7 Reasons

Author: 7 Reasons

  • 7 Reasons to Replace Chickens With Flamingos

    7 Reasons to Replace Chickens With Flamingos

    1.  Flavour.  We’re all familiar with the expression, you are what you eat.  This is true; diet informs flavour.  The diet of chickens is dull.  Chickens are fed corn and grains and the sort of dreary stuff that we use to bulk-up stews and casseroles.  Flamingos eat shrimp, which are wonderfully flavoursome, and a substantial portion of their flavour comes from these.  Chickens taste dull; flamingos taste of fish, which is much, much better.  Also, as you are what you eat, which would you rather be, a chicken or a flamingo?

    2.  Health.  Most flamingos are wild and are, therefore, game.  They are free to roam and free to eat natural food.  Most chickens are not.  Eating flamingos would, consequently, be healthier than eating chickens.  It would also provide American hunters with exercise as they stalked their dinner by the lake rather than driving their pick-up trucks to the supermarket.  They would also have to camouflage themselves in pink, which would give the rest of us a laugh.

    “Billy-Bob, you’s a sissy.”

    3.  Leg.  Everyone wants the chicken leg because it’s firm:  this is because the leg is one of the few limbs that the sedentary farmed chicken exercises regularly – as a result of this, it is toned.  Flamingos spend most of their lives standing on one leg – they alternate regularly between them.  This means that flamingo legs are firmer and nicer than chicken legs.  They’re also bigger.  This will mean that sharing the leg becomes a possibility, saving mealtime arguments.  Or it will mean that you get a bigger leg, it depends how mean-spirited you are.

    4.  Milk.  You can’t milk a chicken.  You can, however, milk a flamingo.  We all know that the aisles of Waitrose are choc-full of people shopping for organic, Bermuda grass-fed, hand-reared, free-range Angora goat’s milk.  Imagine how much they’ll want the new fad  – flamingo milk.  Waitrose shoppers will be buying so much flamingo milk that they’ll probably have to fold the seats down in their Audi estates to transport it home.  They may even have to buy a second Smeg fridge to put it all in.

    5.  Farming.  Eventually, of course, the new niche popularity of the flamingo will lead to a mass-market demand for it.  This will cause flamingos to become the exotic farmers livestock of choice.  These people are usually found experimenting with farming ostriches, which will be replaced by the new glamorous avian farming fashion – the flamingo.  This is great, as I’m – justifiably – terrified of ostriches, with their cruel, murdererous eyes, their sharp, oversized talons and their menacing, powerful beaks.  I have no fear of flamingos.  They are pink.

    6.  Colour.  There are few sites in the British countryside more breath-taking than vast swathes of bright yellow rapeseed in full bloom.  With the new flamingo farms, it will be possible to stumble across fields full of pink clusters of gangly birds – all year round.  This will brighten up the landscape no end, especially at sunset.  Countryside campsites will become countryside camp sites where you’ll be able to enjoy the countryside camp sight of intense pink colours in tents (pink coloured).

    7.  Feathers.  The best feathers for stuffing pillows are goose and duck feathers.  Chicken feathers aren’t very good so they’re usually ground down and used in textiles and plastics.  Flamingos – like geese and ducks – are water-birds so, presumably, their feathers also make good stuffing for pillows.  Their colourful down would enliven pillow-fights no end.  The abundance of pink feathers would make feather boas cheaper and more commonplace which may lead to a boom in the burlesque industry.  Sadly, it would also lead to an increase in gaudy hen nights.  You don’t have too much to fear from the greater incidence of gaggles of lascivious, portly, bingo-wing-sporting harridans drunkenly cruising your local high street draped in pink feather boas though, because with your new healthier diet of flamingo, you’ll be fitter and able to run away that much faster.

  • Russian Roulette Sunday: 7 Reasons We Were Wrong

    Russian Roulette Sunday: 7 Reasons We Were Wrong

    The good thing about 7 Reasons – or should that be one of the good things? – is that it never gets bogged down in fact. Ninety-nine percent of the time, ninety-nine percent of all our reasons are nothing more than opinion. Which is great, because it means you get the chance to disagree with us. Or at least it would if our opinions weren’t so well thought out and presented. However, just occassionally we do get proved wrong. And when I say we, I mean me. I’m Jon. Here are 7 Reasons I got wrong. And 7 Reasons they were wrong. Which common sense would suggest means you have 14 Reasons to read. You don’t. You have seven. Twice.

