Category: Posts

7 Reasons You Shouldn’t go to the Doctor’s

1. Hand-wash. Little plastic dispensers of antiseptic hand-wash: They’re inside the main entrance, they’re in the reception area, they’re in the waiting room, they’re in the doctor’s office, they’re everywhere! They outnumber patients by about 40-1; they outnumber patients’ hands by about 20.5-1 (there was a one-armed man). Why could they possibly need so many? It will bother you.

2. Sick people. There are sick people at the doctor’s surgery, it’s full of them: Coughing, retching, groaning, wailing, with blotches, pustules, buboes and weeping sores; it’s more like Hell’s waiting room than Dr Butterworth’s. If I ever write a historical novel about the Black Death in medieval Europe I’ll visit the doctor’s for inspiration – and just hope I live long enough to complete it.

3. Light. The soulless, ceaseless hum of the fluorescent strip-lights is the soundtrack to your stay in the waiting room. Worse still, their glow bathes everything and everyone in an unnatural light, giving the room’s occupants a grey, bleached-out pallor that makes them appear unwell, even if they’re not.

4. Magazines. Due to the Swine Flu scare they no longer have magazines in my local surgery; no Country Life, no Woman’s Weekly – in fact, nothing to read at all. Presumably they think our hands would be too slick from the hand-wash to leaf through the pages. Fortunately, on my last visit to the doctor, I had a copy of Vanity Fair with me, so I pulled that out of my bag and began to read. My fellow patients – envious, I assume – saw my magazine and started moving toward it. They rose slowly from their seats and shuffled gradually forward, eventually forming a groaning, coughing semi-circle around me. With their fluorescent strip-light pallor, obvious wounds and missing limb they resembled the un-dead. Fortunately, the doctor called me in before they started to feast on my brains.*

5. Manliness. Convention has it that real men don’t visit the doctor. This is nonsense. If he has misplaced a limb, his elbow has unaccountably turned purple, or his urine is pure Bovril, a man should visit the doctor. In all other cases, he should soldier on.

6. Discouragement. They don’t want you to see you. Why would they? They might catch something dreadful or you might try to show them your hemorrhoids. If they really wanted to see you they would open outside of office hours and they’d give you an appointment less than a week into the future. They might also consent to visit you at home on occasions other than your imminent death. They do these things to discourage you from seeking medical advice. If you don’t go to see the doctor, their whole system runs more smoothly. And that’s the way they like it.

7. Feelings. Doctor’s surgeries aren’t just places to treat your physical ailments, they’re places that are concerned with your general wellbeing too. These days, they seem just as concerned with your emotional wellbeing as they are with your physical health. This isn’t necessarily a good thing:

Bond strode into the uncluttered, homely office. After some light conversation, the G.P. asked how he felt about his condition.

“Do you expect me to talk, Dr Blofeld?”

“No Mr Bond, I expect you to cry”

break

No one wants that, who knows where it may lead?

break

*Did I mention that I had a bit of a temperature?

February 22, 2010
7 Reasons MPs Should Travel First Class

1. The Importance Of Being Important. Most people like feeling important. It gives them an enormous sense of wellbeing. (Thanks to Damon Albarn for that insight). When you feel important, you feel proud. When you feel proud you take pride in what you do. Generally it means you do something well for once. Just think, if we got 75% of all MPs in first class, Great Britain would be 75% better. Believe it.

2. Forget Forgetfulness. Working in first class means you have more space. It means you don’t feel overcrowded or have the sensation that everyone is looking over your shoulder. In this relaxed state of mind you are unlikely to be flustered when you realise you have already pulled into the station. In turn it means you are unlikely to leave important documents on the train. Like the names, addresses and shoe sizes of all your friendly neighbourhood swinging couples.

3. The Art Of Complaining. These days the British like complaining. It is a fairly new phenomenon. Usually such pathetic behaviour was left to the French, while those in this country sucked it up and displayed their stiff upper lip. But for one reason or another those days are fast dissipating and now there is nothing a Brit likes more than a good old moan. Particularly if it is about an MP. Letting MPs travel first class gives us stuff to talk about in the pub, listen to on the radio, watch on Question Time and write about on websites.

