7 Reasons

Tag: Woggle

  • 7 Reasons A Cravat Is The Way Forward

    7 Reasons A Cravat Is The Way Forward

    With just nine months to go until I become a man, I have been looking at what I shall wear on the day. My cricket whites were voted out in the first round so it looks like I will be going the top hat and tails route. With the cravat. It’s the way forward. Not just for marriages, for all time.

    7 Reasons A Cravat Is The Way Forward
    1.  Sophistication. When you see a man in a cravat, you can tell exactly what sort of man he is. Debonaire, suave, handsome, wealthy, intelligent and affable. You see how easy it can be to fool people.

    2.  Silk. No, not the fabric kind, the Robert Kilroy kind. When he founded the now largely unheard of Veritas Political Party in 2005 he set out his vision using the immortal line, “An end to cravats!”. A rather odd call given that the country was then being led by Blair and Prescott. Hardly two men who were in a rush to don a necktie before breakfast. Anyway, since then Veritas and Kilroy-Silk have done little but go backwards which surely suggests one needs a cravat to go forwards.

    3.  Achievement. The last time I wore something around my neck – apart from a tie and a forearm while playing rugby at Loughborough University – was when I was a cub. And, as I may have said previously on 7 Reasons, I was a bloody good cub. I had badges and woggles and wiggles and dobs and dibs all over my room. I was that good. And really, the only thing that stopped me continuing as a cub, was that I got old. And as soon as I got old I stopped achieving things. Well, badges anyway. Until now I couldn’t work out why. Then I realised. It’s because I am not wearing anything around my neck. If I want badges again, I need to wear a cravat.

    4.  Handkerchief. The difficulty with a tie is that when you wipe your nose on it, the remnants are there for all to see. There’s really no where to hide it. A cravat though is tucked inside the shirt, which means if you wipe carefully with the edge of the material it can easily be hidden from view.

    5.  Present. A cravat is the kind of item that can easily be presented to your father, uncle or grandfather should you forget that it is his birthday. You could hardly whip off your trousers and hand them to him could you? But a cravat, of course you could.

    6.  Unbuttoned Shirt. The problem with a tie – apart from the fact that one in every four features a button that when pressed plays Jingle Bells – is that they are not very practical when it comes to allowing you to breath. It’s not necessarily the tie that has the strangling effect, it’s the shirt. When the top button is done up and the collar closes in around the neck breathing becomes a chore. Either that or the shirt is so big that it makes you look like you’ve been very ill recently. A cravat, though, allows you to keep the shirt unbuttoned. It allows you both to breath and not look ill. And that has to be the way forward. If you want to live.

    7.  In The Club. Despite extensive research I have not been able to find a single Cravat Club or Appreciation Society in the world. I have found the Odd Sock Society, the Anstey Nomads Underwear Supporters (ANUS) and the Cod Piece Collective, but nothing through which you could celebrate the cravat. How can that be? Well the answer is simple. It’s because the cravat hasn’t had its time yet. It’s ahead of its time. To wear a cravat now is to be a trendsetter. You could be like the guy who bought a Betamax player. Or a Sinclair C5. Get ahead now.

  • 7 Reasons You Know He Was A Cub Scout

    7 Reasons You Know He Was A Cub Scout

     

    1.  Good with targets. This harbours back to the days when he was obsessed with achieving. He was obsessed with achieving because in the Cub Scouts you were rewarded heavily. With badges. Anyone who is rewarded with badges at a young age is going to be programmed into thinking they will always be rewarded with badges. So they keep trying. And he probably likes achieving things three times over doesn’t he? That’s because you could get sports badges one, two and three. Not to mention cooking badges one, two and three. And even badge collecting badges one, two and three.

    2.  Good with names. Not only is he good at remembering names he is also amazingly talented when it comes to not laughing at funny names. This is because he often had to use the phrase, ‘Excuse me Akela, Baloo said you would help me with my woggle’. If you are not going to laugh at that you are not going to laugh at anything. (What was it with the Jungle Book names anyway?)

    3.  Good with knots. If his best moves in the bedroom are tying you up to the headboard then you can be assured that not only was he a Cub Scout, but that he also probably achieved the station of Sixer. To be absolutely sure of this ask him to explain what he’s doing. In 98% of cases he’ll explain that a Windsor Knot is the safest kind to tie you down with, it’s strong but easy to undo and is the preferred knot of the Queen. At this point he will rise and salute.

    4.  Good with navigation. He knows where to go. Whether it’s the middle of the night or the middle of the day he’ll be looking skyward and checking out the stars or the sun. Don’t suggest he uses his A-Z instead. That is a typical female thing to say and you are so much better than that. He’ll also be in a bad mood all day as you have just questioned his manhood. Don’t question his manhood either.

    5.  Good outdoors. Whether it is pitching a tent or making a fire, he’ll be good at it. You had to be as a Cub Scout. If you weren’t you died. And as he is alive you can assume he’s only dead on the instead. He doesn’t do emotion you see. Oh, he’s probably also very good at Morris Dancing. As a Cub Scout he was always grabbed by the Morris Dancers on weekend camping trips and made to skip around waving handkerchieves and jangling bells. It makes him sick. So don’t ask him to do it. He is all man.

    6.  Good with his hands. That’s good at cleaning them. And polishing his shoes. He does that with his hands too. And a cloth and brush and polish and stuff. In the Cub Scouts you lost vital points if you had dirty hands and unshiny shoes. He can’t quite remember why the points were so vital, but it probably had something to do with getting a badge for points accumulation. Next time he cleans your hands for you, give him a badge.

    7.  Good with stamps. A bit like when you interrupt him while he is watching England play rugby by asking bloody stupid questions like, “Ooh this looks a bit rough. Why did that man just grab that man and throw him to the ground?”, he’ll interrupt you while you’re writing a letter and tell you that the Penny Black is the oldest adhesive stamp and was issued on 1st May, 1840. He’ll also add that back then you had to lick them yourself and that tongue cuts were rife. You’ll want to slap him.