    1. 7 Reasons To Become An Artist
    Reason Put Forward: It’s A Con. You can do anything and call it art. Take Tracey Emin for instance. No, actually don’t bother. No one is quite sure where she has been. Instead take a look above. That’s Emin’s artwork. My Bed it’s called. The Saatchi Gallery describe it thus, ‘Tracey Emin shows us her own bed, in all its embarrassing glory. Empty booze bottles, fag butts, stained sheets, worn panties: the bloody aftermath of a nervous breakdown. By presenting her bed as art, Tracey Emin shares her most personal space, revealing she’s as insecure and imperfect as the rest of the world’. This is how Jonathan Lee describes it, ‘Bollocks‘.
    Reason I Was Wrong: People are making a mint out of forging Tracey Emin’s work.

    2. 7 Reasons To Write A Song About Rain
    Reason Put Forward: Grace Kelly – Singing In The Rain. Standing in the rain and having a sing-song is quite frankly a stupid thing to do. You’ll get wet and cold and the sound of the rain hitting the ground will drown out your harmonies. But if you are a songwriter then you have free license to try and brainwash people.
    Reason I Was Wrong: The reason is perfectly acceptable. Suggesting Grace Kelly sang it, is not. It’s Gene Kelly. Always was. Always will be.

    3. 7 Reasons The Tiger Woods Story Is Annoying Me
    Reason Put Forward: It’s Not Happening. If the allegations are true, a few people will be outraged. But that’s it. No one is going to make an example out of him. Tiger is too big a star to be dropped by those who sponsor him. Not even Nike. Nike need Tiger more than he needs them. This is the world we live in. I don’t care whether you like it or not. It’s a fact. Nothing is going to change so get over it. Stop wasting your time by drawing up pointless petitions asking Nike to drop him. It. Will. Not. Happen.
    Reason I Was Wrong: Pretty much everyone was outraged. Pretty much everyone dropped him. As getting things wrong go, this is one of my finer efforts.

    4. 7 Reasons To Fly With British Airways This Christmas
    Reason Put Forward: Sir Richard Branson. He never flies with BA.
    Reason I Was Wrong: He has. A few times. According to Chris Evans’ autobiography, Sir Richard Branson was so keen to get Evans to sign for Virgin Radio that he joined Evans on a flight to New York – on Concorde – just to try and get his signature. And in 2008 Branson flew to China as part of a British Government delegation on BA744.

    5. 7 Reasons Buying A Christmas Card Is Infuriating
    Reason Put Forward: Brothers. Why is it you can no longer buy a ‘Merry Christmas Brother’ card? It’s always ‘Bro’ or ‘Bruv’ or ‘Brother and Wife’ or ‘Brother and Girlfriend’ and new for this year ‘Brother and Boyfriend’. My brother is not gay. He has not got a wife. I am not sending him a text in which I may shorten to Bro. And he is not in some downtown hood where everyone goes around punching fists and calling each other ‘Bruv’. He is just my brother. I want a card that says that. Is that too much to ask?
    Reason I Was Wrong: I found one. It said, ‘Merry Christmas Brother’. All I had to do was look a bit harder.

    6. 7 Reasons To Love A Cardigan
    Reason Put Forward: The Dog. No one is going to tell me that the Cardigan Welsh Corgi was not made for riding.
    Reason I Was Wrong: In the words of the guy in Clevedon at Christmas, “Get off my f***ing dog! It’s not a horse!”

    7. 7 Reasons 2010 Will Be Great
    Reason Put Forward: The Winter Olympics. We’re only a few months away from Vancouver 2010 and what an Olympics it is going to be. Great Britain have their most successful games ever after clinching Gold medals in both the male and female snowball fighting events. Unfortunately they lose out to Canada in the final of the gritting competition, but the then Prime Minister Gordon Brown still hails the achievement as “remarkable” and “a terrific reflection of what global warming can do for our country”.
    Reason I Was Wrong: Not only are gritting and snowball fighting not included in this years Olympics, but the British Ski and Snowsport Federation is going into administration.

