Tag: 7 reasons.seven reasons

It’s Christmas!

Hello! Merry Christmas from the 7 Reasons team. We’ve been having a whale of a time here today, we slept fitfully and expectantly and this morning we gathered around the 7 Reasons tree to unwrap our presents:

Jon was thrilled with his set of Kim Jong Il models.

Marc was somewhat less thrilled with his Lakeland lemon preserver.

Now that the presents are unwrapped and we’ve tidied the floor up and fed the penguin, it’s time for us to take off for a while, to resume our real lives for a week or two; so that we can spend time with our friends and families, and experience events without thinking, “I can probably get a 7 Reasons post out of that“. Because our first thought on falling into a hole is invariably, “7 Reasons Not to Fall Into a Hole!”, rather than the more conventional, “Fuck! My arm hurts, I hope no one saw me. Have I ripped my trousers?“

We won’t be posting anything new until the 6th of January but, rest assured, we’ll probably be creating things for next year while we’re away. We’ll also – inspired by Christmas television, in which the repeats are often more popular than new programming – be tweeting the links to some of our favourite posts during the holidays. Feel free to read or re-read them and to wander around the site unsupervised while we’re away, we’re very trusting.

We’d like to wish all the readers, guest writers and friends of 7 Reasons a very merry Christmas and a happy and prosperous New Year*, and we’d like to thank everyone for their continued help and support. We couldn’t keep this up without you,

Marc and Jon.

*And a happy Sausage Day!

December 25, 2010
7 Reasons You Should Not Ride A Crocodile

Sometimes at 7 Reasons we’re bloody helpful. Today is one of those days. We know that crocodiles seem cool and it looks like it would be fun to ride one, but before you go out and try it for yourself, we want to warn you that it isn’t a good idea. Here are seven reasons why.

1. Posture. Crocodiles carry themselves very close to terra-firma. So much so that their bellies occasionally scrape the floor. People usually like to dangle their legs; but on a crocodile-back one would have to forego such a luxury. Only those who attend regular Yoga classes are going to last more than five minutes with their knees above their ears. Who would have thought doing the Downward-Facing Dog every Tuesday at 9am could prove so beneficial?

2. Danger. Riding a crocodile is dangerous as they’re amphibious. You’re not just at risk of getting your trousers wet. Crocodiles can hold their breath for up to two hours underwater, which is great for them, but you would drown in little over a minute which would be unfortunate for you, and inconvenient for the crocodile who could conceivably have to drag your waterlogged corpse around for weeks before it came loose. And the other crocodiles would probably poke fun.

3. Comfort. This may surprise the humble crocodile-boot attired 7 Reasons reader, but a crocodile was not built for comfort. With bony, plate-like scales and raised keels running down its powerful tail, you’d find more comfort racing along the Great Wall of China in a pantomime-horse costume with Anne Widdecombe playing your backside. And more fun, if you’re into that sort of thing.

4. Hunting. Don’t be thinking that your mount is going to stop trying to find food just because you’re on its back. If your croc sees a buffalo, you’d better hope you have your whistle with you, otherwise there is no way you are going to be able to referee the imminent battle for lunch. Not even Pierluigi Collina could keep a hungry crocodile from attempting to feast on a water buffalo. Even with a pair of fifth officials flanking the buffalo line.

5. Time Keeping. Crocodiles are renowned for their laissez-faire approach to time-keeping. Hence the famous expression, ‘See You Later Alligator, In A While Crocodile’. How long is a while? Ten minutes? Ten hours? Ten years? If I’m riding a crocodile, I want to know how long it is going to take until we reach our destination. If it’s ten years, I should probably bring spare pants.

6. Motion Sickness. Crocodiles are believed to have been around for over 200 million years, which is almost as long as Coronation Street. It stands to reason therefore that, if you want to know about riding a crocodile, you should consult someone that’s been knocking around for a long time. So we did, and Sir Elton John said, “Well, Crocodile rocking is something shocking”. So there you have it. If you want to avoid motion sickness, stick to riding more stable beasts. Sir Elton says so.

7. Accessories. Finding the right accessory for crocodile riding is more tricky than you’d imagine. Most people would probably think, “what goes with crocodile? I know, crocodile”, and then purchase something like a Hermes Birkin bag in the much sought-after saltwater-crocodile skin. But wait. That would be foolish, madam. Either the lovingly finished hide of the saltwater crocodile in an immaculately dyed colour will cause your crocodile to be jealous, or it will cause it to be nervous. And who knows where that could lead? It may see your handbag as some sort of rival and pounce or it may see it as a hideous portent of the future and you may experience an unexpected and unpleasant trip to the crocodile bathroom. Either way, accessorizing your crocodile is a potential minefield.

