sex alone while watching someone else are you having sex alone? Do you have to count the other person or people? What if he has some sort of weird fetish and is having sex alone while watching a tram or looking at a picture of Stanley Baldwin? Would that mean that former Conservative Prime Minister Stanley Baldwin was 12.5% of all people having sex on Blackpool beach in August? Should you count all of the passengers on the tram? The computations are mind-boggling.

6. It Might Be Illegal. By and large, Mass Observation researchers were amateur volunteers (and deviants apparently), but the Mass Observation organisation accepted donations and funds from book advances, so it’s not beyond the realms of possibility that the researchers were being paid to do this and it’s highly likely that they were receiving money for expenses. This raises another question. What do you call someone that gets paid when having sex? That’s right, a prostitute. So, not only has this researcher royally messed up the statistics (and given me a headache) he’s committed an act of prostitution while he was working at the beach.

7. It Gets Worse. The Mass Observation organisation have – in the act of giving money to a prostitute – become a kerb crawler. That’s the sort of label that makes the organisation that have produced the least credible survey of all time look – incredibly – less credible than they already seemed (which was not at all). This survey looks like an excuse for voyeurism, depicts Blackpool in unbelievable terms, skews its own findings by engaging in a sexual act on a beach, raises statistical questions that caused me to consider sex with a tram and the organisation that made it might have sullied their reputation by giving money to a hooker. If there has been a less credible survey ever made I’d love to see it.

*The survey’s finding: Bloody loads.

September 2, 2011
7 Reasons To Get A Winter Beach Body

It’s the summer, and chances are that, right now, your thoughts are turning to holidays, with all of the indolent ease, languor and sheer carefree bliss that they entail. Unless you’re standing in a branch of WH Smith and gazing at a magazine stand consisting of dozens of covers featuring airbrushed pictures and article titles such as “How To Get The Perfect Summer Beach Body”, in which case you’re probably experiencing something akin to terror. But don’t panic, you don’t need the “perfect summer beach body” for your holiday; in fact, it’s infinitely inferior to the winter beach body. Here are seven reasons why.

1. A Winter Beach Body Is A Safer Option. And safety in the sea is important. When I was a svelte child, learning to swim, one of the things that all of my friends and family spent many hours teaching me to do was float. “It’s simple”, they would say, “you just stretch your arms and legs out and relax”, and then they’d just lie there, on top of the sea. Then it would be my turn: I’d stretch my arms and legs out, relax, and soon I’d find myself floating serenely. To the bottom of the sea. I would sink like a stone every time. But if you have a winter beach body, you’ll be difficult to sink and, should you get into trouble and find yourself floating away from the shore, you’ll be easier to spot from the beach or a helicopter. Your chances of surviving your beach holiday will be manifestly better than those of summer-bodied people.

2. A Winter Beach Body Makes A Statement. Getting a summer beach body is easy, anyone can do it. But getting a winter beach body takes a considerable investment of time and money and requires technology too. You can use it to flaunt your wealth and status. What does your winter beach body say about you? A winter beach body says that you can afford to dine well; a winter beach body says that you’re a car owner; a winter beach body says that you live somewhere modern festooned with lifts and escalators; a winter beach body says that you can afford twice as much suntan oil as anyone else on the beach; a winter beach body says that you might own a Segway. A winter beach body signifies affluence and ease.

3. A Winter Beach Body Is Practical. You might be holidaying in Britain and for that, a winter beach body is the better option. On British beaches, where people consume ice cream to warm themselves up, you’ll at least stand half a chance of not dying of hypothermia or exposure. What’s the last question that any family in the UK asks before they head off to the beach? “Have you remembered to pack the blanket”? In this country, insulation is most important thing that you can take to the beach. Winter beach bodies have more of that, built-in.

4. Getting A Winter Beach Body Is More Fun. You don’t need to starve yourself or drink eight litres of water a day to get a winter beach body. You won’t have to visit a gym either, unless you’re going there to use the horizontal bar (the one with the bottles on it). You won’t have to spend the months leading up to your holiday eating only beetroot during daylight hours (except for every second Tuesday, which is miso soup day) and you’ll never, ever have to eat celery.

5. A Winter Beach Body Requires Less Hair Removal. As the possessor of a winter beach body you’ll be less inclined to wear a bikini made from a shoelace or a pair of budgie smugglers so small that they can barely contain your budgie. This means that there’ll be less hair removal, which is good as hair removal is the most painful experience known to man (and the second most painful known to woman). I would sooner break my fingers with a piano lid than tweeze a nose hair, let alone pluck one from down there, beneath my trousers. A winter beach body means less pain. Or fewer pain, to be correct about it.

6. A Winter Beach Body Frees You From The Beach. With a winter beach body, you might find that you’ll want to spend less time on the beach, away from all of those preening show-offs. This is brilliant, as no one actually likes the beach. It’s uncomfortable, being made of either stones (which hurt) or sand (which chafes). It’s boring, as the number of people busy ignoring it and burying their noses in their books demonstrates and it’s frustrating, as your chips will be stolen by a seagull. If you spend less time on the beach, you’ll have more fun, and you’ll get to eat all of your chips yourself. Unless you’re a man. Your winter beach body will liberate you from the beach.

