Category: Posts

7 Reasons To Walk Backwards

1. Improved Awareness Of The Spacial Kind. When you are walking forwards, you generally don’t think about what is behind you. In fact, I would go so far as to say you are only thinking about what’s in front of you. And maybe that dog to your left. Walk backwards though and not only are you aware of what is in front of you – which is actually behind you – but you are also thinking about what is behind you. Which is actually in front of you.

2. Improved Moves On The Floor Of Dance. The only reason people don’t like dancing is because they are too self-conscious. And they are self-conscious because they are rubbish. So rubbish that they make Rick Astley look like Wayne Sleep. I am one of these people. I do make Astley look like Sleep. Sorry about that. However, I have always thought that – if push came to shove – I’d be able to do that walking backwards move Michael Jackson did. Or the moonwalk as he labelled it. Turns out I can’t. With lots of walking backwards I can only improve though.

3. Improved Chances Of Burning That Fat. Let’s be honest, if you can’t see where you are going you are more likely to walk off in the wrong direction. More walking = less fat.

4. Improved Chances Of Getting To Your Destination Without Moaning. The problem with walking forwards is that you can see your destination. This is usually bloody miles away. Even if it’s the local pub. You can never get there quick enough. It saps all motivation and you are in a bad mood for the rest of the walk. Spin on your heels and walk backwards though and suddenly there is no reason to get in a bad mood. Instead you can concentrate on the local plant life. Or chavs as they are more commonly known.

5. Improved Chances Of Rekindling Your Youth By Playing Bumper Cars* Again. If you walk backwards you will be able to see those who want to try and overtake you. Folding your arms and jinking from side-to-side on the pavement may just convince your nemesis to do the same. Suddenly you are embroiled in the best game of Bumper Cars ever. Even better than when you drove so hard into Ben Watford that he flew backwards and fell over the wall.**

6. Improved Facial Expression Comprehension. I like holding hands (probably because the BBC told me I’m a male lesbian). Generally this is the hand of someone else as opposed to my own. To be precise it’s the hand of the real genius behind most of my posts. (No, not Marc’s). The real genius occasionally lends her hand to me if I’ve been good. The problem is that holding someone else’s hand involves walking side-by-side. This is not the most practical position in which to hold a conversation. Unless you both turn to face each other you can’t see their expressions or indeed where they are looking. As a result she can’t tell if he’s being sarcastic and he can’t tell if she’s talking to him or that horse again. If he walks backwards then they can look at each other. And live happily ever after. Or until she pushes him into the road. Whichever comes first really.

7. Improved Chances Of Reducing Carbon Monoxide. Walking over a zebra crossing backwards – and then spinning on your heels halfway before heading back in the same direction – has to be the quickest way to cause road rage. And thus the removal of licenses.**

*I’m not actually sure how well known Bumper Cars is. Basically, all you do is run around the playground with your arms folded and…erm…bump into people. I don’t do this anymore. I have been banned from the playground.

**That may have just been me. And he was a bully. So it’s okay.

*** Don’t try this at home. (It won’t work. Try the road).

April 29, 2010
7 Reasons The Birthday Tea Could Have Gone Better

1. The Present. Make sure you give it to your girlfriend before she goes to work. Otherwise you will spend all day worrying about whether she will like it or not. In this state of anxiety you may forget the more important things. Like taking your wallet to Sainsburys with you.

2. Balloons. These should not be blown up near cacti. Not only will it give you heart palpitations, you will also feel a massive prick.

3. Banners. It really helps if you notice before you get to the till that you have picked up a ‘Congratulations Birthday Boy!’ banner instead of, for example, a ‘Happy Birthday Girlfriend’ one.

4. Birthday Cake. No matter how sturdy the box looks, the cake really, really should not be placed at the bottom of your shopping bag. At an angle. Unless you want to lose the walnut topping that is.

5. Cocktail Sticks. There really is no point in buying them if you forget to buy something to put on them. And no, mini Gingerbread Men are not an adequate substitute for mini sausages.

6. Sandwiches. Generally, cucumber and cream-cheese sandwiches taste like they should when they have cucumber in them. Otherwise they just taste like cream-cheese sandwiches. It seems pretty obvious, but you’ll be amazed at the number of people who forget.