  • Guest Post: 7 Reasons to Watch the Six Nations

    Guest Post: 7 Reasons to Watch the Six Nations

    If you get your news from 7 Reasons, you’ll be delighted to learn that the Six Nations starts today.  We have decided to celebrate this with a guest post.

    Our guest post comes from Rachel Simmonite, a 21 year old BA Hons Media and Communication (Journalism) student at Birmingham City University.  When she’s not busy gracing Twitter with her wit, wisdom, and frankly astonishing knowledge of club rugby, she can be found writing here.

    1.  Birthday.  This year, the Six Nations celebrates its tenth birthday.  Of course, the tournament has been going on forever – in various guises of the Home International Championship and the Five Nations – but this year is the tenth year since the Italians joined the party; with their light blue kit, dodgy hair and sideburns, and their habit of beating Scotland every other year or so, Italy – despite being the whipping boys of the tournament – have always provided good competition.  And they have the best national anthem.

    2. Rivalries.  Talking to an Irish or Welsh friend during this tournament means you get a lot more abuse than normal.  National pride and traditional rivalries are all the rage during the Six Nations.  Being English, and therefore supporting the red roses through thick and thin while thinking back to the good old days of 2003, you get it in the neck more than anyone else, as every side wants to beat you more than anything.  The Celtic teams (Ireland, Wales and Scotland) need to beat you for bragging rights – I haven’t been able to face my Welsh friends for the past two years – and to try and get the Triple Crown or, in the case of Scotland, the Calcutta Cup, while the French and the Italians just like to join in with the English bashing.

    3.  Something for everyone.  Whether you’re after someone nice to look at, or a good game, the Six Nations provides both.  The annual desire to beat your local rivals for northern hemisphere dominance brings out the best of the teams, both in the forwards, and the backs.  With the return of the rolling maul to the game – following last year’s ELVs* – the forwards can add that extra string to their bow again, enabling loads of fans (either in the pub or at the ground) to go “HEAVE” whenever it happens.  As for the backs; as long as they’re running with the ball, it doesn’t affect the precise alignment of their gelled hair, and they’re stealing the headlines, they’ll be having fun.

    Rugby isn’t just about the game now, it’s about the totty.  Following calendars such as Le Dieux de Stade, the word “moisturiser” has become commonly used in rugby changing rooms, as has the phrase “fake tan” – particularly if you’re Welsh.  If I was feeling shallow then my 7 reasons to watch the Six Nations would be very short: Jonny Wilkinson, Tom Croft, Leigh Halfpenny, Hugo Southwell, Brian O’Driscoll, Yannick Jauzion and Sergio Parisse.  Of course there are more than seven good looking players in this year’s tournament, that selection are just my favourites.

    4.  Anyone can win it.  The beauty of the Six Nations is that you never know who is going to win the tournament; there’s no runaway winner or clear favourite.  I mean, nobody would have thought that Wales would win the Grand Slam in 2005.  Likewise, we didn’t expect Italy to come fourth in 2007 – the year when France beat Ireland with a +4 points difference – but that was all that separated them.  Of course, with Ireland having won the Grand Slam last year (only their second since 1948), they will be labelled as favourites for this year’s tournament.  But on their day, anyone can beat anyone – the Welsh very nearly spoiled the Irish party last year and who knows what the French will come up with, having beaten the World Champions, South Africa, in November?  We do know that the Scots and the Italians will probably be fighting it out for the wooden spoons, but who knows?  And as for England…

    5.  The WAGs.  Becoming a rugby WAG is increasingly popular – even a member of the royal family, Zara Phillips, is a rugby WAG.  The recent crop started with Gabby Logan and Kirsty Gallacher; the likes of Kelly Brook and Una (from pop group the Saturdays) followed for England, with Duffy and Charlotte Church flying the flag for the Welsh WAGs.  It is inevitable that if a well known rugby WAG is in attendance at a match the television director will give them plenty of screen time.  If not, you’ll be able to see photos of them cheering on their men in the Daily Mail.

