Tag: Sofa

Guest Post: 7 Reasons You Should Sell Your House Online

Is it time to move on, move up and move out? Do you need to sell your property in a stress free and easy to manage process that will leave you with more moolah for home improvements? Then you need to sell your house online. Here’s why:

1. You Don’t Need To Leave The Sofa. Yes that’s right, you can sell your home without even leaving the sofa. That’s providing you have a laptop or a tablet and the internet at home. The beauty of using an internet estate agent is that they prefer to do business online, so from initial sign up to general communication you can use email, an online account on their website and even Skype for your calls.

2. You Don’t Have To Deal With Salesmen And Receptionists In Branch. If you live a quiet life you may well enjoy popping in to town on a rainy day to catch up with your estate agent on the progress of your house sale, waiting around in their shiny office and having to make small talk with the receptionist while the sales men gets off the phone. However, if like most of us you find salesmen trying on your patience, you will be please to know that online agents work differently by giving you a personal account manager at the end of the phone and on email.

3. You Can Save A Lot Of Money. By cutting out the high street sales man you will be saving hundreds, probably thousands of pounds in estate agent fees that would normally be wasted on fancy shop fronts, neon lighting and receptionists. Online agents tend to cap their fees or work on a fixed rate for all so there’s no need to worry when you achieve a good sale price that all of your profit will go on commission.

4. More Potential Buyers Will See Your Property For Sale. Internet estate agents have some special marketing boosters up their sleeves when it comes to selling your property. Because they are online, they are able to effectively capture massive lists of email address and to send out details of your property to those who may be interested as soon as it goes online. Add to that the ability to feature properties to have them sit at the top of the main pages of websites like RightMove, and you’ll be fighting off the viewing requests with a stick.

5. You’ll See Real Life Feedback. Having a customer account on the online estate agents website lets you see all sorts of reports and information that you may not get from a high street agent. You’ll be able to see statistics on how many people have clicked on your property details, how many people have asked for further information and whether there has been any useful feedback to take on board from previous viewings

6. You Can Work Out Of Hours. Because the online agents don’t have a branch, they don’t expect everyone to be able to work within their hours. No storming through rush hour traffic in your lunch break to steal a chat with these guys – you can email them at your leisure and log in to your account whenever you take fancy.

7. You Get All The Things You Would With A Non-Online Agent. Even though the cost of selling your house online is much cheaper, this doesn’t mean the service you will receive is not as good. You’ll have everything you need from a floor plan to a for sale sign and even someone to come and show people around and close the deal for you while you’re still sat on that sofa.

June 8, 2012
7 Reasons Cushions Are Evil

Today is National Cushion Day in Oman! No, not really. We just needed a hook to get you reading. A sly move we admit, but one that worked. Assuming you did your good deed for the day yesterday, you’ll no doubt be going to the shops later to buy a pet Kim Jong Il. Have you thought about where you are going to put him though? The reason we ask is that you may well seat him on a cushion. Today we want to warn against this practice. You see, cushions pose more danger that admitting you like croissants.

1. Zip It. If you look at your cushions, you’ll probably notice that the cover is zipped on one side. This is so you can remove the cover and wash it. A practice we have to do every Sunday after our Saturday guest writer has thrown coke all over the 7 Reasons sofa. Putting the cover back on the cushion is where the danger begins. Zipping it up is never effortless. The zip always gets caught on a loose thread and causes minutes of straining and swearing. Then it suddenly gives way. It flies straight to the end, zipping everything in its path. Fingers, cat tails, lemons, penises*. Everything.

2. Vision Impaired. There is no doubt that a cushion cover can make a very good headdress when you are indulging in a little fancy dress. Or role-play. They are particularly useful if you want to be a cheap version of Robin Hood. The Maid Marian And Her Merry Men version, not the Russell Crowe version. The problem comes when it drops down over your eyes. Especially if you’re driving the mini-bus at the time. Bumping into things, like rivers, is quite common.

3. On Display. If the 7 Reasons sofa lacks anything, it’s display cushions. For a very good reason. What is the point in them? Are you supposed to move them? Are you allowed to move them? What will the owner say if you move them? If you do move them, where do you move them to? Are you even sure that is a display cushion? What’s the difference between that cushion and that cushion? Display cushions cause trauma.