4. The Art Of Moaning. MPs, being British themselves, also like to moan. Moaning about having to pay back expenses or moaning about the lack of fresh water crabs in their moat or moaning about Gordon Brown moaning about David Cameron moaning about Labour moaning about the Conservatives. Quite frankly I am bored of it. The Winter Olympics are on and all I can think about is how cool it would be to put Harriet Harman in a bobsleigh. If we force MPs to travel standard class we will hear moaning about not having the correct environment to work in. I don’t want to hear that. It reeks of an excuse. Stick them in first class and they no longer have an excuse for doing a sub-standard job.

5. News Of The Country. Newspapers are free in first class. Perhaps this will encourage one or two of them to read one and find out what is actually happening in this country. Then perhaps one of the two would like to do something about it instead of just talking about it.

6. Strangers On A Train. If the MPs are up at the front of the train, it means there is an empty seat in front of you. Who knows who might join you on your trip to Reading. Maybe a splendidly pretty young thing who doesn’t use text speak? Or maybe a female Canadian Mountie? Or maybe both? Not that either of us would even think about looking at them. We’d be far more interested in cows rushing by our window.

7. Fight Club. No MPs with all us ‘different type of people’ down in carriage D, means it will remain the quiet carriage. That has to be a good thing. For First Great Western.

February 19, 2010
7 Reasons To Love The Letter B

1. B is for Brilliance. Don’t take this website as evidence. Take a look here and here. It is all around us. Brilliance is good. Without it we’d be distinctly average. And no one wants that.

2. B is for Britain. Yes, I am biased (and not just because I feel the need to be given the subject of this post), but Britain is the best country in the world. It has history. Spectacular geography. Culture. Art. Morris dancing. Cheese rolling. Test Match Special. Marks & Spencer. Gardens. The Archers. Castles. Cornish Pasties. Colin Firth. Allotments. And me.

3. B is for Brown. No, not Gordon. Sauce. Brown Sauce is great. Brown Sauce doesn’t need Piers Morgan to make it look good.

4. B is for Beauty. Life is beautiful. People like looking at beautiful things. People are beautiful. People like looking at beautiful people. I like looking at pictures of Sandra Bullock.

5. B is for Baths. At the 7 Reasons HQ, the bath is rarely sans person. (Though unlike the 7 Reasons sofa it is never occupied by more than one person at a time). A bath is relaxing. A bath is stimulating. A bath is a place of discovery. Just ask Archimedes. If he hadn’t jumped into the bath on that glorious day in 240BC, we wouldn’t have submarines.

6. B is for the Beach Boys. Just to show that while I am biased towards my country I am not xenophobic, I am going to ignore The Beatles – a pretty good band – and head stateside to find the best. Not only were The Beach Boys brilliant exponents when it came to creating the 2:30 pop song, they also created the masterpiece that is Pet Sounds. One of – if not the – greatest albums ever made.

7. B is for Buses. Without buses we wouldn’t have seen Holiday on the Buses. Or Summer Holiday. We would also have forgotten about Darren Day five years before we eventually did.

*See here for 7 Reasons To Love The Letter A.

February 18, 2010
7 Reasons AC Milan vs Manchester United was a Disappointment

1. Pancake Day. Who the hell schedules a match on Pancake Day? After all, no one plays on Christmas Day or on Easter Sunday. That’s because important holidays should, rightly, be observed. I had to listen to it on the radio while making the pancakes. Why couldn’t they have played it on Valentine’s Day instead? I love football, after all.

2. Hype. No mere football match could possibly live up to the preposterous hyperbole that preceded this game. For a week on BBC 5Live they trailed it as “David Beckham’s AC Milan vs Manchester United”. David Beckham’s AC Milan? Am I missing something? The LA Galaxy player who is on loan at AC Milan? That David Beckham? The David Beckham who isn’t the captain, manager or owner of AC Milan? The David Beckham who doesn’t usually start for AC Milan? Silvio Berlusconi owns AC Milan and he’s the President of Italy, so to describe the match as “Italy vs Manchester United” would have more accurate and less preposterous than “David Beckham’s AC Milan vs Manchester United”.

3. Palestine. Fergie’s tactics were odd to say the least. Both Graham Taylor and Alan Green remarked on it. He set Manchester United up with a five man midfield and had Park Ji-Sung marking the Palestine Liberation Organisation. I’m no tactical genius, but even I could see that Milan’s goal threat did not come from the P.L.O.