    6.  The singing.  You can’t have a rugby match without the singing.  The Welsh, in particular, are very good at the singing – it’s like their second sport after rugby.  With the likes of Katherine Jenkins, Charlotte Church and that blond one off of the X-Factor to sing the national anthem, Delilah, and Bread of Heaven, they do their singing brilliantly.  England have adopted a song that comes with actions, “Swing Low, Sweet Chariot”.  I think you have to go on a rugby tour to learn the actions though.  Ireland spoil the crowd with two anthems before a match while the French and Italian anthems are just great – I love them – like I love the bagpipes in Flower of Scotland.  In fact, I love the anthems more than the bagpipes.

    7.  The romance.  How could you treat your better half on Valentine’s weekend this year?  Card?  Flowers?  Cheesy Marvin Gaye CD?  How about a weekend in Cardiff, Paris or Rome?  Arrive on the Friday night, take them out for a meal, let them do damage to the credit card on the Saturday morning and then – come the Saturday afternoon at about midday (or Sunday in the case of Rome) – announce that you’ve got tickets for the rugby and enquire whether they fancy a romantic afternoon watching thirty men run around a pitch for eighty minutes?

    Of course, if your other half really doesn’t like rugby then you may find yourself in a spot of bother – but it is something that you love…

    *Experimental Law Variations

  • 7 Reasons To Climb A Mountain

    7 Reasons To Climb A Mountain

    1.  Measure It. Nothing excites me more than when the end of year mountain height measurements are released. Is Everest still 8848 metres tall? Is Ben Nevis still the biggest in Britain? So many questions answered in one PDF. Obviously these figures aren’t just made up. Someone has to use a tape measure and a long stick.

    2.  Picnics. Nothing beats a picnic with a spectacular view. Of clouds. I know you can get this type of view atop a grassy hillock, but it is far more exciting trying to eat while simultaneously struggling to breathe.

    3.  Photo Opportunity. Let’s be honest, a facebook profile picture of you standing atop a mountain looks so much more impressive than a self portrait you have done of yourself at home. You know the one I mean. The one that took 30 attempts to get right and then ten minutes of cropping so your outstretched arm isn’t showing.

    4.  Getting Home To Babe. Because there ain’t no mountain. No mountain high enough. No valley low enough. To stop you from getting to baby. So you may as well go and climb one. Babe will be so much more impressed when you tell them that you took a shortcut across the top of Scaffold Pike* to get to the restaurant.

    5.  Eye Of The Tiger. Eye Of The Tiger, Rock. Climbing a mountain is one thing. Running up it is even better. Especially if you are making a movie about a boxer. Or indeed if you are just plain daft.

    6.  You’re Hot. No, not in the Sandra Bullock way. If you are hot in the Sandra Bullock way you can ignore all mountains and just come straight round to mine. You won’t even have to wipe your feet. I mean hot as in temperature hot. In other words you need to cool down. Common sense tells you that it’s much colder up a mountain.

    7.  No Pain, No Gain. There are a couple of ways to get blister repellent feet. One is to chop them off. The other is to build up calluses. You can do this by walking. Barefoot. Up mountains. Yes, it’ll hurt the first few hundred times you do it, but eventually your feet will have Zola Budd written all over them.

    *Yes, I know it’s Scafell Pike. Scaffold Pike is a clever play on words. What with scaffolding being something you climb. Clever, yes.

  • 7 Reasons Bull Durham Is The Greatest Baseball Movie Ever

    7 Reasons Bull Durham Is The Greatest Baseball Movie Ever

     

     

    1.  Women.  Unusually for baseball films, the central character is a woman.  This shouldn’t be unusual – some of the most passionate and knowledgeable sport fans I know are women – but it is.  The use of a female narrator and the fact that the baseball isn’t the only story in the movie – the journey that Susan Sarandon’s character goes on isn’t really about baseball at all – gives it a totally different perspective to other baseball films, making it far more rounded and realistic.   It’s about baseball, but it’s also a romantic comedy.  Would my wife sit through The Pride of the Yankees or Eight Men Out with me?  No.  Would I watch Sleepless In Seattle or You’ve Got Mail with her?  No.  Would we watch Bull Durham together?  Well… no – but only because she’s out shopping at the moment.