4. Trip Hazard. At least 50% of the 7 Reasons team can’t stand cushions. They’re always in the way. Preventing him from sitting down. They seem to multiply in number every day. As a result he places them neatly on the floor. Of course, then he goes flying when he’s taking the empty plates through to the kitchen. Which could explain the broken handle on the front of the oven.

5. Expense. It’s not just physical abuse a cushion will hand out, it’ll abuse your bank account too. When you redecorate the house, you need to buy new covers for the cushions. Which means you need to buy storage for the old cushion covers. And then you need to buy storage for the storage that’s storing the old cushion covers. And on it goes. And goes. And goes. Until you hear from your bank manager for the first time ever.

6. Illegal Entry. A cushion to a pillow is like a rugby league ball to a union ball. You might think they are interchangeable, but they are not. Particularly so when a pillow fight is taking place. Pillows are soft and their cases softer. Cushions are hard with pointy corners. Bringing a cushion in to a pillow fight, apart from being illegal, could very easily result in eye pokage. Naughty.

7. Suck Up. Most of the guest writers who spread themselves across the 7 Reasons sofa do so with the elegance and grace that you would expect. Some, however, see the sofa as a piece of apparatus. Which is why they leapfrog over the back, cartwheel over the armrests and generally treat it as a bouncy castle. It is lucky the 7 Reasons cushions are not decorated with beads or sequins. If so, a few of our guest writers may well have ended up in hospital with a button shoved up their backside. Not pleasant. And a reminder to all that cushions are evil. Even more so than dolphins.

*Why Marc was washing the 7 Reasons sofa cushions in the buff is something we have never discussed.

June 3, 2011
7 Reasons We Like Birthday Cards

Last year we provided you with seven of the finest World War propaganda posters that the world had never seen. They now exist in a very pleasant postcard collection. Today we thought we’d do the same with birthday cards. It’s a fascinating collection displaying the very finest in 7 Reasons style, humour and photoshop. Well, mostly.

1. Eyechart. Remember the good old days when your Dad could read? Yes, so do I. This card humorously reminds them that they are aging very quickly. Don’t worry, they wont find it insulting. By the time they have found their glasses they’ll have forgotten what they needed them for.

2. I Like This. Are you on facebook? Yes, of course you are. The only person who isn’t is my Mum. And good for her. It means she has more time to bake cakes and stuff. It also means she has real friends. That’s in stark contrast to the rest of us who have never actually met at least 20% of our ‘friends’. This card is ideal therefore for the social media nut in your life. It would also help if they have watched Notting Hill. And they’re a boy. You need to be a girl too. Or a male lesbian.

3. Copper Letters. This is our minimalist card. It wasn’t intentional, it’s just that these were all the letters we found down the side of the 7 Reasons sofa. Luckily for those among us who have birthdays, all the letters required to spell ‘Happy Birthday’ were present. Unfortunately we could only find a number zero and a number six. Which means this card is only really suitable for the six or sixty year-old in your life. At least you can reuse it though. Just hang on to it for fifty-four years.

4. White. Then we realised that our minimalist card wasn’t minimal enough. So this is our ist card (it’s so minimal that we could only make it more minimal by dispensing with the word minimal). Have we said “minimal” enough now? Good, we’ll stop then. This card recognises that the best cards in the shop are always the ones in which the interior is “left blank for your message” and contains the message “exterior left blank for your image” within. Printed in white. Which makes it appear even more…er…even less maximal.

5. Chess With Death. This birthday card designed specifically for the film buff references the Ingmar Bergman classic The Seventh Seal, in which an ailing knight plays a chess match against Death to prolong his life. It’s a card which accurately represents how most people over the age of thirty view birthday cards anyway, except that most people don’t even get the fun of a chess match on their “special” day. This is not a card for birthday fans.