7. The Gingerbread Men. Don’t open them and have a couple at lunchtime just because you are hungry. It makes it look like you have decided to buy party food because you want to eat it and not because you think it will make your girlfriend smile.

*None of these are from personal experience. Or at least not all of them.

April 27, 2010
7 Reasons That The Pope SHOULD Sing With The Queen.

As you’re probably aware, a recent Foreign Office brainstorming session came up with a number of ideas for the upcoming papal visit. These included suggestions that the Pope: open an abortion clinic; release a range of branded condoms; bless a gay marriage; spend the night in a council flat in Bradford, and duet with the Queen. We thought about it for a bit, and decided that the Pope duetting with the Queen would be brilliant. In fact, we’d like to take the Foreign Office idea further and suggest that they put on a regal/papal concert for us during the visit. That would surely go a long way to helping Anglo-Vato(?) (Anglo-Popo?) relations. Anyway, here are 7 Reasons that the Pope should sing with the Queen.

1. Restate existing views (in song). Bohemian Rhapsody would be perfect for the concert; after all, it’s already a Queen song. The Queen can sing the main vocal and the Pope can be the chorus of scary inquisitors (this shouldn’t be too much of a stretch for him, as he disagreed with the apology to Galileo that Pope John-Paul II made almost 400 years after the event). Singing Bohemian Rhapsody would allow him to restate his position on the Inquisition in a light-hearted way which wouldn’t make him seem wholly un-loveable. Or perhaps it would. We suppose that depends on whether you see the Inquisition as a good or a bad thing. Hmmm.

2. Apology. The F.O. document also stated that the Pope should apologise for the Spanish Armada. We don’t know why he should apologise, but we haven’t had one from anyone yet, so why not? A rendition of Rod Stewart’s Sailing, with slightly altered lyrics, would tell the story of the Armada and would enable the Pope to apologise to the current Queen Elizabeth (how appropriate). Obviously Nick Drake’s dead, but Francis Rossi could probably earn himself a knighthood by accompanying the pontiff on guitar. We imagine the Pope’s verse would go like this:

I am sorry, I am sorry,

For the Spaniards, from the sea.

I am sorry, I’m so sorry,

I’ll denounce bullfights, immediately.

3. The Church of England. We’re pretty sure that we blotted our copybook a bit with the English Reformation, so it’s important to reassure the Pope that we’re not a godless nation. The Queen will do this during the concert by singing, as a hymn to God, a specially adapted Olivia Newton-John song re-titled Popelessly Devoted To You.

4. Levity. Obviously, the regal/papal concert won’t all be gloom and diplomacy and the Queen will provide some light-relief by putting on her best Dick Van Dyke accent and singing this song about Vatican life from the musical, Mary Poppins:

Chim chiminey,

Chim chiminey,

Chim chim cher-oo.

Your smoke it is white

And your Pope, he is new.

5. Reconciliation. The current hullabaloo about the Foreign Office suggestions for the papal visit can only damage relations (which have never been great) between the British monarchy and the papacy. What better way to reconcile the Queen and the Pope than to have decorated war hero, Prince Phillip, join the Queen and former member of the Hitler Youth, Pope Benedict XVI, in a song? That can only go well.

6. Equality. When our heads of state meet, the Pope will probably feel a little like a poor relation. After all, the Queen (okay, she’s only 245^th on the Sunday Times Rich List) is the head of a country with a long and glorious history, while the Pope’s the head of the Vatican – which is a few buildings in the middle of Rome. So it’s important that the Queen makes the pontiff – and his state (population 800) – feel important. To this end, she will lead the audience in a rousing – though brief – rendition of Land Of Pope And Glory.

7. Scandal. The paedophilia scandal in the US has rocked the Catholic church. The Pope, however, doesn’t seem to be aware of it. During the concert the Pope can attempt to explain his unawareness by singing an updated version of the Jimi Hendrix song, Papal Haze. The Pope and The Queen will also duet on the song Summer Nights, from the musical Grease. They will be backed by choirboys, who will exhort The Pope to “Tell me more, tell me more”, as he sings a new verse about the scandal in the US. Also during the song, they will inquire of The Queen:

Tell me more, tell me more,

Like does he have a car.