    2.  Realism. Despite not being entirely about baseball, Bull Durham has some of the most realistic and interesting scenes of match-play in films.  This shouldn’t be a surprise, since the director spent five years playing in the Minor Leagues.  The tight, close-up shots of Davies batting and Laloosh pitching – with their thoughts providing the voiceover – are far more intimate than anything usually seen during matches in baseball movies.  The rest of the off-field baseball activity is also imbued with a down-to-earth realism.  We learn that you should never punch a man with your pitching hand, and that you’ll never make it to the Major Leagues with fungus on your shower shoes – which is obviously where I went wrong.

    3.  Tim Robbins.  Tim Robbins is in Bull Durham.  Tim Robbins is funny looking.  Tim Robbins is weird.  Tim Robbins is distracting.  Tim Robbins ruins most of the films he is in for those reasons.  To withstand the casting of Tim Robbins, a film has to be very, very good.  High Fidelity, for example, managed to overcome a hugely distracting appearance by him.  In Bull Durham he is still quite distracting (and weird), but he’s good.  It’s a measured performance in which the growth of his character is completely convincing and very well performed.  If your film is good enough to withstand the presence of Tim Robbins, it’s a very good film.  If your film can withstand – and be enhanced – by his presence, it must be a great film.  He’s still weird though.  And funny looking.

    4.  Sex.  You don’t often find sex in baseball films.  This is a shame.  I like sex; I like baseball (and we don’t have much of either in England).  Baseball movies are full of men being men, involved in manly pursuits like sport or drinking beer or more sport.   In Bull Durham though, with strong female characters and a female narrator, there is room for more than just baseball.  This is great, as the film’s other preoccupation is sex.  Not gratuitous, graphic sex, mark you – it’s quite understated.  It’s just that the film has sex, romance and mortality as central themes in addition to the baseball, making it far more rounded and interesting that the usual baseball movie fare.  I could have done without seeing Tim Robbins in a suspender belt though.  That’s something that should be hidden away on the internet.

    5.  Comedy.  Bull Durham is well written, performed and works brilliantly as a whimsical drama based around small-town Minor League baseball.  It would stand alone as a good, solid drama.  But it doesn’t stop there.  This charming film is also full of some wonderfully observed and pithy lines.  When worldly Crash Davis discovers the inexperienced Nuke LaLoosh wearing the aforementioned suspender belt in the locker room he calmly walks up to him, adjusts it and tells him, “The rose goes on the front, big guy”.

    6.  Making poetry interesting.  I hate Walt Whitman.  Some of my hatred for Mr Whitman stems from three years of being forced to endure his wearisome prose at University.  I found him dull in the first place, and my opinion was not helped by having him read to me in lectures or having to read him myself at home.  Bull Durham shows us how to study Walt Whitman: tied up in  Susan Sarandon’s bed*.  I’d have happily spent three years doing that.

    7.  Kevin Costner.  I’ve never really understood the enormous appeal Kevin Costner had in the ‘80s and ‘90s.  I always found him a bit dull.  In Bull Durham he plays Crash Davis, an experienced and underrated Minor League catcher coming to the end of his career.  He seems to be playing Don Johnson playing Sonny Crockett playing Crash Davis, but it works very well.  When he’s not playing ‘ball he’s all moody introspection and Bourbon-swilling charm.  Sadly, he does not live on a boat with an alligator.

    *Susan Sarandon has not replaced Jennifer Aniston in the affections of this website.  We imagine them in complementary roles.

  • 7 Reasons You Should Be Able To Quote Eleanor Roosevelt

    7 Reasons You Should Be Able To Quote Eleanor Roosevelt

    1.  “There are practical little things in housekeeping which no man really understands.” For use when your wife returns home from a bit of shopping, to see that you have tried to do the dusting as she asked, but you have just dusted around all the objects on the mantel piece. She doesn’t think this is a good enough effort.

    2.  “If life were predictable it would cease to be life, and be without flavour.” For use when your friends ask you why you don’t just settle down and get a normal job instead of being the perennial dreamer. A man who longs to catch one hundred buses in one night would fall into this category.

    3.  “I once had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: no good in a bed, but fine up against a wall.” For use when you think that to make a sex joke funny you must include crude and vulgar language or demonstrations.

