7 Reasons

Tag: Neil Sedaka

  • 7 Reasons It’s Not My Fault I Thought He Was A Woman

    7 Reasons It’s Not My Fault I Thought He Was A Woman

    Today is World Tourism Day and as I couldn’t think of one single reason as to why we should celebrate it, I decided to write about men who I once thought were women instead. So here are 7 men, who to me, were once women. Enjoy.

    J.R.R.Tolkien
    Josephine Rebecca Rachel Tolkien

    1.  J.R.R.Tolkien. I have absolutely no idea why I thought Tolkien was a woman. Maybe it was the slightly effeminate font on my copy of The Fellowship Of The Ring or maybe it was something in the tone of voice on the first page. (I don’t think I actually got to page two). Either way, for a good few months I thought John Ronald Reuel Tolkien was in fact Josephine Rebecca Rachel Tolkien. Sorry about that John.

    2.  Leslie Neilsen. Oh come on. Anyone could make this mistake. Admittedly it may have taken them slightly less than five viewings of Naked Gun to realise that the person who they initially thought was Leslie Nielsen was actually Priscilla Presley, but hey, we all make mistakes.

    3.  John Denver. How the hell did I think John Denver was a woman? Probably because I thought he was called Joan Denver.

    4.  Neil Sedaka. I didn’t know the name at the time, I had just heard the song. Laughter In The Rain probably. And, well, he just sounds like a girl doesn’t he?

    5.  Lily Savage. Yes, seriously. For a good ten minutes, I actually thought Paul O’Grady’s alter-ego – the one who looked like a man and spoke like a man, but wore a dress, heels and wig – was a woman. I was naive. I didn’t know cross-dressers – or as I prefer to call them, perverts – existed. I clearly lived a sheltered childhood. In a house where Lily Savage was on the TV.

    6.  Ashley Smith. If this name is not familiar to you, then good. One day, in circa 1996, my friend Tom came into school and told a select group of us that he had kissed someone called Ashley the night before. Being the lads we were we ‘high-fived’ and congratulated him on his conquest. As a spotty 13 year-old at the time, I was outwardly happy for him. Inside though, I was full of jealousy. I had never kissed a girl – not properly anyway. I wanted a go. (Frustratingly, I would have to wait another four years for that particular delight to occur. And even then, I am not entirely sure she knew much about it). But anyway, I digress. We were very happy for Tom and he seemed very happy for himself. Then Tom went ten-pin bowling. And he invited a few of his friends along too. Including me. And Ashley. And that was when I realised Tom was gay.

    7.  The Stylistics. Okay, so this is more a group, than a singular person, but the theme still remains. I still thought they were women. And you can’t blame me. I’ve tried many an implement in many a painful place to try and get my voice that high. Cricket bats, clothes pegs, garden rakes, soldering irons (not on purpose), next door’s cat. You name it, I’ve tried it. But to no avail. I just can’t sound like The Stylistics.

  • 7 Reasons To Write A Song About Rain

    7 Reasons To Write A Song About Rain

    I think it’s fair to say that this is the only time I have had trouble cutting my reasons down to seven. Usually I have four reasons for something and spend all night trying to think of three more. I will have slept peacefully last night. That’s nice isn’t it?

    1.  Creedence Clearwater Revival – Have You Ever Seen The Rain? Yes, I have. Pretty much everyone has seen the rain. Write a song about something pretty much everyone has seen and pretty much everyone will be interested. Pretty much.

    2.  The Carpenters – Rainy Days & Mondays. This makes sense because only people who like rain would like Mondays. So basically The Carpenters were talking about people who should be locked up again very soon. Or idiots as they are more commonly known. You can only make such an opinion known via the medium of song.

    3.  BJ Thomas/Burt Bacharach – Raindrops Keep Falling On My Head. You can basically admit to being a muppet in a song about rain yet no one will ever pick up on it. Apart from me. If raindrops keep falling on your head then buy a bloody umbrella. Or walk on your head.

    4.  Neil Sedaka – Laughter In The Rain. As this song aptly demonstrates, if you are a man it is perfectly acceptable to sing about the rain while sounding like an slightly butch sixteen year-old girl. Something that in every other walk of life would be deemed suspicious. And probably illegal in at least eighteen US states.

    5.  Gene Kelly – Singing In The Rain. Standing in the rain and having a sing-song is quite frankly a stupid thing to do. You’ll get wet and cold and the sound of the rain hitting the ground will drown out your harmonies. But if you are a songwriter then you have free license to try and brainwash people.

    6.  Supertramp – It’s Raining Again. Rain doesn’t actually have to mean rain. Fascinatingly in this song the rain actually refers to bad times and the fact that they happen all too regularly. Cleverly though, by using the word rain and adding an uplifting tune, you don’t realise you are listening to something that should really want to make you commit suicide until it’s too late.

    7.  Carole King – Might As Well Rain Until September. It’s a throwaway comment. If you said, ‘It might as well rain until September’, in the pub you’d be scoffed at. Put it in a song though and it’s fine. Helen Shapiro will even cover it for you. As will a Canadian pop duo called Gary and Dave. Seriously.