4. The Referee. Early in the first half, Ronaldinho went down on the edge of the opposition penalty area. The ref didn’t give Milan a free kick. Technically he was correct, there was no foul, but he obviously hadn’t read the script. Has he never seen a Hollywood movie? Of course he should have let Beckham have a free kick from the edge of the area. The occasion demanded it. Wayne Rooney obviously hadn’t read the script either.

5. Alan Green. He came back from some time off to resume his monomaniacal ranting about David Beckham. Among the first words Green said on taking over the microphone during the first half (after his customary dig at Sir Alex Ferguson) were, “Beckham, in 24 minutes, has taken two free kicks”, he went on to complain that he had been, “static in the midfield”. There were 21 other players he could have mentioned, but no, not Alan Green. The one occasion on which Alan Green didn’t mention Beckham, was when the Man United fans sang “One David Beckham” as he left the pitch. I don’t know what Beckham ever did to Alan Green, but I hope he does it again. Frequently and with vigour.

6. Behaviour. As I write this it is over eleven hours since the match ended. There have been no reports of players drunkenly cruising the autostrada in golf carts or capsizing pedalos in Lake Como. Why can’t footballers act more like the gentlemen that play cricket and rugby? Football players are over-hyped, over-paid and over-behaved.

7. Excitement. There were five goals and a last minute sending off, Rooney was brilliant – it was an enthralling and exciting match. You might wonder how this is disappointing. Let me assure you, it’s bloody disappointing when you’ve got a piece of paper in front of you with the heading “7 Reasons That AC Milan vs Manchester United was a Disappointment”, which is just as well, really.

February 17, 2010
7 Reasons to go and Watch Invictus

1. Morgan Freeman. Usually the veteran actor gets typecast as God, but in Invictus he gets promoted and puts in a superb performance as Nelson Mandela. His accent is a bit dodgy, but the same could be said of all South Africans. Either that or they genuinely believe it’s called “Sowt Efrica”.

2. Rugby. There aren’t many decent films about rugby and the depiction of the game is pretty good in Invictus. It’s not up to the standard of This Sporting Life, but that’s almost 50 years old and is about the wrong rugby – the one they play in the North-West that makes you shout “For fucks sake, run around him” when you accidentally see television coverage of it. Perhaps I’m missing some subtle nuance of that game, but why do they always run straight into an opposing player?

3. Crying. Everyone loves a good cry – something I often tell myself when I’ve put my foot in it again, and if you’re prone to crying at sport or movies, you’ll definitely cry at the conclusion of Invictus. Eastwood manages to wring just about every ounce of emotion out of the film’s climax. If you’re at all sensitive, you’ll cry like a girl – even if you aren’t one.

4. Crying. I didn’t cry like a girl while everyone else in the cinema was blubbing though. Oh no. I cried when Jonah Lomu ran amok with the ball and rampaged through the defenceless England backs. It brought it all back to me; the big bully, those poor little mites, the carnage. Oh, the horror.

5. Sound. Want to hear rugby with improbable sounds dubbed on? Of course you do. Go and see Invictus. Every tackle sounds like a gunshot within a biscuit-tin within a kettle-drum within an empty water-tank within an Airbus A340 flying through a thunderstorm. The woman sitting next to me gasped during every tackle. She may have been mental though, there’s usually one in every cinema.

6. England. As the film is based on real sporting events I’m not giving anything away when I tell you that Rory Underwood scores a try for England during the film. This is great, though the rest of the audience will not thank you for celebrating it. Trust me.

7. Matt Damon. MAAAATTTT DAAAAAMMMON!!!!! He is brilliant in Invictus. His South African accent is convincing and he plays Francois Pienaar with a lovely, understated dignity. He has also transformed his entire body to play the role. The shot in which they show his upper torso is entirely gratuitous, but his musculature is astonishing – it is physical evidence of the dedication that he brought to his preparation for the film. Being much shorter than the real Francois Pienaar, he had to stand on a box for several of his scenes. I explained this to my friend before we went in to see the film. “Matt Damon’s pretty short”, I said, demonstrating his height with my hand at about chest level. I then raised my hand above me, stood on tiptoes, and extended my right arm fully, “but Francois Pienaar’s enormous, he’s 6ft 3!!! That’s…er…an inch taller than we are”. I have already been made to feel quite silly for that, thank you for asking.