Tell me more, tell me more,

Why’s his handbag on fire?

Depending on how well the Pope’s new verses go they might also enquire as to whether his pants are on fire.

We haven’t finalised the set-list for the concert yet, so if there’s a song that you would like to see the Queen and the Pope sing, please let us know via the comments section.

April 26, 2010
7 Reasons To Do Away With Curtains

1. Full Disclosure. All manner of weird and shameful things happen behind curtains: Line dancing; Nazism; geriatric transvestism; the viewing of ITV; this. All of those things are probably occurring on your street right now. If we did away with curtains we’d be forced to behave ourselves, which would be no bad thing.

2. Changing Rooms. Curtains in the changing rooms of clothes shops are a bad idea. It’s an oft quoted statistic that every year four people die in the UK while putting their trousers on. I haven’t died while dressing, but I’ve had a couple of trouser-hopping incidents myself – at home, fortunately. If this hasn’t happened to you, here’s how it works: You’re putting your trousers on, usually you’ve got one leg in, they’re at ankle height and you’re about to put your second leg in when you overbalance and start to fall sideways. Once you start falling sideways with one leg in your trousers, self preservation kicks-in and you instinctively hop in the direction that you are falling, to arrest your fall. But you are so overbalanced – and instinct keeps you hopping – that the only thing that will stop your sideways progress is a solid object (there’s no chance that you can stop by yourself). But curtains are not solid. This means that if a trouser-hopping incident occurred in a changing room, you might find yourself hopping right out of it. Who knows where you could end up? The changing room opposite? The men’s jeans section? Boots? Wherever you ended up, you’d probably feel a bit foolish. Perhaps people would point.

3. It’s Curtains. In films, you often hear the phrase “It’s curtains for you”. This is bad. Curtains = Death. Death = Bad ∴ Bad = Curtains*.

4. The World. In the opening monologue of Shakespeare’s As You Like It, Jaques declares that, “All the world’s a stage…”. If this is true, then according to the Home Office Manual of Safety Requirements in Theatres and Other Places of Public Entertainment (1934), all the world requires a curtain. An enormous curtain would block out the sun and would be prohibitively expensive. Not to mention difficult to wash.

5. The Kitchen. I don’t understand why people have curtains in their kitchens. They appear to be utterly without purpose, like the frosted glass windows in aeroplane toilets or the bins in Scarborough. I wonder if there’s something I’m missing. It’s the wrong room for sex. Are people being more secretive about family recipes than I am? What are they doing in there?**

6. Venetian Blinds. There’s a better technology available for obscuring windows; Venetian blinds. They’re more technologically advanced. They don’t require washing. They block out the light more effectively. Okay, so you can get your head stuck in them but, minor indignities aside, they’re so much better than curtains.

7. The Dream. I used to have a recurring dream when I lived in a shared house. In the dream I would walk downstairs in the morning and open the dining room curtains (the dining room overlooked the enclosed back garden). When I opened the curtains I would see, standing there motionless, staring straight back at me, Pierluigi Collina. Then I would wake up, usually in a cold sweat. I haven’t lived in a house with curtains since. It looked pretty much like this, in case you were wondering.

*Maths = A doddle.

** Do you have kitchen curtains? Do you get up to stuff behind them? Please let us know what you do via the comments section (anonymously if necessary).

April 23, 2010
7 Reasons That We Should Run F1

Formula One motor racing is great. Sometimes though, it’s not quite as good as it could be. We, the 7 Reasons team, have thought of a few improvements. Here are 7 Reasons that we should run F1.

1. Schumacher. The comeback isn’t going well and we know why. Ask yourself this: What looks like Michael Schumacher, sounds like Michael Schumacher and drives like Michael Winner? That’s right, Ralf Schumacher. There’s no way he’s good enough to get into F1 by himself; we think he’s pretending to be Michael. After all, he’s routinely being blown away by his team-mate, Nico Rosberg (who isn’t the best driver in his own family either), so it can only be Ralf. We would ban him.

2. The Godfather. At 7 Reasons, we’re film fans too. So when Luca Di Grassi’s name is mentioned, we always suffix it with the phrase, “…sleeps with the fishes.” We would make this compulsory for commentators.