    4.  “Autobiographies are only useful as the lives you read about and analyse may suggest to you something that you may find useful in your own journey through life.” For use when you are in Waterstones trying to work out what to buy your wife for her birthday. This should be enough to drag you away from anything that has Jordan’s face on it to something like Lance Armstrong’s It’s Not About The Bike: My Journey Back To Life.

    5.  “Friendship with ones self is all important, because without it one cannot be friends with anyone else in the world.” For use whenever someone suggests you may be getting a little narcissistic. Or when you are fourteen and your Mum has just found a photo of Posh Spice under the mat in the bathroom.

    6.  “A woman is like a tea bag – you can’t tell how strong she is until you put her in hot water.” For use when you are the producer of The World’s Strongest Woman.

    7.  “You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, ‘I lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along’.” For use whenever you switch on the TV to find one of the following filling your screen: X-Factor/Britain’s Got Talent/The Persuasionists/America’s Next Top Model/Britain’s Next Top Model/Piers Morgan/Kerry Katona/Katie Price/Harriet Harman.

  • 7 Reasons January’s Premier League Transfer Window Was a Major Disappointment

    7 Reasons January’s Premier League Transfer Window Was a Major Disappointment

    The January transfer window closed yesterday after a month of fevered speculation and very little in the way of big deals.  Here are 7 Reasons that it was a major disappointment.

     

    1.  Where’s Waldo? Despite strong rumours in December, Chilean defender Waldo Ponce was not signed by Wigan in the January transfer window.  I can’t begin to express how disappointing this was.  I wasn’t even consoled by their signing of Moses.  Waldo Ponce…Waldo Ponce!  It would have been amazing.

    2.  Loan moves. It seems that most of the transfers in this January’s window have been loan moves.  That’s not surprising given the current financial state of many of many Premier League clubs, but the redistribution of players who are not deemed good enough to make it into the the first teams at their own clubs to other clubs is hardly exciting.  Also, Robinho left the Premier League on a loan deal, and he was really entertaining me.  Well, off the pitch, anyway.

    Ruud van Nistelrooy visits the set of a popular American television show.

    3.  Ruud van Nistelrooy. A genuine world-class striker, he was linked with just about every major Premier League club this January and hasn’t gone to any of them.  He’s gone to Hamburg where, if he can steer clear of hoof injuries, he should do rather well.  Or if you believe Wikipedia, he’s signed for Gateshead many years into the future.

    Wikipedia

     

    4.  Harry.  The ever-prolific Harry Redknapp has been disappointing during this transfer window – he’s only brought a couple of players in and sent a couple out on loan.  Not only has he been unusually inactive this January, he’s also been below par when dealing with the media.  This is how he announced the signing of Eider Gudjohnsen: “It was his decision to come to us. He said ‘I want to come to Tottenham’.”   Sadly, I could find no Youtube footage of this revealing press conference.

    5.  Campbell. With the arrival of Thomas Vermaelen in the summer Arsenal seemed to have completed their defensive line-up.  And, to most people, it appeared that all they needed to revitalise their team in January was a big, prolific striker and an aggressive defensive midfielder.  So they re-signed lumbering war-horse, Sol Campbell.  Opinion is divided over whether Sol will be a good signing for them.  The argument from most of those in favour of the move seems to be that he was a great player once, so he’ll be fine, despite lacking the pace that most people believe is necessary to play in the Premier League.  I just hope that he can still do this.

    6.  Manchester United. Behind Chelsea in the title race, it was supposed that Fergie would want to improve his squad in January. The most exciting transfer news from Old Trafford last month was Danny Wellbeck going out on loan to Preston North End. Do you remember where you were when you heard that? No, me either.

    7.  Final Day. The activity on the final day of the transfer window is usually frenetic and exciting.  The biggest announcement on the final day of this window was that Robbie Keane had gone to Celtic on loan.  That’s right, a talented and exciting player is leaving the Premier League – for a bit.  That pretty much summed up this January transfer window.  A loan move that does nothing to enrich the quality of the Premier League and not a lot else.  It’s lucky we had John Terry to distract us.