6. Happy___Birthday. This is the only card you’ll ever need (which is something of a shame, as there’s one more to go). If you keep a stock of these at home you’re all set for every eventuality. Can’t find a card with the right age on it? No problem, there’s space for you to fill it in (to the day). Forgot the birthday and you’re sending it late? No problem, you can just tell them you meant to send it as a happy-sixty-fourth-plus-two-days card. Know someone who hates birthdays and want to stick the knife in? No problem, just send it with their age plus a hundred and eighty days, half a year after their birthday. They won’t be expecting that!

7. Deforestation. We’ve just designed a lot of cards. Well six. That’s a lot if you’ve only got five fingers. It’s also a lot of paper and, as we should all know by now, paper comes from trees. Our seventh card therefore highlights the plight of our rainforests. A greeting card that urges people to save the trees is a brilliant contradiction and one we hope will appeal to the hypocrites among you.

April 15, 2011
7 Reasons Robert George Dylan Willis MBE Scares Me

Last week we gave you seven compelling reasons not to watch the Cricket World Cup. How many of you listened to us? Probably not many. And I don’t blame you. I mean, I didn’t even listen to myself. I’ve watched every game so far. But that’s not because I am addicted to the sport, it’s because it constitutes research. It was suggested by Marc that we could write about the Cricket World Cup every Friday. It wasn’t a bad idea – every time we write about cricket we send shockwaves through India. So I agreed. Apart from the dodgy fielding, the one-sided nature of the games and the sparse crowds, the one constant has been former England paceman, Bob Willis. For seven days now he has been sat on the red sofa at Sky Sports scaring the hell out of me. Here’s why:

Don’t Let The Smile Fool You. The Real Bob Willis Never Smiles.

1. Focus. It’s a frightening sight. When the producer whispers, ‘Camera one Mr Willis’, in Bob’s ear, the robotic state is initiated. His head turns sharply to the camera. Like a Tyrannosaurus Rex who has just spotted his prey, Bob doesn’t even…

2. Blink. His eyes are wide as he stares down the camera lens. Deep, deep, deep into your lounge goes his glare. Deep, deep, deep into your soul. And then, his lips begin to move. In his…

3. Monotone voice, his monologue begins. His ability to maintain an unwavering pitch for so long is a remarkable feat of endurance. Though for a robotic devil fairly standard I imagine. On and on he drones. No matter whether he is impressed or furious, it’s the same tone. It’s hypnotic in its powers. I know what he’s trying to do. He’s trying to put me to…

4. Sleep. He wants my soul. He wants to sell it on eBay. “I must stay awake,” I tell myself. “Bob Willis must not be allowed to submit a fake bid for my soul in oder to bump up the price.” My eyelids are heavy, I try and reach for the remote control but I am not not going to make it. I’m drifting! I’m drifting! Then, suddenly, a saving grace. The shot zooms out. The vision of Robert Croft and Michael Holding is momentary relief. But then I notice the…

5. Giant of a man to their right. Bob Willis is huge! He looks like the BFG sitting on that Sky Sports sofa. I know he’s a giant because his knees are higher than his coccyx. He looks comfortable in his own uncomfortableness. This only scares me more. I can’t help but imagine him standing up. His head would be on the second floor. It’s the only time I hunger for a zoomed-in shot of Bob’s face. I don’t hunger for long, the producer adheres to my cries for mercy. Round two begins. He still wants my soul. I’m immediately drawn to his…

6. Lips. Not in a sexual way. In the way I would watch a goldfish open and close his mouth. And then I actually start listening to what he is saying. And I find myself agreeing with him. Bob is right. You just can’t afford to make that kind of mistake at this level. Oh good gracious me! Bob Willis is making…

7. Sense. And this is the scariest thing of all. Already this year I have found myself agreeing with Boycott. What is happening to me? Am I becoming their bitch?