3. Red Button. The red button is underutilised during F1 races. We have decided that the technology should be improved so that it can be used to filter out the incessant babbling and bleating of people in the same room as you that aren’t watching the Grand Prix. This will mean that you won’t have to hear “This is boring,” “…but Columbo’s on” or “Darling…Darling…Darling…Darling…Darling…Darling…Darling…Darling…Darling…Darling…Darling…you’re not listening.” You will, however, still hear anything relevant or important that they have to say, such as “Would you like anything from the shops?” “We’ve won the lottery,” or “The cat’s on fire.” There will also be a setting on the filter that will enable you to record and share anything particularly memorable such as, (during commentary on Timo Glock’s pit-stop) “O’Glock! What sort of a stupid name is that for a team?”

4. Illusion. The trompe-l’oeil advertising hoardings that are painted on the grass by the circuit are terrifying. On many occasions a car has left the track and we’ve braced ourselves for a horrendous crash – perhaps even gasped and covered our eyes – only to watch the car drive serenely over the painted surface and rejoin the track. They make us look like idiots. They are banned.

5. Court. During the most recent (the Chinese) Grand Prix, Sebastian Vettel and Lewis Hamilton came out of their pit boxes very close together and proceeded to bang wheels trying to gain an advantage in the pit lane; this was highly dangerous for the pit crews working there. Unbelievably, the incident wasn’t even investigated during the race – it was discussed in private later on. This is not acceptable. In the spirit of openness and fairness, we would introduce the Formula One Court (press the red button to see it) in which all racing incidents are thoroughly investigated and all punishments decided before the end of the race. A bewigged judge, with vast motor racing experience and age-imbued-wisdom – Sir Stirling Moss would be our choice – would preside over it. The teams would also have their own barristers:

“I put it to you M’lud, that Mr Vettel did knowingly and wilfully strike the side of Mr Hamilton’s car, recklessly endangering the safety of both drivers and several pit-lane-workers.”

“The Red Bull team refute that, M’lud. We contend that our driver was unaware of Mr Hamilton’s presence, and was proceeding along the pit lane in an orderly manner. If Mr Hamilton had been behind our client there would have been no problem. Look at exhibit B, M’lud: This telemetry data from the McLaren team confirms that their driver’s foot was fully on the throttle. The incident was caused because Mr Hamilton didn’t lift…”

“Lift! Lift!! Lift, you say? I find the defendant guilty. 10 years hard labour.”

6. Something we don’t understand. There’s a phalanx of identically dressed women that turn up to applaud the podium-placed finishers as they walk along a corridor or up the stairs. There is no earthly reason for this. It is weird. We would ban them.

7. Buemi. We all saw the incident in qualifying for the Chinese Grand Prix where both of Sébastien Buemi’s front wheels flew off simultaneously. This was unexpected, spectacular and generated huge amounts of pre-race publicity. We would make this a feature of every qualifying session by introducing Clown Car Lotto. From now on, during qualifying sessions, something that you might expect to happen to a clown’s car will happen to a randomly chosen F1 car. This could be one of a number of things: both of the wheels on one side of the car falling off, a custard pie fired from the steering wheel, balloons inflating from the air intake or marbles spewing from the exhausts. This new feature, though it will be familiar to both clowns and Toyota owners, should enliven qualifying sessions for the rest of the global audience.

April 22, 2010
7 Reasons To Wear Socks With Sandals

1. Keep Your Feet Clean. A fairly obvious one, but assuming you aren’t walking about in your bath, your feet are going to get dirty if not covered by sock fabric. Dirty feet mean dirty sandals. Dirty sandals mean a dirty mind. Not always a good thing.

2. You Want To Be Left Alone. If you need some me time – and by that I don’t mean Jonathan Lee time (although I am flattered) – socks and sandals is the way to go. It’s even better than buying a shed and locking yourself in it. Have you ever seen a woman holding the hand of a man in socks and sandals? Have you ever seen children shout ‘Daddy’ to a man in socks and sandals? Have you ever seen a chugger approach a man in socks and sandals? The answer to all these questions is no. That’s the difference a sock can make.