     

     

     

     

     

  • 7 Reasons It Is Stupid To Compare Asterix and Tintin

    7 Reasons It Is Stupid To Compare Asterix and Tintin

    1.  It’s A Moot Point. Comparing Asterix and Tintin is like comparing Superman and Spiderman. Or Batwoman and Catwoman. Each has their own talents and each has their own flaws. And to be honest, no one cares. Not even me. And I’ve spent the last week indulging in the subject.

    2.  Two Brains, One Brain. Asterix was invented by two people – illustrator, Albert Uderzo, and writer, Réne Goscinny – while Tintin was created by just one, Hergé, or to give him his proper name Georges Rémi. To say which is better is a bit like saying who is better when you have the Williams sisters on one side of the net and Andy Murray on the other.

    3.  Different Worlds. Asterix was set in the time of Julius Ceasar. 50BC. That’s quite a long time before Tintin hit the scene in the 20th Century. Think Cleopatra and Louis Theroux.

    4.  Different Styles. As Uderzo, Goscinny and Hergé all agreed in one of their very rare interviews together, the Adventures of Asterix were very much humorous adventures. Tintin’s adventures were the opposite. No, not unfunny jaunts. Just adventures with occasional humour slotted in. So basically it’s like comparing Paul Merton in China with Michael Palin’s Pole to Pole.

    5.  You’ll Be Wrong. Suggesting that Dogmatix is better than Snowy is asking for trouble. Suggesting Captain Haddock is a better name than Anticlimax is also inadvisable. The fact is that people are passionate about the things they love. Which means there is a never a right answer. But there is always a wrong answer.

    6.  Devaluing Greatness. By comparing the two works, you are automatically looking for ways in which you can devalue one or the other. That has to be wrong. They are two of the greatest comic book inventions ever. They deserve nothing but the utmost praise. So well done lads.

    7.  Default. It just is. The only reason I did it was because I needed something to write about. I don’t have a preference one way or the other. Though, if pushed, I would say Asterix. I like funny. Which is something we’ll get back to on Wednesday by the way.

  • Russian Roulette Sunday: The Remainder of the Reason

    Russian Roulette Sunday: The Remainder of the Reason

    We have quite a strict format for our posts at 7 Reasons.  We post every day and hope that people will read us every day; we appreciate that people come to spend their time with us so we try to respect it and not take up too much of it.  This is why we try to write our 7 reasons concisely.

    Sometimes though, this necessary brevity comes into conflict with the writing process.  Once in a while you have an idea and become carried away with it; you start writing and words flow ceaselessly and effortlessly until, having typed for a good while without really being aware of doing so, you snap back to reality and discover you’ve written more words than you can possibly use.

    This was the case last Tuesday.  I wrote about aliens and why we shouldn’t contact them, I went on to suggest that they might conquer Earth and install Richard Bacon as their puppet-leader.  That’s where that particular train of thought ended in 7 Reasons We Shouldn’t Try To Contact Aliens.  That was a result of heavy editing though.  Here, on Russian Roulette Sunday is…(Do the deep movie trailer voice again, you know you want to)

    The Remainder of the Reason.

    …The aliens might not want a global puppet-leader though.  They might understand that Earth’s history abounds with internecine squabbling and conflict.  The aliens might, therefore, want to install puppet-rulers on a nation-by-nation basis.  If that is to be the case then the 7 Reasons team would like to respectfully suggest to our new alien-overlords that they appoint us as Britain’s puppet-leaders.  We feel that we have a good understanding of British culture and history.  We also have the necessary backgrounds and media skills to spin the decrees of our extraterrestrial controllers to the British people.

    We feel certain that the aliens will accept our generous and selfless offer so, people of Britain, here’s how we will set about things.

    Essentially, we imagine that under our government, the British way of life will remain substantially unaltered.  You, our subjects, may begin to notice some minor changes under our rule though.  All motorways will now have a ginger-only lane, for example.  There will be a minimum height requirement for consumption of tiramisu.  Cricket will be compulsory in all British schools, as will spelling.