February 25, 2011
7 Reasons We’re Delighted By This 7 Reasons Analysis

This morning I was completely devoid of inspiration. Initially I was going to attack a 10 year-old girl. Not literally obviously. I wasn’t bored. And it would be wrong. I mean literately. I was going to question why the girl – whose design has been chosen as the emblem for the Queen’s Diamond Jubilee – couldn’t be bothered to use a ruler. Or indeed colour between lines. But as I was writing, I felt a deep sense of shame. It is not in my nature to pick on 10 year-old girls, so I stopped. Instead I googled ‘7 Reasons’ and, lo, what did I find? This beautiful analysis of all that is good about 7 Reasons. I was delighted. Here’s why:

1. Backed By FIRA. It’s news to us, but we are delighted to be backed by the capital city of Santorini. And, having looked it up on wikipedia, we are pleased to say that we reciprocate. Go to FIRA. You’ll love it. Especially the Santorini Archeological Museum.

2. Exceptional Performance. It is highly unlikely that this refers to our web hosts so we can only assume it is a compliment aimed at the robotic manner in which both of us knock out 7 Reasons posts day after day after day. We are just short of 500 posts now, or 3,500 reasons if you prefer. Quite an achievement given that one of us thought we’d struggle to get past 14. (Reasons).

3. Experts That Live And Breathe Furniture. Okay, so the use of the word ‘experts’ my have been somewhat over the top, but we happily accept that the 7 Reasons sofa is a thing of beauty. And this is not by luck, but by design. We took great care when sawing the original sofas in half and even more care when we staple-gunned the two required halves together. The fact that it has lasted eighteen months is testament to our expertise. In fact the only thing we bemoan is the number of lemons that keep falling down the back of the cushions. Along with the cat.

4. Understanding & Insights. I am a little surprised this isn’t Reason One. After all, understanding the world around us and providing insight into a variety of topics is our bread and butter. Without this attitude you wouldn’t now be the proud owner of an orange door, you’d probably still be thinking about dating a polar bear and you’d own The American on DVD.

5. Leading Edge Infrastructure. This is very much Marc’s domain so he deserves the applause. From day one he has only been too happy to tinker with the back-end of stuff and he has done a marvelous job. The fact that none of you (or I) have ever noticed any improvements just goes to show how deep into the back-end Marc has gone. The result is a thing of beauty. When it works.

6. UK & Eire Coverage. We are glad this impresses people and it vindicates our original decision. Jon was very keen to prevent anyone outside of the British Isles having the ability to read the British humour website, but Marc muttered something about ‘impossible to do’, ‘xenophobia’ and ‘write about cricket and we’ll get loads of India-based readers’. That was enough. The website has always had Eire coverage. And the rest of the World too.

7. Partnership Approach. One of the seven reasons that 7 Reasons continues to astound the internet is because of this thing they call a partnership. When one of us can’t be bothered to write anything, we don’t. Instead we watch the football knowing the other will eventually crack around 5pm and rapidly write something about winning a country. It’s probably a flawed plan, but it works. For me.

February 21, 2011
7 Reasons 7 Reasons Has Been An Unmitigated Success

Exactly a year ago today, 7 Reasons was born in York and Fulham. If you weren’t there – and it’s highly likely you weren’t – you will have missed our very first post, 7 Reasons This Blog Was Created. I don’t think we have ever met the high standards that piece of literary genius set, but we have certainly given it our best shot. Except on Thursdays. That day just never really happened for us. As we have somehow made it a year I think it would be useful* to look back and see if we have stuck to the principles we outlined 365 days ago.

1. “People like lists. This is a well known fact. Shopping lists, to-do lists, Wedding lists, the list is endless. It adds structure to people’s lives. Structure is good. It makes people feel in control. We like control.” – We have certainly controlled a part of your life. A small part maybe, but a part none the less. For three of you, 7 Reasons has become a staple part of your daily diet. You can not remember life when you didn’t know 7 Reasons Why Lemons Would Make You Sick. And more is the point, you don’t want to. And as for the rest of you, well you may read 7 Reasons on an ad hoc basis. Even so, we have still have a presence in your mind. We are still controlling you. Just not as well as we’d wish.

2. “Seven is one of our favourite numbers. The number seven is the only number less than fifteen which cannot be represented as the sum of the squares of three integers. We like that (probably).” – Seven remains one of our favourite numbers. That is all that needs saying on this one. If I start talking about integers I’ll confuse my keyboard.