3. You’re Wearing Speedos. And possibly a handkerchief on your head. If you are wearing Speedos and a handkerchief on your head, the only thing that is going to make people look below your knees are socks with sandals. Unless you are actually wearing Speedos on your head, in which case you should remove one sock and position it elsewhere. Immediately. Which come to think of it is another reason for wearing socks in the first place.

4. They’re Not Your Socks. It is a sad indictment of today’s beach holiday, but people do steal socks. You maybe one of the sad indictments. If you are, then firstly, shame on you. Secondly, let me give you a tip. Putting the socks on – beneath your sandals – and it will make it look like you own them. No one is going to accuse you of sock stealing if you are wearing them. Or going through the wallet you also picked up.

5. Hide Your Feet From Podophobes. Podophobes are people with a fear of feet – and I assume iPods, pea pods, podcasts and anything that comes out from underneath Thunderbird 2. People who have a fear of things usually react in one of two ways. The first is that they run away screaming. The second is that they attack. The problem is you have two feet. One may make the podophobe run away, the other may make them massacre it. Really you want it one way or the other. Hopping is very tiring.

6. Avoid Pedicurists. Pedicurists are those strange people who like holding other people’s feet between their thighs. You can never spot them though. They hide too well. Usually as normal human beings. However, come the summer and they are attracted to uncovered feet like moths to the flame. Go out without your socks and you’ll be defending the state of your feet all day. (And why you thought violet was a good nail polish colour).

7. You Have Reached Old Age. As soon as you get to this age, wearing socks and sandals becomes acceptable. I am not sure what this age is – probably because I haven’t reached it yet – but you’ll know because it’ll arrive at the same time as you feel the need to have the heating on all year round and decide that £2.50 is still enough for your grandchild to buy an Easter Egg.*

*I do love my Grandparents, but seriously. I can’t even buy two Kinder Eggs for that.

April 20, 2010
7 Reasons To Be Self-Employed

1. It’s 00:00 to 23:59, not 9:00 to 17:00. You can choose when you work. If you want to work at 3am on a Sunday morning then that is fine. You answer to no one but yourself. Unless you live with your partner and your computer is in your bedroom. They probably don’t want to hear you bashing one out in the middle of the night. An email I mean.

2. Social Media. To a normal boss in a normal company, the likes of twittering and facebooking are seen as distractions. To the self-employed though, they are vital tools of the trade. All self-employed people have a streak of the entrepreneur about them. They are always on the look out for ideas. Which is why conversation about ‘imaginary friends’ on twitter is classed as research.

3. Sport. A whole lot of sport happens during the day. Cricket, tennis, golf, baseball, The Olympics (all forms), various World Cups and World Championships. That is a heck of a lot of sport you are missing while working for some major conglomerate. Or the Co-Op. Not only do the self-employed watch all this sport, they all use it to their advantage. Watching Stuart Broad knock over Ricky Ponting’s poles doesn’t half motivate you. Okay, it motivates you to keep watching, but when the day’s play is over, then you are pumped to do some work. Or you will be after dinner. And the highlights. Actually, you’ll be ready at the end of the Test. But you will be ready. Just a shame the deadline has passed really.

4. Chores. They can be done at anytime you like. Cleaning the bathroom can be Monday at 10am. Food shopping can be Tuesday at 2pm. Having your haircut can be Wednesday at 11am. And if you are really lucky you’ll get the OAP rate.

5. The IT Department. Everyone in IT is a muppet. It’s official. They think you should know what SMPT means and how to locate the back-gate entrance for Microsoft Outlook. No one knows that stuff. I don’t even think there is a back-gate entrance for Microsoft Outlook. I think he was trying to make himself sound clever. The thing about working for yourself is that if something goes wrong you don’t have to phone someone up to ask them how to fix it. You can press reset and blow all the dust away from the back of the PC. And more times than not it works. Within minutes you are flying through the front door of Microsoft Outlook. In your face Sam in IT.

6. Tea-bags. You don’t have to share them and no one is going to steal them. They are yours. You can also have the brand and flavour you want. None of this value stuff, you can have proper tea from a proper tea plantation. Imported directly to you if you like. I get mine from Sainsburys.