February 15, 2010
7 Reasons To Watch The Winter Olympics

1. Primetime. This time around, the Winter Olympics are in Vancouver. That means it will be shown on the TV in the evenings. Assuming you are reading this in the UK that is. Watching sport on a weeknight evening is brilliant. It is what makes life so enjoyable.

2. We Might Win A Medal. And if we do, it will almost certainly be won by someone we haven’t heard of. In a sport we know nothing about. But come Sports Personality of the Year in December we will all be voting for her. Or him. Or them. Those of us who aren’t voting for Rory Delap that is.

3. Last Chance To See. The British Ski and Snowsport Federation has gone into administration. This could be the last time you get to see Great Britain represented at the Winter Olympics. History in the making.

4. Anthems. It gives us a chance to hear National anthems that we don’t normally in the Summer Olympics. The Austrian and the Swiss for example. I can’t tell you whether they are any good or not because it has been four years since I last heard them. But we’ll find out next week.

5. Curling. Despite being one of the earliest nations to have adopted widespread use of the vacuum cleaner, Britain is actually quite good at a sport that involves sweeping. Even more astonishingly, the captain of our women’s curling team is a teenager. Predictably, she isn’t involved in the sweeping, preferring to leave a big mess containing worn clothes, dirty plates, miscellaneous make up and cds without cases in the path of the stone.*

6. Commentary. The Winter Olympics provides commentators with the opportunity to commentate (naturally) on sports that they are none-too-familiar with. It gives you the chance to shout at the TV whenever they make a mistake. But there are also commentators who see it as an opportunity to make a name for themselves. They’ll try and make the sport far more exciting that is actually is. Don’t take my word for it. Watch this. And make sure you stay with it until 2:20.

7. Baring (sic) Up Under The Strain. I know everyone has seen this, but I can’t think of another reason. And I chose this particular version of the video because it is called, ‘bob sled chick rips pants and shows her ass in a thong…sexy’. Thanks jimni999
.

*This is not true, Eve Muirhead is bloody brilliant – and probably very tidy too.

February 12, 2010
7 Reasons to Watch Rachael Hodges on BBC News

Radio legend and BBC Radio 5Live newsreader, Rachael Hodges, has recently begun presenting the sport on BBC News, the BBC’s 24 hour rolling news television channel. She’s not sure when she’s on, but it will definitely be today, and tomorrow…probably. Here are 7 reasons to watch.

1. USP. Rachael Hodges has this rather wonderful quality that means she can take even the most mundane of things and turn them into something rather beautiful. Take Richard Bacon for example. Richard Bacon would not be where he is now if it wasn’t for Rachael Hodges. Just ask anyone who listened to Bacon’s late-night BBC Radio 5Live show last year. We are hoping she has a similar effect on Kevin Pietersen.

2. Anglo-Welsh. You wouldn’t know this from listening to her, but Rachael Hodges is in fact Welsh. There are two reasons she sounds English. One is because her country of birth lost the rugby at the weekend and secondly the majority of her audience is English. As she needs to stay in the job she is more than willing to cater for the masses.

3. Audible. Not every newsreader/sports-presenter can actually read-out-loud properly. They are either stammering or spitting or fainting at the sight of the Russian name coming up in the next paragraph. Rachael Hodges, though, is a pro. She has everything written out phonetically. You won’t even notice.

4. Appearance. Rachael Hodges is pretty. Very pretty. While it might be a shallow reason to watch her, it is a reason none-the-less. And no one is going to convince us it is not the reason you are going to tune in every 15 minutes. Not that the 7 Reasons team will be watching. They value their lives too much.

5. Nickname. Rachael Hodges has a nickname. The Hodges. Fiona Bruce isn’t called The Bruce is she? Jon Snow isn’t called The Snow. Rachael Hodges has a loyal group of followers called The Hodgehuggers. Ever heard of The Brucecuddlers? Or The Snowstrokers? Exactly.

6. Competition. Rachael Hodges actually competes in sport. She competes in triathlons and is running the London Marathon this year*. Most sports presenters wouldn’t know one end of a hockey racquet from the other and would curl up and die in a wheezing heap if called upon to run for a bus. Assuming they needed a bus to take them to the next pub, of course.