3. “It gives us something to think about on the train or the bus or while walking to the post box. Instead of thinking, ‘Isn’t that woman’s blouse so last season?’ it gives us the chance to think of seven reasons why she is wearing that blouse. This tests our imagination. We like creativity.” – It could never be argued that we don’t think about 7 Reasons on the train or the bus. Indeed, such environments have inspired some of our finest pieces. And some of our worst. But that’s the beauty of 7 Reasons. The brilliant pieces only exist because there are substandard efforts mixed in. Without these everything would appear mediocre. And we already have Switzerland for that. And as for thinking about 7 Reasons whilst walking to the post box, well we’ve done that once too. A cat followed one of us back. Fifty lemons followed the other.

4. “On average we waste seven minutes a day thinking, ‘what shall I do next’. That’s the equivalent of 42 hours a year. In 42 hours you could comfortably travel around the world or hold your breath for 2520 consecutive minutes. Both of these are highly dangerous and more often that not result in Deep Vein Thrombosis or death. This blog is an antidote to both. We like saving lives.” – As far as we are aware, in the last year no one has died because they tried to hold their breath for 2520 consecutive minutes. It would be too easy to say, ‘Well, it probably wouldn’t have happened anyway.’ Have a bit of humility and accept that 7 Reasons has saved lives. Except Paul the Octopus’. But he tried to hold his breath for his entire lifespan. We can’t help muppets.

5. “Sometimes people take things far too seriously. Life should not be about taking things seriously. It should be about frivolity and nonsense. Seriousness gives us sensible shoes and Jeremy Paxman. They are bad. It’s time to be far more light-hearted. We like joy.” – Without 7 Reasons the world would no doubt have imploded on worry by now. Yes, so a couple of bad things have happened in the last year. ‘So what?’ That’s the 7 Reasons attitude. ‘Let’s look on the bright side’. And that’s just what we did. When we didn’t vote in a coalition Government but got one anyway, it was 7 Reasons – and 7 Reasons alone – who hailed it the greatest thing that could have happened. It was 7 Reasons – and 7 Reasons alone – who finally made it acceptable to cycle in the nude. It was 7 Reasons – and 7 Reasons alone – who encouraged the invasion of France. 7 Reasons gave joy.

6. “Sometimes people don’t take things at all seriously. They should. Life is a serious business. Without seriousness we get Balloon Boy and Ken Dodd. They are bad. It’s time to look at things with far more thoughtfulness. We like serious.” – It’s a good job that 7 Reasons has existed in the past twelve months because without it the world would have turned into a laughing stock. It was 7 Reasons – and 7 Reasons alone – who pointed out the glaring flaws in naming Ryan Giggs as 2009 Sports Personality of the Year. It was 7 Reasons – and 7 Reasons alone – who advised against driving golf buggies up the M4. It was 7 Reasons – and 7 Reasons alone – who finally gave those who look like a horse the confidence to go out and not let it be a barrier to achieving success.** 7 Reasons gave seriousness another go.

7. “It’s the 21st Century and in the 21st Century you have to be able to back up what you say or do. It’s no good saying, ‘I just bought a new drill’ and then shrugging when your loved one asks why. You must have a reason. Other than, ‘because it had 25% off’. So there needs to be a database to help you answer that question. This is what we will provide. We like drills.” – Ironically, or stupidly, we have never provided you with 7 Reasons I Bought A New Drill, however, we do have the biggest database of reasons anywhere in the world.*** And we only have to read the ‘keyword analysis’ of this website to see that everyone is using this site from students, to the BBC, to pregnant women looking for a place to urinate to men who are wondering if it is acceptable to shake hands after touching their penis. No one can argue that 7 Reasons isn’t the ultimate self-help website.

*Useful in the fact that it means I don’t have to think too much about today’s post.

**We take no responsibility for Sarah Jessica Parker making Sex and the City 2.

***Logic dictates this. Who else would spend a year thinking up over 2000 reasons for random things?

October 27, 2010
Guest Post: 7 Reasons To Make Sure You Renew Your Car Insurance

Another Saturday dawns and as it does a new writer appears on the 7 Reasons sofa. This week we welcome Chris Owens, who is probably just about the finest member of the Car Insurance team at MoneySupermarket.Com – the UK’s leading price comparison website. Right, that’s two sentences more than I should be writing on a Saturday, so without further deviation, I’ll hand you over to Chris.