7. Your Fee. It can be what you want it to be. If you want to charge £300 an hour, you can. You won’t get much work unless you are Pete Doherty’s solicitor, but that’s irrelevant. You can go around saying, ‘I charge £300 an hour’. Though when you end up working in the local pub you should probably stop. It makes you sound like a prat.

April 19, 2010
7 Reasons You Shouldn’t Display Too Much Cleavage

At 7 Reasons, we’re not experts on everything we write about. Today, however, is an exception. Who better to write about cleavage than a man? After all, we think about breasts a lot. This can only go well.

1. Temperature. Women are often at the wrong temperature. They’re usually either too hot or too cold. Chivalry isn’t dead, however, and if a man sees a woman that looks chilly, he’ll say something like, “You look cold. Would you like to wear my jumper?” If you’re displaying too much cleavage though, a man might realise that you’re cold when your overexposed décolletage comes out in goose-pimples. This is bad. When you deny being cold (you always do), what is he to do? Point out the evidence? I’m not an expert on tact, but I can’t help thinking that, “You are cold, there are goose-pimples on your breasts” would be an unwise statement to make, and may well cause drink-throwage.

2. Distraction. Often women that display too much cleavage do so because they feel that it will distract attention from other features that they are less proud of. This does not work. Men, though easily distracted by breasts, will not fail to notice if you have a big bottom. Not that you do, obviously. It’s probably twice as big in your mind as it is in actuality. This does not mean that I think you have a big head, by the way.

3. The Human Race May Die Out. Too much cleavage can ruin your love life. To illustrate this, we’re going to go on a date. Well, two dates. Both first dates. We’re going out for dinner. I haven’t been on a date since years began with the number one, but I’m pretty sure I remember how. If you’re not a woman, you will need to imagine that you are one for this. Try to imagine that you’re one without hairy arms.

Date 1

You arrive at the restaurant. I’m already there, seated at a table (at least I can be punctual in my own head). You remove your coat. You are wearing a top which displays a moderate amount of cleavage. Having removed your coat, you glance upward and see me at the table, we make eye contact, I smile and give you a subtle wave of greeting. You walk over to the table, I stand up, you had forgotten how tall I am – no matter – we embrace and I kiss you on the cheek. Seated now, we make light and pleasurable conversation. You’re having a good time in my company. You think I’m very funny and the conversation flows freely. You laugh a lot. You love my expressive eyes. You like that I smile so easily. You can tell that I’m really listening to what you’re saying. I’m thinking about your breasts (I can multi-task too).

We order the food. For starters we order tiramisu, followed by a main course of tiramisu and a dessert of tiramisu (it’s an imaginary date, I like tiramisu. Don’t worry, it won’t go straight to your imaginary thighs). We hand our menus back to the waiter. You’re certain that you’re falling in love with me. You believe that I’m a hopeless romantic. You wonder if I style my hair with clay or wax.

The evening ends well. Taking your hand in mine, I walk you back to the gate of your lighthouse (I like girls with lighthouses). We enjoy a long, languorous kiss and say goodnight (this is a first date, remember). You turn away. You are besotted. I stare at your bottom as you walk up the garden path.

Date 2

You arrive at the restaurant. I’m already there, seated at a table (that’s twice I’ve been on time for something now. Hurrah!). You remove your coat. You are wearing a top which displays an immoderate amount of cleavage. Having removed your coat, you glance upward and see me at the table. I stare at your chest. I forget to smile and fail to give you a subtle wave of greeting. You walk over to the table, I stand up, you had forgotten how tall I am – oops – we embrace and I gaze down your top. Seated now, I realise that I’m staring at your breasts. I become flustered. I resolve not to look directly at them, to maintain eye-contact with you at all costs, but they’re there, staring back at me. They are the elephants in the room; lustrous, shapely, lovely elephants. I can’t stop thinking about them. I don’t want to, but it’s hard not to look at them. I redden. I develop a stammer you never noticed before. I begin to sweat profusely. I’m certain that you must know I’m thinking about them. We make terse and fragmented conversation. You’re not having a good time in my company. You wonder if I’m having a funny-turn. My perspiration flows freely. You don’t laugh at my jokes. You hate my bulgy, anxious eyes. You hate that I smile so sleazily. You can tell that I’m not really listening to what you’re saying. I’m trying to think about something – anything – other than your breasts (it turns out I can’t multi-task).