7. Australia. British sports presenters are, on the whole, a dour bunch whose bulletins feature despair, crisis, pessimism and more despair. When our boys go into sporting events they do so with the flames of public fervour already extinguished by the mewling wet-blankets that preview our national sporting events for us. Australian sport presenters, on the other hand, stir up public expectation. “Our blokes are gonna slaughter the Poms” is considered a perfectly acceptable match preview in Australia, where they tend not to get too hung up on detail, analysis or pre-match excuses. Rachael is going out with an Australian. Perhaps it will rub off.

*You can sponsor Rachael’s London Marathon attempt here. http://www.justgiving.com/rachael-hodges

Picture of Rachael Hodges on the bicycle leg of a triathlon taken at Dorney Lake by SussexSportPhotography.com (Thanks Ant!).

February 11, 2010
7 Reasons I’m Afraid of Flamenco Dancers

1. Stamping. The cacophonous, aggressive, rhythmical stamping that makes up part of the flamenco dance is terrifying. Stamp stamp stamp stamp stamp stamp stamp stamp, it’s the sound of a lone Nazi stormtrooper goose-stepping on an upturned tea-chest. And that’s before they begin the more frenzied stamping and shuffling – which is beyond bone-chilling.

Terrifying!

2. Castanets. Clickety clickety clickety click. How do they work? Nobody knows. Bastard things.

3. Clapping. They clap too. They start doing this when their castanets run out of batteries or they realise they’re impossible to use or they just become heartily sick of the clicking or something. Perhaps they clap during the dance so that I don’t have to at the end.

4. Shrieking. They also shriek unexpectedly and make other startling noises. Random shrieking is enough to put anyone ill-at-ease. A woman started shrieking when we were in bed once. It was most off-putting.

5. Fans. They’re not content with all the stamping, clicking, clapping and shrieking, oh no. They wave fans about too. Well, it’s not so much waving as a sort of semi-hypnotic swooping; all swooshing and whooshing like the flight of an errant kite. The fan moves a lot, but always covers the face. This is good, because at some point the fan will be lowered to uncover…

6. The Man-Face. Aaaarrrrrggghhhh!!!! You’ve spent a while checking the dancer out – she has firm, shapely legs and a good figure – when she abruptly reveals the man-face. And it’s not even the face of an attractive man. All flamenco dancers have a man-face, every last one of them. I don’t know why, but they do. I know that there are Spanish ladies with nice faces, they just don’t let them dance the flamenco. For some unfathomable reason, the flamenco is danced exclusively by otherwise elegant enchantresses with the powerful, chisel-jawed countenance of the Marlboro Man and the leaden-footed bearing of a startled horse in clogs.

7. The Dream. I once dreamt that a flamenco dancer snuck into my bedroom and ate my cat. I woke with a start exclaiming, “fffffnuduhuh!” Scared the pants off me. And I’m quite sure I went to bed wearing pants.

February 10, 2010
7 Reasons To Wear A Cape

1. You’re A Fashionista. This is the fashion. I personally think the above looks a bit silly. And, if you are Louis Vuitton, you probably would too. But as he has been dead for 118 years, I very much doubt he cares that his once burgeoning luggage company has turned into this.

2. Fancy Dress Parties. You are probably wondering why I didn’t write this first? I mean, it is the most obvious reason. I didn’t write it first because it made much more sense to have the reason that worked with the image first. Common sense in my book. Anyway, if you are going to a fancy dress party as a superhero, you must wear a cape. If you don’t you’ll probably be mistaken for that girl from Flashdance.

3. Use As A Hood. It is a well known fact that 87% of all coats don’t have a hood. It’s a bizarre trend, but a fact none-the-less. It’s also a well known fact that 87% of the 100% of people who wear a hood-less coat, forget to carry an umbrella on their person. If 87% of those 87% wore a cape, only 22% of the entire population would ever get a wet head. And that has to be a good thing. Doesn’t it?*

4. Spare Material. A cape has a very practical use. It could be torn up to make an infinite number of tourniquets, Rambo style headbands, bracelets, Christmas tree decorations. You just never know what is around the next corner.

5. You’re A Man. Capes are particularly useful if you like hugging girls. As a general rule, girls don’t like to be cold. With a cape you can invite them into your chest and wrap your cape around them. Smooth. Oh, you can also use it to wipe your nose.