Auto ©mxlanderos

I’m guessing most of you think you’re a reasonable enough driver – you’re pretty safe, tend to stick to the speed limit (most of the time), and have never had to make a claim in your life. But at the same time you’re sharing a road with a whole host of motoring mavericks and disaster-prone drivers that are a simply a car crash waiting to happen. Here are seven of the craziest (but true) car insurance claims ever made – and 7 Reasons you need to make sure you’re always covered:

1. Cars And Snow Aren’t A Good Combination. One cool customer thought it’d be easier and safer to take a taxi rather than risk venturing out on their own in heavy snowfall. Unfortunately, the clumsy cabbie skidded straight into the back of their parked car when he came to pick up his passenger.

2. Drivers Have Terrible Judgement. Anticipating traffic speed and giving yourself plenty of time to react are two of the first lessons you learn when you first start driving. It’s a shame that one unlucky bloke forgot these golden rules and caused a multi-car pile up because, in his own words, “I started to slow down but the traffic was more stationary than I thought”.

3. Buses Aren’t Reliable. You’ve pulled out of your driveway and set off for work first thing in the morning when you slam into the back of a bus picking up passengers. What’s your excuse, apart from you weren’t paying enough attention to the road? How about, “It’s not my fault, the bus is five minutes early” – strangely enough this motorist’s insurers didn’t see the funny side!

4. A Call Of Nature Can Cause Chaos. A driver was caught short and had to stop at the side of the road to relieve himself behind a row of bushes. When he had done his ‘business’, he returned only to find his car had gone. Just as he was telephoning the police to report the missing vehicle, he noticed some familiar looking tyre tracks heading down a hill. After running all the way down to the bottom of a grass bank, he found his car flipped on its roof and in need of some emergency repairs… someone had forgotten to put the handbrake on.

5. Life Is Full Of Tree-mendous Surprises. Many of us drive the same routes over and over again, so it’s no surprise we think we know our way home like the back of our hand. Sadly for one daydreaming driver, he reversed into the wrong house and crashed into what he charmingly described as, “a tree I don’t have”.

6. The Simple Law Of Gravity. It’s not too uncommon to see crazy pictures of cars crashing through the front window of a house, but what about when the roles are reversed? A house was being moved on a large lorry when it toppled over and fell off, straight onto the top a parked car. Only when the moving company finally owned up to its embarrassing mistake did the disbelieving insurance company actually pay up.

7. If All Else Fails, People Will Blame Absolutely Anything. And last but certainly not least, the black arts were the probable reason for an accident for one imaginative driver, who simply filled out an insurance claim form with the words: “Windscreen broken. Cause unknown. Probably voodoo.”

September 11, 2010
Russian Roulette Sunday: In Case of Bear

It occurred to us that, although we’ve shown you how not to deal with a bear in the past, we’ve never shown you how to deal with a bear. Until now…

August 15, 2010
7 Reasons You Shouldn’t Date A Polar Bear

1. Inuits, Yupiks, Chukchis, Nenets and Russian Pomors. You are really going to piss them off. To them, a polar bear is the ultimate utility. They use the fur for trousers, fat for fuel, the gallbladder for medicinal purposes and the teeth as amulets. You start dating a polar bear and the Inuits are going to have to start walking around with bare legs.

2. Bathroom Usage. If you do insist on dating a polar bear, then you have to understand one thing. You will never be able to use your bath again. The polar bear will see this as their natural environment. They will sleep in it, splash around in it, hunt in it and get bath salts in uncomfortable places in it. You’ll also get the water board investigating a major leak.

3. Eating. A polar bear’s diet isn’t a very mixed one. They like seals. Particularly bearded ones. It’s not the most comfortable thing to have to order in the local Harry Ramsdens. Especially when you have to add that the polar bear is going to batter it themselves.