We order the food. For starters we order tiramisu, followed by a main course of tiramisu and a dessert of tiramisu (it’s a nightmare date, he’s clearly insane, what’s with all the tiramisu? Just look at his mad, staring eyes!). You hand your menu back to the waiter. I keep mine to shield my eyes from your chest. You’re certain that you’re a bit afraid of me. You believe that I’m a hopeless neurotic. You wonder if I murder with a knife or an axe.

The evening ends badly. You go to the toilet and call a friend. You arrange for her to ring you back five minutes later. You answer the phone back at the table. You tell me there’s an emergency at your lighthouse, you have to rush away. We endure a brief, clammy handshake and say goodbye. You turn away. You are relieved. I stare at your bottom as you walk out of my life forever.

4. Engineering. When Howard Hughes developed the under-wired bra for Jane Russell to best display her assets in The Outlaw he did something wonderful. But take note, the bit at the bottom is called under-wire. It shouldn’t be visible. If a man can see any part of the structural element of the bra, his thoughts will turn to engineering and you may find yourself involved in a conversation about the load-bearing capacity of flying buttresses or the hyperbolic cosine of the catenary or some-such nonsense.

5. Indecent Exposure. I realised that I needed to illustrate just how much cleavage is too much, but I had a problem. I’m a man. I have no breasts. I was alone in the house except for the cat (a brief examination revealed that he too, has no breasts). I required a woman for the purpose of demonstration. I couldn’t draw one, I’m hopeless at that, but I had an idea. I decided to do what no man left alone in the house has ever done before; I searched Google Images for breasts. After some time (approximately nine hours) I still hadn’t found the image that I was looking for – in fact, I’d totally forgotten why I was looking – and had to abandon the search. The cat was hungry, and I went down to the kitchen to feed him. It was there that I realised that I could illustrate my point using props. My Lords, Ladies and Gentlemen, without further ado, 7 Reasons.org are proud to present:

The 7 Reasons Pictorial Guide To The Correct Amount Of Cleavage (Using Two Bottles Of Sparkling Water And A Tea Towel).

There, I hope that’s clear. If you bear this guide in mind when dressing, you won’t go too far wrong in most countries. In summary: If people can see any part of your bottle tops – or the plastic ring beneath – you’re showing too much cleavage and it could cause offence. This does not apply to anyone engaged in the act of breast-feeding; those women are giving food to children for fucks sake – Daily Mail readers take note.

6. Men. If you are a man, you shouldn’t even have cleavage, let alone display it. Go to the gym!

7. Because of a lack of preparation. Men are generally taller than women. The average height of a man in the UK is 5’10”, while the average height of a woman is 5’4”. Also, eyes are higher up than breasts. This means, while dressing, a woman needs to be aware that half of the population’s view of her cleavage will be from at least eighteen inches above it. It’s not enough just to look in the mirror to check whether you’re displaying too much. You need to look in the mirror while standing on a chair.

April 16, 2010
7 Reasons You Should Build A Castle

1. The Portcullis. So much better than shutting the door on an annoying visitor. A portcullis will make sure they definitely do not come back. Providing you get the timing exactly right that is. If you don’t, they may come back with an arm hanging off.

2. The Moat. A morning swim is a popular pursuit. It gets people ready for the day and keeps them fit. Unfortunately, most people don’t get the full benefit of the exercise because whilst doing laps in the local pool they cut corners. You can’t cut corners in a moat. If you try to, you’ll smash your head open. Very few people think this is a good idea. Hopefully you are not one of them. A few laps of your castle moat in the morning and you’ll be ready to take on the world. Wet, knackered and covered in piranha bites. Sorted.

3. The Keep. I don’t know about you, but I seem to have a lot of stuff. And most of the time I don’t know where to keep it. I rather suspect a Keep will do the job nicely.

4. End The Norman Monopoly. The Normans built most of our castles apparently. I am not sure who The Normans were – I imagine a cross between The Nolan Sisters and The Osmonds – but whoever they were, they have monopolised the trade. You can’t move for Norman castles in this country. Other people need to start building castles to bring down this evil empire. People called Jonathan or Marc or Mark. Whatever your name is, go and build a castle. Unless it’s Norman. In which case run. Run very fast.