*We apologise for mentioning the Downward Facing Dog and Anne Widdecombe in the same post. And, indeed, on the same internet. We’re off for therapy now, see you tomorrow.

November 26, 2010
7 Reasons That Series II of Downton Abbey Will Be Even Better Than Series I

Downton Abbey, ITV’s very enjoyable and successful Sunday evening drama has had a second series commissioned. This is brilliant news as it is the best thing that ITV has produced for ages, possibly even ever. And the great thing is that the second series is going to be even better than the first. Here are seven reasons why.

1. The Writing Will Be Better. Julian Fellowes is a terrific writer and his historical knowledge and nuanced eye make Downton Abbey a brilliant evocation of an Edwardian life of privilege. And, as absolutely everything improves with practice and revision, the writing will be even better in the second series: The first time he wrote Gosford Park, it was Gosford Park, which was quite good. The second time he wrote Gosford Park, it was Downton Abbey, which was very good, and the third time he writes Gosford Park, it will be Downton Abbey: Series 2, which will surely be amazing. If they commission a few more series, Downton Abbey will eventually become the best written thing in the history of television.

2. The Opening. The first series of Downton Abbey opened with the news of the sinking of the Titanic reaching the house. Having the heirs to the house die in the Titanic tragedy was a terrific device which acted as the catalyst for many of the storylines. Series two can repeat this by killing off the current heir to Downton Abbey in the sinking of the Lusitania, and then we can begin the search for an heir all over again. Only this time we might get one with a chin and a personality.

3. The Limp. One of the dominant storylines of series one has been Bates’ limp. The consternation that it has caused has resonated throughout the series with many repercussions for both the house’s residents and staff. The First World War setting of season two will offer far greater scope for the characters to be intolerant of the disabled causing, as it surely will, characters to maim themselves fighting the Bosch from a trench. Perhaps a new downstairs hierarchy will develop based on the amount of available limbs a servant has. It’s like taking the limp storyline and escalating it.

4. Maggie Smith. Redoubtable battleaxe, the Dowager Countess, stole the show when she enquired over dinner, “The weekend? What is a weekend?”. The war will provide far greater scope for lofty and disdainful incomprehension, bringing as it will, a whole new vocabulary of dreadnoughts, zeppelins, trench foot, doughboys, big berthas, whizz-bangs and Kaisers. Though she probably already knows who the Kaiser is, “Rum fellow, typical foreign-type, no notion of how to dress for luncheon and abominable taste in hats.” The moment she exclaims, “A zeppelin has bombed Hull? What is this Hull of which you speak?” will be priceless.

5. Conscription. There’ll be great scope for new and interesting characters because of conscription. And, while the third reserve under-butler’s valet’s second footman is away having his head blown off at the Somme, who knows what could happen back at Gosfor Downton Abbey. Any manner of earth-shattering things could occur. Women may have to take on some of the tasks usually performed by the menfolk. The scope for revolutionary gender-role reassignment is immense. Perhaps they’ll find themselves selecting cufflinks, removing lint from a man’s jacket or winding up a clock. A maid might open the front door! Anarchy.

6. Order. The version of pastoral care the paternal Earl metes out to his wards will be tested to the limit in series two, as the poverty and lack of privation that war brings begins to impinge on life at Downton. How will he dispense justice when the newly widowed ladies-maid’s kitchen-maid’s undermaid is caught pilfering part of a silver cruet set? How will he deal with the theft of three of his grouse by a hungry poacher named Higgins (all poachers are called Higgins, I don’t know why). How will he react to the wooing of a ladies maid by an itinerant muffin man? It’s going to be great.

7. Suitors. Once she’s been forbidden to go into nursing by the Dowager Countess, (“Nursing? A lady tending commoners? The moon will surely implode,”) the eldest daughter will continue her Downton life pretty much unaltered, except with more varied suitors. Instead of being wooed by a succession of avaricious dullards in black tie, she’ll be wooed by a succession of avaricious dullards dressed in khaki. And that will wholly justify paying the licence fee for a colour television. We can’t wait.

October 15, 2010