    We will also be introducing stricter dress codes.  Not only will shopping in nightwear be punishable by death, but so will the wearing of sportswear by people not competing in the pertinent sport at the time of wearing.  The tucking of trousers into socks will be punishable by transportation to Rhyl, as will wearing the wrong coloured top hat at Ascot, gold hoop-earrings, shoes that look like Cornish pasties, jeans so tight that your back oozes over the waistband and wearing jeans and a skirt at the same time, because that looks ridiculous and is, frankly, baffling.

    In television, all so-called “reality-shows” will be banned, except for The Restaurant and The Office.  This will leave ITV substantially empty and the gap in its schedule will be filled with Channel Four’s current output.  Channel Four will revert to its schedule of pre-Big Brother days, which seemed to be targeted exclusively at pipe-smoking war buffs, because we like programmes about the war, they’re bloody lovely.  Jon will be launching a new channel called Jolly Interesting Telly, the running of which will keep him occupied while Marc deals with weightier affairs of state and concocts nefarious and elaborate schemes to grasp the balance of power.

    It is not just in cultural areas of life that you will notice a difference.  We are already negotiating a series of international trade agreements which will benefit our nation.  The country of Greece has an abundant supply of olives, whereas Britain does not.  We have observed that their diet is lacking in soup, which we have copious amounts of.  We will be shipping our soup-surplus to Greece in exchange for olives, a move which will enrich the dietary variety of both nations.  We will also be exchanging the nation’s apple crop for Burgundy’s output of Pinot Noir and we’ll nationalise Cadbury’s and exchange their entire output for sushi, which is healthier and, frankly, nicer.  We will also be exchanging just about anything we can get our hands on for tea…lots of tea.  All of the tea.

    We have also been doing some preparatory work in the field of international diplomacy.  We’re still not happy about the outcome of the Cod War – we thought the Reykjavik Parliament behaved reprehensibly over that and we also don’t believe that the British victims of the Icelandic banking crisis were adequately reimbursed.  Because of this – and also because Jon typed the declaration – we will be going to war with Ireland.

    We don’t expect that our leadership will be universally popular.  The installation of Queen Jennifer the 1st in my spare room may cause some domestic upheaval, for example.  We don’t imagine that the law requiring all public buildings to display a portrait of Jon will be to everyone’s satisfaction either. We will, however, try to rule fairly, even-handedly, openly and sympathetically.  And if you don’t like it we’ll shoot you with our death-ray.  Your leaders,

    Marc and Jon.

  • Guest Post: 7 Reasons Men And Women Shouldn’t Converse (With Each Other)

    Guest Post: 7 Reasons Men And Women Shouldn’t Converse (With Each Other)

    Sitting between us on the 7 Reasons sofa today (and complaining about the crumbs) is Fashion Journalist, Emily Clifford. Emily lives in Sydney and writes for a variety of publications ranging from Glamour and She to The Sydney Morning Herald and The Durban Mercury. Her hobbies include rock-climbing and reading this website. She says G’Day!

    1.  Humour. When women say they like a man who can make them laugh, this is true. When men say they like a woman who can make them laugh, this is false. They just want a woman who will laugh at their jokes.

    2.  Moods. When women say they are fine, this is false. They’re not. And would actually quite like to talk about it. Just not to you. When men say they are fine, this is also false. But it was true until you interrupted them while they were reading Jeremy Clarkson’s column.

    3.  No. When women say no, this is true. They have hundreds of better things to do. Like sleep. When men say no, this is false. Unless the football’s on.

    4.  Travel. When women say they know where they are going, this is true. They have been up all night planning the route. When men say they know where they are going, this is false. They are just going to wing it. Or switch on the sat-nav.

    5.  Decisions. When women say it’s your decision, this is false. The correct suggestion was suggested by her five minutes ago and it should be perfectly obvious. When men say it’s your decision, this is true. They know it can’t come back to haunt them that way.

    6.  Lateness. When women say they have been waiting twenty minutes, this is false. They spent so long doing their make-up and deciding what shoes to wear that they have only been waiting five minutes. When men say they have been waiting five minutes, this is false. They have actually been waiting twenty minutes, but see this as a great opportunity to do something they have read about and be the ‘better man’.

    7.  Dating. When women say they would love to see you again, this is true. When men say they would love to see you again, this is false. They just don’t know how to articulate the words, “This was great, but no thanks”. Bastards.