6. You’re A Woman. Now, as you can probably tell, I am not your average man. I pride myself on the fact that I can do at least two things at once. Unless it’s write a 7 Reasons post and spell everything correctly. Women though – so I have heard – can do up to 32 things at once. A cape can help them make that at least 35. They could carry things. Or drag things. Or polish things. The possibilities are endless.

7. You Have Short Hair. Short hair is good as it doesn’t take two and a half hours to dry. Long hair is good if you like whooshing it about from side to side á la L’Oreal adverts. I personally have short hair, but the idea of being able to toss my head from side to side seems somewhat appealing. If I wore a cape it could perform the function of long hair. And it would only take ten minutes in the tumble dryer.

*Calculations are not available for public consumption.

February 9, 2010
7 Reasons to Replace Chickens With Flamingos

1. Flavour. We’re all familiar with the expression, you are what you eat. This is true; diet informs flavour. The diet of chickens is dull. Chickens are fed corn and grains and the sort of dreary stuff that we use to bulk-up stews and casseroles. Flamingos eat shrimp, which are wonderfully flavoursome, and a substantial portion of their flavour comes from these. Chickens taste dull; flamingos taste of fish, which is much, much better. Also, as you are what you eat, which would you rather be, a chicken or a flamingo?

2. Health. Most flamingos are wild and are, therefore, game. They are free to roam and free to eat natural food. Most chickens are not. Eating flamingos would, consequently, be healthier than eating chickens. It would also provide American hunters with exercise as they stalked their dinner by the lake rather than driving their pick-up trucks to the supermarket. They would also have to camouflage themselves in pink, which would give the rest of us a laugh.

“Billy-Bob, you’s a sissy.”

3. Leg. Everyone wants the chicken leg because it’s firm: this is because the leg is one of the few limbs that the sedentary farmed chicken exercises regularly – as a result of this, it is toned. Flamingos spend most of their lives standing on one leg – they alternate regularly between them. This means that flamingo legs are firmer and nicer than chicken legs. They’re also bigger. This will mean that sharing the leg becomes a possibility, saving mealtime arguments. Or it will mean that you get a bigger leg, it depends how mean-spirited you are.

4. Milk. You can’t milk a chicken. You can, however, milk a flamingo. We all know that the aisles of Waitrose are choc-full of people shopping for organic, Bermuda grass-fed, hand-reared, free-range Angora goat’s milk. Imagine how much they’ll want the new fad – flamingo milk. Waitrose shoppers will be buying so much flamingo milk that they’ll probably have to fold the seats down in their Audi estates to transport it home. They may even have to buy a second Smeg fridge to put it all in.

5. Farming. Eventually, of course, the new niche popularity of the flamingo will lead to a mass-market demand for it. This will cause flamingos to become the exotic farmers livestock of choice. These people are usually found experimenting with farming ostriches, which will be replaced by the new glamorous avian farming fashion – the flamingo. This is great, as I’m – justifiably – terrified of ostriches, with their cruel, murdererous eyes, their sharp, oversized talons and their menacing, powerful beaks. I have no fear of flamingos. They are pink.

6. Colour. There are few sites in the British countryside more breath-taking than vast swathes of bright yellow rapeseed in full bloom. With the new flamingo farms, it will be possible to stumble across fields full of pink clusters of gangly birds – all year round. This will brighten up the landscape no end, especially at sunset. Countryside campsites will become countryside camp sites where you’ll be able to enjoy the countryside camp sight of intense pink colours in tents (pink coloured).

7. Feathers. The best feathers for stuffing pillows are goose and duck feathers. Chicken feathers aren’t very good so they’re usually ground down and used in textiles and plastics. Flamingos – like geese and ducks – are water-birds so, presumably, their feathers also make good stuffing for pillows. Their colourful down would enliven pillow-fights no end. The abundance of pink feathers would make feather boas cheaper and more commonplace which may lead to a boom in the burlesque industry. Sadly, it would also lead to an increase in gaudy hen nights. You don’t have too much to fear from the greater incidence of gaggles of lascivious, portly, bingo-wing-sporting harridans drunkenly cruising your local high street draped in pink feather boas though, because with your new healthier diet of flamingo, you’ll be fitter and able to run away that much faster.

February 8, 2010