7. It’s Too Late To Do Anything Else. Having blithely ignored every magazine at the supermarket checkout and every other daytime television programme telling you how to get the perfect summer beach body for the past five months or so, there’s very little time left. This is good, as getting a winter beach body is quick and easy. It won’t be the perfect summer beach body as depicted in magazines (which are only ever perfect in the mind of the beholder, and never in the mind of the owner), but it’ll be your body. Take it to the beach and enjoy yourself, or even better, take it away from the beach and enjoy yourself. Oh, and don’t read magazines.*

*Do, however, read websites.

July 22, 2011
7 Reasons To Fly A Kite

1. Cats. It’s a well known fact that 80% of all missing cats are somewhere up a tree. 60% of these cats are found when someone accidentally gets their kite tangled up on the same branch. So basically, the morale of this reason is thus: If you’ve lost a cat, buy a kite.

2. Life Skills Training. There aren’t many more annoying things in life than Janet Street-Porter, but trying to fly a kite when there is no wind has to be one of them. Charging up and down the park, dragging a bit of string and cellophane – or whatever that material is – along the ground is enough to give anyone the hump. But this is where perseverance comes in. If at first you don’t succeed, keep trying until the wind comes.

3. You Want To Be David Attenborough. I, myself, have always liked the idea of being a sports commentator. Which is why, whenever I see a dog off it’s lead, I pretend it’s in a Grand Prix. It’s good practice. If you want to make wildlife documentaries, I can’t think of better place to practice than in the park. Preferably one like that in the above photo. You can make insightful comment on the relationship between a giant purple bear and a red lizard without any danger of either of them turning on you.

4. SOS. I know it’s unlikely, but if you ever find yourself on an apparently deserted island, well the best thing you can do is whip out your kite. Fly it high in the sky and there is much more chance of you being spotted and saved before the island monster comes and reads your mind and then kills you.*

5. Hand-eye Co-ordination. If you’ve ever wanted to improve your use of a knife and fork or your ability to text when drunk, then flying a kite surely has to be the perfect practice. Keep the kite in the air, without the strings tangling, without taking out another kite and without walking off the edge of the cliff. The results will be incredible. Don’t believe me? Well, you try using a knife and fork at the foot of the Beachy Head.

6. Chat-up Technique. If you see someone you like flying their kite, all you have to do is ‘accidentally’ run towards them and take their kite out with yours. Or, if you think they’ll provide you with a soft landing, just take them out. The next step is to be apologetic and, before you know it, you’ll be off on a date to the nearest kite repair store. Or the hospital.

7. Watch Retriever. You’ve probably never thought of this, but next time a magpie flies off with your watch, get the kite out. If you are quick enough you can chase after the pesky thing and capture it. Much more bird friendly than a shotgun.

*I might have been watching Lost a bit too much.

May 19, 2010
7 Reasons To Wear Socks With Sandals

1. Keep Your Feet Clean. A fairly obvious one, but assuming you aren’t walking about in your bath, your feet are going to get dirty if not covered by sock fabric. Dirty feet mean dirty sandals. Dirty sandals mean a dirty mind. Not always a good thing.

2. You Want To Be Left Alone. If you need some me time – and by that I don’t mean Jonathan Lee time (although I am flattered) – socks and sandals is the way to go. It’s even better than buying a shed and locking yourself in it. Have you ever seen a woman holding the hand of a man in socks and sandals? Have you ever seen children shout ‘Daddy’ to a man in socks and sandals? Have you ever seen a chugger approach a man in socks and sandals? The answer to all these questions is no. That’s the difference a sock can make.

3. You’re Wearing Speedos. And possibly a handkerchief on your head. If you are wearing Speedos and a handkerchief on your head, the only thing that is going to make people look below your knees are socks with sandals. Unless you are actually wearing Speedos on your head, in which case you should remove one sock and position it elsewhere. Immediately. Which come to think of it is another reason for wearing socks in the first place.

4. They’re Not Your Socks. It is a sad indictment of today’s beach holiday, but people do steal socks. You maybe one of the sad indictments. If you are, then firstly, shame on you. Secondly, let me give you a tip. Putting the socks on – beneath your sandals – and it will make it look like you own them. No one is going to accuse you of sock stealing if you are wearing them. Or going through the wallet you also picked up.

5. Hide Your Feet From Podophobes. Podophobes are people with a fear of feet – and I assume iPods, pea pods, podcasts and anything that comes out from underneath Thunderbird 2. People who have a fear of things usually react in one of two ways. The first is that they run away screaming. The second is that they attack. The problem is you have two feet. One may make the podophobe run away, the other may make them massacre it. Really you want it one way or the other. Hopping is very tiring.

6. Avoid Pedicurists. Pedicurists are those strange people who like holding other people’s feet between their thighs. You can never spot them though. They hide too well. Usually as normal human beings. However, come the summer and they are attracted to uncovered feet like moths to the flame. Go out without your socks and you’ll be defending the state of your feet all day. (And why you thought violet was a good nail polish colour).

7. You Have Reached Old Age. As soon as you get to this age, wearing socks and sandals becomes acceptable. I am not sure what this age is – probably because I haven’t reached it yet – but you’ll know because it’ll arrive at the same time as you feel the need to have the heating on all year round and decide that £2.50 is still enough for your grandchild to buy an Easter Egg.*

*I do love my Grandparents, but seriously. I can’t even buy two Kinder Eggs for that.

April 20, 2010