4. Meeting The Parents. Never the easiest thing to do. Especially when you’re dating a polar bear. Thankfully, your parents were very understanding/scared and so those introductions went swimmingly. Literally. You all met in your bath. Now though, it’s your turn to meet the polar bear’s parents. In the Arctic. You think you’ve prepared well. You have all the thermals on and a distress flare stuffed down your trousers. Nothing can go wrong. Until you meet them. And you realise they all look the bloody same.

5. Games. We may be getting older, but there is a still a bit of the child in all of us. Some more than others it must be said. Occasionally we do like to be a bit silly and play a game. Catch, Frisbee, Twister etc. These are all fine and I can assure you that the polar bear will love them. What you don’t want to play, though, is Hide & Seek. Particularly if your walls are painted white. You’re going to be playing for bloody ages.

6. Habits. It would be nice to think that on your return home after a long day at work, the polar bear has made a nice meal for you. Unfortunately this is little more than wishful thinking. All too regularly you’ll come home to find them perched atop a pile of ice cubes watching Seal or No Seal on the Nature Channel.

7. Romance. Against all the odds, it is going well. You’ve got over the fact that seal whiskers are being left all over the bathroom floor and the polar bear no longer smacks you around the side of the head whenever you pop a Fox’s Glacier Mint into your mouth. It might be time to move it to the next level. You’ve taken the polar bear out for the evening, wine and dined and danced the night away, now you are in the taxi. A paw gently brushes your thigh before the polar bear moves towards your ear and whispers, ‘I’m going to eat you alive later’.

July 16, 2010
7 Reasons It’s Outrageous The BBC Have Cancelled Last Of The Summer Wine

1. It Has Sunday Written All Over It. Last Of The Summer Wine is Sunday. On it comes at around 6pm and immediately the nation realises it will soon be Monday. That is Last Of The Summer Wine’s job. Getting people depressed so they start the week off in the right way. Now what are we going to do? We can’t be happy on Monday morning. That would be wrong.

2. The Joke. It’s the same one. It always has been. I haven’t watched every episode of every series. In fact I don’t think I’ve watched even thirty seconds of every series, but that doesn’t matter. Because I know what the joke is. Three blokes flying down a hill in a bath tub. Or on a sofa. Cue two policeman looking alarmed as it buzzes by them. (One of them drops a sandwich too). They don’t write jokes like that anymore. Where am I going to go for my sofa fix?

3. Sex In The Countryside. There is something beautifully innocent about old women sitting in a lounge, eating sticky buns, talking about their husband’s inability to remember to take off their muddy shoes when they come home of an evening. That’s what women should be talking about. We won’t have that again. Instead we’ll have repeats of four forty-somethings, sitting in a New York restaurant, discussing the size of Samantha’s latest pepper grinder conquest. Disgusting. You hear me? Disgusting.

4. Holmfirth. For the uninitiated, this is where Last Of The Summer Wine is filmed. I have never been. Because I don’t need to. Every year, if I want to, I can see how much the place has changed on the TV. Along with all other eight regular viewers. But what are we going to do next year? When it’s no longer on. I’m going to have to go on a coach trip to Holmfirth with eight randomers. I don’t want to go to Holmfirth with eight randomers. It’s bloody miles away.

5. Something Else Not To Watch. I don’t watch Last Of The Summer Wine. No matter what you may think. When the final series finishes though, I won’t be able to not watch it. So that means I’ll have to find something else not to watch to restore the happy balance in my TV viewing. This is pressure. I can’t choose Loose Women because I already choose not to watch it. I’l have to find something I don’t know about on some channel I don’t know about and not watch that instead. What a waste of time.

6. Potential. It promised so much didn’t it? And it was so close to achieving it. What with Russ Abbot playing a milkman who thinks he was once in MI5. What a shame to cancel the show just as it was reaching its climax.

7. 2010: The End. What with Lost ending this year. And 24. And Heroes. And Flashforward. It feels a bit like a salt in the wound to also have Last Of The Summer Wine ending on us. And this comes from someone who didn’t even watch 24. Or Heroes. Or Flashforward. Or Last Of The Summer Wine. Which only goes to show how ridiculous and painful the BBC’s decision is.

June 4, 2010