5. Earn While You Live. The great thing about castles is that they are tourist attractions. They attract millions of visitors every year. And – providing they don’t know a back entrance into the grounds – they’ll have to pay for the privilege. What better way to earn a bit of extra money when you are out at work? And just in case you are worried about people stealing stuff, don’t be. Just put a nice looking rope in front of your dining table and a sign saying ‘Do Not Touch’. You’ll be amazed how effective it is.

6. Cleaning Bills. Proper castles didn’t have carpets. Or curtains. Or windows. Probably because the cleaning bill would have been extortionate. Do the same and all the money that you have saved can be put towards a new bailey. Or a trebuchet.

7. I’m The King Of The Castle, You’re A Dirty Rascal. For the first time in history, a nursery rhyme will actually have meaning. You used to have to stand on top of the climbing frame to say this little cracker, now you can stand atop a turret and shout it down to whoever walks along your drawbridge. Until you get the postman you want that is.

April 15, 2010
7 Reasons You Shouldn’t Play FarmVille

If you use the social networking site Facebook, you’ll doubtless be familiar with FarmVille, the most successful Facebook game there is. Here are seven reasons that you shouldn’t play it.

1. Imagination. When you’re playing FarmVille, you’re pretending that you’re a farmer. Farming is not exciting. It’s essentially portly, ruddy-faced people and mud, or portly, ruddy-faced people and blood, depending on which type of farming it is. If you’re going to pretend to be something, pretend to be something interesting; a pirate, an astronaut, a mermaid, a flying horse, a rock star, an oculus, an aardvark, a many-headed warrior-beast, the Archbishop of Canterbury…anything, it’s all better than pretending you’re a farmer.

2. Spam. Your friends want to log onto Facebook without being inundated with updates on the progress of your pretend farm. Tell us about something that does exist instead. How are your children? How is your husband? How is your pet? Step away from the “farm” for a moment and check that they’re all still there and in good health, then tell us about it. Perform a head-count if you need to.

3. Reality. Instead of pretending to grow vegetables on your computer, why don’t you actually grow some vegetables? It’s not difficult. All you need are some seeds and some mud. Just weed and water them occasionally (this takes less time than tending your suppositious crops) and eventually you’ll be able to pull them up and eat them. You can’t eat your computer can you? No, no matter how much the rest of us wish you would.

4. It’s not sociable. My Facebook friends that play FarmVille assist each other on their imaginary farms that don’t exist. I know this from my news feed. Yet these people don’t come and help out in my garden, which is real. I grow real things there (badly). If you came to help me grow my real plants, I’d share them with you and ply you with beer. This is how people really interact and bond. When FarmVille tells the world, via Facebook, that “David helped Rachel harvest her plums”, you haven’t really interacted with each other – unless it’s a euphemism, in which case, well done David, I never knew you had it in you.

5. Swastika. Okay, I’m not going to pretend that I don’t find it funny, but it obviously took a lot of time and effort to grow your swastika. That’s time you could have spent being a real Nazi, goose-stepping about in a fetching uniform, annexing the Sudetenland and shouting things in German…or not, no, that’s a bad idea. You could surely have done something better with that time though: Read a book; go for a walk; climb a mountain – no – climb every mountain; ford every stream; follow every rainbow; till you find your dream. Or perhaps do something unrelated to The Sound of Music, your choice.

6. Grow up. This may come as a blow to some of the 7 Reasons team, but it’s not socially acceptable to have an imaginary friend after the age of nine. So why is it deemed acceptable to have an imaginary farm? A farm is bigger than a friend – unless your friend is American – so surely it’s a bigger no-no?

7. AAAAAAAARRRRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH! It’s come to this: I’m actually writing about real people growing imaginary plants and tending non-existent animals on their pretend farms which only exist in cyberspace, and you’re reading what I’ve written about actual people cultivating fabricated crops and make-believe livestock on fictitious farms which aren’t real. What has become of us? Death to FarmVille! Stupid bloody fucking FarmVille.

April 14, 2010